For all of you contemplating taxes, the 2008 elections, the Britney Spears photographs, proposal writing, or some other unpleasant thought process, these may provide some opportunity for venting. By definition, none of these are new, but they will always be classic.
There was a time when the English language was used brilliantly. The following glorious insults are of an era when a clever turn of phrase was still valued, before a large portion of our language succumbed to four-letter ignorance.
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An exchange between Winston Churchill and Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison."
He replied, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."
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Parliament member Gladstone to Benjamin Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
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"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
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"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill
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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
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"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
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"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
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"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
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"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham Lincoln
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"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
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"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
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"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend.... if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night. Will attend second... if there is one." Winston Churchill, in response.
*°*°*°*°*
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
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He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
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"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
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"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
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"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up" Paul Keating
*°*°*°*°*
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. " Jack E. Leonard
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"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." Robert Redford
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"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed
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"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand
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"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
*°*°*°*°*
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain
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"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
*°*°*°*°*
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts, for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
*°*°*°*°*
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
*°*°*°*°*
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
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(=°:°=)
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Insults with style
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JesusA (imported)
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tugon (imported)
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markdf (imported)
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Re: Insults with style
English is such a wonderful language, for those with the wit to use it.
Any fans of Douglas Adams in the house? You know what I'm talking about.
Any fans of Douglas Adams in the house? You know what I'm talking about.
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colin (imported)
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Re: Insults with style
A couple more:
Winston Churchill was stopped in the Lobby of the House of Commons by Socialist MP Bessie Braddock (who was built like a brick shithouse) with the words "Winston, you're drunk!". To which he replied, "Bessie, you are ugly - but tomorrow I will be sober".
Someone (I cannot remember who) about Thomas and Mary Carlyle: "Their marriage makes me believe that God made it in heaven. Thereby saving two other people from lives of misery!"
Of course Sir Thomas Beecham is also well known for a well turned insult. When asked if he knew about Stockhausen he is reputed to have replied, "Stockhausen? Stockhausen? - I think I trod in some once!"
- To a female cellist who was having difficulty with a piece they were rehearsing: "You have between your legs something capable of giving man the greatest of delights, and all you can do is sit there and scratch it".
One of the most crushing is that attributed to Dame Ninette DeValois (One of the founders of the Royal Ballet). After a performance in which the standin was required to take the prima-ballerinas part at short notice she told the aspiring dancer: "Well, my dear. You have had your big chance - and missed it!"
Winston Churchill was stopped in the Lobby of the House of Commons by Socialist MP Bessie Braddock (who was built like a brick shithouse) with the words "Winston, you're drunk!". To which he replied, "Bessie, you are ugly - but tomorrow I will be sober".
Someone (I cannot remember who) about Thomas and Mary Carlyle: "Their marriage makes me believe that God made it in heaven. Thereby saving two other people from lives of misery!"
Of course Sir Thomas Beecham is also well known for a well turned insult. When asked if he knew about Stockhausen he is reputed to have replied, "Stockhausen? Stockhausen? - I think I trod in some once!"
- To a female cellist who was having difficulty with a piece they were rehearsing: "You have between your legs something capable of giving man the greatest of delights, and all you can do is sit there and scratch it".
One of the most crushing is that attributed to Dame Ninette DeValois (One of the founders of the Royal Ballet). After a performance in which the standin was required to take the prima-ballerinas part at short notice she told the aspiring dancer: "Well, my dear. You have had your big chance - and missed it!"
Re: Insults with style
markdf (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:25 am English is such a wonderful language, for those with the wit to use it.
Any fans of Douglas Adams in the house? You know what I'm talking about.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer!
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Free to be ME (imported)
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Re: Insults with style
Einstein: "God doesn't play with dice" in regards to the Heisenburg Principle
Alleged reply by Heisenburg "Not only does god play with dice, he also loads the dice and on occasion hides the dice"
(I may be off on the exact wording it's been nearly thrity years since Physics in college)
"I never met a man I didn't like... by the way have you seen any in this room outside of me?"
"Women are like show dogs lovely to look at but hard on the ears and furniture"
Alleged reply by Heisenburg "Not only does god play with dice, he also loads the dice and on occasion hides the dice"
(I may be off on the exact wording it's been nearly thrity years since Physics in college)
"I never met a man I didn't like... by the way have you seen any in this room outside of me?"
"Women are like show dogs lovely to look at but hard on the ears and furniture"
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Dave (imported)
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Re: Insults with style
Free to be ME (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 22, 2008 2:00 am "Women are like show dogs lovely to look at but hard on the ears and furniture"
And yet you still sleep with your girlfriend?
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MacTheWolf (imported)
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Re: Insults with style
Jesus
The one where actor Robert Redford says, "h
The one where actor Robert Redford says, "h
" was a comment he made about his buddy, Paul Neuman.
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SunLord (imported)
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Re: Insults with style
Choice pieces of bitchery I have heard:
1/. When Augustus Caesar met his consort Livia she was married (to some one else) and pregnant (by her husband). The attraction between them was so great that a divorce was arranged immediately, and they were married.
When Livia gave birth, Octavia, sister of the emperor (and wife of Mark Antony) is quoted as saying 'cats and dogs have been known to give birth in three months and now so to, Livia'! A remark she paid dearly for.
2/. My mother whispered in my ear when she met my in-laws 'I'll like to buy them at my price and sell them at theirs' which she got away with. And I still think today is the bitchyest remark I've ever heard!
1/. When Augustus Caesar met his consort Livia she was married (to some one else) and pregnant (by her husband). The attraction between them was so great that a divorce was arranged immediately, and they were married.
When Livia gave birth, Octavia, sister of the emperor (and wife of Mark Antony) is quoted as saying 'cats and dogs have been known to give birth in three months and now so to, Livia'! A remark she paid dearly for.
2/. My mother whispered in my ear when she met my in-laws 'I'll like to buy them at my price and sell them at theirs' which she got away with. And I still think today is the bitchyest remark I've ever heard!