Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

Unlike my Minnesota woman friend, who gets by on five hours sleep a night on a regular basis with no signs of wear, I typically need 7 1/2 to 8 hours to be in top form. It's already 9:45, so I should be getting to bed soon.

I've located a furnished room with private bath in a rather distant suburb, Elgin, but one that is still more centrally located than where I first stayed on moving to Chicago. I've spoken with the woman who owns the house and she seems pleasant enough. Erica Ann, and my former roommate too, have warned me this area has a relatively high crime rate. I mentioned this to the woman. She says the area has improved a lot over the last ten years. Her home is surrounded by $400,000 homes and she has never had a problem. She has lived there over 15 years. Besides, she has two dogs and I am crazy about dogs. I made contact with this woman when I first moved to this area and we have reconnected. I won't be able to see her place until Sunday, but to my knowledge she is not showing it to anyone else.

Tomorrow night, I will check out a place in Wood Dale, which is near O'Hare. I will wear a nice dress to the office tomorrow so I look my best to meet people in the evening. The woman I spoke with does not speak English very well, so I hope she understands what being transgender means! I'll find out tomorrow night.

After seeing that condo at 6:30 PM, I will head to suburban Schaumburg. It is just about ideally situated to get to most places in Chicagoland.

The owner of the Schaumburg townhouse lost her job a year ago and has since taken on HR consulting for work. She could still use additional income. I will be competing with at least one other person for this place. I am not sure my seeing the place first will give me an advantage!

This woman has two cats, which is fine. She sounded exceptionally nice when I called her this evening. I told her I am transgender, as I have mentioned to everyone I may share space with.

In Illlinois, discrimination in housing against transgender people is not allowed. If I'm sharing someone's home, however, I want them to know up front who I am. Discrimination may not be allowed when renting space, but things could get mighty uncomfortable sharing a home with the wrong person.

The Schaumburg woman says she is a psychic and that she uses this ability in her consulting business, unbeknownst to her clients. When I told her I am transgender and am receiving medical treamtment (i.e., estradiol), had successfully transitioned at work and now had a new job, she said she knew I was transgender as soon as I called. The fact that I still have some laryngitis may have helped clue her in. At any rate, she says she has a number of gay male friends. That could be a good sign. She also noted how she could understand how someone would not feel at home in their own body.

One of her cats, by the way, sees the room I would rent as a haven. Including a hammock in the window. I told her this would not bother me at all. Although I am more of a dog person, cats are fine, too. And I am not allergic to either.

At any rate, I'll see if anything useful develops tomorrow evening.

I have contacted some other people with a room and private bath, including a woman in upscale Barrington. She said she would call me but has not. She doesn't know at this point that I am trans. While Barrington is very nice, and has a Metra station with express trains to downtown, it is more upscale than I am used to.

On the way home, I stopped at Woodfield Mall for one of life's greatest pleasures. Getting a manicure. I have been skipping manicures to save money, but when I am meeting someone to rent space I want to look my best. I have an inherited hand tremor that makes it difficult for me to do my own nails.

If neither home I look at tomorrow works out, I will continue searching. I know that I can always fall back on the Elgin option.

Work continues to go well. The only problem is the people who can answer my questions are often on vacation or away on business. This can be frustrating but I am managing well.

I spoke with the landlord of the mold-ridden apartment this afternoon. He is being very cooperative, admits there is a problem that he does not have funds to fix and reaffirmed his willingness to allow me to leave with no negative reprecussions. He really doesn't have much choice, although I will still give him 30 days notice. Turns out I never signed the lease! 'X' had picked up the keys to the place and the landlord left he lease behind with his own signature. He never asked for mine and I forgot about it until I checked the lease today.

Giving the landlord 30 days notice will eliminate the need for me to move everything right away. I will likely wear a mask when getting my things from the apartment.

[Danya (imported)]

I am very grateful to a friend here whom I have never met. We have communicated a few times. She did me a large service today by writing of her concern for me, noting that I must be under enormous stress. I am.

The number of major life changes I am having to work through is extraordinarly stressful. Knowing that someone cares enough to worry about me, no less, actually helps. I feel less alone, particularly since I have no family to lean on.

