Transitioning at work and in all of my life

[Danya (imported)]

First, a disclaimer. I am writing this at 11:30 PM my time because I am working from home. Not because I enjoy doing that when I'd normally be in bed, but because it has to be done now. As I write, I'm doing something remotely at the office that has to run to completion before I can proceed. Then it's on to more work stuff. This kind of thing doesn't happen often so it's really not bad.

I have been exchanging emails with an Archive friend. He asked if I had noticed any changes from estrogen beyond some further breast development and the feeling of calm that I have reported. Had I experienced any changes in color perception, for instance? Ah, no to that one! On sunny days things look green, on raining days they look to be a wetter green! I don't think that counts.

I hadn't really thought much more about this until last Thursday. My female consultant friend told me that morning that I smelled good. I had taken a shower that day so I knew she wasn't mistaking BO for a pleasant fragrance I hadn't used any cologne type stuff either so I said it might be the soap I used. We agreed that must be it. Now that I think about this more, what she may have noticed was a relative lack of male body odor.

Before Thursday, I had been spraying on cologne several times a day. I'm usually congested and I could barely smell it. Well, Wednesday afternoon a young gay friend identified the fragrance, by name, from halfway across a very large room. I decided right then and there that it was time to stop with the fragrances. It wasn't the absence of an odor that my friend noted Thursday but a pleasant one.

I have noticed that when I sweat, which of course a lady seldom does, but when I do it seems it never develops the same strong odor as male sweat does when it sits around a while. It's not the I'm bathing more frequently, although I want to make it very clear that I bathe very regularly.

Then there's the urine test. From what I read, the urine of MtF transsexuals on estrogen becomes less metallic tasting and tangy. I'm going to take their word on this one, folks. Don't even try to bribe me to do that test!

In any event, based on my very subjective observations of my own body, I do believe there is a reduction in odors that might be identified as male. You can take that for what it's worth, which probably isn't much!

In the time it's taken me to write this, the work process I'm waiting on has gone from 13% complete to 16% complete. At this rate, I may be up quite a while longer.

[Danya (imported)]

I am still waiting for my remote process to end at the office.

Work went extremely well, although it was hectic. I was dressed to kill today (or is that phrase only used for men who are potential assassins??). Well, I was dressed to kill anyway

The reality is, I wore a dress for the first time in a while and I think the new makeup looked really good. A number of people stopped me to tell me how nice I looked. This did wonders for my fragile female ego. OK, OK...I know it's not really that fragile! Not yet, anyway, but who knows after more time on estrogen?

What matters is I felt extremely feminine in the dress and heels. I will also admit, although I doubt this is a surprise, that I can be vain at times. There have been occassions when I thought I was the best looking woman in a restaurant, for instance. An apparent side effect of estrogen is delusional thinking.

So there I was, sitting at my desk and feeling very feminine with no outlet for those feelings. What was I to do? There certainly were no men around who had any hope of satisfying the carnal desires I was also experiencing (more on that in another post, perhaps). The answer came to me surprisingly quickly! Go shopping!

What I intended was to walk through Macy's and look at the nice clothing. That's basically what I did and I thoroughly enjoyed it. As a male, I liked having fairly nice clothes but I never got any fun out of shopping. Now, as a female, I thoroughly enjoy browsing through the aisles of clothes. This gives me pleasure even if I buy nothing.

The browsing paid off, because I spent considerable time looking through the reduced price items. As a man, I wouldn't have done that. Today it was great fun, despite the fact the so many other women had gone through that the sizes were no longer grouped nicely together. I always thought women were supposed to be 'lady-like' and hence neater than men. They sure had me fooled! I found a very nice dress at the thrift shop price of $4.99. Unlike similar items I've found at Penney's, this one has no defects. That was the only thing I purchased but I had a wonderful time looking at everything.

[Danya (imported)]

I hope to have a court date in late July or early August for my legal name change. Now I need to decide whether I want a new last name. I haven't given any thought at all to a middle name.

