Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

..

. And lets face it puberty IS a tough time. I had a little bit of that when I went on HRT but it was probably easier because I had done it once before and it was Testosterone not Estrogen. The "familiar" vs the unfamiliar.

Anyway, at least your not crying at On Star Commercials....

Keep your eyes on the Brass ring. Be it GRS or work stuff. I "think" that makes everything more doable.

God Bless!

Your Chum - MrT

MrT, my friend,

I appreciate your humor and good thoughts. I admit I wasn't fully prepared for the intensity of my emotions with my much desired female puberty. Not of the depth I experienced a few weeks ago.

Going forward, as 'they' like to say at the office (what choice is there, can we go backward in time?? - please explain that to me! ) and taking my life offline (another work thing - let's discuss this 'offline' - I do not like anyone presuming that I am so intimately connected with them, while 'online' at a meeting. that we share information as freely as networked computers!)...Back to the subject. Going forward, and offline too, I expect to be better prepared for the next emotional onslaught. I hope! If not, there are friends who understand and help me through it, including people here like you.

Who told you that I do not cry at On Star commercials? They may be misinformed.

Yes, I need to keep my eyes on the brass ring. I can do that, with effort. I tend to get side-tracked by different interests I want to pursue.

Today turned out to be very good, which surprised me. Not because I haven't had many good days. Rather, I awoke in a very bad mood after a night of strange dreams.

I think I have mentioned before that I dream a lot more now that I am on estrogen. My dreams may be conversations with people I know but have not seen in some time (like you, for example). Other dreams seem to be entire emails I, well, dream up. They are fairly detailed and, like the conversations, are from people I have not seen in awhile. Last night, I almost got out of bed to turn on my computer so I could read one such non-existent note. Then there are other types of dreams, but I'll save those for another time.

Hugs,

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

Ha! I meant ME! I was the one tearing up when the Onstar lady saved her family (Or whatever it was) Low Testosterone and Mr T = Mr Tina (Sob sister to the stars)....

As to dreams we MUST talk more... Growing up I had so few dreams (That I could remember) that any new one was a call to inform my friends. Rare! My Dr figured out I was missing REM sleep and got me on a transdermal that fixed that. Now I wake up wondering why I'm not tired because I'm running around all night in my dreams doing stuff. I've also had a lot of dreams where I'm reading... I know... WEIRD! Sadly the books don't exist and rarely make any sense.

[Danya (imported)]

I think thats a great idea and I "believe" it sets the price for the procedure so you don't pay 2011 prices if you make a downpayment. You would get 2009 prices. Setting things into motion even if its just a small step I think insures it happens. Every step in the right direction.

I agree Erica's idea is a very good one. I checked Marci Bower's web site, and the deposit is now $500. I think Erica said it was $250 when she paid.

Marci recently announced on her web site that the hospital she uses is raising its fee by $4,000. As a result, she is lowering her own fee a bit to make this easier on patients.

After looking over my finances, I decided I cannot afford $500 until May 1. Before then, to satisfy myself, I will investigate other surgeons. From what I have seen over the last several months, though, I doubt there is anyone I would prefer more than Marci Bowers.

I am working very hard at thinking about the best way to bring in more money. There are a number of things I can do, but I need to focus. In the next several weeks, I will probably start a web site to advertise my services to potential clients. I'm talking about legitimate services, here. I will likely also register a 'doing business as' name. I may go back to the model I used when I had my own business.

Yesterday, I found out something that made me angry at first. This was a good reaction. I am fine now, but I feel even more determined. Part of this is putting my anger to positive use to achieve my goals.

Another goal is getting out of debt. I owe a large amount of money, mostly on credit cards. This is left over from my unhappy days as that other person whom I will not mention. I am making very good progress in reducing my debt but it will take me at least 2 1/2 years to be debt-free.

I read today that the credit card companies a doing a dance of sorts. They want to reduce their risk while not alienating certain customers. I concluded several months ago that the old rules of paying off debt may no longer apply. If I pay no more than the minimum amount on lower interest cards to pay off the highest interest card first, the others may decide I am not paying off enough on theirs. They may then increase my interest rate or lower my credit limit (bad for my credit score.) This is just one example.

So I have been doing my own dance with my creditors, since early October, without knowing all the rules. So far, it has mostly worked.

My life is too complicated right now. At the same time, somehow I continue to thrive. I have a few down times, but I am still amazed at how well I am doing.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Ha! I meant ME! I was the one tearing up when the Onstar lady saved her family (Or whatever it was) Low Testosterone and Mr T = Mr Tina (Sob sister to the stars)....

I have never seen this commercial, but then I seldom turn on the TV, MrT. Now, if I had a nice male friend who wanted to watch the TV I would glady do that as long as we could also snuggle, kiss, hug.....

