Evolution of my gender identity

[Danya (imported)]

I went back to look at my blog postings and first mentioned, in "Gender transition and exploring sexuality", on Jan 4 of this year that, despite having little physical libido, I was noticing a mental libido of a character that was new to me. My mental sexuality was alive and very well, but in a different way. This was affecting how I looked at men. I would today identify this as a much more feminine reaction to men than I'd experienced, or at least recognized, before chemical castration.

I remember discussing with my gender therapist these female feelings in late December, but I wasn't stating that I was male-to-female. Before that, and even in some subsequent posts on the Archive, I was identifying as a eunuch or an androgynous eunuch or a eunuch with female leanings. Will the real 'me' stand up?:D

It just amazes me how rapidly I have progressed from:

1. not being willing to recognize my gender issues (up through August or September of last year), to

2. starting to accept there was something I needed to get to work on, to

3. acknowledging a gender ID 'problem' but being unwilling (or lacking in the courage) to examine it too closely (last half of October, 2007 -very heavy drinking and nightly self-harming), to

4. starting therapy at the university gender clinic in early November (while also starting Androcur), drinking and self-harming ends immediately at this point, and I immediately identified myself to therapist as a eunuch seeking castration, to

5. eunuch toward female end of things (December/January) to

6. male-to-female (first very clearly stated, without reservation, on the Archive in late January/early February -I need to check on this one). I had discussed this a few weeks earlier in therapy, although in a kind of tangential way, to

7. starting facial electrolysis, going out in public and by myself in total comfort dressed and feeling like a very female Danya and feeling very relaxed by the experience, preparing to transition to female at work. I'm hoping to start estrogen HRT by mid-April.

Considering the decades it's taken me to start to deal with my transgenderism, the pace of these changes might seem extreme. Indeed, if I look at this from my standpoint as an empirical scientist, wanting hard evidence for my conclusions, I might seriously doubt my own sanity.

For the first time in my life, I'm able to let go of some my need to be in control and to have all the 'facts' before making decisions. The control thing is likely a leftover from a childhood where I had to tightly control the perception of who I was. Similarly, I suspect that wanting only the hard, cold facts comes, at least in part, from a childhood where I know I suppressed my emotions so they wouldn't be seen and rejected as unmasculine.

I wouldn't say I'm now to the point of allowing my emotions to totally run the show. I've learned a lot, though, since this adventure in gender exploration started in November. I continue to rely on thinking to help figure out who I am. What's very new for me is that I'm paying close attention to my emotional, gut level responses to those gender explorations.

This explains how I was so easily able to stop self-harming and really heavy drinking. Those had gone on for just two weeks but I was becoming very concerned if I didn't take some action, I wouldn't be able to stop either. So the thinking part was accepting I needed to take action and then doing that. The feeling part was relief that I was at long last coming home to the person I am.

Dealing with my gender anxiety feeling allowed me to stop self-destructive behavior. No amount of thinking would have done that. Not for the long haul, anyway. I took the feeling of relief and ran with it into new territory. I was open to new possibilities.

My initial self-identification, in therapy, as a eunuch was liberating. I went with my gut feelings and explored that identity further and felt it fit. A few months earlier and I would have been terrified at the thought of admitting to anyone, let alone myself, that I am a eunuch.

Nearly five months have passed since I came to my senses and started gender therapy. I've been very open to new feelings and actually trust them when they are consistent over time. This is really a new and big deal for me. It's what enables me to trust that I'm headed in the right direction with transitioning to female. As my gender identity has evolved, my comfort level has increased as I've tested how 'right' different identities across the gender continuum feel. So, a eunuch ID was a good jumping off point for me to explore new areas.

I'm up way too late and this is too wordy

-Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Jesus, our resident scholar on all things gender-related and someone whose opinions I respect, has stated that gender is fluid. I suspect the extent of this varies among individuals and my own readings on various web sites seems to confirm it.

Although I now identify as male-to-female, really as a straight female, I'm finding there is still room for varying gender expressions even here. The happiness, contentment and inner peace with myself I feel are much stronger and consistent with this identification than any of the others I've tried on. Yet I'm starting to realize that the expression of this female identity need not itself be fixed in rigid ideas of the out-moded gender binary thinking, namely that you are either totally male or completely female.

In a blog posting, I discuss the possibility that I may never be approved for estrogen HRT and that I've accepted this, more or less, and will proceed with transitioning. Without any history of estrogen treatment, what gender ID will I really inhabit after I transition? Post-menopausal woman may not fit, since I will have never developed breasts, for instance. A eunuch with a female presentation? [I am chemically castrated.] The label won't really matter in the end. Either way, I am happiest when I am behaving in a female way and being accepted as feminine. That is what is natural for me and the outward manifestation of my inner reality.

