Aside from work continuing to follow me around all weekend, things are going well. In my last post, I spoke about how wonderfully I am doing. I was asking an Archive friend earlier in the week 'how could I have been so stupid all these years to keep burying who I am?' I don't typically go around berating myself. It's just the contrast between 'then' (male) and 'now' (female) is so huge in terms of my happiness and contentment. Just now simply feeling a part of the world and not merely an observer. Nearly all the time, I am simply glad to be where I am today and I absolutely know how lucky I am to have reached this point.
I had a strange image last week from the 'Star Wars' movies of C3P-O saying to R2-D2 "Stormtroopers, here!?": that I was the naive, unwittingly comical, sometimes annoying but still lovable C3P-O.
I just happened to be in St. Paul, Minnesota for work during the Republican convention and the office I was in was right along the route taken by protesters. There were private guards posted inside the building. At times the surrounding streets were swarming with policemen. Some in riot gear, in squad cars, on bicycles, standing atop SUVs with loaded rifles and just milling about the streets. They seemed somehow oddly mixed in with assorted TV and radio crews, groups of people peacefully speaking out against homosexuality and abortion, others speakng up about world hunger.
I had occasion to walk outside among the 'stormtroopers' on several occasions. Of course, when I was out and about it was considered safe. The city still seemed like an armed camp (I am very serious when I say this and as I think about it now I find it very disturbing) but the policemen were friendly. Even the 'stormtrooper' variety. Some were taking each other's pictures. I smiled winningly at several and was greeted by warm smiles in return. This does not mean I am making any kid of judgement on what went on between the police and protesters. I may post some thoughts on that elsewhere and I know first person witnesses of the Labor Day protest and violence.
The reason I brought all this up is it was the very first time in my life that I felt at ease with a single cop, let alone phalanxes of them. I had gotten a speeding ticket when I was about 25, the only violation of my life, and I was terrified back then when the cop pulled me over. That feeling of general unease with the police had persisted, although I had done nothing to cause me to react that way.
This week, my reaction was more like 'I am a woman and these strong men are here to protect me'. Of course, there were some women police officers present, too. I know this has got to sound awfully sexist but my thoughts played right into the increasing vulnerability I have been feeling lately. I have mentioned that before and read this is typical for a MtF person on estrogen. Some of the time anyway. It does not, however, mean I am ready to quit my technology job to become a secretary.
Some years ago, that kind of career move was actually recommended by professionals to transitioning women. Totally unbelievable!
I also, oddly, felt that as a woman I would in no way be considered a possible threat. That was a really silly unrealistic thought.
Yes, I have been feeling very vulnerable on a number of levels. Including my job, career path, love life (or lack of one) and generally in most other areas. Throughout my life I have tended to be emotional and now those emotions are amplified. I feel quite good about this since it hasn't been interfering with my work. In fact, and my boss will confirm this, my performance has improved since I transitioned.
My interests seem to be changing, too. It isn't that I am losing those that I have. Rather it is how I am choosing to spend my time on different things and really want to be very social
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for the first time in my life.
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This post isn't nearly as short as the last, but I couldn't stop myself. That's another thing that is different. I talk a lot more. I am sure not everyone views this as a good thing, but that's OK.
I have to sign off for now and get back to work. Then I will meet my friend J, who is treating me to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I really wanted to wear a dress but have decided that is too risky with potentially messy Mexican food.
I agree with your conclusions.
Nonetheless, I am fortunate to have a good job with a great working environment for someone, you know, like me.