I didn't want to post because it clearly shows that sometimes my mind is in a turmoil and I have difficulty dealing with things! Generally, I have been very happy since I started Androcur Nov 2, 2007. Usually, I'm emotionally and psychologically sound. Really! Actually, it's the fact that I've never experienced such happiness (and I'm not referring to the over-happy, painful mania I get now and then) that tells me I'm heading in the right direction.
None of these things are true tonight and I absolutely hate admitting this in public, at least so blatantly. I've gotten much more comfortable with less blatant!
I don't like to reveal any weakness. This goes back to my childhood. Any expression that I was in any way different from all the other boys was totally unacceptable to my father. Being different was being weak. Just saying 'Dad, I'm different from all the other boys' got me a stern reprimand of 'No, don't ever say that, you're exactly like all the boys.'
If Plix (and DonFL) hadn't written a response to my blog postand shown concern, this post wouldn't be here and we'd all be much happier!
I'm going to say some things now that I haven't before. I've strongly hinted that I now feel that I may be male to female. Truth is, I now feel that this is absolutely true.
I want to make something very clear here. When I started Androcur I didn't feel this way at all and simply felt not male. That was sufficient and I was happy. I cannot thank enough those like Jesus and Kristoff who have provided me invaluable help in increasing my understanding of who I am. They got me started down this road and continue to be terrific, as have many other on the Archive.
It's because of this understanding and encouragement, that I've felt even more confident in being who I am. It's just now I'm finding who I am is male to female. As the weeks have gone by, my emotions have changed just as many have reported with chemical castration. Mine just went off in a direction I hadn't planned on. I didn't want to believe it at first. This M2F gender is now extremely clear to me. Perhaps that is M2Female Eunuch?
In the past, I've often gone in directions that therapists, for instance, didn't recommend. In the end, they realized I actually knew what I was doing and they got it.
I am very capable of determining what is best for me.What concerns me is that I wasn't clear enough on this when I met with the university endocrinologist this morning. I'm on a high dose of prednisone for an asthma attack. Prednisone causes some depression. That's what I was feeling this morning along with being generally out of it, not being able to breathe well, things like that.
I'm very upset that the endo feels the need (although perhaps this is standard procedure) to talk with her staff before giving me estrogen. She needs to do this for 'harm reduction'. Is the problem that I wasn't clear enough on male to female? I didn't state I would go for SRS. The most upsetting part is that her staff won't meet until March and I won't see the endo again until April!
The jumbled thoughts going through my brain tonight are things like: I won't get any estrogen, there's no hope, there's no use telling anyone else I'm transgender because nothing will ever happen, I might as well quit the program at the U. Generally, I haven't felt this way at all.
Here is what I was going to post on my blog in response to Plix's response (so you will see I mention his name several times):
My thoughts are a bit jumbled on the visit because I'm upset about it. When I saw her I was feeling out of it from the prednisone I'm on for an asthma attack. I felt when I was with her that I wasn't as clearly stating my case as I usually do. I clearly told her I realized I had never been gay and I'm almost 95% certain I told her I now knew I was female. [I had not intended to go into this on the Archive yet, but that's OK
] I explained how open I'd been at work and elsewhere about being transgender. I said I wanted breasts. I even described last night's fireworks sex experience, something I've never had before in my life. I did not commit to SRS but did not go into an explanation for why. There are many transsexual women who do not go through SRS. Some can't afford it.I was totally honest about earlier self-harming behavior and how that had immediately stopped after I started treatment at the U. I knew I was becoming the real me.
I definitely said I had no concern about retaining any erectile function. She'd questioned me on this because she said some clients thought this was something that could be easily accomplished.
I was slightly concerned about getting breasts that would be too large!
She said they could make some adjustments to the dose but it certainly isn't an exact science.We even got to the point that she explained she'd recommend the estroderm patch for me. She prefers the patch over the injection because it maintains a more constant level of E.
Now that I think about it, I think a big conern for her was my father's having had multiple heart attacks and strokes. I wish I'd told her my father had been a heavy smoker. She does know that I never smoked.
She does want to do a lipid profile after I've been on the spiro for 2 - 3 weeks, along with other tests including T. I've had a history of high triglycerides but those have been under control for years with medication. She doesn't want me to have more than three alcoholic drinks a week, because they can raise lipids.
We talked about the increased risk for clotting, breast cancer, etc. I answered that I was so glad to finally have found myself that I'd accept the risks. It seems to me this last statement would have made it clear I was saying I was female. Yes, she did ask about surgery and I said I didn't know about SRS but possibly castration. She responded that castration would make the amount of E needed less and lower the risks she's concerned about.
I feel like I royally screwed up this visit, which I've waited at least 6 weeks for.
If the U doesn't approve this, there is no place else that will and I'm not feeling at all confident that things will then work out.
My gender therapist had said I was free to experiment with hormones in any way I wanted to figure things out. I've got to assume she's familiar with the way the medical department views these things. She of course knew that the endo would want me to switch me from Androcur to spironolactone. I do really feel female now and I haven't wanted to bluntly discuss this here, yet. I've hinted at it quite strongly, though, in posts.
Tonight has been a more intense experience than I had when I thought I'd have to go back to my male self because of the osteoporosis diagnosis. I've spent a lot of time crying.
I wanted to write more on this on the Archive but I feel like I'm being weak and irrational and I don't like people to see that (see, I can be really foolish sometimes). I also don't like feeling that I need other people - really dumb - the fact is I do need the people on the Archive. I'm supposed to be always strong and psychologically together. No room for any self-doubt or hint of anxiety here. I am in fact generally psychologically sound though, which is what has been so great through all this. I just don't feel at all that way tonight.
Right now, I don't have a good feeling about any of this. I've felt terrific about telling people who I am at work and elsewhere. I have told several in the last week that I'd finally figured out I am MtoF. Tonight, though, I feel like 'what's the use' nothing will ever come of all this. I don't want to tell anyone else now. It just doesn't matter.
Despite the doom and gloom I'm expressing here, I'm hopeful that tomorrow I'll recover with the help of exercise and relaxation. I'm determined not to let this get me down but tonight I just have to muddle through.
I will see my gender therapist Monday and discuss all this with her. Right now, I feel like I may just drop out of the program. I absolutely hate writing these things! I'm letting people see way too much of the turmoil I occasionally experience.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset with you, Plix, or anyone else. In a way, these are the kinds of things I intended to write in a thread but didn't have the nerve to do. So, Plix, you've helped me do that and I think it will turn out to be a good thing.
I'm just emotionally worn out and I need to be gentle with myself.
-Danya
