Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

Although my church is extremely accepting of GLBT folks, who make up about a third of the congregation, I have been reluctant to go there as my new, real self. The reason is I am very well known there, partly through past work leading the 'Caring for Creation' team, participation on a committee pushing for GLBT rights in the national church and also from playing the pipe organ now and then. I also sang in the choir for several years. It would be nice to start at a new congregation where no one knows of my past. All they would see would be the real me, unburdened by images of who I once was.

Within the last week or so I made the decision to return to my own church, partly because I was lured with the promise of substitute organist work later in the summer I am a ham when it comes to performing music and I have a number of fans at this congregation.

The last time I was at this church was maybe four months ago. I was still usually dressing in male clothing then but I did tell quite a few people that day that I am transgender. Everyone was supportive although it seemed that a very sensitive married man I know well was a little uncomfortable. He was very friendly and welcoming today.

Today, no one recognized me and that really surprised me. I have no doubt that if I had gone as my former male self, numerous people would have come up to me to chat and ask how things are going. During the sign of peace, I walked right up to people who know me well, said hello and wished them peace. I was looking them right in the eye. I called all of them by name although few had name tags on. Having an apparent stranger say their names did not generate recognition in most. No one recognized me by my voice either, which I do make an effort to modulate in a more feminine manner, both in pitch (although I never use a falsetto voice) and in the way I say things.

I had a name tag on with my first and last name, which I have not yet changed. I thought the last name would be a tip off for some. Turns out it was for one or two but only after they had given it some thought. They later came up to me and said they at first hadn't recognized me at all. I then had several very nice conversations. Several told me how fantastic I looked, which was certainly nice to hear. Perhaps it was the lighting. The truth is, I am quite happy with the way I look.

After the service, I walked up and started speaking to some of the people I know well. One gay man I have known for years. We were talking and finally I said "John, you know who I am" and then I told him my former male name. He said he had noticed a new woman at communion and wondered who it was! We had brunch together a few months ago and I told him then that I am transgender.

This same basic scenario of my speaking with people and them not recognizing me happened at least ten times. No doubt it would have continued if I had stayed around longer after the service.

[Danya (imported)]

In my last post, I described what happened at church this morning. It was all very good.

I just got home and had a voice mail from a friend who knows a lesbian couple who are mutual friends. They had looked right at me this morning at church and had no clue who I was. After the service we had a really nice conversation.

This evening, my friend reported what the couple told her about seeing me today (I listened to the message several times to get this down):

"They both were so impressed with you in church today. They thought you looked so great. They didn't recognize you at first. You looked so wonderful and you seemed so happy."

I am still amazed that I am so happy for the first time in my life and people continue to notice it. I know some of you are probably tired of hearing this. Going from a life of depression and underlying unhappiness to freedom from depression and genuine happiness and joy always seemed an impossibility to me. Yet that is exactly where I find myself. Sometimes, I still find my good fortune unbelievable.

After I transitioned at work on May 19 of this year, I thought after a few weeks life would pretty much return to 'normal'. The emotional buildup to 'transition day' was a huge high point in my life. As were the two weeks or so immediately following that day. I just thought things would settle down and that I would likely start to feel life as a female was becoming just as routine as it had when I was male. I would remain somewhat happier as a woman but, other than that, the long-term effects were not likely to be great. I could not have been more wrong. The way I continue to feel, the way I look at life and its new possibilities, and the way people react to me in a much more positive way are hugely different from anything I experienced in my earlier life.

I had many good times in my life as a male and was happy from time to time. There was always major depression from childhood on, although that was somewhat controlled, starting in my late 20s, by medication. I was not relying on medication to solve everything by any means. I have lost count of the years I have been in therapy. Several therapists have said how impressed they have been by how I have effectively handled major life crises. Some have commented on how much work I put into living more effectively. For years, I exercised regularly to help alleviate depression. I spent time socializing. These things helped.

