Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[kristoff]

The same as I told you this AM in our phone conversation, Congratulations on achieving one year of transition to the real you! (Mom's doing OK, just needed company.... Sorry I couldn't make the party!). See you soon!

[Danya (imported)]

One year ago today, I stepped into my office building as Danya. That was an incredible day and I didn't think my life could possibly get better.

Amazingly, it has continued to improve and I don't see an end to that.

I had a terrific day and fun evening with a number of coworkers coming over for food and good conversation.

All but one person knew me 'before', as the person I used to be. They made a number of interesting observations. Some who know me here will undoubtedly agree with some of these. They may even feel some sympathy for my coworkers.

1. I'm much more talkative now. I am certain some think they cannot get me to stop.

2. One woman mentioned she couldn't believe how feminine I looked on my first day at the office as me and she had been slightly jealous. I found this a little difficult to believe. I'm simply reporting here. She also noted that I have a seemingly instinctive sense of style.

3. This same woman brought her black, French boyfriend whom I had never met. We had a fascinating conversation and he posed a question no one else (other than here) has asked me: Having experienced life as both male and female, what was different? Everyone was interested in this and I (seemingly forever talking these days) had no problem answering. He was very perceptive and related my experience to some of his own. He was speaking about the way many people make judgements about others without ever trying to learn about them. To speak with them and be willing to let go of preconceptions; to be willing to learn.

4. Another young woman could not remember what I looked like as my old self. I was delighted to hear this.

5. Every person who has known me commented on how clear it is that I am happy and confident. They also noted that it is far easier for them to know me now than 'before.'

6. Another person mentioned how courageous I am. For the most part, I've felt that transitioning was more something I had to do and not particularly courageous. I responded that this was more letting go of fear than courage. No matter how I tried to rephrase courage into something else, several guests would somehow perversely find a way to reinterpret this as courage. Again, I'm only reporting. I still don't feel particularly courageous.

7. A different coworker thanked me for my leadership. I'm not exactly sure what she meant, although I have a few clues.

There were many other things we discussed that had nothing to do with me. I found this refreshing! The entire evening was filled with good conversation and friendship.

During the day, there were some very good things at the office. Including the leader who had called me into his office last Friday serving me lunch.

Finally, I had some wonderful phone conversations with good friends from the Archive. I feel reasonably confident one of these people could not believe how short our conversation was.

[Danya (imported)]

The same as I told you this AM in our phone conversation, Congratulations on achieving one year of transition to the real you! (Mom's doing OK, just needed company.... Sorry I couldn't make the party!). See you soon!

Kristoff, my friend,

I was delighted when you called. It was so good to catch up on what's going on in your life. I'm glad to hear your Mom is doing fine.

I look forward to seeing you before much longer.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

That’

s really great news I am happy for you

I just knew you had the inner strength to move fore ward

And over come this small problem

Great work

Hi Kennath7,

I'm very glad you wrote today. As I wrote above, I had a one-year anniversary party tonight for coworkers. Now I feel you're a special part of the day, too.

Thanks for your very kind note.

Hugs,

Danya

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Congratulations! It hardly seems that a year could have passed. --FLO--

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Danya,

Congratulations again on such an important anniversary. I'm so proud of you my sister! You are such a beautiful, caring woman and have accomplished so much through your own strong will and determination.

There is nothing better in this world than truly being yourself.

I'm so sorry about not calling you last night. I had to run out and do an emergency computer repair for a client, but I will try to call you tonight.

Once again, happy 1st anniversary!

[Danya (imported)]

Congratulations! It hardly seems that a year could have passed. --FLO--

Hi FLO,

You are such a dear. Thanks for the congrats. It hardly seems like a year to me, too.

I can't wait to see you at this year's MoM.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya,

Congratulations again on such an important anniversary. I'm so proud of you my sister! You are such a beautiful, caring woman and have accomplished so much through your own strong will and determination.

There is nothing better in this world than truly being yourself.

