Crisis time - no energy to think things through

[Danya (imported)]

My life has been really hectic over the last 3 weeks, with intense software training and time spent at night and weekends catching up on my regular work. All of this over-work has finally caught up with me. I've got nothing left beyond an all-pervasive feeling of exhaustion that won't leave. It lets go for a few hours but quickly returns. I don't feel like I'm depressed, just really tired and with good reason.

Within the last few weeks I've gotten the news that I've got both osteoporosis and Bipolar II disorder. If I'm feeling rested, I don't dwell on this information. Now, though, the fact that I've got these conditions is nagging me.

I can't see ever returning to male again, from being a chemically castrated eunuch. When I'm rested, I know I'm on the right path. I was never really male.

I've posted many times about how happy I've been (and that is true) since I started Androcur and began the program with the gender clinic in early November. It still involves a major adjustment to my self-concept. When I'm rested, I seem to be working through my changing self-image very well. Now I simply want to leave my self-concept exactly where it is. I don't have the energy to deal with a changing image of myself.

At times, I think it would be simpler to be male to female rather than male to eunuch. There's a clear path for the M2F transition. M2E isn't so clear to me because I don't believe there's a single expression of what it means to be a eunuch. Normally, I feel the ambiguity of eunuch is fine and figuring out where I fit there is part of the adventure. Right now, I just want someone to hand me the answer. I know that is unrealistic and won't happen.

Today, I more or less feel 'who gives a damn?'. If I'm this tired, does it really matter what I do? All I'm concerned about is getting enough rest. To hell with the rest of it.

Tomorrow afternoon, I see my gender therapist for the first time in over a month. I need to form a clear understanding with her of where I want to go because I see the gender clinic endocrinologist in about two weeks. Will I have the energy to think clearly tomorrow?

When I see the endocrinologist, I want to be able to discuss my situation intelligently. There are decisions to be made, like do I take any kind of hormone replacement to help combat osteoporosis. Of course, any hormone would have to be estrogen. I'm androgynous, and likely more to the female side of that, so a small amount of E may be fine in other ways. My body will block the action of testosterone as long as I remain on Androcur. Besides, for now at least, I don't want testosterone. I may view things differently later and want some T replacement.

These options are all very confusing to me today and seem too complex to figure out. Right now, I don't feel up to forming a clear understanding of anything at all.

What I really need is a real break from work of two to three days so I can recuperate from doing way too much. I'll talk with my boss about it but it's unlikely I can get time off from work this week.

I need to exercise and have some fun. I'll try to get to the gym later in the day, but not so late as to interfere with my getting a good night's sleep.

The fun part, though, may not happen. I have so many things to do at home that I don't know where to begin handling it all.

I realize that, even with all the stuff to get done in the house, I need to make it my top priority to rest and relax. All of the chores and obligations will have to wait until I'm feeling back to normal.

[DonFL (imported)]

I think you may try the lowest level of estrogen and see if that gives you a bit of a perk without highly feminizing you. speak to your endo about it and your gender therapist.

[Danya (imported)]

Thanks for the suggestion, Don. I will definitely check into that.

I think another piece of the puzzle here is the mood stabilizer I'm taking to help control hypomania. My psychiatrist, whom I'll see Tuesday, wanted me to get back on this. I started out taking it in the evening only for several days, as prescribed. I had no difficulties from that. Friday was the first day I was to add a pill in the morning.

The effect was immediately obvious to the course instructor, who very shortly after I arrived in class mentioned how quiet I was. The shrink tells me that my body will gradually adjust to this drug. I don't doubt that he knows his stuff but maybe the dosage needs to be adjusted down some.

Earlier, I'd been prescribed a different mood stabilizer. A single dose of that left me feeling in a stupor. At first, I thought this might be a placebo effect. The shrink disagreed, saying one pill could very well have left me feeling that way.

There are a number of effects going on simultaneously here. Sorting them out is difficult. I now think that my moods may once again be too stabilized! I'm left with little emotion about anything. I don't like that.

I am genuinely tired from the long work hours. I've experienced this through my different careers when similar things have gone on, so this isn't something new to me with low T, although I'm sure that's contributing to the problem.