None of those were ever enough, though, to allow me to lead a genuinely fulfilling life. I accomplished a lot of things and did them well. Whatever I did and whatever relationships I had never left me feeling at ease with myself. Without that, I could not be truly happy.

Several important people in my life have told me you cannot find happiness, meaning you cannot work to get it. It comes to different people for various reasons. True happiness has come to me and I still can't believe my good fortune. I have no idea if I will always feel this way but I suspect I will tend to no matter what happens.

[Danya (imported)]

It really great you are doing so good I am happy for you keep up the good work

Hi Kennath,

It's always nice to hear from you! Thanks for the good thoughts

Danya

[mrt (imported)]

I am trying to imagine spending my life as the wrong sex and suddenly being on the path to have that corrected. I think it is very understandable why your such a smiling person. And while everyone in your life may not get it the important person in this equation does. You!

-

Life probably won't ALWAYS be a 24:7 grin fest there are ups and downs but.... It sounds so clear that your doing the right thing!

[Mac (imported)]

Danya,

I am glad that everything is going so well for you and that you are so happy about your life as a woman. You are very fortunate to have had the opportunity and the ability to take advantage of it.

bdsmilie: Girl reborn May 19, 2008.

May all of your desires and expectations be fulfilled, including :dong:

[Danya (imported)]

The stupid questions I would really like to ask are along the lines of that interview that Tom Snyder did decades ago. What does it FEEL like? Is it better with female hormones or male? Other silly stupid stuff that is right up there with people who gawk at car wrecks etc and which I know are none of my biz but...

Tom Snyder?? MrT, I am way too young to remember him! Of course that is not true but I don't think I ever saw the interview you mention.

From my viewpoint, I believe I have been describing what it feels like to be transgender and transsexual in my posts. Now there is the added bit about estrogen. BTW, I would still feel undeniably transsexual without estrogen, as I did for months before I started it.

I know that I have always been on the feminine side of things, so while I have experienced much of my life in the physical body of a man my brain was never entirely masculine. It is not always an easy matter, then, to explain how things are now different. I'll need to give that some consideration.

The way I usually express myself must not be providing some of the additional information you and others (I have had a few PMs about this) would like to know. I don't have a problem with people being interested in additional details, as long as they are not really inappropriate requests. I'll get into that in another post.

I am expressing my feelings very openly in every post. So I may need a little assistance from you and others in more plainly stating what it is you would like to know.

In the meantime, I will do some thinking about this and post more another time. OK, I've thought about it! , a little anyway.

I wonder if people are looking for something more profound than what I describe. In some ways, I think the whole experience of being transsexual is more profound that I can find words for while at the same time being a very ordinary thing. I don't suppose this helps much.

Perhaps you, and others, are looking for something more earthy than what I usually write. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe something like "I toss in bed unable to sleep, tormented by the recurring vision of a man who wants to make passionate love to me. His musky scent inflames my nostrils and ignites my desire. His smoldering dark eyes seem to look beyond the shell of my body and into the depths of my being. A shiver courses over my nakedness, my sex inflamed with a need I cannot repress. He begins to lower himself, his own unleashed desire evident in his hardness that I ache to take in and satisfy. My back arches as I open myself to him. As I reach out, his image fades. I am left perpetually unsatisfied and alone. All I can do is cry as I call out a name that I never knew." I just made that up, on the off-chance you were wondering. I have had sexual fantasies but nothing so melodramatic.

Seriously, though, I am open to questions. I just may need a little more help in knowing what you want. There's no need to be shy here!

[mrt (imported)]

Well the sexuality part is ahh (Is it warm in here?) interesting.

But believe it or not I was actually more curious about things like physical changes. Pure curiosity about what its like to have the wiring changed. One of my other friends who is doing this reported things like colors being brighter. Smells being ahh err smellier! Skin being less sweaty and other things such as that. Your kind of like the guy who wrote the book "Black like me" that was able to give white people a small clue what it was like to be black. The difference is your really changing - its not just a "mask" or theatrical face paint etc. And along with the changes you see *how people react to you, what your opportunities are as a woman your wiring is being modified by hormones and maybe surgery.

