Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

I'd love to see you in your new clothes, Danya.. You sound like you're having a good time...Be well dragonfly

I am not likely to post more photos of myself here. Butterflyjack. You never know, though.

I am having a very good time. Best wishes to you.

Danya

Danya,

I am glad to hear that the job is going well for y

ou and wish you luck in getting the permanent position there.

Things are going very well, Mac

. Thanks for the good wishes.

Hugs,

Danya

After partially moving into the new place, located along the northwest edge of the city, Thursday evening I drove to work on Friday. I took only twenty minutes to get downtown and park. Traffic just happened to be flowing smoothly. Normally, I will take public transportation.

I spent the entire weekend moving the rest of my things. Still very short on furniture, but that's OK. I want to continue to keep my life as simple as possible.

I may not post much for awhile. My life is settling into what I hope will become a more normal routine. I do not know when I will have anything interesting to post.

[Danya (imported)]

I am still being contacted for phone interviews fo

r permanent jobs I applied for

weeks ago. A corporate recruiter wrote to me at 10:30 tonight to set up a phone interview. I can work this out to speak privately from my current, contract job. This opportunity is downtown.

Once I am more settled, and unpacked, in my new apartment I will start applying for more permanent positions. It's easier to find another job when you are already employed.

It is only 11.2 miles from the new place to parking downtown, one block from the office. If only parking were less expensive. :-\

In any event, I will switch to commuting by public transit soon. It will save money and it is a matter of principle. Far too many people, including me for now, commute alone in the cars.

[Danya (imported)]

At times, I wish I had a wise parent who would still offer this older person good advice on life and love. Both of my parents are long gone. My childhood was difficult in many ways. I was never a child at all, but I am sure this is true for many here. Despite my emotional abandonment by both parents, my father came through at times with surprisingly sound advice. Toward the end of his life, he finally understood that I could not ever be like a 'typical' male child and he told me he hoped I would never change. What he meant was that he wished that I would always be true to myself. I have written here before that I believe my parents, most particularly my father, would have accepted me as a trans woman. Given some time to adjust. Perhaps dealing with, and letting go of, feelings of anger and loss.

I feel a bit adrift now and wish my father were still around. Even at the age of 58, I miss biological family. Or at least a feeling of connection that grounds me. I am very independent. With that comes a lot of freedom.

There is also the possibility that I will

make mistakes that I might not with someone around to talk sense to me.

Things with 'X' have been up and down this week. [He reads this thread from time to time, too ] He is a sweetheart and a romantic. We are very different in our outlooks on some things I have always considered of fundamental importance. Nonetheless, I am aware that my view of what is truly important may be too restrictive. This is when I miss the counsel of someone who has known me my whole life.

None of this may make much sense. I am tired from a long week at work. I am glad to be working, but I am still stressed out because this is not a permanent job. My life is still more unsettled than I like. But life is beautiful and I am fortunate in many ways.

This morning, I had a phone interview for a perma

nent job downtown. I'll know in a week or

two whether I will have an in person interview. If I do, this employer's office is just four blocks away from my current office.

'X' and I heard Chopin's Piano Concerto Number 1 Wednesday evening at Millennium Park downtown. Both orchestra and pianist were superb. This open air venue has won awards for its superb sound system design. The sound quality is really like that of a concert hall.

Thursday evening, we went to the Chicago Botanic Garden. Toward the end of the evening, we grabbed seats to hear a live trio perform Spanish music. They were very good and it was fun to watch families dance as they enjoyed the pleasant temperature and lively tunes.

This evening (Friday), we went to a 'chick flick' that brought tears to two sets of eyes.

[Danya (imported)]

Things are going very well at my new job. I have been told several times that they are very pleased. The work is challenging, to say the least. I always enjoy a challenge and will manage this one.

'X' and I are no longer dating. I had a very good time while this relationship lasted. He is still helping me out in a few ways.

