Question to decipher cd from TG ?

[velmamc78 (imported)]

Good evening,

I am a new member, though my husband has lurked here for years, and I did as well, at one point.

My husband has told me for years about his lifelong feeling that he was meant to be something, then came cross dressing in private and over the last few years has graduated into him looking into a therapist and sex reassignment surgery. At first, I thought this a fantasy of his, but it seems to be much deeper. He said that at one time he thought there was a thread or story on here where the differences between cd and tg was...

could someone help me out. Is there a questionairre?

Thank you !

Velma

[dometoo (imported)]

In some people, cross dressing occasionally is enough.

In others, it seems to awaken their desire to actually become the other gender.

I have seen a link to a page showing that no one is 100% male/female, heterosexual/homosexual. But I don't rember the URL.

[Hildy_ (imported)]

As far as I know, crossdressing is more about pretending. A (male, 'cause it's always about men ) crossdresser may think "cool, I'm actually a man but I see this woman in the mirror, how neat!" Some crossdressers may even go a bit further and go out as a woman, which is called transvestism. Others may simply feel more comfortable expressing a more feminine side of their personality if they're dressed. But most apparently simply do it because they get aroused by it. So for crossdressers it's mainly something that's fun to do, a form of gender euphoria.

Transgenderism or transsexuality is more about being. Someone who is transsexual is simply very uncomfortable with large aspects of their birth gender. The mirror test is a good one; most transsexuals will, even when dressed as their birth gender, almost always have this feeling they're actually supposed to see someone of the other gender. Disliking ones body or feeling it doesn't belong to one is also a major aspect of it. The clincial term for this is gender dysphoria.

Some people have mild gender dysphoria which can be compensated for by eg. removing their body hair (or maybe letting it grow in the case of gender dysphoric biological women?) or the occasional crossdressing (which about 80% of transsexuals do). Others have to go "all the way" to feel comfortable in their own skin. Gender dysphoria also tends to become stronger as one ages, so someone who may think that "oh, it's not so bad, I'm still sorta androgynous" at 25 may be knocking on the doors of the local gender identity clinic at 35.

Does that answer your question?

[velmamc78 (imported)]

Thank you so much.

Here is what I know from our discussions (they are steadily getting more in depth as the years and even months progress)

He felt different when he was 4-5 yrs old, but couldn't pinpoint what it was

that made him feel different. He didn't associate with his brothers (there were no sisters, only 4 brothers)

He grew, and generally acted like an average boy then man. He didn't go

out with the "guys" he preferred to stay home, even after marriage after we had children he wasn't really into "men" things (fishing, outdoors, football,etc..) Somewhere after our marriage it came out that he felt better when wearing women's clothing. Behind closed doors he wears his women's clothing, and while we are on certain private vacations.

He looks like a man and I have read a lot that stated that most tg have feminine traits, well..he really doesn't. He looks like a man, crosses his legs like a man, though he tends to stand more womanly the rest of the tip-offs are not there. (I mean no disrespect in that, at all...only repeating the last thing I read)

I am more dominant, (have no submissive bone in my body) and over the years would dominate him dressing him as a woman complete with removal of body hair, wigs...make-up, the whole nine yard (frankly,he couldn't pass as a woman even with this 100%) but, the more in depth this went, the more he would mention a feeling of belonging and yearning that only the last 2 yrs have been really delved into.

He really does not have the demeanor to talk to anyone who has experience in this. Though I did do a search for a therapist who specializes in gender identity and (wonderul or the bible belt, huh?) There is NOT one in Mississippi that I have been able to find so far.

Even though I feel the desire of having a man, he has not been that to me in a long time, and I want to support him in his search for who he is. I am not abandoning him in this. I had recommended him beginning a hormone regime, though wanted him to seek therapy first, but where do we turn from here?

[mrt (imported)]

I think talking to your husbands doctor about this might be a good idea to start with. The Doctor maybe able to find a good therapy person to talk to about this. Then once they diagnose it as a transgenderism they can move to hormone therapy. You will want a GP involved to do monitoring of the Hormone levels to adjust dose and you need them to keep an eye on his liver function etc to make sure its working right and not harming him.

I've read posts by people who try to do this on their own. I suggest you don't. It can be dangerous and you need to do this under a doctors approval if you want to move forward. *Plus I think its too easy to mix up the hormone therapy and have it be ineffective. Honest - Its really not that unusual to have this problem and there is a straightforward medical plan to solve it.

If seeing the current MD about this is out I would search out the large Universities with medical programs. You want to get a good doctor with experience in this area and its far more likely you will find one at a larger facility then small town GPs and such. Make a few phone calls. Ask to speak to the Triage nurses and spell out the problem ahead of time to avoid wasting time with Doctors who don't know anything about it or have little experience.

