Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

Danya, I haven't experienced this yet but I fully expect to. Most of my family is scattered around the country. I don't see them very often so I have my letter written and I expect my remaining brother, a homophobic, red neck deputy sheriff to want nothing more to do with me. And as far as my wife's family, well my wife has already said if they disown us, too bad for them. The only ones I worry about are my son's family including my grandchildren and one of my cousins. He and I are less than three months apart in age and losing him would really hurt.

I'm sorry you going through this but sometimes, it's just better to cut your losses and walk away. It's easy to say they are the ones losing but in reality it's true.

Hi Hopeful1,

Your wife sounds like a gem! I hope things go well with your son's family and cousin.

The hardest part for me is my Texas brother, his wife, and my niece and nephew. My California brother is extremely conservative, religiously and politically. I never thought there was much hope with him.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I agree that it is time to walk away. Actually, I've been through this with them before. I was hoping, probably naively, that with time (almost 8 years) they might have moder

ated their views. I do not plan to contact them again.

Keep your chin up sister! A

ccept warm wishes and happy Merry Christmas from me!

Hi GenChick,

Thanks for

your warm thoughts and Christmas greeting! I love Christmas and I'm lucky to hav

e my husband to share it with.

Hi Danya,

You have a great family here, we love you. Merry Christmas from JCat!

Hi jcat,

You are so right--I have a terrific family here. My love to you and everyone here and I wish everyone a Merry Christmas/Happy Holiday and good things in 2016.

[Danya (imported)]

A friend wrote to me saying that family is defined by those you love and those who love you. Family is not biologically determined. My friend is right. It is my chosen family that is important in my life.

I had given up on my biological family six years ago and was fine with that. My mistake was in listening to a psychologist who thinks that aging may have moderated my siblings' views. That may happen someday. If it does, they know how to contact me. I will never again put myself through the trauma of contacting them, hoping for a positive response, and hearing nothing. Just silence, not even a "go to hell" or "we never want to hear from you again."

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'D' and I took a mini-vacation as our Christmas present to each other. We spent three nights in a suburban hotel that has a two-person Jacuzzi in each room. This was very relaxing. Each night, we tried a different restaurant that looked interesting. We saw the movie "Spotlight" in a theater. It was one of the finest movies we have seen, tackling an important, sensitive subject well. Michael Keaton was superb as the editor of "Spotlight". We watched another fine movie in the room: "The Martian."

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I've been working with my church to incorporate a welcome to gender diverse people in the congregation's welcome statement. After more than a year of my bugging the pastors about this, we finally have a working group (I am co-chair) to pull everything together. This includes providing gender-neutral restrooms; presenting awareness training for the congregation through an adult forum that will include a panel of MTF, genderqueer, and FTM persons; holding a five-week Wednesday night discussion group; and screening and discussing a movie (perhaps "Transparent). Our goal is to have the new welcome statement approved by the congregation in late spring.

All the pastors agree that if the vote were held tomorrow, it would easily pass. They are rightly concerned, however, that the congregation be aware of the complexities of trans* lives and what it takes for trans* folks to feel welcome when they have so often been rejected by religious institutions. I am very pleased to be part of this advocacy work on behalf of my trans* brothers and sisters.

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My new work-at-home business venture is slowly getting off the ground. I have been accepted as a remote contract worker by an off-shore company. I will not count on them to provide all of my work. It's important that I have a diverse set of clients so that if one closes shop, my entire business won't fail, too.

[Hopeful1 (imported)]

Danya, good for you working within your church. I was lucky as when I started attending my church, our Parish Associate was the first minister within our denomination to maintain her ordination after transitioning and surgery. Our congregation certainly understood transgender. Sometimes though, welcoming churches overlook that some transgender people can't come to church dressed. I don't know the possibilities at your church but some churches try open the doors an hour early and provide space to allow trans people time to get in and dress.

[GenChick (imported)]

...

I've been working with my church to incorporate a welcome to gender diverse people in the congregation's welcome statement. After more than a year of my bugging the pastors about this, we finally have a working group (I am co-chair) to pull everything together. This includes

gender-neutral restrooms, additional awareness training of

the congregation through an adult forum that will include a panel of MTF, genderqueer, and FTM persons, a five-week Wednesday night discussion group

and screening of a movie (perhaps "Transparent) in April

. Our goal is to have the new welcome statement approved by the congreation in May.

