Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Danya,

That's very good news, but unfortunately it's also going to be bad news for one of your coworkers and friends. I feel very badly for anyone who looses their job, especially in this economy.

Hi Erica,

I, too, feel bad for anyone who loses a job at any time. And this is a particularly bad economy, as you say.

I am so looking forward to your visit in February. We are going to have the best time. This town may never be the same again!

I can't wait to meet you. I know we will have a wonderful time. I am excited about this trip.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

That is definately good news. Hopefully things will just keep looking up.

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for the good wishes.

It's always good to hear from you.

I hope things are going well for you.

Hugs,

Danya

Well I'm glad your job sounds solid. I know how tough that can be and I'm sending a prayer for you that it continues to go well. I'm really really impressed with how well your doing transition. I think your either a real roll of the sleeves lets get to work type or its just a combo of some of t

hat and the fact that this is just right for you.

I meant to mentio

n this earlier, MrT. I understand w

hat you mean by 'roll of the sleeves lets get to work'. I chuckled a little when I read that, though, because I never rolled up my sleeves when I identified as male. It never felt right to me and somehow didn't seem to fit with who I was. I never examined that feeling closely but I definitely knew I was hiding the masculine musculature of my arms. Very interesting!

[mrt (imported)]

Hummm... bad choice of words on my part. Cinch up the garters then?

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for the good wishes.

It's always good to hear from you.

I hope things are going well for you.

Hugs,

Danya

I meant to mentio

n this earlier, MrT. I understand w

hat you mean by 'roll of the sleeves lets get to work'. I chuckled a little when I read that, though, because I never rolled up my sleeves when I identified as male. It never felt right to me and somehow didn't seem to fit with who I was. I never examined that fee

ling closely but I definitely knew I was hiding the masculine musculature of my arms. Very interesting!

[Danya (imported)]

...because the announcement will be made on the layoffs in my division. I know I don't have to worry about my own job, but I can guess who will be let go. I doubt that my estimate is entirely correct. I certainly hope not, but I'm basing this on their job descriptions and what the company is trying to do. It is possible that three of my friends, people who I have entertained in my home many times, will lose their jobs. I will be very surprised if at least one of them is not laid off. Beyond these three, there are several other possibilities among folks who have been supportive from the moment they learned I would transition.

These are friends who knew about my transgender status months before I transitioned. I am in tears thinking about what will happen. I know I will be emotionally drained by the time I get home Wednesday.

[John (imported)]

Hi!

I cross my fingers anew for you and try to send some energy!

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Thanks for the good thoughts and energy, John.

Unfortunately, I was correct. One of my close friends at the office ('A') was laid off. Everyone in the division had to go to a meeting to hear the news. I was in tears but couldn't let any of my coworkers see that.

I have sent her two emails of support and tried calling her. Her line has been busy.

'A' has been a friend for years. Two years ago, I encouraged her to learn some new skills and I convinced management (including her boss and

the director of my department

) to allow her to take over some of my work. For the first time, she was sent to off-site training. I went along and subsequently helped her learn this major coporate program. Within the last several months, I handed it all over to her and another friend.

At least I have the satisfaction of knowing I helped her pick up a very useful skill that will help her find another job.

[John (imported)]

Hi again!

Then you shouldn´t really feel sorry except for the loss of your friend at work, I think you two could keep up your contact even outside of the office if your friend stays in the city.

Greetings

John

[Danya (imported)]

Hi John,

I am glad I helped my friend learn a new set of skills, and pushed management to see that this happened. I will definitely keep in touch with her.

Today, I had lunch with someone connected with the company president's office. It was purely a social engagement, brought about by her interest in learning more about me. For some reason, she has this idea that I am now quite interesting.

Before I transitioned, we had only known each other slightly. Today we had a very interesting, fun conversation. She made a comment on my height, saying "you are tall for a woman". At first, I didn't understand her point. I told her I had heels on, although relatively low ones.

She went on to explain that, when she knew the old 'male' me she considered me short. I stand 5 feet, 9 inches tall (175 cm). She really sees me as a woman now and I seem a little tall to her.

She said something else which only my two gender therapists and two people from the Archive have told me. "You look like a woman", she said, and if she hadn't known me 'before', she would notice nothing extraordinary about my new female self. I fit right in. While I feel quite comfortable as a woman, it's good to hear things like this.

Others have said things like "You look terrific". That's nice, too, but leaves me wondering if the speaker might mean "Considering you were born 'male', you look terrific". The statement "You look just like a woman" is a high compliment. I am sure that if others think this, they would be uncomfortable stating it so directly.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I'm not feeling well and stayed home from work today and probably will Wednesday, too. I don't feel up to writing tonight, but I need to express myself. Some of what I am writing I cannot 'say' anyplace else but here.

For the last several days, at least, I have simultaneously felt sad and joyful. The sad part comes from seeing a good friend and others laid off. I have written to all of those affected to express my sorrow, to tell them I will help in any way I can (whether by being a reference, helping with a resume or something else). I offered my friend, who has no car, to be her transportation if she needs it. I will also take her to brunch and do other things. One of the issues faced by those who suddenly find themselves unemployed is ostracism by (former) coworkers. I have noted that when those laid off come into the office, few people speak with them. To help prevent that with my friend and someone else from the office, I will have a dinner party in late February. I have invited them and other friends from work.

I am certainly much better off than those who have lost jobs at my own company or others. Nonetheless, those who witness job losses at their companies can suffer, too, and smart companies know this and will take steps to lessen the damage for those who remain while helping those laid off as much as possible. Some people at work, even those with relatively secure positions, have mentioned that they are sad and depressed. My point is, I cannot immediately shake off my feelings of loss and this is normal. In fact, it makes me angry when I see coworkers, who will be unemployed in about 1 week, ignored by many. Perhaps less rationally, I am also angered by the apparent levity of some who will keep their jobs. Their lives have not been affected so why should they care?

At the same time, I continue to feel joyful in being who I am. For the first time, I feel a little guilty about that. Friends lose jobs yet I remain happy (over the real sadness I feel) or at least I continue to experience and enjoy the yearnings of a woman. Somehow, it seems, I should be able to turn this off for now or that these female desires should slacken since I am deeply affected by the losses of people I know.

My desires do not lessen, though, at all. They may have intensified. I was sitting in a meeting Friday with a male consultant and several coworkers. I have always found this man attractive and the more I learn about the everyday concerns of his life, the stronger my feelings become. I know that during part of the meeting, I was practically staring openly (and with longing) at him. Things might not have been obvious (I hope) to others and certainly were not to him. I only had 'the look' when he wasn't looking at me.

The consultant treats me kindly. He has been divorced for many years and is rasing two children alone.

My desires remind me that I have never known a deep love where both partners know themselves well and are confident in that knowledge. Such people can be independent, alone and happy. With the right partner, each can offer the other something wonderful without sacrificing who he or she is.

I am independent, alone and happy. At last, I feel I can be part of healthy relationship, too. I was content until now to be by myself and I can remain happily alone. I would prefer, though, to share my life with someone. Before I transitioned, I had no strong desire for a relationship. Now I long for just that.

A good friend has told me "You have friends and people who love you all around the world." He is absolutely correct, and some of those people are here. I treasure those connections while still yearning for a relationship of a different nature.

[paulault (imported)]

I know how hard it is when friends you have worked with for many years are let go and it seems everyone ostracises them, i know i have in the past and feel real bad about doing so, i think it has to do with greiveing for their loss and guilt that you kept your job when they didn't, i commend you for sticking with your friends and helping them in this most difficult of times.

Paula.