Fiery demonic aggression

[Castroboi (imported)]

I was wondering would a T blocker or castration help with aggression because of abuse an neglect??? You see when I was little I was supposedly molested by my step dad, beat and neglected by my biological mother, I grew very angry. Throughout school because of asperger's syndrome I was bullied and socially neglected which lead to isolation, fear of others and a further build up of aggression.

The aggression got so bad that my parents had me put in a mental hospital for two weeks for evaluation, however they told me because I was gay I couldn't have a roommate. So I had to spend about four hours a day alone, with nothing to do except look out the window at the cold withered winter scenery, because of this I grew more angry and depressed. Then on another stay at the lovely hospital from hell, they sent me to my room to calm down 30 minutes later a staff member comes in and asks me on a scale from 1-10 how angry I was, I responded and said a ten. I was not breaking anything, or cussing or anything like that however about ten people rushed me restrained me then shot me up with dope, I bit one then they tied me down to the bed, and left me for an hour. During my time restrained I was angry I could have killed them with my bare hands.

While at a stay at a group home after that, I was connately harassed, by a staff member because I didn't agree with his views, and because I was gay. I was very angry the entire time I was there, so angry and in pain I wanted to die and I attempted suicide several times and cut on myself and generally beat myself black and blue.

While I am normally a very nice guy, very pleasant to be around if I get angry I become a different person. I fear that one day if that beast that lies dormant within my heart wakes up I will lose my humanity and become the most twisted monster the world has seen in years. So could a T blocker or castration help in this department???

[Paolo]

It might, it might not.

It's one of those YMMV things.

Myself, I THINK I know what you're living with, because I live with the same thing myself.

I can't even begin to relate to what you've described here, but we all have our personal demons. Some worse than others, granted.

Myself, having lowered testosterone levels hasn't helped my temper or outbursts one bit.

[chilliwilli (imported)]

I was wondering would a T blocker or castration help with aggression because of abuse an neglect??? You see when I was little I was supposedly molested by my step dad, beat and neglected by my biological mother, I grew very angry. Throughout school because of asperger's syndrome I was bullied and socially neglected which lead to isolation, fear of others and a further build up of aggression.

The aggression got so bad that my parents had me put in a mental hospital for two weeks for evaluation, however they told me because I was gay I couldn't have a roommate. So I had to spend about four hours a day alone, with nothing to do except look out the window at the cold withered winter scenery, because of this I grew more angry and depressed. Then on another stay at the lovely hospital from hell, they sent me to my room to calm down 30 minutes later a staff member comes in and asks me on a scale from 1-10 how angry I was, I responded and said a ten. I was not breaking anything, or cussing or anything like that however about ten people rushed me restrained me then shot me up with dope, I bit one then they tied me down to the bed, and left me for an hour. During my time restrained I was angry I could have killed them with my bare hands.

While at a stay at a group home after that, I was connately harassed, by a staff member because I didn't agree with his views, and because I was gay. I was very angry the entire time I was there, so angry and in pain I wanted to die and I attempted suicide several times and cut on myself and generally beat myself black and blue.

While I am normally a very nice guy, very pleasant to be around if I get angry I become a different person. I fear that one day if that beast that lies dormant within my heart wakes up I will lose my humanity and become the most twisted monster the world has seen in years. So could a T blocker or castration help in this department???

castroboi-

I can totally understand. Anger can be like pain, you can take it in small amounts but when it builds and is unrelanting it becomes unbearable. The more you think about all the shit and what you're left with the more depressed then pissed off you become. While I have just started dealing with my shit, I am older and have alot of coping mechanisms.

Here are a few ways I cope. Humor helps, working out physically can take your mind off of you, having creative hobbies allows you to feel productive and hopeful and can become an alternative reality.

So there are things you can do to manage your anger. Sometimes it becomes unbearable, infact dangerous. A few years back I was pissed off for months. I went to bed angery and awoke angry. One day I was driving along listening to "Let it Be" on the radio. A motorcycle cop pulled me over for speeding. I was barely able to contain myself, but I did.

Everything is relative. While it is unlikely that socially and emotionally you can ever become even moderately functional, at least for you, you can do better. You can experience victories and glory in your own life and create an existance away for more abuse, maybe even gain power and influence over those who once victimized you!;)

the sainted disgruntled domestic

chilli-

[Castroboi (imported)]

Sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me the pain will go away. Sometimes I fear I could lash out and hurt those I love, I have done it in the past.

I wish there was a way to destroy this beast, so I can finally move on beyond what I am now. Does anyone have any idea how to destroy such a fiery rage filled demon??