I have no emotional ties to my last name. This doesn't mean that I have no good memories of my childhood but those grandparents, aunts and uncles who are part of the good times are long gone. Cousins are scattered around the country and we lost touch many years ago.

The only living relatives that I have had contact with for the last 25 years are my two brothers and by extension a sister-in-law, a niece and a nephew. I am not going to repeat what I have written elsewhere about those relationships. I'll simply say that we haven't been close and now there is little sign of acceptance from them of who I am.

In a way, then, I feel that I am free to do what I want with my last name. I cannot pretend to know what it feels like to grow up without a family, but I imagine that to some extent I am an orphan. On one level, that makes me sad but on another it is very freeing. I have been redefining who I am at the very basic level of gender. I have in a real sense come home to my true self, but there is still mental and emotional work involved, and discoveries to be made, in the process of becoming who I was always meant to be.

Now there is the additional possibility of redefining who I am on another level, my entire name. Names are very powerful things and how we are called by others plays a part in our own identities, in how we see ourselves. So I don't take a name change lightly.

I will put some additional thought into this. I doubt that I will decide to choose a middle name. For several months now, I have had a new last name chosen and it is likely I will go with that.

[Danya (imported)]

I had a nice chat with my gender therapist today. It has also been about a month since I started estrogen.

At our last appointment (two weeks ago), she finally capitulated and agreed I do not need a support group of any kind. Whether she agreed or not, I had no intention of going! I have been doing extremely well on my own. It is nice, but not necessary, to know that she finally, totally gets this.

Today she asked how I am doing. I described how I was feeling cold all the time. When I left work to drive to her office, it was in the mid-70s (I had no clue what the temperature was) with no more than a very gentle breeze. I felt chilled and wished I had light jacket. This is the way it's been the last 10 - 14 days, consistently.

Her one word reply to this was 'hormones'. She, on the other hand, is experiencing hot flashes! I felt good about her 'hormones' response because it is a bit of subjective confirmation that the low dose of estrogen I am on is doing something. By the way, I felt similar bouts of chills on Androcur alone but not with the Spironolactone that replaced it in mid-February.

What was more telling was my description of how calm I have been over the same period. After listening to a quicker run-down of my symptoms than I list here , she again simply stated 'hormones'. I have read that this is a common reaction for transsexuals using cross-gender hormones and it is often considered confirmation of the diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder. In my case GID clearly means transsexualism since it is the female hormone that is having this effect on my natal male body. She agreed with the conclusion that my feeling so very calm is a confirmation of who I am - a woman. Of course, she is also well-aware that I transitioned at work over a month ago Since that has gone so well, it certainly adds additional certainty to the diagnosis.

I have mentioned this elsewhere and described it as a type of calm I have never experienced. In my 3 1/2 months on 100 mg/day of Androcur followed by spironolactone at 200 mg/day alone for 3 1/2 months, I never felt a calm like this. It is not the same calm I feel immediately following and even the next day after a good workout.

In fact, I have never in my life felt calm for so long without exercising. Not only do I feel calm, I feel VERY calm and all the time. The only bad part, if there is one , is that I haven't been exercising and I should be. I'll restart my program this weekend.

It could be argued that part of this calm can be attributed to my finally being true to who I am. I have no doubt that this plays a role. I can't explain it but I just know my happiness at being myself is not sufficient to explain how calm I am.

When I accidentally dropped and destroyed an expensive camera lens a few nights ago, it barely upset me. As I told my therapist today, I stood and looked at the broken lens on the floor and thought 'I should be upset about this, why am I not upset?'. I finally shed a few tears, having convinced myself that I should show some reaction, but that was done in five minutes. Don't get me wrong, I really liked that lens and miss having it. That is not the point, though. In the past I would have gotten depressed, or angry with myself (at least for several hours) or experienced some other major negative reaction to the loss of this lens. I also would have worried about how I would manage without it. I have thought about how I will manage without it, but I haven't really worried about it. None of my usual negative feelings emerged when I broke the lens.