Several times over the last few weeks, I have felt that I was near my breaking point. I never felt this way for long because I cannot afford to remain in that mental place. I acknowledged my down feelings, but picked myself up and continuedwith what I needed to do. This does not mean I am superwoman or go through life with the delusion that I have no serious issues to face. I have no choice but to be strong. At least for much of the time.

These feelings are what prompted my efforts to convince folks I am not always strong. Feeling that one must be strong at all times can be a burden.

I am not forgetting many others over the last year (Transward, Uncle Flo, Tugon, Jesus, Slammr, Kristoff, John from overseas, a sweet friend I 'met' through the Archive and others, too) here who have expressed their concerns and support for me, particularly when I have noted I feel overwhelmed or that I am not getting enough sleep (Erica Ann ) or any of number of other problems.

I am starting to feel back to normal, or at least back to a new normal that allows for job uncertainty, concern about health benefits and a number of other things.

In fact, I had a terrific day. Things went exceptionally well at the office and I was told by another person that I am doing a great job. I had a wonderful long chat with Erica Ann on the drive back from the office. Of course, I was using the blue tooth thingy. Within Chicago, it is illegal to talk on a cell phone without hands free operation.

This just in, literally. I just decided to rent the room and private bath I took a look at this evening. This is the place in Schaumburg. The fact that it is only minutes from Woodfield Mall is inconsequential. Of course, as in any situation like this, there are some aspects I am not thrilled about. Until moments ago, I thought I would investigate two more places tomorrow evening. But the woman renting this space just called and we spoke for quite some time. When we met earlier this evening, we immediately hit it off. As she saw me approaching her townhouse, she wasn't sure it was me. She told me I had such a feminine presentation she did not think I could be the 'trans' person coming to look at her place. This was a nice compliment. In some ways, we are kindred spirits. She understands that I am skeptical of psychic powers, too.

The location is very good and will give me the freedom to travel, with relative ease, to just about any region of the Chicago metropolitan area.

Now that I have a place to stay lined up, I fully intend to take tomorrow evening off. Totally. I may go to a movie; I will absolutely do something fun.

Once I have moved, I will take the Metra commuter train to work. I have been driving because I need to check the mail at the moldy apartment and I have been looking for places to stay. I still don't mind the traffic. [the 'circle' I mentioned in another post is something I have been driving through every day. It is listed as the third most congested intersection in the nation, seeing 300,000 vehicles pass through on a daily basis. It doesn't look like a circle, except from the air - or the top of the Sears (now Willis) Tower. This had me confused for months, as I read expressway signs listing X minutes to the circle! It is the place where the Dan Ryan, Kennedy and Eisenhower Expressways come together. Some call it the Spaghetti Bowl. It is also outside the Loop, but essentially in, or within a few blocks of, downtown. Talk about run on sentences (paragraphs, too)! ]

I will miss driving to work. The circle does not intimidate me. Nor does rush hour traffic. It does not get on my nerves. Driving gives me quiet time with the music I love and I arrive at the office refreshed. Some find this difficult to comprehend. Taking Metra ("the most flights to Chicago every day," as one of their ads proclaims) instead of driving will save me a lot of money.

This is turning into an even more disorganized post than usual. And I need to get to bed, so no error checking this evening.

People at the office are becoming more friendly. The fact that I am feeling more comfortable in this job role is probably helping. I haven't a clue if my boss let them know I am transgender. I do not consider this a topic to discuss at work and I will not bring it up. Not ever.

At a meeting today, I questioned the way a major part of our work is being done. I was very diplomatic. Several people agreed with me and they are checking to see if they can change this to be more effective.

As long as I feel I am making some progress towards my goals, and I am physically well, and I am getting enough sleep and eating the right foods and getting in fun time (and manicures!)..... As long as life is going relatively smoothly, even in this continuing difficult time I am able to cope well and I am hopeful for the future. I am immensely grateful for the many kindnesses expressed by folks on this site.

[mrt (imported)]

I'm glad things are going better. Work being good can take a lot of stress off (I know!) It sounds like quite the adventure and dogs and cats! Thats great! We have one cat who is my main chum when everyone else is off to work, school etc.

