Just thought I'd introduce myself...
I'm a MTN or rather MTFTN neutrois person
http://neutrois.0catch.com/defin.htm
I transitioned MTF ten years ago in the UK when I felt there was nothing else that I could concievably do to get rid on my penis and balls -whilst at the same time getting some kind of clit for my own pleasure. My decision to transition was to get rid of what I saw as the worst primary sexual characteristic I had -ie gonads. -But I didn't really want to gain any new ones.
Anyhow I got rid of the offending gonads and I'm glad I did, but I kinda regret other aspects of the surgery -ie allowing myself to be persuaded into having a vaginoplasty which subsequently failed (I had a partial prolapse and have expereinced considerable discomfort/ burning sensations for ten years as a result- as well as an external appearance that alienates me almost as much as having male genitals did!). I think I kinda let myself be hypnotized into thinking that maybe I could live as a woman and have a female body instead of a male one -but after 10 years all I can say is that for a neutrois that kind of 'reparative therapy' approach -ie trying to program myself to be female rather than psychologically ungendered doesn't work -'cos I still identify as neither and I want a body that is neither.
-Another problem seemed to me to be that in order to get a penectomy cliteroplasty and orchidectomy done in a hospital setting (via a MTF diagnosis) I also had to say I wanted a vagina. -ie Saying I wanted vagina seemed to be the only way that I'd have gained access to the other surgery that alowed myself to be rid of my balls and an equally troublesome bulge. -The whole thing was an awkward compromise. It's been somewhat annoying having to pretend I was female for so long when really I'm an agendered androgyne (neutrois) I have tried living for ten years as a post op quasi transsexual. But it hasn't worked for me. Going back to living as male isn't an option for me either -and there's no wayyy I'd ever agree to having testosterone in my body. That stuff's just way too strong, and I'd never be able to stand the way it would make my body look and smell. -My desire is to look/be ambiguous rather than male or female. So finally I'm coming out as neutrois and saying to hell with the consequences...
I felt like I didn't really have any other viable option other than to transition because of the limited options available in the UK to neutrois people. -Which were at the time I transitioned:
1)If I'd just chemically castrated myself with cyproterone, I'd still have been stuck with a dick and thus a bulge
2)If I'd used a burdizzo I on myself I wouldn't have been able to stand the pain.
3)Physically getting an orchidectomy or giving myself a self-orchidectomy wouldn't have sorted out the issue of me not wanting a dick.
4)getting myself nullified by other means would have meant I wouldn't have been able to have had a clit.
So I pretended to be MTF, -which wasn't hard 'cos I've always looked androgynous.
Hormones. I prefer low dose oestrogen to having a testosterone based system. Ideally I'd be happier if I could have no sex hormones in my body at all -but that's not an option if I want to ward off early onset osteoporosis. -I may have done myself some damage by 'forgetting' to take HRT for long periods... eek. I'd be grateful if anybody knows how long osteopenia/osteoporosis actually takes to develop??? Hope I haven't already got it... -Plenty calcium supplements, vitamin D3 and K and cups of molasses methinks...
My GP's sympathetic towards me and accepts my identity -although I'm not sure how things will go once I start seeing clinicians via the NHS. Hopefully they might have treat somebody else who's neutrois by now??? -Or who knows maybe I'll be the first MTN/MTFTN they'll have encountered.
I want my identity to be properly recognised. I want the docs to realise that my gender dysphoria was 200% real. (It was real enough to make me transition to another gender assignment, that like being assigned male was inappropriate, although considerably easier to live with once my gonads were removed.
It came to my attention recently that there is another MTN person in the UK who was able to be getting what they wanted/needed, without having to transition too far in the wrong direction like I did. -It got it's surgery done exactly as I would have wanted/want myself to look. We're now very good friends online
They went privately tho. -I don't as yet know how amenable the NHS will be to helping me partially reverse my SRS to get what I really wanted... -But I'm being referred... Anyhow, fingers crossed...Basically after ten years of discomfort / alienation with my new genitals
I'm wanting the failed neovagina removed. I'm also wanting make what I've got look flatter/smoother whilst retaining my clit (which works well
even though I tend not to use it much because I don't really expereince sexual desire). Part of my motivation for wanting my neovagina removed is for health reasons. The partial prolapse causes internal friction and soreness, and the whole area I feel is a trap for bacteria. I have had some horrible sticky discharges at times, and during the summer months when the weather is hot I've had to treat the area with betadine a lot.
My GP has referred me to the Charing Cross gender clinic to see Mr Bellringer
(and presumably one or two of the pshrinks there too.) I've heard very good reports about a psychiatrist there called Dr. Stuart Lorimer who by all accounts recognises non-binary gender identities like mine. -Hopefully he'll be sympathetic to me when I tell him my story *exactly* as it really was.
In the meantime I'm wanting to be able to obtain more information on neovaginal nullification proceedures -and more generally information on what kinds of surgical options are open to people who formerly identified as -or in my case attempted to identify as MTF -but weren't really MTF -despite having 100% genuine gender dysphoria. (and in my case kinda a double dose) The hope of obtaining info like that is part of the reason why I'm here...
If anybody has access to that kind of information or first hand experience of double-transitioning to get to a physically genderless state who'd be prepared to share it that would be very much appreciated.
I'd just like to know what's possible...
As I'm not MTFTM but am rather M(TF)TN/neutrois I don't want to have any masculine or feminine primary or secondary sexual characteristics at all. For that reason I'm into electrolysis / ripping out all body and facial hair with wax (anything that reminds me of puberty basically), and I bind (I never grew big breasts AA) . -I want to get put on a form of oestrogen that results in the least breast development (possibly in conjunction with raloxifene? -If anybody knows about or has expereince with taking raloxifene or other SERMs (selective estrogen receptor modulators) in conjunction with low dose estrogen therapy -that would also be interesting/useful to me)
Basically I just want to be genderless and physically sexless somehow. I don't
want to be put on testosterone again or have mastectomy -but if I can get a
breast reduction to almost nil by cannular liposuction that would be good for
me. I never really developed female nipples.
Technically I'm considered to be legally 'female' on my gender 'recognition'
certificate -which is a bit of a joke really since I am and have always been
neutrois ie an agendered androgyne at heart.
I'm quitting/ have quit my previous MTF identification/assignment - an
identification I falsely clung to out of fear that people wouldn't accept me as
I really am... -A gender assignment that wasn't really me...
Basically I would have like to have been able to have been more forthcoming with the fact that I was transitioning ten years ago to get rid of rather than to gain new gender markers. For those reasons I'm now seeking to establish a new identity as a happy 'it'. (That's my gender pronoun of choice - something I want to reclaim)
I did a rather long post on a number of online forums re: coming out as
neutrois. On WiG
http://www.whatisgender.net/phpBB3/view ... 128&t=1864
and in other places too.
If there is anybody on this message board who has had a similar life experience to mine, I'd love to compare notes...
) & wants neovaginal nullification! -Reading 'between the lines' maybe that's what it does say...