I guess I'm curious because I've been goofed up with too little Testosterone for probably a very long time and now that I'm getting it in adult doses I've seen many changes in myself. At the start some were so dramatic I was kind of scared that I wasn't going to be "me" but... It dawns on me that the new me is like the old old me. Lots of dejavu. And what I'm curious about mostly is if you feel like this is creating a new you in anyway and if so what how etc?

I guess it sounds like I'm asking a science experiment question and I hope you don't take it that way. Or that I'm just a gawker *which I admit is sort of true at the lowest level. But I really don't mean any harm. Think cats. They are curious and I seem to be in tune with them...

Anyway, the sexuality part is interesting as well but... Ahh don't feel you have to talk about that. I would not be like Tom Snyder and ask whats better male or female orgasm for example. A little too personal I think. Anyway I do rather hope you find "Mr Right" if that is the topic. I think its unfortunate that so many TS people don't really have much interest in their sexuality. *If Dr Bowers is to be believed. And whooo... And that seems so odd because if anyone can have her pick of men?

[Danya (imported)]

Well the sexuality part is ahh (Is it warm in here?) interesting.

My spur of the moment fantasy was partly a result of my feeling sexual. I have described before how I feel a different type of sexuality and this started months before I was on estrogen but after I had started Androcur.

I also felt like trying out a different style of writing. I can feel very playful about many things, but I doubt that is evident in most things I write. In a way, writing about a fantasy (even one I have never had) was an experiment in expressing myself in a new way.

But believe it or not I was actually more curious about things like physical changes. Pure curiosity about what its like to have the wiring changed. One of my other friends who is doing this reported things like colors being brighter. Smells being ahh err smellier! Skin being less sweaty and other things such as that. Your kind of like the guy who wrote the book "Black like me" that was able to give white people a small clue what it was like to be black. The difference is your really changing - its not just a "mask" or theatrical face paint etc. And along with the changes you see *how people react to you, what your opportunities are as a woman your wiring is being modified by hormones and maybe surgery.

I will talk about your points here as I progress on estrogen treatment. It's only been 5 1/2 weeks since I started it and both the emotional and physical changes take time.

The calm I feel on estrogen is amazing. Another friend on the Archive suspects a large part of this calm is because of my transition at work and the resulting peace I feel. I do not doubt that plays a part.

It seems that there is a fluctuation in this calm that may be related to changing levels of estrogen. The estrogen patch (Vivelle-dot) is designed to provide a relatively constant level of estrogen. If I am more than half a day late in changing to a new one, though, I no longer feel the new calm as keenly. Then it seems to take another half-day after I put on a new patch for the true calm to return.

That could all be a placebo effect but I do not think so. That is because this calm, as I have discussed, is of a different type than I have ever experienced.

As far as 'smells' go, I do not notice a difference so far and I may never. I almost always have nasal congestion even if I take medication to help reduce it.

I do think I sweat much less and I have reported that I often feel a chill when the temperature might be uncomfortable for others. Certainly sweating less is nice!

People do tend to treat me differently than when I was male. A lot of that may be due to the fact that I pass well. I find it relatively easy to behave in a feminine manner, in the way people might expect a woman to act. That is the way I want to be but not in any extreme sense. I merely want to appear as the woman I am. That is still a work in progress. I totally enjoy being treated as a woman.

My company brought in speakers to talk about transgender lives the week before my official first day as a woman at work. Participation was mandatory for people in my division, which is full of technical types. One of the presenters is a trans woman (and I include 'trans' so you know her history - she is really a woman). She made the point that transitioning is like building the Windows XP operating system from the ground up. Her point neither she nor anyone else simply decides one day to be a woman and that's it, she's arrived. It is an on-going process of transformation that is sometimes difficult (not to mention expensive). It is truly an adventure.

What you are interested in is the process and I have no problem describing that. I have a long way to go, though, on my journey so I cannot immediately describe to you what the end will look or feel like. In some ways, I have no clue but that is part of the fun.

