Some time back, I mentioned a radio producer who wants to do a documentary of my transition. What she means is tracking my thoughts and feelings over the next year or more as I continue on my journey. I have completed one transition from male to a clear announcement and presentation of myself as female in every aspect of my life. Although the first few days of my transition at work felt very wonderful and magical, in truth that was just the beginning of an ongoing journey of discovering and becoming who I really am. There was no hocus-pocus like instantaneous change from my male persona into my true female self. The magic of the first days is no longer there. That has been replaced with the reality of dealing with every day life. What has changed is that I am now happy for the first time in my life. I can look forward to continued happiness and adventure as my journey proceeds. It is this adventure that the producer wants to document. All true adventures have risks and very real dangers. I expect my happiness to continue but there will be some rough times ahead mixed in with times of exhilaration.
This producer has wanted to meet with me for over a month. Tonight she got her chance because I had accepted her second invitation to attend, as her guest, an empowerment seminar type event associated with a well-known organization. We first met for dinner. She had also invited a young man along who looked to be about 23. I was the last to arrive and felt fairly relaxed despite a stressful work week. As I've mentioned elsewhere, I am much more gregarious and comfortable around all kinds of people than I ever was as a man. We had a very enjoyable conversation.
During most of the seminar activities, this young man and I were together in the two-person teams to discuss our life issues. It turned out we had an amazing amount in common. Our backgrounds are very different and on the surface one might not expect us to be very similar at all.
In her first invitation, the producer said it sounded like I was already leading the kind of life this group promotes. After tonight's seminar, I agreed with her. They charge a fairly hefty fee to for an extended weekend forum that they say will transform your life. I am giving a second glance at their syllabus as I write this. I have no disagreement with the intent of their program and I know people who have benefited from their work. I truly believe I'm already in the process of leading the type of life they advocate and do not need their assistance. It is not that I feel I have arrived at my destination but that I do not see road blocks in my thinking, attitudes or behavior that will prevent my living a very full, empowered life. In fact, that is already the kind of life I have. This was not always true but it most certainly is now.
The facilitator would not accept me at my word on this. He is gay and told me he can relate, to an extent, to what I must be experiencing transitioning. Surely I must have major work now to resolve issues from my past, he said. I told him I either worked through those or knew what to do to resolve the rest. He then said he was not going to argue with me, to which I told him I was simply offering a response.
With determination, he went on to question my single relationship status and insisted that I must want that to change. The truth is, I am happy being single and I would be happy in the right relationship. Either way, I am indeed happy. He clearly thinks everyone just absolutely has to be in a relationship, or be actively seeking one, to be living life fully. He didn't get my viewpoint and told me I was 'filtering'.
Of course, as I have written here, I have some fantasies of being made love to by a handsome man. Conceivably, that could happen this weekend (more about that in a day or two). I have no doubt that a good relationship would be a wonderful thing. It is not a requirement, though, for me to have a fulfilling life. The facilitator did not seem to get me here, either.
Our entire conversation was much shorter than my description. I could only tolerate so much. I am certain he concluded I am a lost cause
At the end of the evening, I met the producer and the young man in the parking lot. The young man said he had no idea what to expect when he had been told he would be meeting a trans woman. He said he was very comfortable with me and liked my openness. He also said he could tell I was happy and it seemed there was an aura about me when I arrived, late, at the restaurant. I thought the 'aura' part was laying it on a bit thick, especially since I have had a stressful week with long work hours. I certainly did not feel like I had an aura!
Then the producer agreed with him! People at work have said 'you are glowing'. All I know is, I am happy and people do notice. Apparently, this can come through even when I am tired and a bit frazzled. It is something very new in my life.
The producer and I will meet another time to discuss the possibility of a documentary. I let her know I am busy and could not devote the time necessary for her original idea of making a regular taped record of my thoughts and feelings. She knows I write about my life on a web site and I told her it was important that I have time to keep that up. She then proposed that she meet with me now and then to do interviews which she would later edit into a cohesive story. We'll discuss this possibility in more depth when we next meet.
I'll probably be OK with the next one, which I'll apply tomorrow morning at 3 1/2 days after the first.