Evolution of my gender identity

[Danya (imported)]

It was a good thing my woman friend had agreed to welcome others and get things going at my house this evening. I returned home from my electrolysis appointment much later than I expected.

We had a really nice evening together and I found it very affirming. I was in Danya mode with my blonde wig. The partner of one of my friends at first thought it was my own hair. He said it looked so good. He and I have spoken at dinner parties I've had on a number of occasions. We don't know each other as well as I know his partner, but we're far from total strangers.

He said one thing that meant a lot to me, within the first 5 - 10 minutes of my arriving home. "You seem much more relaxed than I've ever seen you before." He's only previously seen and known me as a man. Enough said.

-Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I forgot to mention another very nice thing that happened. Remember, I was in Danya mode last night.

As one of my friends from work, a very straight 26 yo man, was getting ready to leave, I put out my hand to shake his. I thought that's what would fit his comfort level. He gave me a bit of a quizzical look at this point, smiled, said something like 'Don't be silly' and gave me a very nice hug instead.

It's always been natural with most of my gay friends to hug but I had not expected this from my straight friend at all. I'm so fortunate to know so many caring people.

-Danya

[JesusA (imported)]

It's always been natural with most of my gay friends to hug but I had not expected this from my straight friend at all. I'm so fortunate to know so many caring people.

I think it's clear, that as you become more comfortable with yourself, others are becoming more comfortable with you. As you relax, you're becoming very huggable....

[tugon (imported)]

Danya I wanted to let you know it has been enjoyable for me to read about your rediscovery of your self. There is more joy in your posts. I was once told by a friend that I seemed so comfortable in my own skin and as a eunuch I realized I was. It sounds like you are becoming comfortable in your skin. What a great place to be.

[Danya (imported)]

I hadn't intended to post tonight because I'm tired and need a good night's sleep. So what am I doing here? This is where I come when I have thoughts I want to share. In the 'olden' days before Danya, that is my 'male' era, I seldom cared to share my thoughts at all. Now, it's I'm almost as if I'm compelled to share my thoughts and feelings.

This is simply a loose collection of some of the things I've been experiencing over the last week or so.

1. I'd already shared with a fairly conservative friend at work that I'm transgender. I had not told him about the male to female part. Nonetheless, I was still surprised when he would call on the phone and address me as Mr. It was making me uncomfortable, just as maintaining what I viewed as the fiction of being a man at work was disconcerting. Finally, I spoke with him privately and explained the male to female piece. I understood that he really didn't mean anything at all by referring to me as Mister but it was making me uncomfortable. He was really terrific about the whole thing. He had even wondered when I would start estrogen before this conversation! Yikes! A member of the military for many years, he had been stationed in NYC for some time. He had been exposed to all kinds of gendered and sexualed (??) folks in the Big Apple. He completely got the whole deal and was extremely supportive.

2. Electrolysis proceeds relatively slowly although I'm excited about the results. After this evening's appointment, nearly the entire area from my lower lip to the end of my chin has been treated and I get very little regrowth. For those of you who don't identify as male to female, I'm sure this is boring as hell! For me, I feel like I'm returning to the real Danya before puberty wreaked havoc on her body.

When I started electrolysis, I had mixed feelings. Here I was willingly giving up this

obvious sign of masculinity, the beard.

For decades, it's enabled me to 'hide' out in the open as masculine, despite my somewhat effeminate behavior. Now, after I see the increased decrease in beard density and coverage after each treatment, I run my hands over the smooth area. I love the silkiness of my skin in these spots. It's a sensation of something I thought I'd never be able to experience.

3. Over the last week, i've come out for the first time to my dentist, his hygienist and his assistant and three more people at work. As I tell more people, I'm finding my discomfort at presenting as male at work is lessening. It's almost as if I'm allowing Danya to take, on the inside anyway. Besides, as my beard coverage is reduced, and with the recently pierced ears and lengthening hair, I look more feminine.

