I guess you could call me a closet transsexual

[jamesmc (imported)]

Hey all this is my first post but I have been lurking on here for awhile reading and learning all I can. I have pretty much known all my life that there is something different about me. I have never felt right about my body or what it looks like. I use to sneak into my parents bedroom and look a magazines my stepdad had and wonder why I didn't have what those girls had between their legs. As the years have progressed I have grown to pretty much hate what I have down there. A little insite to my life.....

I am currently married and have 2 children that live with me. I have always done everything hyper-male (like hunt and fish) to try and suppress the feelings that I have but it has never worked. My wife and I used to have intercourse regularly but now it is maybe once every 2 weeks. I don't like having intercourse with what's between my legs right now. She gets upset when I don't want to have intercourse and I have thought about telling her my feelings. The truth is I love her very much and I don't want to lose her. I know that if I tell her what is going on she will leave me. She married a man not a female. I want so desperatly to finally have the body that matches my mind but I dont' see how I can without destroying my life. Up until now there was only one person on this planet that knows who I truely am. My buddy Richard. He is a homosexual man and is very understanding. I have had intercourse with him on two occasions. Even though I am not really attracted to men it was such a wonderfull feeling to finally be penetrated. My wife joked with me the other day about getting a sex toy. When I said I would enjoy seeing her use it she said she would like to use it on me. I of course said no way but I really wanted to say I would love to.

I know there really isn't anything you all an do for me but I just wanted to get it out in the open with someone other than my friend. Thanks for listening.

[Paolo]

Welcome to the zoo, james.

I think you'll find a few people here with advice and comments.

[jamesmc (imported)]

Thanks for the welcome.

I hope so. I mostly just wanted someone to talk to about it. It is horrible having to keep it bottled up all the time.

[Danya (imported)]

I am currently married and have 2 children that live with me. I have always done everything hyper-male (like hunt and fish) to try and suppress the feelings that I have but it has never worked. My wife and I used to have intercourse regularly but now it is maybe once every 2 weeks. I don't like having intercourse with what's between my legs right now. She gets upset when I don't want to have intercourse and I have thought about telling her my feelings. The truth is I love her very much and I don't want to lose her. I know that if I tell her what is going on she will leave me. She married a man not a female. I want so desperatly to finally have the body that matches my mind but I dont' see how I can without destroying my life. Up until now there was only one person on this planet that knows who I truely am. My buddy Richard. He is a homosexual man and is very understanding. I have had intercourse with him on two occasions. Even though I am not really attracted to men it was such a wonderfull feeling to finally be penetrated. My wife joked with me the other day about getting a sex toy. When I said I would enjoy seeing her use it she said she would like to use it on me. I of course said no way but I really wanted to say I would love to.

Hi James,

I'm glad you wrote and I will second Paolo's welcoming comment. You are in a very difficult situation and many transsexuals can relate. I am a male to female transsexual and transitioned earlier this year. I am single so I had less potential for loss than you would in transitioning. I know several transsexuals in situations similar to yours and I have heard how painful that can be, whether they decide to transition or not.

There are always options, although none of them may give you everything you desire while also allowing you to retain your loving relatinship with your wife. Have you considered seeing a gender therapist to discuss your situation? If you don't have a gender therapist close by, a good therapist could still help you. At the very least, you would then be able to unburden yourself and openly discuss your pain. Keeping it bottled up is not healthy. Taking the step of seeing a therapist does not need to mean you are committing yourself to a course of action.

Only you can decide what is best. You are hurting a lot, though, and a good therapist can help. He/she may even suggest some options you haven't considered. Perhaps you will learn coping mechanisms to help you remain in your marriage with less emotional pain.

If you go to a therapist, don't give up if the two of you don't connect well. Look for another one until you find the therapist you feel comfortable with. This person should also respect your values.

You stated that your wife would like to use the sex toy on you. If she was even slightly serious about this, why not let her? You might at least discuss the possibility in a calm way.

I know there really isn't anything you all an do for me but I just wanted to get it out in the open with someone other than my friend. Thanks for listening.

I'm really glad you wrote, James. Feel free to send me a PM or email if you wish to communicate privately. You can do that by clicking on the 'Private Messages' link in the upper right hand corner of the page.

Hugs,

Danya

[datyiasp (imported)]

I believe Danya's advice to seek a compatible gender therapist is an excellent idea. Find one that you are comfortable opening up with. Listen closely because often you may get advice that you don't want or find difficult to hear. Such counsel is usually much more beneficial than the advice you are wanting to hear, so it is wise to consider it even though the thoughts in your head scream otherwise.