[A-1 (imported)]

You cannot destroy it. You must learn to overpower it and to control it. It takes time, patience and practice.

...learn to be gentle with yourself first, then it is easier to be gentle with others...

...I would highly recommend taking up the martial arts...

[nullorchis (imported)]

Isn't it awful how we remember that which we do not want to remember,

and we can not remember that which we do want to remember.

The first step, I believe, to self help, is not drugs, it is our own mind.

Our minds are such powerful tools. They can literally harm us and help us.

The "we" that is us, which is in the mind, needs to control the mind, lest the mind control us.

Different than mind over matter, there is "me" over my mind.

While there is no pill to erase bad personal history, I once heard something that has seemed to help me for all kinds of problems.

Regarding a long past that we do not want, a past that is painful today, and a past that is going to ruin tomorrow,

Physically get yourself a briefcase, small suitcase, or large suitcase. One that locks.

The size of the case depends on the amount of troubles that are a burden to you.

This involves a lot of play acting and pretending, but for many people it does seem to help.

Mentally pack up all your cares and woes and stuff them figuratively into the case.

Lock the case.

Place the case in an out of the way place, but some place where you can see it when you need to see it.

You can now tell yourself that your awful past, while not erased, while not gone, is packed up, locked up, and is not going to bother you.

Everytime the past starts to enter your mind you remind yourself that you have that awful past locked up and this helps you to let go and not let the past take up any more of your time.

The past is still there. You can not erase it. But it is locked up, safely stored away, and you are now free to focus on today, and make plans for a better tomorrow.

The locked case keeps the past from breaking out and infecting your thoughts.

On a daily basis, when something happens that you think or know is going to bother you, you write it down, place it into an envelope, and either:

a) Store it somewhere and never open it

or

b) Shred it. That makes it gone forever and out of your life.

---------------

There is just not a darn thing we can do about the past.

It is either neutral, good, great, sucks, or is just tragically damaging and awful.

But if we continue to dwell on the past it will ruin today and tomorrow.

There are other issues of course.

Some folks due to a brutally damaging past, or some severe mental/physical damage, can not help themselves and they are in need of long term professional care.

Self help books, talking, writing, just as castroboi did here, are steps towards easing the pain and moving forward. Like in real life, there are no guarantees moment to moment, day to day. Train crashes, airplane crashes, car crashes, disease, accidents, can end or alter our lives in a moment. That alone makes living each moment in a good way, and not re-living and re-living a dreadful past, very important.

[chilliwilli (imported)]

It is very challenging to look at an abusive past and come to grips with it without that process affecting your daily life. However, in doing so you gain wisdom and self control. It is that process, of learning how to accept the past that now seems the challenge. And managing ones depression and anger are key.

Boxing all my shit and moving on at 21 years of age ended three years of sitting "pondering my navel". I was just a dazed and confused street kid going no where, living in a destructive violent male youth culture. So I joined the army. I could run fast and was pissed...the perfect soldier, great.

And, having a worthless piece of shit self boxed within helped me stay focused on school and then work. But eventually, at 40, again I begain to ponder why my life had turned out as it had. Looking back on the past twenty years I can clearly see the wounds that time alone will not heal. I can not say if it is better to address your problems with a 19 yo experience or to try to move on and address your youth with the objectivity and maturity of twenty more years.

So I began to manage the beast within, rather than project my hostility and hide that isolated pathetic submissive wounded needy male within. And you may find things about yourself that you despise more than those that taunted you. We are our own worst enemy. One day you love that unique, expressive needy docile male child that dwells within and the next day you are repulsed by it.

And you may chose to project that angry vicious side of yourself that is part of you, your defense mechanism. But I never wound up in four point restraints, well except the time I broke the cops cuffs in half, but I was not angry then, just fighting for my life! Your will to live must be stronger than the chains that bind you! I have never ever made the step from projected violence to unmitigated rage. And this may be your biggest stumbling block! As frustrating as mum made my life, she dealt with my anger so that I never hurt myself or someone else and for that I love her. Today, it is my choice to be something other than a slave.

Having made piece with the past and begaining to understand that beast within, today I focus on exploring, managing and hopefully one day enjoying that side of myself. And you may gain many talents that you would not have if the world was laid at your feet.

Choose your battles wisely!

"when in doubt, knock 'em out" Joe V. R.I.P.

the homeless domestic

chilli-

[chilliwilli (imported)]

castroboi-

Be proud you live in a country where you do have free will! And e-mail me anytime.

the domestic

chilli-