Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Sometimes small things can bring me a lot of happiness and I'm sure this is the case for many people. I had a party at my place yesterday to celebrate my name change. I live in a relatively small townhouse and there is limited parking. I had wanted to invite more people but there wasn't space.

At the party, I had the sense of having family around me and I found this extremely comforting. The people there, and others from the Archive, my church and work have in a very real way been my family for many months now. Everyone of these folks has been accepting of me for who I am and supportive besides.

I'm so glad that I could join your party in a small way via the telepho

ne. I know from my own experience that

this is a great cause for celebration in your lif

e. Thank you for inviting me. It was indeed an honor.

It's been a month since I let my two brothers and sister-in-law know about my legal name change. In that time I have heard nothing back, despite my sister-in-law's promise to write a 'sensitive email' in mid-April. I have not heard one word from my younger brother since I first told them that I am transgender, back in mid-February.

Of course, I am still dealing with some grief over my family situation, but that is lessening with time and it has never been overwhelming. In fact, I hardly ever think of my family these days. Anyway, the important thing is, I am moving on with my life very well without their support. Part of the reason I am able to do that is because of the kind words from Archive members.

In a way, I hope I never hear from my family. I have a strong suspicion that the most I could ever get from them would be a grudging tolerance for who I am. For me, that isn't enough. I don't want to be tolerated. To me, this is too much like 'We love you but...'. I don't want to hear words from my middle brother like 'I disapprove of what you are doing in transitioning but I love you anyway'. How very condescending. We could then spend the rest of our lives dancing around the issue of who I really am. I do not want a relationship like that.

What I have been feeling lately is an emptiness from the lack of any real family connectedness. It's not that I want that from my biological family because, realistically, I doubt they will ever be able to provide it. The party was very good for me, then, i

n that I felt connected to people who care about me.

I know it's very hard to live without the people that were supposed to love us all of our lives, people that called themselves family. At a time of such great joy for us who are transsexual, it's hard not to be able to share this joy of finally finding yourself and the real person that has always been within us with them. It's only natural because you love them. As we have discussed before, the sad truth of the whole matter is that we love them more than they love us. All they are capable of offering to us is conditional love...something we don't need and can live without.

It's hard to be us Danya. If I could, I'd give you a big hug right now.

All you can do is live your life without them and for yourself. As I'

ve said before, it's their

loss, not yours,

for they will not allow themselves to know the real and beautiful people we really are.

I am

very glad I have a family here and elsewhere, made up of caring people who love and accept me just the way I am.

You will always have people here that will love you and accept you for who you are. We are the fortunate ones, the ones who you have shared yourself with, we are the ones that know the real Danya.

[mrt (imported)]

It really is their loss! Your party was great fun and I had the same feeling about it being a family gathering. The Muted TV with the football game made me think of Thanksgiving where its traditional in our house. It was an honor to be invited. Hopefully we didn't scare any of the other relatives but come to think of it thats also traditional in our family.

Janet's dip was much better then the weird jello dishes we have btw!

Keep plugging away on those name changes. Each one is another step! I can't remember exactly what Erica told me about changing the M to a F at the DMV but the way she told her story was very funny!!!

[Danya (imported)]

Now, I am going to change from the slacks and cute top I wore to work into a nice dress, nylons and heels. Then it's off to get a news driver's license. I am hoping they will simply change my gender on the license to 'F' without question. Perhaps if I smile in a slightly suggestive way at the clerk, who I hope will be a man! This will cost me $43.

Otherwise, I will need to go a second time and pay another $43. Turns out my HRT doctor is on vacation for two weeks. She will write a letter to the state verifying I am on estrogen. I will then be able to change my gender on the license. The problem is, there is no way she can do this, since she is away for a while, in time for me to meet the deadline for getting a new license within 30 days of the court ordered name change.

Turns out a woman helped me change my license. So, absolutely no luck getting the gender changed to female right now. The good news is the cost was only $24, not $43. Perhaps the higher price is for a new license. At any rate, once my HRT doc gets back from vacation, I'll get working on the gender change for the license.

The woman who helped me has two acquaintances who have transitioned. It's amazing how I keep running into people who know people (not 'know of' people) who have transitioned. This makes me suspect Lynn Conway's reanalysis of data on the number of TG individuals, showing a much higher incidence than typically reported, is correct. I may yet get back to addressing that issue in my 'Transsexual Identity Development' thread. If I ever have the time!

[Danya (imported)]

I'm so glad that I could join your party in a small way via the telepho

139780]
ne. I know from my own experience that
[/q

uote]
this is a great cause for celebration in your life. Thank you for inviting me. It was indeed an honor.

Hi Erica Ann,

Starting to get to know you through our recent phone calls has made me very happy! I was thrilled when you called and spoke, over

the speaker phone, at the party. Thanks you, very much!

I know it's very hard to live without the people that were supposed to love us all of our lives, people that called themselves family. At a time of such great joy for us who are transsexual, it's hard not to be able to share this joy of finally finding yourself and the real person that has always been within us with them. It's only natural because you love them. As we have discussed before, the sad truth of the whole matter is that we love them more than they love us. All they are capable of offering to us is conditional

love...something we don't need and can live without.

I agree with you 100%, Erica Ann. What my family also does not get is that the person I am now was always there. The true me was simply not totally apparent to them. I really think if some families would be more open about transitioning relatives, they would eventually see this truth. As you say, there is no way I will have a relationship with them based on conditional love. Life is too

short to expend the energy on that kind of relationship.

It's hard to be us Danya. If I could, I'd give you a big hug right now.

All you can d

o is live your life without them and for yo

urself. As I'

ve said before, it's their los

s, not yours,

for they will not allow themselves to know the real and beautiful people we really are.

Only people like you, Erica Ann, and others who have gone through transition or are in the process of doing so can fully understand how hard this experience can be at times. Others here on the Archive and elsewhere certainly have a great deal of understanding and are great sources of support.

Somewhere on the web, I ran across an essay by a transitioning woman entitled "Transitioning Isn't for Sissies". This is very true but I sti

ll appreciate how fortunate I have been so far. To have found this immense happiness in my life is a great gift.

You will always have people here that will love you and accept you for

who you are. We

are the fortunate ones, the ones who you have shared yourself with, we are the ones that know the real Danya.

OK, now I am crying. My tears are from happines, though, not sadness. I know that people here accept and love me and I am so very fortunate to experience the joy of that knowledge. When I started my journey, I had no idea

what a terrific source of caring and support the Archive would turn out to be.

It really is their loss! Your party was great fun and I had the same feeling about it being a family gathering. The Muted TV with the football game made me think of Thanksgiving where its traditional in our house. It was an honor to be invited. Hopefully we didn't scare any of the other relatives but come to think of it thats also traditional in our family.

Hi MrT,

I was very glad you could come and I wish I had more space so I could have invited other Archive members and other friends, too. As it was, I don't think I could have comfortably fit in one more person!

The muted TV football game was not my idea , but I was glad to be accomadating. I thought of Thanksgiving, too, during the party and that gave me a very warm, family feeling. For most of the last 15 years,

I have been alone at the holidays. That doesn't mean I sit around feelin

g sorry for myself then, so not to worry! Nor am I unhappy or lonely during the holidays. The fact that yesterday felt like a holiday celebration, though, brought back very pleasant memories.

So far, I have heard no reports of other relatives (people from my chosen family) being scared. I agree with you, in any case. Famil

y members come with all types of temperments.

Janet's dip was much better then the weird jello dishes we have btw!

The taco dip thing was delicious and she was quite pleased with herself over the compl

iments. In my opinion, this was much better than any jello dish. I don't like plain jello and I don't like jello with anything added, either. I would never object to anyone else enjoying jello and I would even watch as they eat it.

Keep plugging away on those name changes. Each one is another step! I can't remember exactly what Erica told me about changing the M to a F at the DMV but the way she told her story was very funny!!!

The way we handle a gender change on the license here is a little different, with less stringent requirements, than in Erica Ann's home state. I am very glad for this!

Hugs to everyone,

Danya

[kristoff]

Danya,

It was a pleasure to share your company and that of your friends / co-workers. Some interesting folks! The taco salad stuff was awesome, BTW - Kudos to your friend! Thoroughly enjoyed myself. Congratulations!

[Danya (imported)]

Danya,

It was a pleasure to share your company and that of your friends / co-workers. Some interesting folks! The taco salad stuff was awesome, BTW - Kudos to your friend! Thoroughly enjoyed myself. Congratulations!

Thanks, Kristoff my friend. It meant a lot to me that you were at my place yesterday. If I had the room, I would have gladly invited other local Archive folk. The August MoM was terrific and I would love to see those folks again.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I was working remotely from home, again, this evening when I opened a project plan from a VP at one of our consulting firms. I noticed that she had left my former male name associated with tasks assigned to me. There are a lot of these references, going back months and continuing into the future.

I immediately sent an email to the VP, noting that not only was my name now legally changed but also that I had not gone by that male name for 4 1/2 months. She is well aware of this. I diplomatically asked her to correct my name in all places in the project plan. I explained why this was important. Of course, I thanked her in advance for her help fixing this!

When I transitioned in May, upper management communicated their total support of me not only to employees but to all of our vendors, including this consulting firm. Now, I do not believe it was this woman's intention to slight me in any way. Indeed, despite the late hour of my email, she repsonded right away with an apology and a promise to correct things by the morning. I wrote back right away thanking her for taking care of this oversight.

I am sure this VP is aware that she needs to handle my 'situation' in an appropriate manner as defined by upper management. The somewhat panicked tone of her response tonight made that clear. Nonetheless, I think she really does want to do the right thing by me simply because it's, well, the 'right thing' to do.

Human Resources and management made it clear to me from the beginning that I should notify them of any problems with vendors or coworkers. I hope I never have to do that and I did not suspect I would need to with this particular woman. I am glad I was correct.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Some people don't check their work, some people are too lazy to do their jobs properly and some people just don't care!

Not knowing this person, it's hard to say which of the above applies to her, but from her reaction to your e-mail it sounds like it might be the first of the three.

[Danya (imported)]

I agree, Erica Ann, the problem is this woman did not check her work. I have met her and I think she is trying to do too many things in her job. She probably doesn't have time to adequately check everything.

[Danya (imported)]

I hadn't intended to post anything today because I am in a really bad mood. For some reason, I always find that sooner or later I want to post what I am feeling here.

It started this morning. This happens only rarely since I transitioned. When it does, I always manage to work my way back to my normal state in a day or two so this time will probably be the same.

There are several things that are contributing to my feeling so down. I'll just leave it at that, now that I think about it. I started to write what these contributing factors are, but that was making me feel worse. I will state that something I wrote here in the last few days is part of it. That brought up painful memories.

What I am feeling today is tied, in part, to being transsexual. Put another way, it is a result of my living the genuine life of

who I was always meant to be. W

hen Erica Ann stated above 'It's hard to be us Danya', she was absolutely correct. Knowing that someone else who has traveled this path understands is very comforting.

I am not implying that my journey is not worth it. Transitioning is the best thing I have ever done. All I'll say is there can be some difficult moments. The same can be said for any worthwhile venture.