BTW there is at least one expert in your state that deals with this (and I'm sure more) I don't know how far away Gulfport is but give her a call...

Mississippi

Lydia XXXXXXX R.N., L.C.S.W.

Gulfport, MS

XXX-XXX-XXXX

Please do not list anyone's name or address without prior permission. If they have web sites, link that. Privacy issues have to be respected

Anyway if Lydia doesn't work out call those U hospitals and say, "My husband believes he is transgendered and we would like to speak to someone about this. Are there any doctors or therapists on staff that are expert in this type of thing?" Some are going to say "Nope" and this is good. You saved time not seeing them. At some point you will get a response "Yes, Dr Smith does this and she can see him on the 8th"

From the things I've read - knowing your transgendered at a very young age is a good sign this is real and not just a sexual kink or fetish. You will want to get him with a mental health person to insure that he is healthy and that transition is right and "oked" by a medical person.

A book that might be of value in your situation is "She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband" also Transition and Beyond, Observations On Gender Identity and Head over Heels: Wives Who Stay With Cross-Dressers and Transsexuals and My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser

The Actual surgery is done in a variety of locations and many travel far and wide to get it done by experts. A couple of places to check out are

Dr Marci Bowers

http://marcibowers.com/grs/gender.html

Dr Gary Alter

www.altermd.com/md.htm

Dr Reed

http://www.srsmiami.com/

Dr Meltzer

http://www.tmeltzer.com/

Thank you so much.

Here is what I know from our discussions (they are steadily getting more in depth as the years and even months progress)

He felt different when he was 4-5 yrs old, but couldn't pinpoint what it was

that made him feel different. He didn't associate with his brothers (there were no sisters, only 4 brothers)

He grew, and generally acted like an average boy then man. He didn't go

out with the "guys" he preferred to stay home, even after marriage after we had children he wasn't really into "men" things (fishing, outdoors, football,etc..) Somewhere after our marriage it came out that he felt better when wearing women's clothing. Behind closed doors he wears his women's clothing, and while we are on certain private vacations.

He looks like a man and I have read a lot that stated that most tg have feminine traits, well..he really doesn't. He looks like a man, crosses his legs like a man, though he tends to stand more womanly the rest of the tip-offs are not there. (I mean no disrespect in that, at all...only repeating the last thing I read)

I am more dominant, (have no submissive bone in my body) and over the years would dominate him dressing him as a woman complete with removal of body hair, wigs...make-up, the whole nine yard (frankly,he couldn't pass as a woman even with this 100%) but, the more in depth this went, the more he would mention a feeling of belonging and yearning that only the last 2 yrs have been really delved into.

He really does not have the demeanor to talk to anyone who has experience in this. Though I did do a search for a therapist who specializes in gender identity and (wonderul or the bible belt, huh?) There is NOT one in Mississippi that I have been able to find so far.

Even though I feel the desire of having a man, he has not been that to me in a long time, and I want to support him in his search for who he is. I am not abandoning him in this. I had recommended him beginning a hormone regime, though wanted him to seek therapy first, but where do we turn from here?

[velmamc78 (imported)]

Thank you! I did try to call lydia but her number is disconnected and I couldn't locate her through the directory. I was able to locate a therapist in

louisiana and he is willing to see my husband.

Thank you for recommending the books, I have dealt with a lot of insecurities and feelings of my own inadequacies since this began and would love to read about others who have gone through this and what or how they feel and deal with it.

Since we have never contacted anyone to talk with about this, I was wondering, do you know if $80 for a 45 minute session, is that average and considered good?

[gpb3aol (imported)]

This is a site you (two) should look at, it was great help for me.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TsDoItYourselfHormones/ on yahoo groups.

Thank you so much.

Here is what I know from our discussions (they are steadily getting more in depth as the years and even months progress)

He felt different when he was 4-5 yrs old, but couldn't pinpoint what it was

that made him feel different. He didn't associate with his brothers (there were no sisters, only 4 brothers)

He grew, and generally acted like an average boy then man. He didn't go

out with the "guys" he preferred to stay home, even after marriage after we had children he wasn't really into "men" things (fishing, outdoors, football,etc..) Somewhere after our marriage it came out that he felt better when wearing women's clothing. Behind closed doors he wears his women's clothing, and while we are on certain private vacations.

He looks like a man and I have read a lot that stated that most tg have feminine traits, well..he really doesn't. He looks like a man, crosses his legs like a man, though he tends to stand more womanly the rest of the tip-offs are not there. (I mean no disrespect in that, at all...only repeating the last thing I read)

I am more dominant, (have no submissive bone in my body) and over the years would dominate him dressing him as a woman complete with removal of body hair, wigs...make-up, the whole nine yard (frankly,he couldn't pass as a woman even with this 100%) but, the more in depth this went, the more he would mention a feeling of belonging and yearning that only the last 2 yrs have been really delved into.