As to dreams we MUST talk more... Growing up I had so few dreams (That I could remember) that any new one was a call to inform my friends. Rare! My Dr figured out I was missing REM sleep and got me on a transdermal that fixed that. Now I wake up wondering why I'm not tired because I'm running around all night in my dreams doing stuff. I've also had a lot of dreams where I'm reading... I know... WEIRD! Sadly the books don't exist and rarely make any sense.

I will note that the emails in my dreams do make sense, but they are not nearly book length, either.

We have not spoken in awhile. This weekend won't work for that as I am on-call. I cannot have a long conversation knowing that someone from the office may be trying to reach me. If we could keep it to 20 minutes or so, though, I could still speak with you.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I was having a very difficult time of it the last half of the weekend. Erica Ann came to the rescue recently for my emotional overload troubles and really helped. I will call her soon.

My problem was of a different sort this weekend, at least initially. Communicating with my friend Tugon, and then simply hearing MrT's voice on a message, helped lift my spirits.

By this evening, I realized for a teenager (emotionally and psychologically, not chronologically), living alone can be a frightening experience. Sometimes, I need help from folks who are not only adults but adults in their emotional responses. Fortunately, the help of a number of friends (Erica Ann, Tugon, Jesus and others who have helped along the way like Kristoff and supportive posters) is enough of a shove to get my 57 year old brain back in the driver's seat. At least for a time.

Kristoff and MrT were there with me in the weeks before I transitioned, calming my anxiety about giving up the stable, if unfulfilling and unhappy, existence I had know for decades for the uncertainty of being Danya.

Earlier today, I followed some of the advice I have given others when they are feeling down. I got all dressed up, first of all, and that alone was a huge help in relieving my anxiety. I always feel calm when I look like, well, me.

Then I got out of the house and did a few things to interact with people. I spent some money to do this, although I did not charge anything on a credit card. My first stop was brunch. These days, I rarely go out to eat, it's just not something I can afford to do on a regular basis. So brunch was a special treat. I was nearly finished eating when I realized I didn't have my wallet with me! Fortunately, I had a check which they accepted. We emotional teenagers, this one anyway, can be quite irresponsible when it comes to being sure we have everything we need when we go out.

I need to make an effort to get out more on the weekends as this is the time when I usually run into emotional upheavals. I'm talking about major insecurities, at times, like "Does anyone like me?". I remember my niece asking the same type of question when she went through puberty. She had lots of other emotional hang-ups amazingly similar to what I am now experiencing!

So I need to work things better for weekends. I need to be around adults my own age, at least of a similar chronological age. I don't need to tell them that I'm, at times, the emotional equivalent of a teenager. When I am with people, I am invariably OK with myself and where I am going.

When I am at the office I am fine, content and happy. I am also assertive and very confident in who I am. On the weekends, when I am alone, there are times when I feel like someone simply must tell me that I am OK, the boys don't all dislike me, I'll grow up to be quite a nice woman, I really am a capable person, my boobs will fill out, I'll make some lucky man a wonderful wife and I'll have wonderful children of my own who will bug me, in their teens, just as much as I am bugging certain people now.

I don't seriously expect to find a man, but you never know. I can state with certainty that I will never have children, wonderful or not. I am blessed with wonderful friends who know where I'm coming from and are not bothered by my emails and calls.

The longer I am on estrogen, though, and the more feminine I feel it is becoming much clearer how I am a woman in every way I can be, given the limitations of my body right now. I recently read the text of a speech Marci Bowers gave at a meeting of the American Psychological Association. She stated exactly what I am feeling. GRS will allow me to feel whole, although by itself it is not the answer. Knowing beyond a doubt who I am is. She added that this completion is the important aspect about GRS. Sexuality is secondary. She noted that 60% of her patients never experience sex with a man after GRS. For those that do, it's terrific. The main thing her patients value is a feeling of things finally being set right.

Part of my insecurity right now is the uncertainty of when I will have GRS. Erica Ann's suggestion was an excellent one. I had a great day Saturday working on ways to make that happen. What I need to overcome to get this to happen is my tendency to want to go in too many directions. I enjoy doing a number of things that I can make money working at. I have made money doing these before, too. I really need to focus on a single method to bring in more money, though. Initially, I thought I could work on three things, then two. I need to get real about this. One area of concentration, maybe with a minor dabble into something else, is all I can hope for.

I also want results, now - if not sooner. I've always tended to be this way. In the past, though, I was able to step back and look at things logically. I would get where I wanted by taking a number of steps. Even if it took years to reach a difficult goal such as education. I was very patient then, once I accepted the reality of what was required to reach my goal.

Here again, I need to be reasonable, and also gentle with myself. It will take time to start bringing in extra money, especially these days. I can still get to where my heart is leading me.