All the pastors agree that if the vote were held tomorrow, it would easily pass. They are rightly concerned, however, that the congregation be aware of the complexities of trans lives and what it takes for trans* folks to feel welcome when they have so often been rejected by religious institutions. I am very pleased to be part of this advocacy work on behalf of my trans* brothers and sisters. ...

What church denominations is your church?

[GenChick (imported)]

..

. Sometimes though, welcoming churches overlook that some transgender people can't come to church dressed. I don't know the possibilities at your church but some churches try open the doors an hour early and provide space to allow trans people time to get in and dress.

I am confused… Please, explain!

[Paolo]

I'm sure they don't all show up naked.

[Danya (imported)]

As a birthday treat, I will go to a movie early this afternoon. 'D' was a little surprised that I am fine going out by myself! I'd like to see "The Danish Girl", a film about a transgender pioneer. Seems it's also a love story. I may wait to see this until 'D' can accompany me, so I can lean on his shoulder if I wind up crying [I cry when I am happy or deeply moved.] The movie has received raves from critics

I will respond to recent member posts here later today or tomorrow.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya, good for you working within your church. I was lucky as when I started attending my church, our Parish Associate was the first minister within our denomination to maintain her ordination after transitioning and surgery. Our congregation certainly understood transgender. Sometimes though, welcoming churches overlook that some transgender people can't come to church dressed. I don't know the possibilities at your church but some churches try open the doors an hour early and provide space to allow trans people time to get in and dress.

Most members of my congregation are very progressive, as are all of the pastors. Both 'D' and I feel very much at home there. Your point about providing a place for trans* people to change clothing to dress as themselves is excellent. I hadn't thought of this. Than

k you! I will bring it up at our next commi

ttee meeting.

What church denominations is your church?

This is an Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA). The ELCA is generally fairly progressive, although there are certainly fairly conservative ELCA congregations. Note: There are other America

n branches of the Lutheran church that

are more conservative than the ELCA.

I am confused… Please, explain!

I'm sure they don't all show up naked.

Many trans* folk prefer to dress differently from what is expected for the sex they were assigned at birth. Some of them dress as their chosen sex/gender only in spaces they know to be safe from harassment or worse.

[Hopeful1 (imported)]

I am confused… Please, explain!

By that I mean trans people who are not full time and can't, for various reasons, leave home dressed as their real self. By allowing time and space to change clothes, welcoming churches can encourage people to dress as their true gender.

[Danya (imported)]

Thank God my husband 'D' wanted to see "The Danish Girl" with me. The film was simultaneously cathartic and devastating. Near its end, I was sobbing as I held tightly to 'D's' hand. What I write below is based on memories that film stirred up. If you want to see the movie, you may not want to read further.

When I contacted my PhD adviser over a year ago, he had not heard from me since I graduated in 1996. That was in my pre-transition days. By the time we spoke a year ago, it had been about 5 years since I transitioned on the job.The first thing he said was that he'd heard I was dead. I was so startled, I didn't know what to say. I might have asked where he'd heard such a thing. I suspect now that my ex-spouse was in touch with my Texas brother and his family. TX likely said they viewed my former self as being dead. This conclusion fits with some other pieces of my story. My ex, who lives near the university, then told someone there that I was/am dead. I'm OK with that! At least one person at the university now knows that I am, after all, alive. The film showed loving people coping with very difficult circumstances.

I don't remember writing here about complications of my SRS surgery. Back then, a friend on this site wrote that I'd needed a unit of blood. That is correct. There was another complication however and this second complication may have been the trigger for my ongoing pelvic pain. I'll never know the answer to that and, at this point, it really doesn't matter. Even with the pain, I am happy I had the surgery although I certainly would have preferred a pain-free outcome. I may write about this second complication another time. All surgery has a risk of complications. The movie brought back memories of trying to cope with surgery complications mostly on my own. I was too out of it from pain killer to know better.

As we left the theater, I heard a young heterosexual couple discussing the movie. The young woman told her friend that it was interesting and really made you think. I later told 'D' that it would be nice if my relatives were so open to new ways of looking at people. He responded that the way people react to films like this is likely tied to how liberal or conservative they are. I doubt that this works as a blanket statement but suspect there is some truth in it. It fits my family, anyway. Particularly my CA brother. After the movie, I did a Google search on the title. I landed on a right-leaning site. The author claimed that no one was showing the opposing "Christian" view, which really irritated me. I hate it when anyone claims they, or their church, or their denomination is speaking for God.

We stopped at Target on the way home. The female cashier told 'D' that since I was all dolled up, he should take me someplace nice for dinner. He is doing just that.