[Danya (imported)]

I'm glad things are going better. Work being good can take a lot of stress off (I know!) It sounds like quite the adventure and dogs and cats! Thats great! We have one cat who is my main chum when everyone else is off to work, school etc.

Hi MrT,

It's good to hear from you.

I had an even better experience at the office today.

I had an ad on Craig's List to let people know I was looking for a space to rent. A suburban guy wrote that he had a room available and perhaps I'd like to discuss it over dinner. I wrote a short reply that I was not interested in dating.

Meanwhile, 'Sonny', the guy who works at a gas station in the northwestern suburbs, called. I did not return the call. Enough said on that one!

Yesterday, as I was walking through the office lobby with an opened Snapple bottle, a young security guard smiled at me and said 'hi.' This was just as I was about to pass through security on the way to the elevators. I was a bit startled and dropped the bottle. Most of the contents spilled on the polished granite floor, but the glass bottle did not break. I asked if I needed to call someone, but of course he was already on his walkie-talkie asking for assistance. He smiled again and said everything was fine. It's probably a coincidence that I get this kind of attention mostly when I am wearing a dress or a skirt with a nice blouse!

I will complete most of my move this weekend. But starting tonight, I'm going to fit fun back into my schedule on a very regular basis. That's how I managed to keep my spirits up while I looked for work, particularly once I moved here. Those who have known me very well, including my ex-wife of 20 years, would say that I am usually very adept at relaxing. I work very hard but realize the importance of escaping my normal routine and letting loose. Even if my ways of having fun, including playing the piano for several hours at a time, wouldn't do much for most people.

I need to be good to myself so I have the energy to perform my job effectively while I take time to look for permanent work. Being relaxed and well rested will also help me to keep my life in perspective. If only I could tell my boss early in the afternoon that I'm leaving for a walk in the park and will return in three hours, things would be perfect. Of course, I'd work late to put in my 8 hours.

For the next few weeks, I will do my job well and chill out the rest of the time. I need a break.

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

It is good that you are able to take time out, relax and enjoy life even when life is not going well. I have never been able to do that.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Mac,

What I have learned over many years of trial and error is that if I do not allow time for fun, even under very trying circumstances, nothing in my life seems to be working. This can affect my job performance, my attitude on finding a job and my faith in myself. It can leave me feeling there is little hope I wil have a better life.

Last night, I was down in the dumps. I could have gone to bed, which was very tempting, or vegged out in front of the TV. Even though I did not feel like it, I went out to Woodfield Mall. I did not buy anything but spent a lot of time walking. I felt only a little better when I left, but I always figure if I get out and be active my mind and emotions will 'get the idea' and follow along. I will start to feel better.

This is exactly what happened. By the time I returned to the hotel, I was very calm and had let go of worries. I slept very well and had a terrific day today.

When I am at my best, which certainly is not all the time but still much of it, I no longer worry. I had to accept months ago that worrying about when, or if, I would find a job was a waste of energy. Worrying about the awful state of the economy is depressing, so I seldom read economic news although I have a general idea of the way things are. Worrying does not help and changes nothing. Taking action is the way to put worries to rest, at least to a large extent, and get to where I need to be.

Today was, in fact, my best yet at the office. Over the last few days, I have reached the point of having a reasonably clear picture of what I need to do and how to get it done. This was not made very clear to me when I started. I have had to figure it out on my own, for the most part.

I have a much younger mentor, who just happens to be an incredibly handsome man with a charming manner and marvelous voice . In order to meet project deadlines, an absolute must in my line of work, I have started to take the attitude of take action now and, if necessary, ask for forgiveness later. My mentor agrees and so does my boss. As it is, a major project is in danger of falling behind schedule.

The fact remains that this job is providing me with excellent experience and it will look great on my resume.

After work, I went out again. I went to several stores looking at clothes and this time I enjoyed it. I still did not buy a thing.

While I was out, my soon to be new roommate called. Something I told her earlier today left her with the impression that I did not understand how difficult it is to find a job in this economy. This is far from true.