This past week, I made an effort to reconnect with friends both at the office and away from work. I've already made plans with two of them for this week.

Friday night I stopped at a local gay bar. Someone who used to chair a committee I was on at church plays the piano there Friday evenings. He did not know about my transition so he had never seen me. He no longer attends the same church. I struck up a conversation with him and we had a wonderful time talking and catching up on each other's life.

Before I transitioned, it was much more difficult for me to get excited about meeting with friends. I enjoyed entertaining guests at home and that was about it. My attempts at anything else were sort of lame. The truth is, people back then did not get nearly as excited about getting together with me as they do now. Since becoming Danya, my real self, I want to be with people more and I am much more enthusiastic. People pick up on this and genuinely show an interest in spending time with me.

There have been people who have left the company who have gone out of their way to keep in touch with me. This never happened before I transitioned. Two of these people write to me and I never met them when they were coworkers. They lived in Florida and California. I still haven't met them.

All this leads me to the logical, if unemotional, conclusion that I am on the right track and things are going very well. I need to be reasonable and not be overly hard on myself. Everything that I seek will happen. I just need to work for it and be patient. Patience is very difficult for this adult going through her first female puberty. I've got to relearn this sometime. Friends will help me.

[twaddler (imported)]

"

Now, if I had a nice male friend who wanted to watch the TV I would glady do that as long as we could also snuggle, kiss, hug.....

"

TV and films are best enjoyed that way.

[Danya (imported)]

Thank God we did not get the snow that was predicted! There was a trace of those crazy crystals on my lawn this morning. That was the extent of the snowfall.

Talking to a number of people in the last two weeks has really helped me, as I already reported. Tonight I had the pleasure of reconnecting with MrT.

While I cannot guarantee that my teenage emotions and psyche won't ever get the better of me again, I know I can call friends for help. These people are remarkably wise.

As I continue to emphasize to superiors that I cannot continue the frantic pace of after hours work I have followed for several years, I am gaining confidence that I can bring in money from other (legal!) sources. I am formulating a plan, really a business plan of sorts, on how to do this.

Something else I am doing is getting back to the music I love. The first thing I do when I get home now is practice the piano. I would like to give another recital. The last time I gave a recital, on the pipe organ, was in the mid-1990s. Of my passions, music is at my core. I am assuming that I will give a recital again, I just don't know when. But I am practicing regularly to prepare. Practicing is also important in case I get the opportunity to try out for a staff organist position at a church or synagogue. This is another way I could bring in more income.

After my visit with Erica in Chicago, I realized how much I miss very large cities. I am originally from a large eastern city. I've probably mentioned this before. Another friend here suggested that, when the economy improves, I move to a larger urban area.

I miss the East Coast, as I was reminded when I took a work-related course in the NYC metro area in December of 2007. Chicago or certain parts of the West Coast would be nice, too.

It happens that a member of our upper management team, who is very familiar with my work, is leaving the company. Today was his last day. He was very supportive when I announced I would be transitioning. Today, I sent him an email (from my private account to his) reminding him of my background, education and skills. I mentioned plans for pursuing another career and said I did not consider my age (57) a problem. At least I am not discouraged. Certainly some employers would not be interested because of my age. I asked if he would be a reference, although I knew he would. It's always proper to ask.

Not only did he say he would serve as a reference, he liked the career plans I outlined and offered his strong encouragement. He is not the sort of person to do this unless he believes a plan is very possible. He is pragmatic but also a dreamer of better things for himself and those who work for him.

I was offered the chance for an interview in Manhattan over a year ago for exactly the type of position I would like. I turned it down because of the changes I anticipated in my life. Now I feel like no time is perfect. I will start looking into this now. I redid my resume a little over a year ago. I won't have to change these much at all. For the time being, especially given the economic situation, I will be content with posting my resume on sites specializing in my career area. I may contact one or two 'head hunters, too.

We've had various consultants at the office over the last several years for the big project I am a major contributor to. I have made it a priority to make a good impression on the consultants, in addition to my own management, because they might offer me a position or connect me with something else. If I ask. I am certain their contract with my company states that they cannot try to 'lure away' employees. The consultant with the biggest impact, who is also most familiar with my work, recently wrote to my boss that my work is a major service to the company. This doesn't necessarily translate into a job offer, if I ask. I'm also not sure if it's the type of job I would want. What I am doing, though, is keeping my options open.

Forgive me for rambling on about this. I am glad I can pursue other career options, and try to bring in additional income other ways, too. For months, I did not feel this way at all. I was too busy with my regular job and that was starting to wear on my nerves. So this is good news. Whether or not I am ever offered another job, that I really want, is beside the point. I am getting back to feeling in charge of my life. That's what is critical. All of these things are ways to achieve what I seek, not only GRS but in my whole life. Certainly, I cannnot actively pursue all of the things I've described, but I can do a lot in the time I have.

