White Males Become Slaves for the Black Race

[sailorboy (imported)]

As the author of the aforementioned story, I wish that readers will post feedback for me about the story. Did you like it? Did you hate it? Was it detailed enough? This is a very different story than the first story I posted

on E.A.

Thank you for your help in critiquing this story.

[kristoff]

To respond bluntly, the title in itself turns me off, and I haven't bothered to read it, and am not likely to. To me the title suggests a tasteless topic. My opinion....

[sailorboy (imported)]

I am sorry that the title offended you! I wish that you had read it to see if it was a decent story, even if you didn't like the title!! But as I said in my posting, whether the reader/nonreader likes it or not, I want to thank you for your honest opinion.

[tugon (imported)]

I have to agree the title is a turn off.

[sailorboy (imported)]

Boy!! I feel as if a mountain fell on me!:(Any recommendations for a title change? I certainly DIDN'T mean to turn off anyone on the site!!! Is the story still O.K.? Thanks for your comment.

[speedvogel (imported)]

I too, was offended by the title. I do not have a suggestion for an alternate title either. I did start reading it and, as I usually do when something is not of interest to me, I did not finish it. The fact that I did not finish it is not a judgment of the value or lack of value of your story; it simply is not a theme that I care to read about.

I hope this does not cause you to stop writing. The structure of the story was good, there is a level of ability evident in your style. Try again, please.

Speed

[Slammr (imported)]

Robert Heinlein wrote a book, Farnham's Freehold, that had a similar theme. In a post-apocalyptic world, Blacks rule, and Whites are slaves. In the book, most of the white men are castrated. I liked the book, and I even like the theme.

I think you fell a little too much in love with it, however. You would have been better off letting the reader discover what the story was about, rather than using the theme as the title. Also, you tell us about every other line that Black men are castrating White men. No need to repeat it over and over.

To be blunt, there's not much story there. It's all theme and nothing else. You didn't take the time to develop any characters. A white guy wakes up, finds Blacks ruling the world, and gets castrated. End of story. You told the whole story in the title.

Sorry, but you asked.

[StefanIsMe (imported)]

<Stefan, desperately trying to find a way to hijack this topic to prod Slammr into writing something new for the Archive, fails utterly and only succeeds in making himself look like a puppy begging for scraps)

[DeaconBlues (imported)]

I just tried to read it now, but I only got a few paragraphs into it and lost all interest.

My opinion of your story is almost exactly what Speedvogel and Slammer wrote.

I do believe you have the ability to write a good story, and honestly, you may very well have written an excellent story here, but my own tastes are not for this sort of writing.

-Firstly, the title is just not right. A title should sort of tell you what is in the story, but not like that.... maybe something a little shorter like "Upended World" or "The Master Race Returns... darker this time"

-Secondly, again I should point out, this MIGHT be an excellent story, but it is just NOT for me. Most people I know, are all but "allergic" to any racist themed story. I am all to well aware of the racists that are still out there, but I am not one of them, and I do not like reading of "race wars" or anything of the kind. Other people might like reading a story about one or more races enslaving other people because they have the unfavored skin color, but I am not one of the people who like this sort of story.

-Thirdly, I know, I may just be too shallow, just looking for some stupid "horney guy bullshit story" or something, but really, I LIKE reading stories that have good, wildly good, erotic, knock-your-socks-off GREAT SEX! The sex scenes can be tactfully described, or they can be raunchily described, but some where in the first three paragraphs I need to get some hint that a great sexual pleasure "fuck-fest" will be somewhere in the near future.

-Finally, I am absolutely fed up with "post war apocolyptic holocost" story lines. I have seen too many movies, read too many books, and heard WAY too many "prophecies" that tell us we are all going to die soon, or we are all going to live in an AIDS/flu/ebola infested hell, or some "earth crossing asteroid" or alien invasion is going to end all life as we know it.... Fuck! Does ANYONE remember reading something HAPPY?!? I mean, really fucking happy, great sex, the bad guys lose the war, the good guys get to have more great sex and live happily ever after... OK, again, maybe I am too shallow, but fuck, I do not need to read anything depressing, my own life is quite troubled enough without any crummy "post world war apocolyptic..." bullshit. (Sorry, I see that MY OWN WRITING is sort of depressing, damn, don't want to be that way myself.)

[Arab Nights (imported)]

And now, Stefan, is the tough part. You have set yourself up for constructive criticisms, which is good. You have received them, which is good. Now comes the part of not letting the ego get in the way. They are only trying to help. Think about each comment and try to put each one to use. Try to make yourself better by looking at the gems of advice you are getting without tainting it by any emotion that comes with the telling. If you can do that, you are . . . . ah . . . . . ready for marriage. Take my wife - please.