I got a message today from the Victim's Services Unit of the county court system where the drunk driver ran into and totaled my car in late March. The case has not been plea bargained out and will go to trial in August. I know I will be supoenaed to testify. I will return the call Monday to get the details. Unfortunately, I will need to take unpaid time from work for this but it will be worth it.

I moved into the new apartment on June 24 but will need to find another place ASAP. I was in a rush to find a place and foolishly thought anything being rented would have to meet municipal codes for structural integrity and so on. Certainly this is not always the case in Chicago. I am renting the converted attic/top floor of a house near the northwestern edge of the city. Some things with the place make it unhealthy for me, especially in regards to allergies and asthma. I have spoken with the landlord and suggested repairs to remedy things. He says he cannot afford them. He is willing to let me break the lease to move. I will modify both his and my copies of the lease to reflect the change from an agreed on period to month-to-month. We will both initial any changes. Both of us will sign and both date a statement at the end noting that the lease has been amended to change it from a set period to month-to-month. A good friend in Minnesota used to be a realtor. She gave me this plan. It sounds good to me!

If anyone has any other suggestions, please feel free to offer them.

I will try to write more over the weekend. For now, I want to get out of this mold-ridden environment at home.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hi Danya..You're one tough girl...I love the way, even when the chips aren't falling your way, you manage to be grateful for your overall condition.Wonderful outlook...Sorry (maybe?) for your breakup with X. You mentioned their were deep rooted differences in your basic thoughts...Perhaps it's for the best...He seems to be a decent fellow...Be well smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya..You're one tough girl...I love the way, even when the chips aren't falling your way, you manage to be grateful for your overall condition.Wonderful outlook

Hi Butterflyjack,

I do not feel particularly tough right now, but thanks for the compliment. When I looked back at my last post, I was surprised at how many errors I had made in such a short space. This comes from being out of it from my allergies. I still don't feel that I am writing well. Oh well, it doesn't matter. I trust readers will forgive me.

...Sorry (maybe?) for your breakup with X. You mentioned their were deep rooted differences in your basic thoughts...Perhaps it's for the best...He seems to be a decent fellow...Be well smooches dragonfly

The whole experience with 'X' has been an eye opener. I have some very good memories. I never once dated as a teen. Dating 'X' opened my eyes to some possibilities I thought I had no desire to pursue. Like finding an emotionally and physically satisfying intimate relationship with another person.

Thanks for writing.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I went out to dinner this evening (Friday), finding a relatively inexpensive joint. When I arrived at the restaurant, I found myself envying the folks enjoying their food outside. The temperatures in Chicagoland were not unpleasant today and the humidity was tolerable.

Nonetheless, I continued to suffer from allergies. When things are this bad, it is hard for me to focus. It takes more energy and this makes me feel tired. My eyes are so bothered that it is more difficult for me to read. A good rationale for explaining the many spelling errors, corrected now (I hope!), in my first post of this evening.

It may not be until the first cool days of September that I start to get back to normal. That's at least two months away.

When I returned home, I decided to go back to the high prednisone dose prescribed by the hospital emergency clinic attending physician Tuesday evening. My personal physician (and hormone doctor) wanted to reduce this, but he told me if things were not better he would increase the dose. He was rightly concerned about prescribing prednisone.

Forty-five minutes have passed since I took this miracle drug. It really does work wonders on reducing symptoms from severe inflammation. Already, I am starting to feel back to normal. It seems like a fog is clearing and I can experience life just like everyone else! Rather than staying inside all summer, in a well air-conditioned space, I can spend time outside while the weather is warm. This is what I want, but cannot always have.

Forget those balmy breezes off of Lake Michigan. With prednisone, I need not be concerned that the fog will descend again. I breathe easily, my energy returns and all is well.