4. I've found that, when coming out to men or even updating those I've already told I'm transgender, it's best to tell them one to one. I updated two guys in my group last week on the male to female piece. When I had earlier spoken with them separately about being transgender, each had been relaxed and really supportive. One straight guy had even hugged me.

Speaking with both of them at once, though, seemed to make them slightly uncomfortable. It was as if they didn't know how they should react with another male present. It all came out alright, but I will stick with one to one disclosures from now on.

[Danya (imported)]

I told a very pregnant coworker about my impending transition and showed her the uncropped picture from which my Archive avatar was made. She comented that I should ditch the dress in the picture and try something like the purple leather outfit she sometimes wears at home

[joanne-f (imported)]

Gender tansition can be a mine field. I grew up thinking I was a freak. I had a male body but felt I was a female inside. In the end I suppressed all my transgendered feelings (which did a lot of damage) and tried to live (unsuccessfully) as a gay male. When I finally admitted to myself what I was (this was after I tried to kill myself) and tried to change, all the techniques I used to suppress my female side wouldn't go away. I was in constant mental battle with myself. This was ten years ago. I ended up running away from it, and here I am again in the same place.

I'm mentioning all this as I know how hard it is to begin to transition. I wish you all the best Danya.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Joanne,

When I was a young child I felt female inside and acted that out. Once my parents found out about my cross-gender behavior, they did their best to stamp it out. I, too, suppressed my transgender feelings from that point on and that initiated a life-long depression that has only recently lifted.

As a teen, I knew I was attracted to men but I never experienced any physical sexual arousal. I knew I didn't fit in, as I was, with either men or women. Then I married in my early 20s, a union that lasted 20 years.

My marriage ended because I 'realized' I was gay. Throughout the 20 years of my marriage I was at war with myself over my desire to look at men and my love for my wife. It was a constant battle to suppress any thought of possibly being gay. I had a major dread of the coming of the warm months when men would be out and about and less clothed. At that point in my life, transgender wan't even in the picture since I'd worked hard since childhood to repress TG tendencies and fit into the male role expected of me. I was faithful to my wife but desperately unhappy. At any rate, at least if I identified as gay I was still a man.

I then found that I never fit in emotionally with gay men and, although I fell in love with a gay man, I never had much thought of having a sexual relationship.

Before marriage, I'd had no sexual experience at all and I include masturbation in this (I didn't feel that I belonged in my male body and found my male genitals repulsive). Yet I was attracted to men.

In my mid-40s, after I was out as gay, I was working with a gay therapist who was the first person to suggest I was transsexual. Having just come out as gay a few years earlier, I found this thought unsettling as I had already made a major change in my life. Besides, I told him, I was too old to consider transitioning.

Occasionally I get the desire to return to the way things were before I accepted that I am transgender. Life was much simpler and certainly easier then. I feel fortunate that I realize there is no return for me. The genie's out of the bottle and can't be put back. I am absolutely certain that, trying to return to my old self, I'd eventually wind up just as unhappy as I was before.

There are real and significant difficulties now but I know I'm on the right path. You are absolutely correct in that it was very hard for me to get this far and there are more hurdles ahead when I go full-time as Danya. A few people who initially were supportive now make comments on how strange my transition will be and what a major job it will be for them to adjust. I'm trusting that I have the psychological strength to sustain me through difficult times ahead. I also anticipate that I will continue to feel, for the first time in my life, really happy and that there will be many moments of discovery and joy. The positives will far outweight the negatives.

Thanks for writing, Joanne, and for the good wishes. I wish you well on your own journey.

-Danya

[joanne-f (imported)]

Occasionally I get the desire to return to the way things were before I accepted that I am transgender. Life was much simpler and certainly easier then. I feel fortunate that I realize there is no return for me. The genie's out of the bottle and can't be put back. I am absolutely certain that, trying to return to my old self, I'd eventually wind up just as unhappy as I was before.

I need to always remember that as well.