I am certain I will have more difficult days when nothing seems to be going my way. There will be times when I am depressed. At times, I may wonder how I can go on. These are all common emotions for people under a lot of stress. As long as I keep in mind what I need to do to recover my equilibrium, and take action, I will be fine.

Thanks for writing!

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

After work today, I took the 'L' a few stops down the line to the Madison Station on Dearborn. There was going to be a free concert in Millennium Park, about four blocks from the station. Attending the concert was to be part of my 'have more fun' routine.

The weather was awful today, with the temperature expected to be the highest in several years. The humidity, at least when I left the office, was not unbearable. Partly cloudy conditions prevailed. Initially, I planned to walk the entire distance from the office to the park. Sometimes my common sense prevails and my decision to take the 'L' was a good one.

Once I got off the 'L', I started to really feel the heat. So I stopped in at Filene's Basement and TJMaxx to look at clothes while cooling off. I still don't have a nice summer skirt so I was hoping to find one on sale. No such luck, or at least I was unable to find any I liked. Besides, the fall clothes are starting to come out. I didn't buy anything.

For some reason, three women who did not work at these stores said 'hi'. A similar thing happened when I was out window shopping last night.

I continued my journey to the park, stopping along the way to buy a lemonade. I needed to keep hydrated. When I crossed Michigan Avenue and entered the park, I headed for the Lurie Garden. I haven't seen it in awhile and wanted to see what was now in bloom. It was VERY hot. It was also only 5:50 PM and the concert did not start until 6:30.

As storm clouds gathered and the wind picked up, I decided I'd better catch the 'L' and head back to my car. Soon, heavy rain started to fall. It was raining so hard, and it continued for so long, that the concert must have been canceled.

If the weather is better next Wednesday, I'll head back to the park for another free concert. The Grant Park Orchestra, which I suspect has a large contingent of musicians from the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, will be playing a piece that was a favorite of mine in high school. It is Liszt's Piano Concerto #2. As a teen, I was very impressed by virtuoso piano works.

Liszt is considered one of the greatest pianists of all time. His many piano works reflect his mastery of this instrument. He was also quite a showman, sometimes tossing his green velvet gloves to adoring women in concert halls.

This concerto is more of a tone poem than anything else. It just happens to incorporate a brilliant piano part. It lacks the multi-movement form of classical concertos, which derive from the sonata form. My college music theory teacher predicted my interest in Liszt's music would lessen as I became more familiar with more structured and harmonically complex works. He was right, although I still get a kick out of listening to this piece.

The orchestra will also be performing Stravinsky's ballet music from "A Fairy's Kiss." I have never heard this work, but I almost always enjoy hearing unfamiliar music.

There are also free Wednesday evening jazz concerts at Shedd Aquarium through Sept. 1. I may try to make a few of these.

Tomorrow I will move many of my things to the new place. I truly hope I do not have to move again for a long time. Unless I have a permanent job and can settle into my own apartment.

'X' and I are still on good terms. Saturday evening, I hope to meet him for an inexpensive dinner and, perhaps, a movie. I would like to remain friends.

I discovered something very important while dating 'X' and in some more intimate moments

. For the first time in my life, I

felt totally at ease in what many would few as a typical dating experience. I was being my true self in an intimate relationship for the first time and it felt absolutely wonderful. This does not mean I think 'X' and I should resume things where we left off. But I am very thankful for what he showed me about myself.

When I was dating my future wife, many years ago, I never felt the way I did with 'X.' I suspected things might not be the way the should with my future fiancee, but I did not know any better. I wasn't 'one of the boys' so there was no one to clue me in on what to expect.

I loved my ex-wife, but it was never much more than a platonic relationship. Even though we had sex. Usually, I had to talk myself into wanting sex. Soon after we were married, I knew things weren't right but I really didn't know what was wrong. As a shrink once noted, though, on some level I did know what was wrong. I just couldn't face it. Instead, I thought if I only worked on the relationship, and sex, long enough all would be well. It never was. I always took our marriage vows very seriously, though, so I was very reluctant to even consider ending the relationship. We were married twenty years.

Earlier this evening, Sonny called again. This time I answered the phone. HE wants to date me. We had dinner once way back in March or early April. He's the guy who did not realize I am transgender that evening at dinner. I let him know the next day.

The thing with Sonny is he is not my type. I was turned off by his turning the conversation to sex near the end of dinner. If he had mentioned it and made a few comments, I might have been fine. Instead, he went into detail how much he enjoyed sex, particularly HOT sex and how often he enjoyed it. He repeated this many times on our first, and only, date.

When we spoke tonight, he learned I would be moving. He offered to let me stay at his one bedroom apartment instead, rent free no less! He assured me that until, and if, I became ready for sex he would not attempt physical intimacy. Yeah right, Sonny! No thanks.

Another thing with Sonny is that he is overly impressed by what he views as my impressive educational background. One of his reasons for offering to let me stay with him was that I am 'a very qualified individual.' Hardly the stuff of romance and not an enticing line from a potential roommate, either.

Meanwhile, my new roommate found a church organist/music director position so that I can submit my resume. It is at an Episcopal church. In upstate New York, I was organist and choir director at an Episcopal church and found that Episcopaleans are usually very welcoming. The position is for only one service and choir rehearsal a week. I love practicing and working with choirs, so this would not be just another job for me. I'm not sure if I can take this kind of job right now, since many of my electrolysis appointments are on Sunday morning. The pay is quite good for a job I would really love. All I'll say is, 2 - 2 1/2 years in this music position by itself would give me more than enough money for Gender Reassignment Surgery.

I'm planning on having fun this weekend. I will be moving in phases over several weeks, so I will not get too tired to get out and enjoy life.

[transward (imported)]

...

will be playing a piece that was a favorite of mine in high school. It is Liszt's Piano Concerto #2. As a teen, I was very impressed by virtuoso piano works.

Liszt is considered one of the greatest pianists of all time. His many piano works reflect his mastery of this instrument. He was also quite a showman, sometimes tossing his green velvet gloves to adoring women in concert halls.

This concerto is more of a tone poem than anything else. It just happens to incorporate a brilliant piano part.

Did you ever see the completely over the top movie Lisztomania by Ken Russell. Roger Daltrey (of the Who as Liszt) all star rock cast. Wish it was out on DVD.

Transward

[Danya (imported)]

Did you ever see the completely over the top movie Lisztomania by Ken Russell. Roger Daltrey (of the Who as Liszt) all star rock cast. Wish it was out on DVD.

Transward

Sounds like a terrific movie, but this is the first I've heard of it. I'll have see if it is available someplace.

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Taking time for fun has really paid off.

Last night, I met 'X' to go to a free concert at Millennium Park. It was a repeat of Friday evening's rained out performance of English composer Michael Tippet's "A Child of Our Time." Composed during World War II, this choral and orchestral work tells of the horrors of war. Throughout the work, there are interspersed spirituals and arrangements of Biblical texts. These tie the suffering of WWII participants and victims with those of other groups in different historical eras. They also provide messages of hope.

By the end of the performance, I was in tears. Over the last week, I was concerned that I felt unable to cry. Crying is almost always a very good thing for me. It was last night, because it released emotions I have been repressing.

I had to bite my lip to keep from sobbing out loud.

When the music ended, I felt entirely back to normal.

When I cry, it is usually because I am very happy. Usually, this happiness is tinged with sadness or even, on occasion, grief as I recall things that have happened in my life, loved ones I have lost, injustices I have seen and so on.

Not so happy emotions such as these only intensify my happy crying! I appreciate my happiness more. Because of difficult times I have experienced, I am more attuned to the immense beauty in life that, while resilient, is at the same time fragile and ephemeral.

Last night's music also reaffirmed my own hope that, although life at times can seem so very difficult, there is always hope. Things will get better and I will be fine. Everything will work out.

Being at the concert drove home to me the fact that I need to find a place to perform on the piano and pipe organ. Music is even more powerful for me when I am a participant.

After the concert, 'X' treated me to dinner. Before I let him do this, I said I should pay my own way as we are now seeing each other as friends. He insisted, noting that I had paid for parking.

Got to get back to moving. Then I've off to a 3 - 4 hour electrolysis session. Followed by a welcome dinner prepared by my new roommate. I have a very good feeling about this new living arrangement.