My tentative conclusion is: rest up, exercise and get the damn mood stabilizer adjusted.

[kennath7 (imported)]

Todd my sister is bipolar one of the meds she takes has a side effect that causes depression : too me it sounds like you may be experiencing a mild form of depression

Mixed with anxiety make some quiet time for your self take time to smell the roses

Go for a walk where your by your self and relax but most of all if you feel like your

Loosing control of your life go to a DR. or good friend

To make sure your safe

[Danya (imported)]

Thanks for your caring response, Kennath. I've just been reading up on the side-effects or the mood stabilizer I'm on. Two of them are somnolence ('falling asleep') and fatigue. This is what I've been experiencing.

All day in class Friday I was struggling to keep my eyes open. The instructor joked that he hadn't seen my eyes open all afternoon!

Driving home from Chicago yesterday, I thought I'd have to find a motel near the mid-point. I just felt that I was having too much trouble staying awake. I never have problems like this on a relatively short, six-hour trip. Several cups of coffee fixed things.

There maybe some mild depression involved. Just the side effects could cause me to feel a bit depressed

I'll have a nice soak in the tub tonight to relax. I've decided that I'm going to cut tomorrow morning's dose in half. I need to be able to do my job.

I totally agree with you on seeing a doctor or friend if I should feel like I'm losing control. This can be dangerous and I need to be careful.

Thanks again.

[IbPervert (imported)]

1) talk to your professor privately and explain the medication issue about being tired all the time...keep it brief and to the point no since in brining up eunuch issues...i have found that professors are very understanding if your open with them

2) Since your struggling with depression, bipolar 2, etc... think about applying for permanent disability status. Hear in California they have a temporary disability status of one year...your state my be different...and it can two or three years to get on SSI.

Something to think about....

also, think about bring your boss privately into the picture about your medications....i would not get into why your taking them, but simply say your on med's that are starting to affect you...they might be more understanding.

[JoaoGenerico (imported)]

Learn to be a little beware of your own motivations -- I am bipolar too, and I learned to avoid making unusual decisions when I am on hypomania.

When I had my first strong hypomanic crisis, I went into debt (nothing big, but big enough to scare me). Since then, as soon as I identify hypomania, I only shop for groceries and shut the wallet for everything else. (One Saturday, a few years ago, compulsion got uncontrollable. I left all money and credit cards at home and went to the mall just to see and touch the products -- I spent 8 hours examining every possible stuff there was to buy, but fortunately didn't spend a dime. Tell me about aversion therapy! It was so exhausting that my shopping addiction has been under control since then.)

How does this apply to me, I hear you cry. Well, try to figure out if your decisions right now come really from yourself or from the mania. And if I may give you an advice, be a little conservative on your decisions at this time, at least until hypomania is over.

[erikboy (imported)]

I personally have been on very tight scedule. That even with high T got so tired I thought my heart is going to stop soon if I wont ease my daily work program. I really felt like a squirrel in the wheel - trapped. No way out.

I started to run every morning at 7am (it was always hurry and typically late for everything despite my efforts) And I finally got to sleep at 3am with the feeling that half of planned things were not completed.

Soon i started to feel like zombie. I didn't know what for I was doing all this. I just knew that things had to be done.

Later I looked at my friend who is working in a very high position, and how he is planning his time.

first, he valued his time, which I didn't. For me it was difficult if not possible to say 'NO! - I have no time for this'

He valued his free time, if he needed rest, then he didn't even answer to calls of his closest friends - Idea is simple, if you are not rested your ability to create anithing is low, you are in a bad mood and there is little use of you anyway. So, getting rested whatever is the cost is his main principle.

And when he is at work - his ability to concentrate, decide and his will power is amazing.

I am trying to learn of his experience, but it is difficult. I know.

What can I suggest, get rested whatever is the cost!!!

Have more time for your self! It is a must if you want to keep yourself sane.

you have to drop some less important things wrom your todo list. Or at least postpone. If you are rested, your effectivness will be much higher too.

[Danya (imported)]

I really appreciate all your input and concern. These kinds of responses on the Archive never cease to amaze me. You are wonderful people.