You are intelligent by trying to work things out while not involving your wife. You are not sure where you're at because you are currently sexually confused. Any words or ideas communicated to her now can't be called back once you have found your true sexuality. Wives do not deal with these kind of issues very well. A lady expects her man to be able to "stand and deliver" rather than to bend over and "take it". Give her a thread and she'll knit an entire sweater from it. Every time.

Richard appears to be the most influential person in your life at present. You have bottomed for him and received much pleasure from the experiences. Sometimes this may cause a man to despise his genitals as they just passively dangle about as he's being reamed by a "real" man's penis. Loving anal can be just as humbling to a man as it is pleasurable for him. It's hard to reconcile your enjoyment of an act that essentially "feminizes" you sexually to another male's ego. Have a real heart to heart talk with Richard and discuss your sexual fears and their effects on your marriage (regular sex with the wife to twice monthly).Talk with him about your dislike of your genitalia. Try giving each other oral and see how you feel about that. Take a Viagra and give him a good hosing to see if it is more blessed to give than receive. You may find that you go both ways (enjoy sex with males or females). It may be possible you could be a "closet" bisexual!

It is incredibly easy to become hooked on cock.

Rest assured that many people are undergoing the same apprehensions as you are. We're all somewhere in the same boat.

Good luck!

Thank you.

[jamesmc (imported)]

Thank you for your comment but for me the intercourse I had with Richard wasn't about the pleasure. In fact I didn't really enjoy it because it kind of hurt. What was pleasurable was being penetrated even though it wasn't in my vagina. The same thing would be involved with my wife if she bought a sex toy. It definately wouldn't be for the pleasure of it. It would be for the longing I have to be penetrated during sex like a biological female. As I said earlier I am not really attracted to men. I wasn't interested in kissing him or having sex with him. I just needed to be penetrated to help me feel more like a female. I gave him oral sex as well and I decided after the first time we were involved together that I wasn't a homosexual. I am not attracted to men. I did however engage in intercourse with him a second time for the same reason listed about. I didn't feel right about the anal sex. IMO it didn't feel right. What felt right was the penetration but not where it occured. When I engage in intercourse with my wife I have the same feelings. That it isn't right. I should be the one laying down there. It should be me getting penetrated. Again thanks for your comments. I hope I can get this sorted out at some point in time. I am just way cunfused at what to do right now. The only course of action that seems to fit right now is to continue to suppress my feelings and see what happens in the future.

[jamesmc (imported)]

I wanted everyone to know I realized that my personal information was out of date so it is up to date now. I was living in Ky when I first became a member here but now I reside in Indiana. I have been here for about a year now. I also wanted everyone to know that my female name is Jennifer Lynn. I have had this named picked out since I was little. If you would rather refer to me as Jennifer I would be happy.

A little more insite into me........

As I said before I have had these feelings for as long as I can remember. I don't know exactly when they started but It was at a very young age. I didn't typically do what boys did. I enjoyed painting and needle point and cross stiching. My mother and grandmother both encouraged these activities which was nice. I have always been very sensitive and emotional. I cry easy and get my feelings hurt easily. I didn't know what to think of what I was experiencing until I was much older. I didn't know what a transexual was until I was around 20 when I saw "The Christine Jorgenson Story" I finally realized what I was. Then I became connected to the internet and was able to research. I have been to most every site I can find and read most every story of transition before and after gender reasignment. I have heard all the horrer stories of gender change gone wrong but also the tremendous amounts of successes. There is one great site called the Transexual women's successes that I think every pre-transitioning transexual should read. There are so many examples of fantastic trans-women that have completely normal and very successfull lives.

This is something I would like to add but it is earlier than what I have said above. I said there was only one person I have told my secret to and I was fibbing. I am married to my second wife. I was married once before for a short time (this was my son's mom). We dated for about 3 years before we got married and one night we were lying there and I asked here if there was one thing you could do even if it was for one night only what would it be. She stated she would like to be with another girl to try it out. I told here I would like to be female and be able to feel like what a real female felt like. She actually seemed supportive. IMO I missed out on my chance to fullfill my dream but I let it slip away. We got married when I was 19 and divorced 3 months later. I met my current wife when I was 21. 12 years is a long time to keep a secret from her like this and I don't know how much longer I can.

I have thought about just blurting it out one night and see what happens but like someone said earlier that once you say something you can't take it back. My sexual interests as a man are slim to none and I think it is only a matter of time before my wife suggests therapy and this will be the time the truth will come out. In a way it will be so much lifted off my chest. I almost can't wait. I really wish there was some way to do this where she doesn't get hurt.