He really does not have the demeanor to talk to anyone who has experience in this. Though I did do a search for a therapist who specializes in gender identity and (wonderul or the bible belt, huh?) There is NOT one in Mississippi that I have been able to find so far.

Even though I feel the desire of having a man, he has not been that to me in a long time, and I want to support him in his search for who he is. I am not abandoning him in this. I had recommended him beginning a hormone regime, though wanted him to seek therapy first, but where do we turn from here?

[mrt (imported)]

Thank you! I did try to call lydia but her number is disconnected and I couldn't locate her through the directory. I was able to locate a therapist in

louisiana and he is willing to see my husband.

Thank you for recommending the books, I have dealt with a lot of insecurities and feelings of my own inadequacies since this began and would love to read about others who have gone through this and what or how they feel and deal with it.

Since we have never contacted anyone to talk with about this, I was wondering, do you know if $80 for a 45 minute session, is that average and considered good?

I wish I was more of an expert on this. Shrink time is Expensive I've seen one once pre my Orchiectomy to insure I wasn't kooky. $80 sounds pretty reasonable to me. Sister K was in this Biz and would be better able to answer this type of question. Look, I really don't have any first hand knowledge about being TS but I do have experience with sexual problems. Ed/Impotence etc. And a lot (most) of the wives in my support group tend to blame themselves. This is almost always wrong. This is a "medical" problem not a reflection on how great you are etc. I feel very strongly that people who are transgendered are also "medical" not doing it to make anyone feel bad etc. I think my gay friends said it best when one said "If you think I would choose this life for the fun of it your nuts!" Maybe my own trials and tribulations to get my hormones "correct" for me makes me feel more empathy for transgendered people? I dunno. But I understand that need to feel "male" in my case and how lousy / wrong I felt when I had low Testosterone.

If there is anything I can do. Ask!

[mrt (imported)]

This is a site you (two) should look at, it was great help for me.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TsDoItYourselfHormones/ on yahoo groups.

I want to raise my hand and politely disagree.... I would suggest not doing hormone replacement yourself. A doctor should have no problem prescribing it and monitoring things like Liver function etc to insure your husband stays healthy and gets the best combination for transition.

I'm also very concerned about no prescription off shore "drugs" after seeing the 60 minutes piece about "factories" putting out sheetrock tablets with no drug whatsoever in fake pill bottles.

[Tracy1980 (imported)]

Hi Velma. I can give you some of my own personal story, as I am currently a transitioning male to female 28 years-old. For so long, I identified as a gay male because my sexual preference is men only. Two years ago, I did start to crossdress in private, not by myself for personal sexual arousal, but because guys would come over who liked crossdressers to be with me. I liked being treated like a woman. In my sexual past, I would always simulate being the woman with sexual partners, and to now crossdress made me feel all the more "woman." I started gender therapy and was diagnosed as transgender and put on cross-gender hormones (testosterone blockers and estrogens). I love the effects that my body has undergone in the last year. Lessening of body hair, softer skin, breast growth, and redistribution of body fat to more female form. I have also been able to clear most of my facial hair with electrolysis and laser hair removal. I do go out in public now in women's clothing full-time, but the clothing is very casual (women's jeans, blouses, shirts, etc. Nothing fancy like dresses, skirts, etc.)

The question I have recently been deciding is whether or not I want genital reassignment surgery. At first, the idea of having a vagina like a woman was so wonderful, to good to be true, and I wanted to go in that direction. But I have recently decided against this surgery, and I will tell you why. I am not really that passable as a woman. My voice is more male than female, I am 6ft tall, I have broad shoulders, and my hair does not really grow that long but is better shorter. I sort of look like a pretty boy with no body or facial hair, soft skin, and breast development. If I had started my transition pre-puberty and evolved into a very passable female, then I probably would have done the surgery. The surgery I have now decided to go for is an orchiectomy. Because I have two therapists who have been witnessing my gender transitioning in the past months, after they assess me for a year, they should write my approval letters to get an orchiectomy by a qualified surgeon who legally would need to see those letters in order to perform the surgery. I am excited to get the orchiectomy, as my testosterone will be naturally depleted, and I will not have to worry about taking testosterone blockers anymore, and I can reduce my estrogen intake to safer long-term levels.

Overally, I think what I have realized in my gender journey is that as I started to treat my body dysphoria with hormones, the need to get a vagina lessened. I think I am beginning to think more like those people who have said gender is more in-between the ears than in-between the legs. My friends and family know what I am going through, and they treat me like a woman. They also call me "she" rather than "he." But everyone is different. Some individuals, even in my case of not being that passable, may still feel a strong compulsion to undergo the genital surgery. I guess we all need to find our own places along the gender spectrum.

Tracy