Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[John (imported)]

Hi Paula,

It would be terrific if you can attend a MoM, Paula. I hope we meet someday.

Hugs,

Danya

Hi Danya!

I couldn´t have said it better myself, i would be delighted to meet you someday!

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya!

I couldn´t have said it better myself, i would be delighted to meet you someday!

Greetings

John

Hi John,

You have always been very kind. It would terrific to meet someday.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I'm mostly venting this afternoon, while having some fun, so this post will be a more or less random collection of my thoughts and feelings. I am doing well, but I have too many things on my mind and too much to accomplish before the day ends. Just writing it out will help me de-stress.

Last week, I thought a coworker might be speaking about me in an inappropriate, "HR moment", fashion. I wasn't positive, though, so I waited to see how things settled out. Our resident 'straight old geezer' (his self-description, not mine), Jesus, offered his views on the situation. What happened was likely the result of cultural differences, gender stereotypes and, possibly, racial tensions. Jesus, whose advice I have come to trust, concluded that what went on likely had nothing to do with my being transsexual. I agreed.

[Aside: I do not view our resident scholar and friend, Jesus, as an 'old geezer' by any stretch of my imagination, although I have good reason to suspect he is indeed straight! How he defines himself is, of course, entirely his privilege and right.]

Jesus asked "How much are you into 'gender stereotypes'??". As my new life continues to unfold, a process that at times seems entirely outside my control (like, I'm just along for the ride!), I find that in some ways I am very much into gender stereotypes. Particularly feminine stereotypes, as it happens. What he suggested is that I bake a batch of cookies to share with coworkers this week. This would help smooth the waters, presumably. I told him that, the day before, I had already announced I would bring in brownies tomorrow.

Ah, this feminine stereotype stuff is something I find myself falling into more naturally as time goes by. I am entirely comfortable with most parts of the stereotype. To clarify, however, I will not tolerate being called a bimbo, airhead or similar slurs. Nor do I wish to be thought helpless (unless that should work to my advantage!). I do not mind the occasional lecherous look.

The work week was winding down late Friday afternoon when I stopped to speak with one of the receptionists. We had a very nice chat. I'm not sure how it came up, but she mentioned something other coworkers have stated over the last nine months. I am always well-dressed and look attractive at work. I fear (not really), my desire to dress well is one aspect of my embrace of the feminine stereotype, or at least my interpretation of it.

The fact is, and this is not merely my own view, I am often one of the best dressed women at work. There are quite a few of us. I am starting to feel a little pressure to keep up my 'image' of being, if not a fashion trendsetter, at least a paragon of good taste.

To that end, this afternoon I went on the hunt for a nice (reasonably priced) pair of brown heels of at least 3 1/2" altitude. I have two very nice pairs of black heels but I've been totally delinquent in acquiring brown shoes. I just had to end that today.

Besides, I don't have a single brown skirt! I have several nice black ones.

So I drove all the way to the "Mall of Death", as the Mall of America is quaintly (if not affectionately) known to several out-of-staters, figuring that somewhere in those hundreds of stores I could find the shoes and skirts I wanted. Boy, I mean Girl, was I wrong! I spent four hours in twelve stores at the mall and didn't find what I 'needed'. I know exactly what styles I like and no one had those.

Then I left the mall and stopped at both Target and JCPenney, where my luck turned to the better, at least a bit. I found brown heels that nearly matched what I wanted. Close enough. Still didn't find any brown skirts, at least not any I would wear. I have no desire to be seen in a skirt that makes me look like I'm wearing an inverted, partially open tulip bud. Additional time spent at the two stores: 1 1/2 hours!

Under abnormal circumstances, like those times when I don't have much in the way of other things to accomplish, shopping is fun. No matter how busy I am, I can find up to two hours of shopping relaxing, even if I buy nothing. Five-and-a-half hours is too much of a good thing.

