punkypink (imported) wrote: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:31 pm
ooo coincidence. im 25 and almost a half as well
Can i just say im not so sure about fantasies of becoming a woman because it sounds a bit like autogynephilia and we all know wot a big hoo ha that has in the TS community atm.
Anyways, may I ask if u've started any transition yet? Don't despair even if you haven't. I've lived as a girl fulltime for 3 years now and I've not even done any hormones or had any kind of surgery.
As I've mentioned in my intro, I've fully accepted that this will be the body(and genitals) I have for now, and I'm going to like it because this is the only body I will ever have. It doesnt stop me from being a girl or living as one, and until I actually am able to improve on this body, theres no point letting it hold me back from enjoying life in all its forms. I like strawberry ice-cream, but just cuz someone gave me chocolate ice-cream by mistake doesnt mean im not gonna eat it.
Autogynephilia: I hadn't heard the term before, but having just checked what it means, I can assure you that's not the case. I don't get turned on by the thought of me as a woman, but the thought of me with a sexual partner does. It just happens that in my head, I always am female. The partners gender for the most part is also female, but - for a lack of a better term - 'straight sex' is also something I've dreamed about.
The reference to masturbating as a woman was in regards to being the closest I've come to any act of pleasuring myself - which seeing as I haven't the appropriate genitalia is something somewhat restricted to my head. The actual fantasy of doing such is not a pervading one.
Most often, it is just being female in my mind with no sexual connotations, just a feeling of comfort - if that makes any sense. The fact I just loathe and detest having a penis, doesn't help with my general mood, as it's a part of me I currently have to live with. I can't pretend it's not there, so every time I'm reminded I have one ( getting dressed, having a shower, etc ), I just feel despair.
No, I've not started any transition sadly. Mostly because I still need to tell my parents ( who I live with ) and having no safety net if things go wrong. I have a very small family; essentially just me, my parents, my sister and my paternal grandmother. If I lose them, I literally have no one.
I keep trying to reassure myself that they'll be understanding, but I just freeze when I have the chance to tell them.
In regards to enjoying life, there are maybe a few too many circumstances that limit my ability to do so. Depression, panic attacks, Aspergers, and general social phobias tend to hold me back. Not to mention my aforementioned dislike of my genitalia which as stated before, I really want to have nothing to do with. Having felt that way since the age of 6 ( at which time there were no sexual reasons to want to be a girl ), I can't say I know why I have always felt so sure I was born the wrong gender.
It's always been made more complicated by having fancied females from such a young age ( my first kiss was about this time, and although it may have just been a clumsy peck, in my mind it was as passionate as one could imagine ).
Apologies if some of this seems cyclical and/or just sounds wrong, but a combination of not being overly awake, and struggling to find the eloquence to best express my feelings, is taking its toll.
Technically, I most love cunnilingus but I have not enjoyed that is 16 years.So maybe this could be a viable option for other heterosexual men in the West? Its not as expensive as many think it is. The only problem I can see some of the men here having, is a number of those women want children, as their men over there don't. So a number of those women interested in Western guys, are looking to have kids and that is even the main reason for some women there. However, on my trip last January, there was an endless supply of very attractive women in their 40s who are too old for kids now anyway.
