Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

I am feeling stuck or perhaps, even, a bit lost.

About ten days ago, a former colleague put me in touch with a trans woman living in a conservative western state. She is in a very bad situation, having lived as a woman for several years. Having difficulty staying employed, and after having legally changing her name, she detransitioned back to living as a man. There are other problems for her. I cannot list them now. It's painful for me to write even this much. We exchanged several emails, but I haven't heard from her in five days. I fear for her life. I don't know her address or anything more than her first name. Life can be extraordinarily difficult for far too many trans folk.

'D' tells me I am stronger than he is. Perhaps he is right, although I am not convinced. 'X' and I spoke on the phone yesterday, when out the blue he told me I am resilient. He knows I am trying to find a way forward with my career. I feel neither strong or resilient right now. What I do feel is stuck.

I find it difficult to write for now and I still feel stuck. Writing usually helps me sort through things, but not now.

What I will do is keep moving 'forward'. I just wish I had a clearer idea of what forward is.

[Danya (imported)]

I may have found a way to dramatically decrease my pelvic pain during the day. This involves changing the time of day I take part of the dose of a prescribed medication. This was a huge help yesterday, when I was able to attend church and then sit for over two hours at a theater watching 'American Sniper.' The pain was tolerable. The downside is more daytime drowsiness. I can learn to live with that. For all of last week, the pain was nearly intolerable. I'm going to follow up with my gynecologist to see what else might help. While I am able to cope better with the pain now versus even a year ago, I still understand why some people with similar pain often feel hopeless.

Last Sunday, I took married friends to brunch to network. 'D' had a bad cold and stayed home. I gently picked their brains and was rewarded with lots of useful information on potential research jobs (e.g., building a client base) and music gigs, too. The added bonus was getting to know them better. Tonight, 'D' and I will meet with another married couple I've known for years. After the husband was laid off in 2009, he decided to try making a living as a tutor. He has a master's in math. I know it took a while for his business to take off. Now he regularly turns away new students. I want to learn how he started and grew this business.

Yesterday I was feeling stuck; today I do not. Hooray!

[Danya (imported)]

I cannot believe it's already late January. Except for much of November, which may have been colder than December here, we've had a relatively mild winter. It's now very obvious that the hours of daylight are significantly longer than on the solstice.

Changing the medication dose has continued to help lessen my pelvic pain. Today, I spoke with my doctor about it. We'll increase the dose more. On another front, my gynecologist recommended trying Botox. While I know there's no guarantee this will help, I'm excited to try it. I'm waiting to hear when we'll give it a 'shot.'

[Riverwind (imported)]

That is what we both need, a magic wand, you for your pelvic pain me for my feet, I do understand.

Hugs

River

[Danya (imported)]

I know you understand, River, and it helps knowing that! Thank you. I do have a crystal wand. It's not magic but it is a big help with a certain type of internal massage!

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Every weekend, I network over lunch with another woman or a couple. I'm working on this new career path thing. Yesterday, I treated a woman friend to brunch. She's a public school teacher. What I thought I might gain was insight on tutoring. Unexpectedly, she got me excited about the possibility of teaching secondary school science. I'm investigating this more, among other things. Talking with folks also helps me to eliminate certain paths.

All this networking has another benefit. I'm deepening friendships!

[Danya (imported)]

Wednesday morning, I'm scheduled for the Botox injection into an intra-vaginal muscle the is in a near constant state of spasm. This is contributor to my pelvic pain. My urogynecologist (I never knew this specialty existed!) told me the other contributor to 'my' pain (another doctor told me I must 'own' the pain ) is two neuromas. [I hope my other 'female problems' doctor, my gynecologist, noticed the neuromas. Within the last year, she said everything looked normal. I have had pain in the exact same spots since the beginning] The urogyno will inject the neuromas with cortisone and, perhaps, something else to try to block the pain. I am glad he was upfront with me in stating some people are not helped at all by the injections. For those that are helped, they may not be helped every time the injections are made.

The urogynecologist's nurse asked if my pain disappeared for a few weeks or months and then flared up again. It is always there, although there are a very few days a year when it is slight.

This winter, like the last, my pain seems much worse than in the warmer months. I asked the urogyno if the cold could be contributing to my pain. To my surprise, he said yes and explained why. It's an indirect relationship but it makes sense to me. 'D' and I are discussing the possibility of moving to a warmer climate. 'D' is wonderfully supportive and helpful.

I hate that my life is being limited by this pain, which is at time horrendous - as it is today. I hate that I cannot comfortably drive for more than a few miles, or at times even a few blocks, without severe pain.

For the last few days, and for the first time, I have felt desperate because of my pain. Somehow or somewhere, I need to find a way to better control it.

[kristoff]

Obviously, I am not in the same boat you are paddling. I frequently deal with chronic pain and flare-ups. Cortisone injections can be wonderful, but do take a bit of time to work - couple days to couple weeks. Have never done botox - has never been discussed or offered by my doctors. All I can say is good luck and best wishes. One of these days, when tax season has a respite for me, if you can manage 8-10 blocks, we should burn some cow and enjoy an afternoon or evening; husband included.

K

[Danya (imported)]

Dear friend Kristoff,

I know you deal with chronic pain and I appreciate your input, as always. I am hopeful I get some relief from Botox and/or cortisone. The doctor said these are likely my last hope for any lessening of pain.

This evening, I spoke with both 'D' and a long-time woman friend who knows me well. Both are of the opinion that I need to stop working, at least in the short term. 'D' stated that I've been trying to hide my pain from my boss and coworkers, although that's not working for me. He's right and I spend much of every evening, and much of the weekend, trying to recover from the increasing pain from work. It's becoming more difficult to do. Several medication dosages have been increased over the last few months. They have helped lessen the pain a bit, but they leave me fatigued and in a dense mental fog that makes it difficult to do my job.

'D' and I would love to get together with you to enjoy some burnt cow. When, of course, you have more free time.

Hugs,

Danya

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Please, do take care of yourself. You are lucky to have someone that you can depend on for support. --FLO--

[Danya (imported)]

Please, do take care of yourself. You are lucky to have someone that you can depend on for support. --FLO--

Thanks, Uncle Flo! You are correct, I'm very lucky to have 'D' in my life.

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I need to keep in mind that stress contributes to my pain. Besides, the pain itself increases my stress level. Is this then a no-win situation? I don't think so at all. I still work on relaxation techniques, physical therapy and so on. I think these have lessened the spasms in my pelvic muscles. I'm hopeful mindfulness relaxation routines may also help reduce neuroma pain.

I'm under a lot of stress right now as the end of my job approaches. I can panic when I remember that I've been unemployed nearly 2 of the last 5 1/2 years. What I need to do more often is remind myself that the economy is much better today than it was even two years ago.