Personal log of my motivations for castration.

[chilliwilli (imported)]

On the drive home from a pleasant shift, I began to compile the various times throughout my life that the desire for castration surfaced in my concious mind. Since at the present, I'm not complelled to become a eunuch, I thought back on the times when my motivation was great. I'm sure that the desire will resurface again. I understand the desire to control ones deviant sexuality, to remove something from within ones self that is not fit for society. However, I am powerless over this submissive male sexual self, at times loathing this pathetic inner being and at other times over joyed expressing a rather unique sexuality. Who's to say that someday I may decide castration is the right way to go, as this would fit my body image and psychological idenity.

So here are the times in my life when the thoughts of castration were greatest and the reasons why.

6-8 yrs. Castration ideation came in the form of tucking my testicles between the legs. Not wanting to be female just without testicles. I believe my parents deliberately supplanted the idea in my mind. In fact my father had traveled overseas and brought back a small sac with two stones. One pebble was red the other yellow and were made of glass. I took them to show and tell with the story my father told me. I'm sure the teachers were mortified, as I recall a not so warm reception. At any rate one day my little baggy with the stones disappeared and it became a family joke for sometime. There were many other instances of figuartive castration throughout the formative years with a healthy does of denial of self.

18-23 yrs Military years and experimentation with of submissive homosexuality. These were enjoyed for the most part as it was truley myself expressing my sexuality, my whole self, not just getting a hard on banging some chick. I sought out a vasectomy realizing that I could never fulfil the role that society had planned for me.

25-28yrs. College years brought socialization with girls and me realizing how incapable I was of expressing my sexuality. This is when I begain to hate the beast within and any form he came out in. I realized castration was a way to end the frustration and self loathing, I began to research the possiblity on a completely academic level. I checked out a book at the library on eunuchs that had not been lent sent 1964! And do I feel sorry for that poor dude! I even confessed to one of my professors that I would like to be castrated.

28-32yrs. Begain stronger desires for castration and my own subjugation in the work place. All my bosses were women and something deep inside compelled me in the direction of powerlessness. I told no one, continued to have heterosexual relations, but secretly desired the life of a eunuch. Eventually I got on the archive, ordered androcur and did a stint.

39 yrs. Finally able to face my pathetic male inner self, I began to understand the motivations and the different sides of me and not fear it. However, I have not come to peace/pleasure with my sexuality. A lingering desire to be a eunuch exisits to this day. Freer than ever, more able to express myself around older adults and others. I would not wish this life on anyone.

chilli-

[Milkman (imported)]

Wow.. so much of that i could have written myself....

[nullorchis (imported)]

How did the Androcur help or not help?

With your testosterone suppressed by chemicals you can then evaluate life as it might be as a eunuch.

If there is no light at the end of the tunnel as a chemical eunuch, then you might not achieve what you desire as a physical eunuch.

Happiness is a goal worth pursuing. Sometimes no matter how miserable our past and present seems, it doesn't take much looking to find one, or many people who are far far worse off than ones self.

The past is gone and can not be undone.

The future is all that is left and while some of it is beyond our control, a lot of it is within our control.

Finding someone , a trained qualified professional, who can help you bury the past and enable you to create the future you want might be worth a try. It would be a shame to seek out castration and then discover that it did not help you to get rid of all of the issues that are of concern to you. Castration may be helpful for you, or not, but if done it might just be one piece of the puzzle, not the entire solution.

[chilliwilli (imported)]

How did the Androcur help or not help?

With your testosterone suppressed by chemicals you can then evaluate life as it might be as a eunuch.

If there is no light at the end of the tunnel as a chemical eunuch, then you might not achieve what you desire as a physical eunuch.

Happiness is a goal worth pursuing. Sometimes no matter how miserable our past and present seems, it doesn't take much looking to find one, or many people who are far far worse off than ones self.

The past is gone and can not be undone.

The future is all that is left and while some of it is beyond our control, a lot of it is within our control.

Finding someone , a trained qualified professional, who can help you bury the past and enable you to create the future you want might be worth a try. It would be a shame to seek out castration and then discover that it did not help you to get rid of all of the issues that are of concern to you. Castration may be helpful for you, or not, but if done it might just be one piece of the puzzle, not the entire solution.

Nullorchis-

The stint on androcur was a glimpse into life as a eunuch and was enjoyed, but only a couple months in duration.

I'll wrestle with this for the seasons one more time, then re-evaluate the whole eunuch life.

the domestic

chilli-

[datyiasp (imported)]

Congratulations for a very insightful post.

Apparently, your late teens/early twenties found you enjoying sexual activity as a homosexual bottom. That seems to be the period that you were happiest "living in your own skin". I'm assuming you had a vasectomy because it may have "validated" your feelings about it.

