The last few days have been full of emotional drama.
Part of this is the result of taking estrogen, which I started in early June of last year. My blood levels were not within the normal range, although at the low end, until about a year ago. So, I'm still very much in the throes of my second puberty. This sometimes compounds my natural emotional reaction to being unemployed. The end result is I can freak out just thinking about the reality of not having a job in this economy. That may be an understatement. Still, I have many good days when I am calm.
Thanksgiving Day turned out to be a lot of fun. Normally, I spend it alone. This year, a friend asked if I wanted to accompany her to the home of some folks who were putting on Thanksgiving dinner for people with no family in the area. I countered this suggestion with an offer that she spend the day at my place. In the end, I thought it would be better for me to get out of the house. The only thing that caused me concern was that these people, and the rest of the expected guests, belong to a Christian denomination that I suspected might not accept me. At least not easily. I did not want to feel uncomfortable.
There was no problem, because none of the roughly 25 children, teens and adults ever suspected I was anything other than the woman I am.
Everyone treated me kindly and I felt not only welcomed but right at home.
After dinner, we watched the DVD of the latest Star Trek movie. I had seen this in the theater when it was released and was more than happy to see it again. Both the young Kirk and Spock are quite handsome and I could fantasize about either kissing me passionately.
Friday was a very different kind of experience. I did freak out over not having a job. What I should have done was exercised and then gotten out of the house for a bit. Calling a friend would also have helped. Instead, my emotional state deteriorated further as the day went on. By 9:30 PM, I wrote a long cry for help email to a friend. As usual, writing was therapeutic and I was able to sleep well.
Today, I spent much of my time out with a friend at a local mall (not the super-sized one). I felt back to normal, totally relaxed and confident. We looked at clothing together, which I always enjoy even when I buy nothing as was the case today. Wait a second...I did buy two deeply discounted camisoles - $4.99 each - at Sears.
Like Erica Ann, this friend is very knowledgeable in the finer points of the female wardrobe. I know what I look good in when I see it, but until today I had no clue how important cammies are to giving a smooth, properly contoured look with blouses. Trying one on immediately convinced me, not that I was willing to pay anything more on my very limited budget.
I recently spoke with Erica Ann about the finer points of choosing the right bra. Today, my local friend furthered my education in this area. Although I enjoy looking at clothing, what I usually have in mind is dresses, skirts, blouses and shoes. I have never enjoyed hunting for a bra, but somehow my friend made this fun today. She had me try on one for "a type of body that never existed." This is some type of newer bra, I don't know how long it's been around, but it didn't exist when my friend was growing up!
Anyway, it is constructed to "give a floating appearance." I thought it was terrific but had no intention of buying it.
So, I told me friend I liked the bra but would not get it. She said she would pay for it. I responded, "No, you won't." You see, she is also unemployed, but still insisted on getting it for me, stating that she was "less unemployed" than me. Actually, we went back and forth several times with "No, you won't"/"Yes, I will"!
I was starting to wonder if this was the way girls get into fights in high school.
Although I have no job for now, what I am finding very heartening is that I am renewing friendships with people I hadn't seen in years and forming new ones. The friend with me at Sears and on Thanksgiving Day is an example of the former.
Then there are a number of new people in my life who also fully accept me as Danya. This includes a woman at the local Workforce center who knows all about me, because I chose to share my history. We had spoken for 3 hours over coffee and she was very interested in my work experiences as a trans woman. Now we exchange emails and she addresses me as "My dear" or "Dear one." She is much younger and has just started a family.
She is just one example of the new friends in my life. So, while being unemployed is not something I would wish for anyone, there are some good things that are coming out of it. Friendships are just one part of this. Perhaps I will discuss other aspects another time.
although at my age I think a bikini is out. It's nice to think about, anyway. 