Emotional response to men as a chemically castrated eunuch, on Androcur almost 12 wks

[mrt (imported)]

You conclusion is correct. Only a lot of them became pretty psychologically damaged as a result.

Just as I think I would be if a doctor took me off Testosterone and subbed Estrogen and told me to start dressing like a woman and having "normal" sex with men as God intended...

[Danya (imported)]

Quote from MrT, in response to my bed time image of a hot guy lowering himself over me. And that this was the first time in my life I'd experienced, believe it or not, the heavy breathing and racing heartbeat I'd always heard went along with sexual excitement!

"

I'm pondering the two things that you said. That the sage test shows you to be female and this vision you had that sounds to me like female / male sex. Are you just having a difficult time pondering that possibility? If so have you explored why?

"I have spoken to others that feel transition is impossible because they won't pass. I'm married to a very nice lady who I'm crazy about but she is not as "hot" as say Marci Bowers or TransgirlNY23 (What every happened to her?) And unlike the real MrT I am not nearly so handsome but... who cares?

"

I spoke briefly with Jesus today about my results on the Sage and similar tests. I'd already concluded that a hundred, or even a few hundred, questions on an online test cannot really tell me who I am. I'm not totally discounting those tests that are put together by professionals. I believe that can help point us in the right direction or at least give us some things to consider.

Jesus commented that these tests do not take into account the possibility of a different gender transition. That is male to 'not male' or eunuch.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Identifying as eunuch does not necessarily mean you are asexual. That's certainly one very acceptable way to live life as a eunuch, man or woman.

Gender and sexuality are not the same things at all, though. I've always been attracted to men physically. I've been fascinated with men's bodies, ever since I was very young. I find them erotic. Somehow, I've just never really gotten that much out of gay sex. This has always been confusing.

Now, I think my attraction was more a transgender thing. Since I'm feeling really comfortable in this eunuch gender, and finally at home with who I am, my attraction to men has actually increased and I want them in ways I haven't before. I'm finding it much easier to talk with gay men in bars. Not that I'm a bar fly. Not yet, anyway!

During the sexual 'vision' I felt terrific. I am feeling more submissive and feminine on low T. I love this feeling. This doesn't invalidate my eunuch, androgynous, possibly female leaning (but not male to female) identification.

I have considered the male to female option and have been totally comfortable doing that. I just can't place my mind in a female body. It doesn't feel right to me. It's not an issue of passing or not, either. Actually, and Kristoff might well disagree here , I think I would be a cute woman. With enough makeup, of course!

If I thought my happiness meant I needed to do the male to female thing, I wouldn't be overly concerned about passing anyway. I think my self-confidence is what would let me pull this off.

BTW, I suspect MrsT thinks you are quite handsome. Love tends to blind people, so they say.

I think I've warned you before that if you get me started, you might get more info than you ever wanted! I guess I feel these issues are complex so my responses tend to mirror that.

As always, MrT, old buddy, I appreciate your input.

-danya

[Danya (imported)]

As I get deeper into discerning my own gender identity, I'm spending more time on the web reading journal articles and the experiences of others. I've mentioned here and elsewhere that I now believe I was never really a gay man at all. I'd been married for 20 years when I came out as gay in 1995.

A brief recap: I never enjoyed gay sex or felt an emotional bond with gay men although I've had a strong physical attraction to men dating back to adolescence or earlier. Lately I've been identifying my now intense sexual feelings toward men, after nearly 3 1/2 months on Androcur, as feminine reponses. I just discovered this pertinent observation on the web which exactly mirrors my conclusion that I was never gay:

"For many transexuals it is part of the evolution of understanding their transexuality to have attempted to resolve gender dysphoria by trying on a gay or lesbian identity."

Source:

The following article appeared on pages 14-16 of the February/March 1993

issue of _SIECUS Report_, the publication of the Sex Information and

Education Council of the United States

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

TRANSSEXUALITY, IDENTITY, AND EMPOWERMENT

A View from the Front Lines

Barbara E. Warren, Psy.D.

Director of Mental Health and Social Services, Lesbian and Gay

Community Services Center of New York

http://www.qrd.org/qrd/trans/1993/trans ... ment-02.93

I have come across a number of similar statements in my research.

-Danya

[mrt (imported)]

Good link and very interesting reading. It makes sense that some transexual people would seek sexual companionship with the gender they see as right for them. I think Jesus is correct to go slow however as the changes your going through are truly radical. My "wiring" as the hormones flow and eb or in my case are injected and wear off is minor compared to what your going through right now and its still quite amazing.

This article also talks about costs and hassles involved in transition. I think this is a significant reason many just throw in the towel even if they clearly define as the opposite sex. For myself I'm rather shy around doctors and don't care for the poking probing and the standard run around. So I can imagine many people just saying "enough" when they have more tests, labs, consultations.

I read about this issue of "passing" again on the web and I think this holds back a number of people who feel if they can't wake up from the GRS procedure and look like Phoebee Cates they won't do it. But really... Looking really good is a huge job for anyone. Male or female and probably a lot more effort for our female friends. If I was born a "hot chick" and thought the best I could do was have surgery and look like a really fem guy I "think" I would still do it but whoooo... Those are shoes I really can't take an honest walk in.

On the other thread you mentioned that Eunuch is not equal to asexual. Yes. Your correct about that and in history I know there were Eunuchs who were still getting busy in the bedroom. My point was too general. I only meant that in general lack of androgens normaly equals an equivilant lowering in sex drive.

[Danya (imported)]

MrT,

I absoluely know Jesus is correct about doing things gradually and deliberately...but, the last few days I've been discovering, or maybe understanding or accepting might be a better fit, things about myself that are suddenly making my entire life make sense. It's as if the clouds have lifted and I know who I am.