It's very likely I will be able to get estrogen prescribed, if not by the university doctor then by another knowledgeable practitioner. Even with breast development and brain changes, there can be a wide range of expression for my identity as female. Identifying as male-to-female does not force me into a rigid role as a stereotypical woman (although to this point I have really enjoyed indulging my very feminine side). The latest Harry Benjamin Standards of Care do not insist on this or at least they are not interpreted that way by many experts.

Just as many genetic females do not conform to strict gender roles, there's no reason for a transitioning female to do so either.

I find these ideas very comforting. I've accepted that my gender is most essentially female, that I am much more female than male. I've accepted that to feel comfortable at work and in other areas of my life, I need to feel I am recognized and accepted as feminine. I'm in the process of taking action to make this happen. I can and will continue to incorporate both masculine and feminine characteristics into this new identity in a way that will work for me. How I do that is part of my ongoing discovery of who I am.

[mrt (imported)]

I think there is a set of switches that have clicked for you. In my experience sitting down with my GP to discuss my Chronic Pain issue and tell her I was now open to the idea of removals and replacements was a huge relief. Nothing was going to happen mind you but it opened the door or started me on my path. Prior to all that being told my labs and being told I was "ok" to go on HRT was another open door. And each step along the path as I got the dose right and started getting those feelings of being right again after (decades?) and feeling "male" all focused me on a positive direction.

I sense that your seeing the good people at the U has opened a door to the possibility of who you feel (and have felt) you should be. I for one share a tiny bit of that relief that things are clicking along for you and pray it all comes together for you. From everything you post you sound very "traditional" a case from what I've read. Hopefully the doctors your working with will be open to HRT / SRS or whatever you choose your path to be.

- Mr T

[Bomberpilot (imported)]

GOD bless you. I think you will never be happier. Thank you for sharing with us/me. I have chemically castrated for more than ten years and can ID with all your feelings.

BP

[estragen (imported)]

All this sounds tremendously liberating for you so it looks like full steam ahead. On a side note the resemblance between your new avatar and my grandmother on my fathers side is striking. Good luck.

[Danya (imported)]

I really appreciate everyone's input and good wishes.

As far as sharing goes, it's very therapeutic for me. Even more so when I get such kind responses.

[Danya (imported)]

From the superb book 'Conundrum', written by Jan Morris born James Morris:

"C. S. Lewis once wrote, gender is not a mere imaginative extension of sex. 'Gender is a reality, and a more fundamental reality than sex. Sex is, in fact, merely the adaptation to organic life of a fundamental polarity which divides all created beings. Female sex is simply one of the things that have feminine gender; there are many others, and Masculine and Feminine meet us on planes of reality where male and female would be simply meaningless.' "

Lewis, by the way was a Christian apologist, an expert on medieval literature and a writer of fiction like "The Chronicles of Narnia". He was also a contemporary and friend of J. R. R. Tolkien, one of my favorite authors and that based solely on "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy.

Lewis was clearly not an expert in biology, since his quote ignores the large number of life forms that reproduce asexually. Nonetheless, the point of the quote is well taken.

I ran across 'Conundrum' in my search for a book to help friends and family understand transsexuality (i.e., transgender male to female in my case) and deal with the wide range of emotions they might experience since I 'came out'. It turns out, a transsexual friend or relative can be much more difficult to understand and accept than a gay one, but I'll save that issue for another post. 'Conundrum' isn't what I sought for them but I'm finding it great reading. I may discuss this book at another time.

The book I found for my great friend, MLF #1, and perhaps for my two brothers is "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism, for Families, Friends, Coworkers and Helping Professionals", by Mildred L. Brown & Chloe Ann Rounsley. Only a chapter or two near the end deal with the reactions friends and loved ones may experience. The book was published in 1996 and I wish there were something more recent. I find the first parts of the book, which rely heavily on first person accounts of transsexual individuals of their experiences, developing awareness of their gender variance, and so on to be really intense and difficult reading for me. I relate strongly to much of what is written. I'll try to post more on this as it's also tied in with post-traaumatic stress from my assault, in a round about way.

-Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Last weekend, I fully described to a close friend on the Archive everything involved with my being assaulted in 1984 and three subsequent episodes of Post-traumatic Stress, the first of which didn’t occur until five years after I was attacked. I have described my assault elsewhere and mentioned that what made the experience extremely difficult to work through was what amounted to an on-going psychological assault by my attackers. Never before, outside of therapy sessions that ended years ago, have I described to anyone in such depth what those psychological factors were and how they affected me.

I was not at all surprised that I was crying through most of my retelling of these events. I was surprised that it took me until Thursday morning to start to feel better. The vivid, frightening memories of my attack were more difficult to work through than I would have thought possible 24 years later.

For the first time, and I think the PSTD related to my attack triggered it, I felt as though I were experiencing PSTD over my childhood gender issues. It was as if all the pain of feeling apart from everyone, of hating that puberty was changing my body into something I did not want it to be, of being emotionally rejected by my parents and peers and many other feelings that occurred over many years were condensed into a much-shortened period of intense agony.