The down side is I cannot stay on this very high dose of prednisone for many days. The side effects are too severe. Among the more benign are insomnia, mania and...depression. The drug also intensifies essential tremor. This is a seizure (whatever happened to 'i' before 'e' except after 'c'?) disorder that is inherited. Normally, it is a minor nuisance and although a few people notice I do not mind. On prednisone, I cannot legibly sign my name or read what I write. It's all worth it, sort of, for the release from multiple allergy symptoms.

I had gone since last August without an attack this severe. This one is actually worse than any others. I have more symptoms. I naively thought that, having somehow skipped over my usual late winter-early spring attack for the first time, I was now immune. Hardly.

Next week, I will try to find a doctor here who may have a better, long-term answer for me. I'll start by checking with my HRT doctor, an internist. He's the one I drove downtown to see late on a sick day Wednesday. When it was at least 94 F outside with stifling humidity.

If possible, I need to get my allergies under much better control. Moving to a new apartment will help, but it is not a complete answer. [A move to the moderate coast of the Pacific Northwest might be, though, or coastal northern California.] The only thing I am allergic to, if you discount my mild allergy to pigweed (of all things!), is....all types of mold. I am extremely allergic to all mold. This area's hot, humid summer days provide perfect conditions for mold to proliferate and cast its myriad spores into the air. Only to reach my nose and lungs.

I do not know if the situation has changed at all for the better, but at least until a few years ago there was no such thing as an effective allergy shot for mold sensitivity. I am concerned, though, that I am at a new job where I need to perform well and to feel my very best. Because most days now, I do not feel at my best. I also need to smile and chat a bit when coworkers come to me for information. I want to respond this way, and was known for this at my last job (even more so my gender transitioned self), but fear that with low energy and laryngitis I may not always seem enthusiastic. I need to speak up at meetings. This is problematic for now, but I will do it.

Time for action. It may not do any good but I cannot assume there is not a better solution until I do some searching. Perhaps there is hope to be found in the treatments of the non-Western variety.

Despite the many hot, humid days when I do not feel at my best I still put in a good day's work. I am glad to be downtown at a fine job, which may yet become permanent.

Downtown...the Circle, best left for another post.

Tomorrow I will look for an apartment or a room in the near city suburbs. I may yet stay within the city limits. City, suburbs - both have attractions. At this point, I would take a quiet bungalow in farm country. Time will tell where I wind up.

Now that it is very late, I am too tired to check for errors.

[Danya (imported)]

I met Erica Ann for lunch today. It was great to see her, as usual. She offered some helpful advice on finding a new place in the city. I showed her apartments ads from a local area paper. 'X' came over while I was gone Friday and left this, circling the ads he knew were similar to what I want and in good neighborhoods. I very much appreciated this.

My current apartment is making me ill. I could smell the mold when I returned from lunch and my lips tingle here. At the emergency room earlier in the week, with its well controlled environment, my symptoms totally disappeared after several hours. This was before I received any treatment. I am hopeful that once I move, my condition will significantly improve.

Although I hope to find a decent studio or 1 bedroom apartment, I will also search for a furnished room with a private bath. A problem with an apartment is I now have no furniture. With the exceptions of a small computer desk, a microwave oven, a floor lamp and a few smaller items that now include two pillows and a floor fan. Almost forgot my computer and laptop! My computers may be the most important things I own. Not only do they enable me to look for work, they allow me to keep in touch with many friends. Months ago, I accepted this situation as necessary to enable me to get where I need to be. I simply need to work within my limits and all will be well.

Until I find a place, I will take up residence at a reasonably priced hotel. I do not like to spend the money for this, but I have no choice. I absolutely must be in better condition in the coming week. At the office Tuesday, I will be leading part of a multi-state conference call. I need to do a very good job.

[Danya (imported)]

I am now staying at a Extended Stay hotel near O'Hare. Within an hour or two after arriving, I started to feel much better. Nearly all of my symptoms were gone by morning.

On the way home from the office, I

needed to stop at the apartment for a few things. By the time I gathered what I needed, I was having bad allergy symptoms. Because of this, when I move to a new place I may pay some young men to move my things from the apartment to my car. When I am moving heavy items, I more deeply breathe in mold.

