And now for something completely different

[Andrew (imported)]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a blood- curdling scream and ran back to his son. A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!"What's wrong?" the father asked. A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!"I told you to be quiet!"

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us?" A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED!---A BANNED LINK WAS POSTED! Well, I guess I just panicked...

[luvpain (imported)]

Andrew,

That was a great one, I got a good long laugh out of that.

[Peter (imported)]

A man was sitting on a bench in a park, making loud noises, imitating a big 16 wheeler.

This went on and on, all the time making engine noise, shifting gears, turning the wheel..

So another man sitting next to him watching this scene in amazement, asks him; "for crying out loud, what are you doing?"

The "truck driver" shouts back at him; "shut up, I'm just getting close to the Mexican border and if that Mexican customs guysees you he'll stop me and I loose a lot of time!"

The other man shuts up, but starts to make humping movements.

The "truckdriver" gets annoyed and asks him ; " what the hell are you doing?".

The other says;" well since your'e in Mexico now, I might as well do your wife".

:tongueout

Peter

[colin (imported)]

Andrew,

I have had this one for a little time, and was not sure if I should post it, but following your example, here goes:-

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not get a larger council house. So the husband went to his Doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a banger, (a firework to you) light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a banger in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the Doc.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1" "2" "3" "4" "5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in many Welsh towns.

For any Scousers reading this (I would have made him a Geordie but, as we all know, they don't count)! Now, is there any one else I can insult?

[Andrew (imported)]

A Texas cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Señor, you have excellent taste. Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here. Bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much, smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Andrew (imported)]

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"

"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"