I have not always felt this way. Being my true self gives me more confidence in every part of my life. Having terrific friends here also is a huge help. Before transitioning, I would never have imagined having so many caring friends. This is a freely given gift from my friends. I am not exaggerating when I say that the people here, on the Archive, have been so accepting of me as to have made a real difference in my life.

I am so happy to have found myself, the real me. Now some of the confidence I have gained with transitioning is carrying over to other areas of my life.

[Danya (imported)]

I had an amazing evening out with a former coworker. We shared appetizers and a few drinks at a Japanese restaurant not far from my office. When we had finished, I was surprised that nearly 3 hours had passed.

Nearly 10

months have passed since I transitioned.

I have been so busy putting in extra hours for project work that I made no effort to form new friendships. I have been much more outgoing, but I simply had little free time. Earlier in the week I decided that needed to change. So, I invited 'S' out for drinks. She was laid off about 2 months ago.

This was one of the most positive and affirming evenings I have had in a long time. I am not counting the terrific encounters and support I have received from Archive members.

Turns out 'S', who is 35, has a cousin now living in Thailand. Her cousin used to be a man who had worked in the Peace Corps. He had a breakdown of some type and then, through therapy, accepted his transsexualism. It's been about 8 years since she had GRS. Now she lives with a woman partner in her Asian home.

'S' had very insightful observations into who I am, all very positive. I was stunned that she had picked up so much about who I am - the kind of person I am, my real self. I'm not sure how she did this, quite honestly. She continued to work at my office, but on another floor in a different department, for the first 8 months or so of my transition.

Toward the end of our time together, she asked if I had any pets. I told her I do not, but I would not mind having a small dog. She was surprised and told me I had more the 'aura' of a cat person. She explained that I am so calm.

When I thought about her remark I realized she may be right. I may be more of a cat person now. This may sound trivial and maybe it is. I do believe her comment reflects a major change in my personality.

I spent a lot of time learning about what is going on in her life. She opened up quite a lot to me. She told me some things about her childhood, boyfriends, a failed marriage, her career, her personality and life in general.

Our conversation was effortless and I felt totally at ease. We barely knew each other before this evening. Before transitioning, I would have been very guarded on first meeting someone like this, male or female. I still cannot get over how everything flowed so naturally tonight.

We hugged after we left the restaurant. I am certain we will get together again. I will check up on her now and then to see how she is doing. Being unemployed is difficult. I know, I've been there. We agreed we'd like to do more together.

[Danya (imported)]

I may have been experiencing PMS symptoms today. Truth is, I was very frustrated about some issues related to the treatment of transgender and transsexual persons. A kind friend put up with my ranting for far too long. Then I spoke with my boss privately about much of the same stuff, although I presented it to him differently, of course.

Occasionally, I feel that I am fighting an uphill battle for my rights, as a TG person, all by myself. This is not really the case and there are people of good will all around who agree with my 'cause'. My rights are simply not an urgent issue for them, however.

Issue 1: A person, who should know better, suggested that 'sexual orientation', as a protected category in a non-discrimination policy, would certainly cover transgender people, too, right???

Isssue 2: Someone else, whom I also would have expected to know better, recently suggested that a company might exclude health insurance coverage for Gender Reassignment Surgery so as not to be viewed as promoting transsexuality. Huh?? Is this similar to irrational fears that homosexuals are recruiting little gay people from the ranks of children? What decent person would condone such a thing?? Or is there a fear that, with GRS coverage, all sorts of employees would suddenly decide a new vagina or penis is just what they've been missing?

Issue 3: Not related to my rights at all, but a little unsettling. I rarely feel old, although I am 57. Today, though, a coworker announced he had just turned 27. I thought, Oh My God, I'm 30 years older than him and over twice his age. How did this happen? I used to be the one people told "Oh, you're so young." As long a no one starts calling me "Granny", I'll be OK.

[Danya (imported)]

I had scheduled an extra appointment to see my gender therapist today. I wanted to get her feedback on my plan to start looking for a new career, possibly in another part of the country or even outside the US.

I am not trying to start a totally new career, but rather to construct one out of my varied educational and work experience background. There is some demand for what I want to do.

My therapist was very happy for me and encouraged me to pursue my dream. She knows that I am not thinking of leaving my current job before I have a new one. She also said that what I have in mind sounds like a very good thing for me. I discussed the age and mid-transition issues with her and told her some employers would be happy to work with me, others won't. I don't care about the ones who have no interest in what I have to offer solely because of who I am. She affirmed that I am looking at all of this realistically.

Although I may never find another position I want, at least I will have tried. This weekend, I'll continue working on identifying potential employers and checking into other parts of the country/world where I would like to live.