Sudden drops in testosterone can sure do all those things. If it were me, I would get on a low dose of testosterone and then slowly lower it until I was on none at all. Or maybe stay on just a very small amount, a woman's dose.

Thank you all for replying. I've come to this site for a few weeks now doing searches for 'suicide' and such trying to figure out if its the procedure that made me hit such a low point or other factors.

Raymar: I am on estrogen therapy and have been before the castration. I also had my hormone levels tested after the procedure my testoterone did drop from like 400 to 25. My estrogen level increased slightly due to no interference from the testosterone. after 10 yrs of being on t-blockers and loads of estrogen I thought I was able to handle even the worst mood swings. Apparently I was wrong.

Kristof: I am seeing a psychiatrist and I am on meds for anxiety and ADD. I have tried every anti-depressant on the market including all the SSRI's and MAO's. I have what they term atypical depression - resistant to drug therapy.

Randy: I don't do any illegal drugs. But I am cross-addicted to ativan, xanax, and amphetamine. For a very long time now. But all prescribed.

DarthBra: I have been living as a woman full-time for 5 yrs now, I have had the various plastic surgeries (breast implants, facial feminization, laser treatments, you name it). Everyone tells me I look great, and even I agree they did a good job changing me. What I realized though after 10 years of procedures and pills and treatments is that I'm no more at peace with myself than when i was that 5 yr old kid questioning why I hated my body so much, why I felt so different than everyone, and why couldnt I just be happy being me. The worst part is that I'm only attracted to women. And although I had been dating women before the procedure, after its been nothing but embarrasement and heartache. I feel ruined and I feel responsible for what I have become. It's a horrible thing to live with..the feeling that you will never feel ok. I'm in my 30's. I cannot imagine feeeling this way for even another 5 years. It was such a long road through hell to become what I am. But instead of the peace and oneness everyone told me I would feel, there is only constant stress and anxiety and depression. And now this. It feels like they cut the last remaining bit of human out of me. I dont remember what happy feels like and I feel lucky on the days when I am simply numb. Changing my body changed the way people perceived me but your still all alone in your head.

I truly appreciate everyones concern. I just felt I had to let it out somehow. While I think about suicide often, sometimes throught the day I cannot bring myself to do that to my poor parents who stood by me all this time. Which in a way makes me feel worse because I feel trapped in a life I no longer want. So I guess what I harbor is more of a death wish. I am just so tired at this point. I was watching a movie (cant remember which one) but someone says "I hope if your unhappy you find the courage to change what you can, and if your still unhappy you have the strength to change it all again" I started crying at that point, because that summed up where I am at. I took the risk to change thinking I was doing the right thing, and now I'm so unhappy but no longer have the strength to change it all again. It just a nightmare and do my best to get through the day. I'm sorry again for this tragic revelation. I hate being so negative but I just can't see a solution.

aLie2Live

May I suggest?

This video always cheers me up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T5GKHqU35Y

Too bad that she does not do anything more than just stand there and sing in this video, she really could use some time with Janet Jackson.

OK, silly videos done now, maybe you could rent a movie? There was one I just watched and totally loved, from Spain. It is called "Solas" (Alone), about the life of a cynical "street wise" woman in Spain, whose mother comes to stay with her for a while. The "mother-daughter" bond is a lot stronger there than in most families I know, anyway, when the mother left, and the camera pans over the now emptier apartment, and you see the things she had done while she was staying there with her daughter; flowers, knitting, a empty rocking chair, you realize that she had done good where ever she had been, and left good things. The underlying message I got from the movie is that most of us live in a SELF IMPOSED HELL, and we live in this unhappy state needlessly, love and happiness are available to most of us, it is our own choice when we make self destructive decisions to not have the happiness that otherwise would be ours.

In the end of the movie, of course it has a happy ending, the mother passes away, the daughter learns from her mother's example though and becomes a bit less cynical, a bit more loving. She ends up taking care of an elderly man who likewise takes care of her and her new borne baby.

Finally, as I read your words... I sort of feel that you have for so long been living in the darkness that even though you do in fact have happiness available to you, you seem to say internally "no, that is not mine - I cannot have that." The happiness is yours to have, even though you might not have felt you had the right to it, it is your happiness, now take some sunshine into your life.

Maybe you need to be taking some testosterone in the mix. Many women these days use some testosterone to feel better and sexual. Testosterone does a lot for the mental state as many here know. You may want to get checked for mitral valve prolapse (MVP) as some of the stress and anxiety you feel could be symptoms that can be cured from a simple beta blocker like Toprol (metaprolol).

I wish you peace and happiness and sincerely hope you find a way to happiness.

Above all else dont forget your not alone I have met many other transexuals here who have all been supportive. I didnt think that joining this forum would have this much effect on me but just being able to speak to others like you is a life saver sometimes. I am always willing to chat if you want to talk. I have thought more about your latest post, but will write more later as I am at work at the moment. Best wishes. Stay well yours Sarah.

Ramses is right in my opinion. I felt exactly how you feel after about a month. Blackness was creeping in and I felt bad, thought bad. I had to add some testosterone, I use a low dose regimen of compounded "t." Even women have some testosterone and it's helped my depression tremendously. I know that when my testosterone dips below 100 I start to feel really depressed, so I've got to add some. It won't hurt to try and it won't hurt your transitioning, not if you keep it low. Hash

Hope this does not sound trite and corney but up untill I was 30 I was suicidal. Then I don't find Jeus but I was introduced to meditation. Since then my life and along with it my state of mind has been on the up.

Meditation does not make you enlightened or anything that is remotely spiritual, it makes you more aware. In the greater awareness you see things more clearly.

It help me without drugs and the form of medition that help me the most was the one from this link.

http://www.dhamma.org/

Practising this form of meditation centres me the best.