The next 7 years or so it seems you discovered the difference between submissive sex compared to satisfying the superior sexual capacities of females. You appear to begin loathing your inability to satisfy ladies coupled with your enjoyment of submissive male sex. This led to an "academic" interest in castration. Serving under female supervisors at work further intensified your "self loathing" of your submissive sexuality and certainly helped "unman" you to the point of using Androcur. You enjoyed this chemical means of castration but haven't explained why you discontinued its use after only 2 months.

At 39 you now feel capable of facing your "pathetic male inner self". This is indeed an excellent quality to possess and I'm certain will help you make the proper choice.

I feel some things you might consider are:

1) You may be a homosexual bottom in "self denial".

2) You may be unmanned by the female's sexual superiority and your inability to satisfy it.

3) You may be a masochist and castration is the "ultimate pity party" for you.

4) Some or all the above.

All of this is just one idiot's (me) opinion. I am not trying to be a wise guy. Please don't take off my head!

Life begins at 40, or so "they" say.

Thank you.

[chilliwilli (imported)]

Congratulations for a very insightful post.

Apparently, your late teens/early twenties found you enjoying sexual activity as a homosexual bottom. That seems to be the period that you were happiest "living in your own skin". I'm assuming you had a vasectomy because it may have "validated" your feelings about it.

The next 7 years or so it seems you discovered the difference between submissive sex compared to satisfying the superior sexual capacities of females. You appear to begin loathing your inability to satisfy ladies coupled with your enjoyment of submissive male sex. This led to an "academic" interest in castration. Serving under female supervisors at work further intensified your "self loathing" of your submissive sexuality and certainly helped "unman" you to the point of using Androcur. You enjoyed this chemical means of castration but haven't explained why you discontinued its use after only 2 months.

At 39 you now feel capable of facing your "pathetic male inner self". This is indeed an excellent quality to possess and I'm certain will help you make the proper choice.

I feel some things you might consider are:

1) You may be a homosexual bottom in "self denial".

2) You may be unmanned by the female's sexual superiority and your inability to satisfy it.

3) You may be a masochist and castration is the "ultimate pity party" for you.

4) Some or all the above.

All of this is just one idiot's (me) opinion. I am not trying to be a wise guy. Please don't take off my head!

Life begins at 40, or so "they" say.

Thank you.

Datyiasp-

I had crafted a witty response, but it was long and got lost...so here goes...

#4 all the above. And you are a wise man.

Nullorchis also posed the same question about the androcur stint being so short. And you caught my glib response so..."why only two months on androcur?"

I became self employeed at that time and needed to focus on work. Also I am not just a masochistic submissive bi-sexual man, caving under the sexual desires of the women around me...I'm also quite narcissistic. The physical changes to a chiseled male physice are not acceptable.

the domestic

chilli-

[datyiasp (imported)]

I am very impressed with your honesty, insight and objectivity by taking stock of your situation. I could say that you are a normal male but that would be unfair to you.

You are way above normal as very few men have the balls to analyze their sexuality with the hard look in the mirror that you have done.

All men are somewhere on the same sexual bell curve as you. It is true a very few men congregate at the extreme ends of the curve. I've found the majority of men continuously ride up and down the bell curve in response to life's vicissitudes, waving at each other as we meet in the vacillations of our sexuality.

I am bothered by the fact you haven't achieved peace and pleasure with your sexuality. You have accomplished 99% of your sexual evaluation, you are a normal human being, and all that's left is your acceptance of yourself as you are! You'll be all right! It's time to be kind to yourself and enjoy your life!

You are way too young for castration. Maybe later in your life (50s or 60s), but not now.

Thank you.

[Kangan (imported)]

Datyiasp-

I had crafted a witty response, but it was long and got lost...so here goes...

#4 all the above. And you are a wise man.

Nullorchis also posed the same question about the androcur stint being so short. And you caught my glib response so..."why only two months on androcur?"

I became self employeed at that time and needed to focus on work. Also I am not just a masochistic submissive bi-sexual man, caving under the sexual desires of the women around me...I'm also quite narcissistic. The physical changes to a chiseled male physice are not acceptable.

the domestic

chilli-

Chilli,

You have a very good insight into your psyche. My own opinion is that castration would be the right thing for you. I too, have wrestled with abnormal sexual urges. Castration has helped me to control these urges.

[chilliwilli (imported)]

Kangan-

My urges are not deviant to the point of hurting others or innocents. They are just compelling and deep rooted desires that when acted on allow me to be me.

I really really really want to experience life physically as a eunuch, but at the same time am happy as a virtual eunuch without all the physical changes. I'm sure if and when I go thru with it I'll be ok. Right now, I agree with datyisap, and think it would be foolish to not experience more of life after the latest metamophisis.

The comments have been so helpful in staying focused,

thank you

chilli-