I'm so sorry about not calling you last night. I had to run out and do an emergency computer repair for a client, but I will try to call you tonight.

Once again, happy 1st anniversary!

Hi Erica Ann,

It's always good to hear from you,

whether by a post here or the phone. I appreciate you very kind thoughts and good wishes, as always.

I had more fun than I thought possible last night. At least for entertaining at home. This was my first solo dinner party since transitioning. I've had a few others, but there was always a close friend helping. I totally got into planning it, paying close attention to my guests' needs and enjoying their company.

This evening, I'm feeling a bit of a letdown because there are no laughing friends about my home. I realize even more how important people have become to me. Good friends help reduce stress.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I am surprised by the increased intensity of my emotions even over the last month. In a way, this is a little frightening although generally I am excited by this continuing change.

Perhaps I am even more like a teenage girl now, emotionally and psychologically. Certainly, I will never know exactly what that feels like but I think I have a fairly good idea.

Like a developing female teen, I would imagine, I am concerned at times what others will think of me. I am more open than ever and I freely tell friends exactly how I feel about them in what I believe is a very feminine way. I'm afraid of being rejected. So far, that hasn't happened, although people react slightly differently.

I also talk more. Last night, I spoke with my dinner party guests about some of this. I was a little concerned I was talking too much. My former boss, and now good friend, was there and had already told everyone how much more talkative and social I am now. I didn't mind his sharing this. Anyway, it's likely most of the other guests already knew this.

Not a single person thought I was talking too much, and these seemed to be honest reactions. They said I was simply being myself and it was good.

At the end of the evening, I hugged a number of the departing guests. I asked my recently former boss, as of several weeks ago, if he would mind if I hugged him. He was the last to leave. The fact is, we have always been friends but our friendship had been muted by his management position. He has always been extremely supportive of my transition. He said he didn't mind a hug at all. He is married, but he understood I meant this as nothing more than a woman hugging a male friend.

Then there was the fantasy I had within the last week or two. I was watching "The Lord of the Rings". I think Frodo is adorable. He's cute, has an air of innocence and though he is an adult, his Hobbit body makes it easy to picture him as child-like.

Suddenly, the fantasy just happened. I imagined I was pregnant. I was not watching the film and going through possible fantasies in my mind, finally deciding I wanted to imagine what being pregnant would be like. This really happened, as far I can can tell, spontaneously. I enjoyed the fantasy and it felt so right for me.

Of course, at the age of 57 I am too old to bear a child. Come to think of it, though, there have been women in their 60s who have given birth.

Beyond the age issue is the simple fact that pregnancy is a biological impossibility for me. It always will be no matter how many gender altering surgeries I have. I am fine with this and that's fortunate for me.

[Danya (imported)]

When I visited Erica Ann in Chicago earlier this year, her wonderful spouse suggested that, while I already looked fine, longer hair would work better. As with Erica Ann, I trust her advice.

Eventually I will grow my own hair long and go with that. For now, it is less expensive to use a wig. No styling or coloring is needed.

Two weeks ago, I visited the shop of a local trans woman. She suggested I try a wig with 'hair' (it's synthetic) that went well below my shoulders. For the first time, I wondered if I were becoming the 'trollop' a 'friend' had feared I would look like once I started transitioning. :-\

The hair was so long. The shop owner cut it some, but thought it best to leave it still slightly below shoulder length. It's also got a 'natural' wave to its reddish-brown strands.

Turns out I love it. Everyone else, except my gender therapist , has reacted very favorably. The first time people at work see it they say things like 'cool hair', 'wow' and 'you look so much younger now.' Several female coworkers thought I should have kept the extra length I had chopped off.

Of course, I love to hear this. My gender therapist liked the 'sassy' look of the wig I have worn the last year. She's OK with this one I think it is simply sassy, in a new way.

I particularly like the way I can now toss my head and have 'my' hair fling about. There's something particularly gratifying about this movement and its effect.