Over the weekend, I had a nightmare. I rarely have these. This one was, on the surface, about the immense size of the Chicago metro region and the city, too. It seemed, in the dream, more than I could handle. I am never bothered navigating my way around this place and don't usually mind the traffic.

I think my dream was about several things in my life associated with Chicago, not about the area itself:

1. The end of my relationship with Wayne. This had to be, but I got tremendous enjoyment out of much of the time we spent together. He will always remain my first boyfriend. That in itself is exciting. Adjusting to his absence, however, will take a few days more.

2. Spending unnecessarily on one apartment only to find I need to locate another place to live.

3. Dealing with my extreme allergic reaction to mold.

4. Still adjusting to a new job that is challenging.

5. Feeling, for a short while only, that I left so much behind in Minnesota to come here. For a few minutes, I was feeling homeless. Of course,I do not truly know what that is like.

In my dream, I certainly felt overwhelmed. But I do not find this place overwhelming. Some of what has been going on in my life lately has pushed my coping mechanisms. I am coping well again.

Was the move worth it? Yes, it was. I am in a city I love. I enjoy many areas outside Chicago and Cook County, too. Chicagoland has a tremendous amount to offer.

I am getting far better electrolysis results and HRT here.

As I had hoped and predicted, I found a job in Chicago relatively quickly. Only about three months passed since I began looking and was offered the job.

My close woman friend in Minnesota, in the related field of project management, still concludes that I made the right choice in leaving the Twin Cities. So does my Minnesota career coach. I speak to both regularly and I agree with them.

Now, I have few of the life possessions I once enjoyed. Most are inconsequential. But I miss a comfortable chair to sit in and read. I also miss a comfortable bed. I do not miss TV. If I had extended cable with things like the Discovery channel, I would enjoy a few shows. I have few possessions beyond my clothes, shoes, jewelry, a microwave and some similar items. I still believe I have taken the best path to get to where I want to be in my life.

What I have discovered since moving to the Chicago area is that I really do not need that many things. Don't get me wrong. When I have more money I will get more of the comforts of home. But I don't know that I will ever acquire as much as I once had. I am fine with that. I need to work hard to save money for retirement and things like GRS. Someday, before more than a few years have passed, I hope to have the resources to travel again.

Last night, for the first time in a few weeks, I slept on a very comfortable bed here at the hotel. I was in heaven! Before bed, I enjoyed a nice, long soak in a tub of hot water.

I will find another place to stay soon. I am leaning towards a room with private bath on a month to month rental basis. Northwest Chicago, where I now reside and am looking to remain, is safe and centrally located. It would still be a bit difficult to get from here to a certain health care company up near northern Lake County. This lab has lots of contract jobs posted on a regular basis. I'll check out this northwest city area more with Erica Ann. She is more familiar with distances between my location and the rest of Chicagoland. I will look into apartments with 6-month leases as a fall-back plan.

I felt almost back to normal today. My time at the office went very well and I was pleased with my work. I felt alert and my concentration was, once again, excellent. A coworker complimented me on the great job I am doing. It is always good to hear these types of things on a contract job. The challenge I feel at my assignment is a very good thing. It is stretching my comfort zone while giving me knowledge of new tools of the Business Analyst. I enjoy this. These things will be very useful if I look for another job.

I do not know if I have mentioned this before. There are a significant number of women at the office, and to be seen downtown, wearing dresses or skirts and tops. My Minnesota friend claims fewer women dress this way in the Twin Cities (next to none in her upscale office) and that Chicago women have 'more style.' Whether or not her assessment is correct, I will wear a dress to the office tomorrow. I cannot wait!

[John (imported)]

Hi My Friend!

Reading the beginning made me really worried but then coming to the part in the end with your feelings at the office I think I will try to wind down again.

As always I cross my fingers and include you in my prayers.

Greetings

John