It has now been over ten months since I transitioned. Since then, there have been periods when I have felt down, even depressed for a few days. I tended to panic then, thinking I had forever lost my new happiness. Or worse, that my near life-long major depression was returning. In every case, I got back on track within several days and things proceeded very well.
For more than a few months now, I have had no difficult times as far as my emotions go. I've been thinking about why this should be happening again, beyond the obvious issue of the need to work through my childhood trauma.
The mere fact that I am again experiencing some difficulties, after months of smooth sailing, worries me. I should be beyond this, somehow, or so I think. This weekend, I even started to feel like a failure because I am so weak as to be troubled at this time by childhood problems.
This evening, I have a clearer idea of what's going on in my head. I am reasonably confident my self-evaluation is close to the mark, but I will check it out with my therapist.
Other than the need to work through my childhood abuse, again, there is one major problem that I mentioned in my last post. Work is way too stressful and, although I am trying to do less work after hours, management keeps piling on more responsibility. You see, the project must be completed on time.
No matter how out of touch with reality the project planners are.
Just last week, I had two new (and major tasks) added to my list. Tomorrow, it will be my job to make it very clear to the project manager that what they are asking is not only unreasonable, it may very well be impossible in the time we've got given everything else that must be done.
Our on-site project manager is new to this particular project (as of a month ago). He holds some type of certification in project management. He works in my department. I thought he had a better idea of how complex this project is. Within days of getting involved, he commented on the difficulty and complexity of the multiple tasks spread over multiple departments.
He doesn't see the picture as well as I supposed. I will help him get a better view.
He is reasonable and this should go well. Whether it does or not, though, I refuse to allow my job to eat up my entire life.
I had intended to work more this weekend, but decided against it. I will continue to put in extra hours when that is absolutely necessary, but not when the work is based on impossible expectations.
Then there is the childhood trauma, my history of emotional abuse by my parents. I was emotionally abandoned. I realized one of the reasons I am feeling down is that my friend's rejection, occurring in the midst of my working through my childhood problems, left me feeling that I cannot trust anyone to NOT abandon me.
I know this is not true, but this is the way I felt. I am grieving the loss of a friend who I also feel has abandoned me, just as my parents did. Under normal circumstances, I would not react so strongly.
......... I just received a phone call from Erica Ann..and I no longer feel a need to continue writing in the tone I have used.
Suddenly, my spirits are much higher. She has been through the emotional roller-coaster of this second puberty thing so she totally understands where I'm at.
In regards to my childhood, and having dealt with it in my prior life as a 'man', Erica Ann commented that it is so much easier, with testosterone, to take the attitude "I don't give a damn and be done with it." With estrogen, that kind of approach doesn't work nearly as well.
We had a wonderful conversation. I am so thankful Erica Ann is there for me.
I realize that, while I need to accept my emotional response and work through it, I do not want to let these emotions out to the extent that they play havoc with my life. I will get through this.
I will also work my way through, or around, everything else that stands in my way or between me and my goal of GRS. Erica Ann had a terrific idea on this. I will discuss that another time as there is something else I need to do right now.
, such as yours. Somehow, I am unable to think of them as mine, or refer to them by name.