Then there was the very serious issue of what nail polish color(s) to purchase. Nearly as important is the brand, I prefer L'Oreal. Whether or not 'I'm worth it', of the brands I've tried L'Oreal wears the best with minimal chipping over one week's time.

I couldn't find the shades I wanted by L'Oreal. Those were available from Revlon, however. I will try one tonight, hoping that it wears well.

Last weekend, when I was visiting Erica Ann and Ellen, Erica Ann in her feminine wisdom pointed out that I needed a shorter, (much shorter), 'club length' skirt if I wanted to attract the attention of men. I agree with her and I looked for just such a skirt today but couldn't find one. :-\ I haven't given up, though.

To make the weekend more interesting, I found the I missed going to Hunters with Erica Ann. I missed having a friend to go out on the town with.

What did I do instead? I went to a Mardi Gras dinner, at the invitation of my sweet friend 'J'. This might sound like tremendous fun but it turned out to be no more than moderately amusing. It was a benefit dinner held at 'J's' Lutheran Church.

To be serious for a moment, the people at this church treated me very well and I doubt any picked up that I am trans. I had interesting conversations with a few of the women. There was a live Dixieland trio, a very talented group. I had a good time. One of the families sitting at our dinner table had an adopted son, from Romania, who is 13 years, 11 1/2 months old as he proudly asserts. Although I have no doubt he is not always as sweet and well-behaved as he was last night, I found myself wishing I had a child of my own - for

the very first time in my life!

The church also has a large pipe organ. 'J' had no problem bragging about my playing. Late in the evening, I was offered the key to the church with the opportunity to practice whenever I want. This has some potential of leading to substitute work and possibly more.

'J' is an excellent sax player, although I once found her sax octet group's rendition of Bach's "Prelude and Fugue in G-minor" almost sacrilegious (totally kidding, nearly so anyway!). I prefer this piece played on the organ,as it was written. Her group did a very good job with it.

'J' and I also discussed doing some piano (me)/sax (her) duets. I would really enjoy this.

Anyway, while all of this church stuff was fine, it somehow didn't match what I had experienced last weekend with Erica Ann at Hunters.

I made some interesting observations on gender, specifically my own feminine one, this week. And I discussed these with my gender therapist Thursday. I don't want to shock any of you, but sometimes I am naked and even look at myself in the mirror sans clothing. This is most likely to happen right after I get out of the shower.

The problem with this is, my developing breasts (boobs, if you prefer - I don't think they're quite at 'knocker' stage) increase my discomfort with the male appendages that hang you know where. I'm not at all happy about this situation; 'they' just don't belong on me. My therapist's comment that my feeling was quite typical was not much comfort. I will absolutely acquire the money, somehow, to get GRS.

Perhaps my top achievement this weekend was doing no more than 90 minutes of office work from home. Considering the way most of my weekends and evenings have been, this was a big deal. It made me very happy.

[twaddler (imported)]

Instead of cookies I'd go with some currant and cherry tarts. Those never miss.

[Danya (imported)]

Instead of cookies I'd go with some currant and cherry tarts. Those never miss.

Hi postatracura,

Good to hear from you! I already had the brownies baking when I saw your note. They did the trick.

The currant and cherry tarts sound scrumptious, though. My grandmother made a wonderful currant pie. I don't see many recipes these days that call for currants.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

...

The fact is, and this is not merely my own view, I am often one of the best dressed women at work. There are quite a few of us. I am starting to feel a little pressure to keep up my 'image' of being, if not a fashion trendsetter, at least a paragon of good taste....

I sent the essay I posted yesterday to a friend not familiar with the Archive or anyone on it. She knows nothing about EA and I did not tell her where I wrote this. I did not include names, not even screen names.

What I wanted was to share part of my week's experience with her, a trans woman I respect. She lives overseas. How we came to know each other is unimportant.

She did me a large favor, for which I am thankful, when she responded. She enjoyed most of what I wrote. In referring to the paragraph I quoted here, though, she wrote something like "Why on earth would you want to write something like that?" She concluded, with justification, that I was boasting.