I guess I'm curious because I've been goofed up with too little Testosterone for probably a very long time and now that I'm getting it in adult doses I've seen many changes in myself. At the start some were so dramatic I was kind of scared that I wasn't going to be "me" but... It dawns on me that the new me is like the old old me. Lots of dejavu. And what I'm curious about mostly is if you feel like this is creating a new you in anyway and if so what how etc?

In some ways I feel that the estrogen is creating a new me. Again, though, I am at the beginning of this process and there is a long way to go. I will report on something in another post regarding my sexuality. That may be expanding in scope.

I guess it sounds like I'm asking a science experiment question and I hope you don't take it that way. Or that I'm just a gawker *which I admit is sort of true at the lowest level. But I really don't mean any harm. Think cats. They are curious and I seem to be in tune with them...

I have no doubt at all that you mean no harm, my friend. Besides, I like science-type questions. The one negative I see here is that you are in tune with cats. I am a dog person. Ah well, I suppose I can overlook that aspect of you.

Anyway, the sexuality part is interesting as well but... Ahh don't feel you have to talk about that. I would not be like Tom Snyder and ask whats better male or female orgasm for example. A little too personal I think. Anyway I do rather hope you find "Mr Right" if that is the topic. I think its unfortunate that so many TS people don't really have much interest in their sexuality. *If Dr Bowers is to be believed. And whooo... And that seems so odd because if anyone can have her pick of men?

Sexuality is a healthy part of being human and it should be celebrated! I will probably write more on this as time goes by.

As for Marci Bowers, I have met her (briefly) and she is indeed very attractive. She has clearly had major body work and I don't see anything wrong with that.

The good thing for me is that I feel beautiful now, so I am lucky. There are some things I would like to have finished (like electrolysis). I know from comments others have made to a mutual friend that when they see me for the first time they notice that I have no beard. Of course, that is not true but I am glad what I have is not noticeable, at least most of the time. That new makeup must be very effective!

The single thing that matters is who you feel you are and that you believe that. All of the rest is superficial. I am not saying appearance is unimportant. I have read, though, accounts of women who have transitioned with completion of electrolysis, GRS, facial feminization surgery, breast augmentation and who knows what else! Some of these women are still uncomfortable with themselves and there remains an underlying unhappiness because they feel they are still not true women. The fact that they may be physically gorgeous and pass perfectly is not enough for them.

Dr. Bowers has a female partner, by the way, where she lives in Colorado. She may still be technically married to the wife she met when she was Mark Bowers. They remain best friends and have several children. I have heard the deal about Bower's commenting on many trans women not being interested in sex. I don't know how accurately she was quoted.

I have several trans women friends who are intensely interested in sex. One gave a talk entitled 'The Dilation Diaries' on her experiences with increasingly large dilators(let's face it folks, these are dildos) after her GRS. After surgery, the woman needs to regularly (several times a day) and for an extended period over many months work to keep her new vagina open.

There were several women at the talk who have had GRS. All gave unabashed recounts of their own experiences with dildos and the sexual responses they got with their new 'equipment'. They also described their sex lives.

I will post a recent interview with Marci Bowers in another thread. She does not agree with all the provision of the Standards of Care but follows the for the most part. I am sure she has to protect herself.

Today is a vacation day and I enjoy writing. I need to do get other things done today, though, and I ended up writing far more than I intended.

[Danya (imported)]

Danya,

I am glad that everything is going so well for you and that you are so happy about your life as a woman. You are very fortunate to have had the opportunity and the ability to take advantage of it

Hi Mac,

You are right, I am very fortunate in many ways and I never forget that. It's always good to hear from you.

-Danya

[drew28 (imported)]

Yes good luck, peace, happiness, and success with transitioning at work and in general. I would love to go down the road of transition, I just don't have the money.

Good luck with it. I'll read what's happening with your transition with great interest (as I'll be going down the same road in a few months). May it lead to great happiness