Axlotl --further development May contain spoilers

[Unregistered (imported)]

So I'm totally stuck on the exposition needed to further the story for Axlotl. I've tried doing a faux wikipedia exceprt on the whole artifical gonad thing and it's just not working. I'm considering trying to drag some of the details out in a fight between Jaysen and his aunt, but dialog is not my strong point to say the least. Would anyone be interested in helping me develop this?

[curious_guy (imported)]

So I'm totally stuck on the exposition needed to further the story for Axlotl. I've tried doing a faux wikipedia exceprt on the whole artifical gonad thing and it's just not working. I'm considering trying to drag some of the details out in a fight between Jaysen and his aunt, but dialog is not my strong point to say the least. Would anyone be interested in helping me develop this?

It might be better to have the dialog between Jasen and someone at the clinic.

What do you think of this?

"What is this gland thing you put in me? What the heck does it do?"

"If we didn't put the gland in you, you'd get weak and probably fat. You might even grow breasts. The gland will prevent all that without making you aggressive or increasing your libido."

"Libido?" Jasen said in a puzzled tone.

"Libido is sex drive. You probably call it horniness."

[Slammr (imported)]

So I'm totally stuck on the exposition needed to further the story for Axlotl. I've tried doing a faux wikipedia exceprt on the whole artifical gonad thing and it's just not working. I'm considering trying to drag some of the details out in a fight between Jaysen and his aunt, but dialog is not my strong point to say the least. Would anyone be interested in helping me develop this?

It all depends on where you want to go with the story. What's the purpose of the artificial gonad thing? Why was he castrated? Is it something that's done to most boys?

Written from the boy's perspective and catching him by surprise as it did, we might not know why the aunt had him castrated, but how does he feel about it?

What's your purpose in writing the story? Have you gone no further than to develop the idea of the artificial gonad, or did you have something else you wanted to say?

Dialog is tough, but I think you got the boy neutered much too quickly. Had I written the story, I would have probably taken two or three chapters to get to the same place you did in a paragraph or two. You needed to establish some kind of dialog and relationship between the kid and his aunt before she had him castrated, so we could contrast that with the dialog and how he feels about her after she's had him castrated.

That doesn't mean you need write a book, but this story could use some fleshing out.

"Mom, I'm not trying to spoil the kid" my aunt Margo said in exasperation. "But I'm not here nearly enough and even if I was I doubt I'd be the mother Susan was. I'm just trying to give him the space to make more friends"

There's nothing wrong with that dialog, but I'm not sure how it fits in with the story. It's stuck in there and tells us nothing. I don't think dialog is your problem as is having an idea of where you want to go.

Now, I don't make outlines for my stories, and the story almost always takes me somewhere I had not even considered, when I started the story, but I usually have a premise in mind before starting the story.

Perhaps, only the elite keep their balls, or certain classes of people are castrated, or a people are conquered, and all males of the defeated people are castrated, or a boy is sold into slavery.

That's what I mean about having a premise for writing the story. Where that premise takes me often surprises me as much as it may the reader of the story.

Of course, many people reading the stories only want to read the good parts, descriptions of sex and castrations. It depends on which audience you're writing your stories for. I find they're always best if I write them for myself.

The best way to learn how to write is to read what others have written. Read some of C van D's Simon stories. You can't go wrong with them, if you're writing castration stories about boys.

Timothy was about the best we've had on this board for speaking in a kid's voice. He never seemed to complete a story, but he always started them off great. His stories, in first person, as your story is, made one think a kid was telling the story. Read some of his stories.

[Slammr (imported)]

Here's a link to a re-write of the story incorporating dialog into the story as it goes along, giving - as best as I could determine from the story you wrote - a reason his aunt had him castrated. I tried to keep from expanding the story too much.

It might give you some ideas of where to go from here. Maybe he's the only boy in his school, who has been nullified, for instance. Does he come to accept his condition? What happens when he turns eighteen? Does he forgive his aunt?

Axlotl (http://www.slammr.net/special/pages/axlotl.pdf)

[StefanIsMe (imported)]

Slammr... nice work !!!!

Could this be the beginning of more fiction from you? Crossing my fingers...