Whether or not it was clear to readers here that I was writing at least partly tongue-in-cheek, I don't want to risk giving others an inaccurate view of who I am, or at least of what really matters to me.

There are several reasons why I trust what she tells me. She knows what she is speaking of, for one thing, having survived the trials of a second puberty. Beyond that, she is very honest with me. She has no problem in telling me what she likes about me and what I write. At the same time, she rather quickly has come to understand that certain things I say don't seem to quite fit into her overall view of who I am. I just happen to agree with her, completely, particularly in this example.

I wrote back explaining that part of my "problem" is that I a

m still learning how to handle th

e often exuberant emotions of second puberty. I believe this, but that fact is I have lived for 57 years. I need to cede some control back to my intellect. If I don't, I may become someone I really don't like and hurt others in the process. That is not something I have any desire to do.

Hugs,

Danya

[paulault (imported)]

I know what you mean about gender stereotype things, a friend invited me to watch the superbowl at her house, she invited her mother and three cousins, she was obsessing , she does that allot, of what to have with her chili, i offered to make cornbread. Growing up my mother and i lived with my grand parents and i loved to help my grandmother cook, so as you can imagine i learned how to cook, bake and picked up lots of tricks, yes even back then i knew i should have been born a girl. Well the cornbread turned out wonderful and everyone raved about it. She didn't know about me at the time but does now and is very accepting.

Ah the mall of death, i was there a few years back and you could spend days there and not see everything, a few friends and i spent an evening there, not enough time to really do any shopping but we had a good time and the food there was really good, it's like that if you don't have to make it yourself.

For months i dreaded telling my stepfather about me because i didn't think he would accept, after all he's 89 years old and pretty religious, well when i told him and explained things he said it answered lots of questions he had. He is Luthern and seems they are pretty understanding.

I'm not FT yet but i love wearing nail polish so i wear clear all the time and color when i can be Paula for a day or evening. I started using a base coat then a couple coats of polish, this seems to help it from chipping. Now if i could only grow my nails without them breaking or cracking, oh well when i go FT there always acrylics.

My emotions like yours are sometimes all over the place happy most all of the time then in an instant it seems i will read something and tears will be running down my face, as him i would never allow that to happen.

I'm finally seeing an Endo and am officially on my way.

Danya, i love reading what you write and wish i could write half as good as you do.

Paula.

[mrt (imported)]

I hope your not being more woman then women ahh are? Ok, even I don't understand what I just said. But I have to give you kudos for if the ladies at work are impressed? Heck you just have to be doing something right! ANd for what its worth I've always thought of you as female from the day I met you and I don't think you have a THING to worry about.

*But congrats on the breast growth! Now, if I could just give you some of MINE!!!

As to the viewing yourself in the buff and being upset. I don't know what your therapist said but my patients side of things is that you really might want to ponder not torturing yourself with the present reality. Or to put it another way. You have a medical condition that takes a while to be resolved and this is just that step in between that needs to be done to get to where you need to be. Think of this as a case of low hanging defective ovaries.

And of course keep your undies on and work on that Insurance angle and save up the pennies! By the way how goes the Insurance efforts? I think a lot of people would benefit from what your trying to do there assuming you succeed. *And I think you will!!!

[Danya (imported)]

I know what you mean about gender stereotype things, a friend invited me to watch the superbowl at her house, she invited her mother and three cousins, she was obsessing , she does that allot, of what to have with her chili, i offered to make cornbread. Growing up my mother and i lived with my grand parents and i loved to help my grandmother cook, so as you can imagine i learned how to cook, bake and picked up lots of tricks, yes even back then i knew i should have been born a girl. Well the cornbread turned out wonderful and everyone raved about it. She didn't know about me at the time but does now and is very accepting.