I would also like to try hormone replacement. I haven't had any experience with it other than my wifes doctor switched her hormones (she had a hysterectomy shortly after our 5 yo's birth) and the bottle of her old hormones disappered. I only had enough for 2 weeks but it was so liberating. I finally felt like I was battleing the evil testosterone that was running through my veins. There wasn't enough there to make any kind of difference but just knowing I finally had at least some estrogen running through me was a great feeling. I have thought about birth control pills. Do these have any effect what-so-ever? Not nessesarily for it to cause changes in me but for more psychological reasons, just to know I had estrogen in me.

I know these thoughts are just kind of strung together but I really need to get them out in the open. Thanks again for listening.

James

(Jennifer Lynn)

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for sharing your name and I know how important it is to be known as who you really are. I will try to post a longer response when I have more time. For now, I'll make just a few comments then I need to get to bed.

No matter what you do, people will get hurt. Even if you decide to do nothing, you are being hurt because you have no one to discuss your situation with and you fear what will happen if your wife learns the truth. The strain you are under now, and your lack of sexual interest in your wife, is also adversely affecting your family interactions.

People are already hurting in this situation. Making a decision to take action and seek therapy may very well cause even more pain in the short-term. In the end, it could free you and your wife to more openly live your lives apart or find a workable arrangement where your relationship with your wife continues but in a more honest way. There are couples who remain married, and are happy, even after one of the pair has transitioned and undergone GRS. If a couple decides to stay together, it does not mean the road will be easy but many things in life are not.

There are children in your life, a complication I never had. Their needs need to be a very high priority.

I agree you should not blurt out something you can never take back, unless you are damn well sure you know who you are and you mean what you say. As an example, I was given this same advice when I started to think about ending my marriage. A therapist told me it is OK to say something like "I'd like to talk with you, things haven't being going well in our relationship and I wonder if we might be better off apart - or if we can work things out to improve our marriage." This is very different from first bringing up the divorce topic with "I want a divorce". That is a statement of intent to act that is extremely difficult to undo.

Take care,

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

Danya has said most of what I would say. I really think talking to a therapist before you open up to anyone else would be a good idea. Its not easy to "unsay" things.

As to dabbling with blackmarket hormones. PLEASE don't without talking to your doctor. There are the medical aspects of this as well as the mental ones. If you fiddle with black market hormones or try using birth control pills (Not a good way to do TS HRT from my understanding) you could harm yourself. If you do HRT for any great length of time you will make changes to yourself that can not be reversed so you really want to be extra sure before you start down that road.

Sexually the situation with your wife sounds very complicated. Have you thought of ways to make love (At least for now) that don't press your male buttons? Oral sex, strapons, Vibrator sex or whatever? Think "Lesbian" sex for now while you work this out so your not making her crazy from lack of intimacy? And maybe when you figure out a plan with your therapist she can be a part of it.

I do think the part of the problem is your children. Its hard to imagine the trauma this could cause so take your time and be extra sure of what you want to do and then plan it so that it hurts them the least.

Good luck and God Bless!

- MrT

[Jessie James (imported)]

Hey all this is my first post but I have been lurking on here for awhile reading and learning all I can. I have pretty much known all my life that there is something different about me. I have never felt right about my body or what it looks like. I use to sneak into my parents bedroom and look a magazines my stepdad had and wonder why I didn't have what those girls had between their legs. As the years have progressed I have grown to pretty much hate what I have down there. A little insite to my life.....

I am currently married and have 2 children that live with me. I have always done everything hyper-male (like hunt and fish) to try and suppress the feelings that I have but it has never worked. My wife and I used to have intercourse regularly but now it is maybe once every 2 weeks. I don't like having intercourse with what's between my legs right now. She gets upset when I don't want to have intercourse and I have thought about telling her my feelings. The truth is I love her very much and I don't want to lose her. I know that if I tell her what is going on she will leave me. She married a man not a female. I want so desperatly to finally have the body that matches my mind but I dont' see how I can without destroying my life. Up until now there was only one person on this planet that knows who I truely am. My buddy Richard. He is a homosexual man and is very understanding. I have had interc

ourse with him on two occasions.

Even though I am not really attracted to men it was such a wonderfull feeling to finally be penetrated. My wife joked with me the other day about getting a sex toy. When I said I would enjoy seeing her use it she said she would like to use it on me. I of course said no way but I really wanted to say I would love to.

I know there really isn't anything you all an do for me but I just wanted to get it out in the open with someone other than my friend. Thanks for listening.

i've been in the same place, and so have a lot of other guys. i decided to procede with castration and feminization. don't feel alone. get help. talk about it, and see if you are willing to pay the price to right your life. do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain