When I write things here such as "I am strong", whether I'm agreeing with someone's assessment of me or not, I am doing so mostly so that I keep believing it. I live alone, so I have no one to keep me on track, offer advice or provide reassurance. I have got to be my own cheerleader, although many friends are a big help.
Dieters are often told to tell others of their goals, so that friends will check on how they are doing and offer encouragement. This is exactly what I am doing when I state "I am strong" or "I am resilient." Or writing about things I do that might lead the reader to conclude these things about me. The day will probably come when I do not need to do this. It may not be too far off.
For now, though, and with all the changes I have experienced in the last 13 months it is still helpful for m
Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:30 pm
e to write about my experiences and
thoughts. Even when no one responds, I know some people are reading and that is enough.
Much of the rest of this post is a summary of certain things I have written over roughly the last 13 months. I may have never written about some of these events.
When I was given the news in June 2009 that I would be without a job in less than two months, I was in shock. I had always received well above average performance evaluations. For the previous 18 months or so, I had been putting in 60 - 70 hours many weeks to keep up with excessive demands. The way I was given the news was not at all pleasant. I am not free to go into all the details here.
What happened to me was, as I soon realized, unavoidable given certain unfortunate circumstances at my company that were beyond my control. Several friends and bosses, who had been at the company longer than my 9 years, agreed with me. I rarely think about this time because I need to focus on the future. A number of former colleagues who were let go under similar circumstances now feel we who got out are the lucky ones. I agree. I am still in touch with several friends still at this c
Danya (imported) wrote: Sat Jun 19, 2010 8:49 pm
ompany.
I definitely did not feel
at all strong when I learned I would lose my job. I left the building and started to cry. I called a dear friend from the Archive, whose screen name begins with 'J.' Tearfully, I told him I was afraid I would not be able to continue life as Danya. I was terrified I would not be able to find another job as my true self. I was horrified by the thought that I would need to detransition. The five grand I had spent on electrolysis had yeilded poor results. Although I was told I passed well, I was very concerned that with facial hair, nearly all gray, I would have difficulty. I am writing this so you understand that I most definitely am not strong all the time. Sometimes, I feel very weak and uncertain how I will cope.
'J', our Jesus, nearly always knows exactly what to say to me. I know he does the same thing for many other people here and elsewhere. He told me "You will always be Danya." That was all I needed to hear. It did not make the next few weeks and months easier, but I knew that someone believed in me at a very difficult time in my life.
Other friends on the Archive were very helpful at this time, too, including Tugon, Kristoff, MrT, Erica Ann and her spouse. The help and kind words these people offered made a huge difference, to an extent they may not realize. A number of other people here, whom I have never met, posted kind and helpful comments over the last 13 months for which I am very t
Danya (imported) wrote: Sun Apr 25, 2010 8:24 pm
hankful.
My first few months of unemployment m
ade up one of the most difficult times of my life. I did not feel strong during this time, although I was told I was both strong and resilient by several therapists and friends who know me well. [I deleted a few sentences here because they are too pesonal and intense.] I always questioned their conclusions on my strength. They assured me that they always spoke the truth. They reminded me of other very difficult periods of my life that I had gotten through with little or no outside help: chemotherapy and being assaulted. Even though I did not feel that I was being strong, or resilient, I believed them and it helped.
I kept notes around the house that I had written myself, to remind me that I am a very capable person and I could achieve my goals. I refused to listen to or read news about the economy, with rare exceptions. I knew, and know today, that dwelling on the poor economic situation will not help me. I need to remain positive.
By the end of 2009 and into early 2010, I had to make several difficult decisions to ensure that I had the money to survive until finding a job.
From late summer into mid-autumn of 2009, I attended a series of classes to broaden my background in business analysis, the field in which I am now working. Dislocated worker dollars paid for four of the six classes. I paid for the last two out of my savings.
In October of 2009, I reconnected with the first boss I had at my former employer. She had left the company under circumstances similar to mine sometime around late 2002. She became one of my strongest supporters, even though she was getting to know the new me, Danya, for the first time. We both chuckled over how we were now trying on clothing in adjacent fitting rooms. She is the close Minnesota woman friend I sometimes refer to here.
We spent hours each Saturday at the Mall of Death (i.e., America
). At the time, she was also unemployed. We were a two person mutual support society. I always felt relaxed after spending time with her, and ready to jump back into my job search. I speak with her at least twice each week now. She has a permanent job that started in late February.
Starting in October, 2009 and extending through most of February of this year, I facilitated a networking group. Its members were folks I met at the local Workforce Center. This got me out of the house every week and the group provided support and contructive criticism on improving resumes and keeping spirits high. I helped one woman, who had been laid off twice within the previous year from high-paying hospital jobs, improve her resume. Her outplacement consultant had been very critical of it and she was in tears. After we worked on her resume, her consultant told her she now had a fine document. I was very happy for her and pleased I had played a small part in helping.
I made friends with several employees at the Workforce Center. I still keep in touch with two. I became known among the Workforce staff for having a positive attitude and brightening their days. I'm still no
Danya (imported) wrote: Sun May 23, 2010 8:44 pm
t sure how that worked!
Sometime in Jan
uary of this year, or early February, I started to consider a move to increase my chances of landing a job. The difficult financial decisions I had made now left me free to go where I wished.
I have always loved Chicago and I knew it was one of the best areas of the country for trans people. Minnesota, particularly the Twin Cities, is also a good area. My own analysis of the two job markets convinced me that Chicago would be better for me, offering a wider range of opportunities. It would also give me access to more effective treatment as I continued on my transition journey.
I did not decide to move without speaking with a career coach, now a friend. She never charged me for her coaching services. I also spoke with several friends at church who were familiar with Chicago. Finally, I spoke with my close Minnesota woman friend and a few others including former colleagues and my Workforce Center counselor. Several wanted to be sure I was not making a rash decision and I was glad for their concern. In the end, and after I explained the lengthy research I had done to reach my decision, everyone agreed the move made sense.
Once I made the difficult decision to move, for I was leaving friends and most of my possessions behind, I started to feel very confident on a consistent basis for the first time in months. I knew I would find a job.
Things have worked out well to this point, and for that I am very thankful. Life is still less stable than I would prefer, as I do not have a permanent position with decent benefits. Nonetheless, I am excited to have come so far, in a difficult economy, in a little over a year after making some difficult life choices. I have written about the last 13 months in some detail to let readers know that this has not been an easy process for me. I have had times of great doubt and turmoil but I persevere, aided in part by friends near and far.
I am hopeful the future will be brighter still. I have to make it happen. If the job I am at does not become permanent, I will evaluate the situation and decide if a move back to Minnesota, or someplace else, is in my best interest. The same people who agreed with me that the move to Chicago was a good thing, continue to think I will succeed here. I still feel a need to reevaluate things a few months down the road.
Some days I want to rent a room with a private bath to keep expenses as low as possible. Other days I think I cannot stand not to have my own place, even if this is a more expensive way to go. If I am cautious, renting my own place need not be much more expensive than renting a furnished room. There are places that will agree to a 6-month lease.