Hi Paula,

You are such a sweetheart. Some of what you have written helps me clarify my own thinking. Some time ago, I had a thread here with a title something like "Who Am I?". Since then I have found myself, but I am still making sense of some of the pieces that have contributed to the woman I am. I don't have to understand all of these things. I have no doubt I am female. I guess it's the scientist side of me that still drives me to understand.

When I was a child, I loved to cook. My mother seldom let me, however. She wasn't a good cook at all, but she tried. My father's mother was a superb cook and baker.

When we had guests or were visiting relatives, I always wanted to spend time with the women. I just never felt comfortable with the adult men, or the boys for that matter.

I'm glad your friend accepts you for who you really are, Paula. Life can be very difficult when we have to hide from everyone.

Ah the mall of death, i was there a few years back and you could spend days there and not see everything, a few friends and i spent an evening there, not enough time to really do any shopping but we had a good time and the food there was really good, it's like that if you don't have to make it yourself.

I enjoy the Mall of Death for periods of up to 2 hours at a time. There is a lot to see. What's is often more important to me is that it's a warm place to walk during our long, cold winters. I usually enjoy having crowds of people around, too. This wasn't always the case, but now I enjoy watching people and how they interact. I even talk with them now. This is new to me since last May.

For months i dreaded telling my stepfather about me because i didn't think he would accept, after all he's 89 years old and pretty religious, well when i told him and explained things he said it answered lots of questions he had. He is Luthern and seems they are pretty understanding.

Your stepfather sounds kind, Paula, and for an 89-year-old I find his acceptance of you very encouraging. Many people acquire wisdom as they age, although your stepfather may have always tended towards acceptance of differences.

There are different 'branches' of Lutheranism, as you may know. While I am sure there are accepting people in all of these groups, some are generally more welcoming than others.

I'm not FT yet but i love wearing nail polish so i wear clear all the time and color when i can be Paula for a day or evening. I started using a base coat then a couple coats of polish, this seems to help it from chipping. Now if i could only grow my nails without them breaking or cracking, oh well when i go FT there always acrylics.

Good for you, using clear nail polish and sometimes polish with color. That's something I never did before I went full-time as me, although I went out a fair amount. Since my 'big day' last May, I don't think there has been a single day I've gone out without polish.

I love having longer nails. Unfortunately, I found that I need to keep them short. Longer nails make it difficult for me to play the piano.

My emotions like yours are sometimes all over the place happy most all of the time then in an instant it seems i will read something and tears will be running down my face, as him i would never allow that to happen.

Yes

, my emotions are all over the map,

although I am generally very happy. Even when the tears strike, it's likely because I've witnessed a tender moment between lovers or a parent and child. Or I could be watching a

movie, especially a romance, and I need extra Kleenex.

I'm

finally seeing an Endo and am officially on my way.

Congr

atulations! I imagine you are very excited right now.

Danya, i love reading what you write a

nd wish i could write half as good as you do.

Paula.

I appreciate your comments. I find that my writing has improved since I set myself free. There was a time when I thought the only effective writing I could do was technical type things.

Thank you, Paula, for taking so much time to share your own story. I feel happy for you.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I want to thank the administrators of the Archive for setting aside this space: "Transitions: Continuing Life Stories". While I have always enjoyed posting on EA, I feel more freedom in this new forum.

In late October, I started building my own web site. I have used it to describe my life and, I also hoped, to provide encouragement to others considering transitioning or already on their way.

For the last few weeks, I have considered abadoning that project for several reasons. Yesterday, I have decided to do just that, but I would not have made this decision before the existence of this specific forum for Life Stories.

At a later time, I may discuss my reasons for closing my own site. This wasn't an easy decision, in part because it has been getting more visitors each month. I got input from several people I trust (among them Jesus, Erica Ann, a foreign friend and others). Not everyone had similar advice but I appreciated everyone's thoughts.

For now, I will leave it at this. I feel I can accomplish nearly as much right here as with my own web site.