Hoping that somehow you can see a way up out of the hollow you find yourself.

Hi Alie2live,

I think I understand what's going on here. I am a MtF transsexual who has been living full time for five years. I am married to a wonderful young lady 19 years my junior who loves sex. I am disabled with fibromyalgia and live on Social Security which will not pay for hormones or anything to do with my transsexuality.

I have made it very clear to my wife that penetrative sex from my penis is going to come to an end at some point and she understands and accepts this. But I can't get it out of my mind that she does enjoy my penis. For me it's a guilty pleasure. Like I am doing something I should not be doing, and yet it does feel good.

But that is not all we do. My wife penetrates me with a strapon and she loves to be fingered while she either manually or uses a vibrator on her clit. She never cums from penetration of my penis. So she really don't consider it a big deal. When I have impotence problems from the meds I take and she wants to be penetrated, I just put on the strapon and use it on her. It seems to work fine.

Because of all of this, I have wanted to get castrated. It would put an end to the testosterone and me and my wife can deal with impotence and the eventual transition surgery that will leave me with no penis or testicles. But I have given serious consideration to talking a "halfway" measure. Then I am neither male nor female. Where does that leave me? Am I just kidding myself and trying to keep my options open by not going all the way?

I mean, I could have implants and take testosterone if I ever changed my mind. But for me I don't want to live my life as a man ever again. I don't want to have sex as a man. But I do worry how the reality of this will affect my wife when it happens. I have seen many women who claimed they were going to stay with their husbands, but after transition they left. They just could not accept being with a woman.

You did something permanent. There is no going back. This is giving you second thoughts. But let me make this clear. There is not going to be a day or event when you suddenly feel like you don't have gender dysphoria. So you took this huge step that will keep a certain percentage of women from interacting with you, but it didn't cure your gender dysphoria and that has you worried that you may have made a mistake.

That you took something away, but didn't get anything for it. But remember, you didn't get castrated to make you a woman or cure your gender dysphoria. You did it because you are a woman and women do not have testicles. Somehow, 3,000,000,000 women are getting by with no testicles.

You are on a journey and castration was just one stop on the way to your destination. You are not becoming a woman, you have always been one. You are only making your body match. It doesn't cure the dysphoria, that always stays with us. We will never know what it feels like to be a natal female. To grow up female, to have our first period, to bear a child.

So we change our bodies to match a natal female the best we can and we live our lives in the role we always thought we should have. But it's up to us to make ourselves happy. And like natal females and men alike, our gender has nothing to do with that. If you are waiting for some surgery or medication to make you happy? It's not going to happen.

To make yourself happy you have to do things that make you happy. Then one has a happy day. String together some happy days and one has a happy week. Happy weeks turn into happy months, seasons and years. But they start with a decision to be happy.

I have a horrible pain illness that robbed me of my livelihood, and my ability to do most of the things I used to love. I lost my house, my cars, most of my possessions. My marriage broke up and I was disowned by several family members who I expected to be understanding. I tried to kill myself by taking 35 vicodin.

But even though I can't afford a gender therapist and hormones. Nor can I afford and endocrinologist and the tests required. Even though I can't afford electrolysis or laser hair removal. Even though it takes every ounce of strength I can muster to go to school so I can become a psychologist and someday be able to afford all this plus GRS. I am still very happy.

Because every day I get up, I shower and shave all that disgusting hair off my body. I lotion my body and throw on some baby powder. I pick out some pretty panties and tuck myself. I choose a nice bra and put my breastforms on. Then I pick out a lovely outfit, dress or skirt and put them on. I put on my makeup and fix my hair, then pick out some wonderful shoes that fit my mood, some nice earrings and perhaps a bracelet.

I do this everyday. Even if I am not going anywhere. Because for 42 years I could not be Elizabeth. And just being Elizabeth makes me happy. Not for anyone else. Just me. And I have to tell you. I am having a pretty happy life, despite the many things in my life that make it far from perfect.

It's really up to you. You can decide to be happy or you can decide to be depressed. But one thing for sure. It has nothing to do with testicles.

Elizabeth

I sympathize with you, I am pretty much a non voluntary "castrate" as I recieved my problem thanks to some medical problem that should have been prevented(my testicles have shrunk to nothing and I have probably no testosterone in my body)

I am also not someone who will take medication and testosterone therapy for personal reasons

what a nightmare this has been pure nightmare

I have also suffered a tough childhood but was able to overcome it and was able to find a peace and meaning to life and it was awesome, and this happens and it is hell

I dont know what to tell you other then I sympathize with you, absolutley pure hell, the worst part is no one can really relate to me on the same level

Nutrition and Depression.

Check out (for starters):

http://www.jaredstory.com/depression_food_therapy.html

Granted, testosterone, or lack of it, has a powerful impact on a human body and mind.

But don't overlook the usefulness of nutrition.

The more I study, and use, food and OTC supplements, the more I experience their power.

When I first experienced a sudden reduction in testosterone I too experienced major weakness, incredible fatigue, loss of concentration, depression, and had no interest in doing anything. I had never experienced any of these at any time in my life, let alone all at once. It made me seek medical advice.

Prescribed testosterone gel got me back on track.

But recent discontinuance of testosterone gel along with the addition of nutrition and supplements did not cause me to experience weakness, fatigue, loss of concentration, or depression as my T count went back to very low.

Even with low T, I experienced good physical and mental balance while enjoying good nutrition with supplements. Supplements are not cheap, and eating what should be eaten and avoiding what should not be eaten is never easy. But it worked, at least for me. Finding reliable useful information isn't easy either as there is much false and conflicting information on the internet. Consultation with a certified trained nutritionist, and herbalist, can be worth the cost so that you don't waste time and buy and consume what isn't going to work.