Despite the 'but' in the my first sentence, I do know I need to go slowly. The skies are clear but the path really isn't. I will follow Jesus' advice. Normally, I have no problem admitting he is correct. Don't let him in on this little secret, please! Now, although I indeed know he is correct, I'd rather not admit it!

-Danya

[Danya (imported)]

MrT,

In reference to your observation regarding being born a hot chick and transitioning to a really fem guy, here is a story supplied by Jesus on a supermodel that transitioned to male and then did drag shows at night! There's a reference at the bottom to the Berkeley psychologist who is a proponent of the breadth of gender space between male and female and (as Jesus mentions elsewhere), the room there is in this space for a huge variety of gender expressions:

Stunning model has sex change - Sunday Mirror (UK) January 27, 2008

EXCLUSIVE Stunning Katherine has sex change to turn into Adrian

By Nick Owens

With her long blonde hair and green eyes Katherine Dalton had a body most women would die for. She worked as a top model and starred in pop videos.

Yet Katherine has now spent £30,000 on a sex-change operation after feeling trapped for years as a gay man in a woman's body.

And in another amazing twist the ex-model, now known as Adrian, is dressing again as a woman at night - as she launches a new career as a drag act.

"People looked at me as if I was nuts when I told them I was a gay man trapped in a woman's body, but I couldn't be happier since the operation," says Adrian, 30. . . .

Rebecca Auge, Ph.D.

Berkeley CA

http://rebeccaaugephd.blogspot.com/

[Danya (imported)]

I've had a cold and asthma problems since the weekend, both of which were largely gone by this afternoon. While I wasn't feeling well, I more or less lost interest in men. This bothered me slightly. Sometimes I'm not very easy on myself and I don't like to think that a small thing like not feeling well should affect how react to those stunning creatures.

I went to work-out after a training class today, though, and things are back to normal, whatever that is! . I was totally turned on by the men in the locker room, what a relief! Several guys wrapped only in towels were walking in front of me and I desperately wanted to hug them and stroke their chests, particularly the hairy ones! I was able to control myself, somehow. Probably the thought of getting punched out if I tired anything helped!

I want to point out that, as I've stated elsewhere, I now believe I was never a gay man at all. Yes, I was attracted to the beauty of men but never connected with them emotionally and got little out of gay sex. I never thought at all about what kind of package a guy had, what his cock might look like, or mentally undressed men (see references elsewhere ). I just wasn't into them that way. I was totally out to everyone in my life as gay and I don't think any of my earlier non-reactions had anything to do with internal homophobia.

Now as I feel more feminine, though, the situation has changed completely. This is a marvelous thing

I've reported on another thread the absolutely stupendous sex I had, just this last weekend with a handsome, hairy man who treated me like a woman. This was the first time in my life that I felt the rush of increased breathing and heart rate during sex. My nipples were, for the first time, really sensitive. I never orgasmed but it didn't matter. It was the best sex of my life. Ah...I'm getting off-topic here. I may describe this further somewhere else.

-Danya

[Danya (imported)]

In a few days, it will be four months since I started Androcur. The asthma I reported having in the last post returned, unfortunately, and I've had to take high prednisone doses to treat it. Prenidsone is an anti-inflammatory steroid used to treat asthma, lupus, etc.

A normal starting dose for asthma treamtment would be 40 mg. That never works for me so I take 120 mg instead. This really helps bring my breathing back to normal.

You've got to taper off prednisone gradually and I'm still doing that. The problem for me now is that I've been on prednisonse over 10 days. It's got some bad side effects (which become worse the longer you're on the drug), like depression, weight gain, insomnia, agitation, muscle aches, muscle weakness, etc. It also makes my heart race at up to 20 - 25 beats/minute faster than normal. This is slightly scary but mostly extremely annoying.

So, here I was minding my own business as the prednisone initially gave nothing but relief without the nasty side effects. The side effects hit big time about 6 days ago. It feels like someone has a hook placed in my back muscles and is slowly turning it. I'm depressed, my heart's racing and I can't sleep. I can tell myself that these effects will disappear once I'm finally off the drug in 5 days or so. For some reason, that's scant comfort right now.

When I feel this way, all concerns about gender identity, whom I'm attracted to, etc., all somehow disappear. I'm not attracted to anyone right now because of the prednisone effects, but that's OK.

It wouldn't matter right now if Brad Pitt appeared naked in front of me. Well, on second thought, perhaps for Brad I'd get the energy to feel attracted

-Danya

[Danya (imported)]

Today, with the San Francisco weather clearing (I return home this afternoon) and my prednisone dose almost down to nothing, I'm doing really well. I can breathe!

I had an interesting dream last night. I've reported recently that I identify much more on the female end of the scale than the male. It was about 3 AM as I slowly wakened and recalled dreaming that the final vestige of my male persona had just drifted off! I remember first feeling elated at this! Then very feminine and more than a little bit wishing for another vision of male beauty descending over my prone body....

-Danya

[tugon (imported)]

Today, with the San Francisco weather clearing (I return to Minnesota this afternoon) and my prednisone dose almost down to nothing, I'm doing really well. I can breathe!

I had an interesting dream last night. I've reported recently that I identify much more on the female end of the scale than the male. It was about 3 AM as I slowly wakened and recalled dreaming that the final vestige of my male persona had just drifted off! I remember first feeling elated at this! Then very feminine and more than a little bit wishing for another vision of male beauty descending over my prone body....

-Danya

You go girl! Find yourself that brown eyed handsome man.