I'll respond more fully tomorrow night, when I hope to be more energetic! I want to get to bed early and get up a little earlier than normal to exercise.

kirit

[Danya (imported)]

I had trouble doing my job yesterday and I didn't see that today would be any different. So, I stayed home from work today.

It was 12:30 PM by the time I got up. I'm feeling back to my old self now. Things start to look a little crazy or 'not right' to me if I go too many days without enough rest.

When people take the time here to provide their caring input, I like to respond to each one. I've already done that with some of the first responses. I'll catch the rest of you now BTW, responding to folks on the Archive is high on my list of priorities.

IbPervert - There's no need for me to talk with the instructor as that was the last of a series of three one-week courses. I'm not having the depression part of bipolar II and hope not to. My depression's been in remission for months. I can always come back, but I'm hopeful that won't happen.

I'm not at the point where I need temporary disability and I enjoy going to work. My boss knows all about my medications, including why I'm taking them. He's a great boss and is very understanding. Turns out he's confided in me that he's had depression issues much of his adult life. He's also aware of my transgender status and is extremely supportive.

So, you're right! If I hadn't told my boss, I would by now at least want to tell him some meds are giving me problems.

Tclosetgirl - I had tried cutting back from 100 mg to 50 mg/day Androcur before. The first five days went fine. After that, I started to feel some of my male self returning and I was really unhappy with that. Those feelings went on for about a week while I waited for more Androcur to arrive. When the post office delivered the new shipment on a Saturday, I felt like I'd been handed the fountain of youth.

I haven't been depressed but the low energy part can be a problem if I let it. When I keep up with regular exercise, though, I feel just as energetic as I did before I started chemical castration.

I will see the transgender clinic endocrinologist for the first time on Feb 11. It's possible I may start a small dose of estrogen, not at a male to female transition level, but enough to help with my osteoporosis. That may also help with the energy. Besides, if I wind up taking some estrogen, I imagine I can then cut back on Androcur without the unpleasant T stuff returning.

I told my best friend last night that I had not answered her Sunday evening call because I was exhausted. She had suspected I was too busy on the Archive for her! If I'm up and doing anything at all, I will always speak with her. Not even the Archive comes before that. She's fine with my explanation, though, that sometimes I'm just to exhausted to talk.

JoaoGenerico - the hypomania is history, for now. I saw my psychiatrist today. I very much appreciate your advice from your personal experience. Leaving credit cards home and just going out looking is a terrific idea. I like to shop, especially for clothes (and now jewelry, too - it's that androgynous part of me coming out more). I think it's a great idea even for when I'm not having hypomania.

Although the hypomania was only diagnosed after I was on low T, I suspect there was always some of that going on. The same symptoms were there years ago, at times. They just weren't as pronounced as recently.

erikboy - I, too, felt like my heart was going to stop. I was really worried that my body couldn't handle the continuing high stress level.

I've also had to deal with feelings of frustration at not finishing everything I would like. Until very recently, and particularly when experiencing hypomania, I'd stay up until 2, 3 or even 4 AM and then get up for work at 7! Not good at all.

You are absolutely correct. Learning to say 'NO' is important. When I'm on a regular, sensible sleeping schedule, saying no isn't usually a problem for me. Last week at training (for which my company was paying thousands of dollars) I just had to stick it out. Things I did in the evening for my 'day job' couldn't be done by anyone else. This is the one really bad thing about my workplace, at least for me. There is no one who can do what I do if I'm not there. That's too much pressure for me. I'm working with my boss to see how we might change this.

One decision I've had to make lately is to sign off the Archive earlier in the evenings than I'm used to or would like. It's important, as you say, to get enough rest. Part of that is unwinding. As much as I enjoy the Archive, I find it more exciting than relaxing So, now I try to soak in the tub and read a book before getting to bed by 10 or 10:30 PM.

I'm working on dropping less essential things from my to-do list. My problem is, I enjoy doing too many things. That's the way it goes, though. None of us can do everything we might like. This is an on-going challenge for me.

It means a great deal to me that all of you took the time to respond, including those earlier responders! I feel like I'm really cared for here.

-Danya