Things are going so well that at my last visit my therapist asked why I was seeing her at all! If you are transsexual but have no intention of ever having SRS, there's no reason to see a therapist if you don't feel a need. I explained, as she well knows, that I will need her recommendation for SRS down the road if I decide that is what I want to do. For her to feel comfortable attesting to my suitability for SRS, she needs to see me periodically. For now, we agreed to cut our visits down to once a month.

[kennath7 (imported)]

It really great you are doing so good I am happy for you keep up the good work

[mrt (imported)]

I had a nice chat with my gender therapist today. It has also been about a month since I started estrogen.

I think its great that you gender therapist is saying that your so normal you don't need to come in all the time! Thats more then great. It also says (I think) that your on the right path. Which is great! I'm glad your Estrogen treatment is helping you and I'm glad its keeping a lid on anger etc. I'm curious about all that but... I'll keep mum.

[Danya (imported)]

I think its great that you gender therapist is saying that your so normal you don't need to come in all the time! Thats more then great. It also says (I think) that your on the right path. Which is great! I'm glad your Estrogen treatment is helping you and I'm glad its keeping a lid on anger etc. I'm curious about all that but... I'll keep mum.

Yes, MrT, the fact the my gender therapist said I don't need to see her all the time does mean I am on the right path. Certainly in her opinion and my own! There is no doubt about that. The fact that people still comment on how happy I am is further confirmation. I don't think I'll lose my way now.

You can ask anything me anything you wish. I haven't known you to be the shy type I cannot guarantee I will always answer but that has never happened with any questions you have ever asked me on the Archive.

Perhaps I should start another thread entitled "Everything you always wanted to know about transsexuality but were afraid to ask" There have been only two inappropriate questions or remarks since my big transition day in May. Neither was from a member of this site. Those arose from peoples' ignorance. They really weren't trying to be malicious and I certainly didn't take it that way.

Folks, there are definitely questions that are considered inappropriate to ask a transsexual. Questions like that have never come up here and I in no way anticipate that happening. I may post something on this for general information. It may be of use for visitors to the Archive.

[Danya (imported)]

Since my transition day at work, I have heard my old name used four times. I'm sure it has happened outside my hearing, too. It amazes me that so many people consistently get my new female name right, along with the pronouns that go with that new identity.

It was just yesterday that someone called me by my old male name. This woman did this entirely unintentionally. We have known each other for years and I am certain that can make it difficult for her to keep things straight.

As soon as she addressed me by my old name, I calmly stated my new name. She apologized right away and that was the end of it.

The only person I know that had a problem with using the right pronouns is my boss. When I heard him, I sent him an email reminder of my new status. I also told him I knew this had to be difficult although he had been extremely supportive of me. We have worked together for years. After that one reminder, he has always used the correct pronouns.

[mrt (imported)]

The stupid questions I would really like to ask are along the lines of that interview that Tom Snyder did decades ago. What does it FEEL like? Is it better with female hormones or male? Other silly stupid stuff that is right up there with people who gawk at car wrecks etc and which I know are none of my biz but...



Remember that black book "Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask?" the dumb stuff I'm curious about fits that title well.

You can ask anything me anything you wish. I haven't know you to be the shy type I cannot guarantee I will always answer but that has never happened with any questions you have ever asked me on the Archive.

[Danya (imported)]

The stupid questions I would really like to ask are along the lines of that interview that Tom Snyder did decades ago. What does it FEEL like? Is it better with female hormones or male? Other silly stupid stuff that is right up there with people who gawk at car wrecks etc and which I know are none of my biz but...



Remember that black book "Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask?" the dumb stuff I'm curious about fits that title well.

Yes MrT, my pal, I remember the book. That's where I got the idea for a title for a new thread. I wrote about that a few posts back as

"Everything you

wanted to know about transsexuality but were afraid to ask"

Are you not fully reading what I post, MrT? S'OK! I tend to post a lot.

I don't think your questions are dumb at all and I will answer them fully, just not right now. The short answers are it feels great with even

the low dose of estrogen I am on

and I prefer female to male hormones. In a month, the estrogen will likely be doubled. I doubt that I will then feel twice as good as I do now. I don't think it can get any better.

Details to follow soon.