By Thursday afternoon, I was well on my way back to normal, or at least as normal as I want to be! I actually found the unexpected intensity of my remembered childhood trauma to be reassuring but in a way I don’t need to repeat. I have been really upbeat about transitioning and have mentioned I feel like I am being reborn. A few doubts do creep in now and then for those who are transitioning. The vivid memories of my painful childhood existence, and the reasons behind it that are very clear to me now, mesh very well with those of many others who identify as ‘transsexual’. It is almost like I hear a gavel pounding on a judge’s bench with the words, “the verdict is in, transsexual as charged”.

I'll leave it as 'transgender'.

[Danya (imported)]

This is my third post on this thread tonight. I had been determined not to log onto the Archive this weekend, not until Sunday evening, anyway. There are a lot of things I need to take care of in my life. A priority right now is get my house presentable for dinner guests Saturday evening.

I'm going through a bit of my own 'Conundrum' (see entry two posts back) tonight and have been for the last week. I'm feeling more feminine and less comfortable in male clothing. For someone in my position, who really wants to go to all kinds of place as Danya, there's the inconvenient reality of needing electrolysis to eliminate my beard.

What makes this worse is that I've increased my weekly electrolysis time from 1-2 hours to 6 - 8. I'm trying really hard to make my beard much less obvious by the time I start transitioning at work. I've moved the date for that big event back three weeks into late May to give the electrologist more time to work her magic. Or is it pain, swelling and redness? Whatever, she gets the job done and I'm extremely happy with the results of the first 5 hours of her work.

So what's the problem? The problem is that I need to let my beard grow, the sections to be worked on anyway, at least 3 days, and preferably 5, between appointments. Besides, I'm not always sure what areas she'll want to work on. This means I've got to leave a fairly large area of my face hairy.

Now that I'm seeing the electrologist 3 times a week, it means there's nearly always a large patch of this itchy, hairy, bristly stuff on my face. What's worse is that the 'cleared' area is clearly delineated from the untreated hairy areas around it. People at work have got to be wondering what's going on They haven't asked and I'm not telling!

Today, I canceled my health club membership in part because of the clear indication that there's something unusual going on with my face. There's also the fact that I have been feeling increasingly out of place in the men's locker room. Somehow, I don't think the women would welcome me into their's with open arms

Then there's the likelihood the I will start estrogen in just over two weeks. After a few short months on that, how will I explain the physical changes to the guys showering with me?? Would someone help me out here?

When I was canceling the membership, the cute guy behind the counter asked me why would I do such a thing? I hesitated no more than a second before responding 'I'm transsexual and I no longer feel comfortable in the locker room'. Perhaps commendably for one who was apparently no older than 16 (OK, OK - maybe 23, absolute tops! - they all look so young to me these days), he wasn't outwardly shocked. I noticed when he handed me my copy of the cancellation form, however, that he had failed to fill in the reason next to the 'Other' cancellation box that he had checked.

I did buy an exercise bike Thursday night so I can work-out in the gender non-conforming comforts of my own home. I've found that it's essential I maintain a regular exercise schedule. That leaves me largely stress-free in an increasingly stressed-out work environment where others often seem unhappy if I'm not just as stressed as they.

This brings me back to Saturday night's dinner party for 6 friends, including my best friend and five younger folks from work of varying sexual orientations. When I'd invited them, I'd promised that Danya would be hosting. That was back in the good old days before intensive electrolysis. Like when I could have a nicely shaven face several days a week, including the weekend. And when I wouldn't be returning to a houseful of guests (my good friend will welcome them to my home) immediately after 3 straight hours of electrolysis. Now, I will also need to keep ice on the treated area for at least two hours at home. I'll be swollen, red and feeling generally unattractive. With my new situation, Danya was feeling afraid to appear.

One of the guests, who knows I write here and may read this post, questioned my decision. I'm taking some liberties here and I'm really not certain of his intentions but he has a history of getting me to exceed what I consider my comfort limits. I've always been glad when I've allowed that to happen.

So, tonight I decided Danya needs her day in the sun on Saturday. Despite the patchwork days old beard growth, Danya will show up for the electrolysis appointment. This will give her a chance to shave what beard remains after the appointment and apply a little makeup before returning home already dressed. It's likely Danya will be in blonde mode and I don't mean mentally.

I am quite proud of Danya for her willingness to go out in mid-afternoon with that obvious sign of masculinity, the beard.

-Danya

[mrt (imported)]

Danya with a beard is truly the "transition" part of your life. Just remember this is a phase that will end! Your Beard and the need to dress up as "Todd" will be a memory and you can move on with your real life.

This is a stretch but I was looking at the diary I kept for my Orchiectomy surgery and thought how ice packs, being black and blue and high on percs was my life for a while. Thats just a memory now. I'm the new improved me and its great that its not a big deal filled with drama anymore. *Well a relief anyway!

GREAT news on Estrogen. Wish my wife was taking it with you! Report back on the positive effects so I can try to talk her into it!