Masocistic Girlfriend

[kantfeelStuff (imported)]

ok everyone this is a very delicate situation...

my girlfriend is very... emotionally scarred. her childhood was very difficult for her.

when we were just hanging out naked one day she grabbed a razor blade for my utility knife that i had just laying around and asked me if she could cut herself.

she has cut herself in the past, but it was depressive cutting and not necessarily for pleasure. we have discussed it a lot and she says she doesnt do it anymore, i could tell if she was lying anyways.

at first this scared me but my years of castration fantasies "prepared" me for this so i didnt freak out. i calmly said no, but she was to focused on the cutting at that point. i knew i had to take the blade away so i told her to give it to me, but when she handed it to me she grabbed for it back and she3 ended up cutting herself, and almost cumming in the process.

i have been a full access member of BME for my own needle play, so after she left i instantly thought of needles to get her off. i later asked her if she was interested in needles and she said yes. i have yet to actually bring a needle into sex.

my questions are:

is it a good idea to bring pain into sex?

is it better to do needle play instead of cutting if thats all she has done in the past?

i have plenty of experience with needles on myself but is it safe to apply this to another person?

what safety precautions should i take other then just sterilizing the needles?

should i start in less sensitive areas and work my way closer or start in the most sensitive areas?

what things should i look out for? emotionally? physically? in the future?

thank you very much if you can help!

kantfeelstuff

[tugon (imported)]

My initial reaction is to get her help and not enable her. I went through a period of time where I sought out others to harm me. I still do not understand why I was acting out. Partly due to my abuse and partly due to an overwhelming amount of guilt. Those feelings and desires were very strong but today I am glad no one took me up on my requests.

She might seem to enjoy the cutting but I am sure she does not enjoy all those negative emotions that cause her to desire being cut.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

I have had a number of masochistic girlfriends and have done some time in heavy S&M groups. Most of the time, no matter how intense it gets, it is "play". I don't think that is true in this case. When some people act out this manner they would like you to think it is play but it is not, they are trying to get you to radically punish them for events they can neither control nor understand. It even goes beyond self-harm. They need to be harmed by others because they are not "worthy" to impose punishment on themselves. They need destruction at the hands of others, often without realizing it themselves. My observations are that they will go to great lengths to get others to do what they need; all too often they find another severely damaged person to assist in their destruction. The key points to keep in mind are that their need is so great that they will find a way to achieve their goal of punishment, they will cause themselves harm at the hands of others, they are manipulative in order to satisfy their needs and that you are largely powerless to stop it. You may need to give some thought to where you are in this relationship and where you think you will be if she grows more unstable and insists that you harm her in more serious ways. --FLO--

[kantfeelStuff (imported)]

The key points to keep in mind are that their need is so great that they will find a way to achieve their goal of punishment, they will cause themselves harm at the hands of others, they are manipulative in order to satisfy their needs and that you are largely powerless to stop it. You may need to give some thought to where you are in this relationship and where you think you will be if she grows more unstable and insists that you harm her in more serious ways. --FLO--

thankyouthankyouthankyou

if it werent for you then i most likely would have gone through with it... im not proud looking back, but being a bit of a masochist myself thats what i thought if this situation, but now looking at her past and what you have explained to me ive thought it through and made the correct decision. i will get her friends to try and help her talk through some of her problems, w/o telling them of the blade incident. she is too poor to afford counseling but i think with time and positve reenforcement her friends and i can get her though this phase.

and if you havent noticed... i have been thinking this since the incident, but never gave it much thought because i have never gone through the same thing.

thank you again and i hope that this will resolve some of her issues.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

You are welcome. Good luck with helping her (although, I think a therapist is the best way to go). --FLO--

[markdf (imported)]

is it a good idea to bring pain into sex?

Yes, absolutely. Even completely straight-laced, vanilla girls will often enjoy some amount of pain during sex. I've only been with one woman who didn't like having her hair pulled (hard too) during sex. Good sex is often quite painful -- repeatedly slamming the head of the penis into the cervix is pleasurable, but can really hurt too. Biting, scratching, all normal. Anyone who tells you that it's weird to enjoy pain during sex is completely full of shit.

is it better to do needle play instead of cutting if thats all she has done in the past?

i have plenty of experience with needles on myself but is it safe to apply this to another person?

what safety precautions should i take other then just sterilizing the needles?

All things considered, needles are much safer than blades. Get sterile ones from a medical supply company though. Boiling them is NOT enough, nor is alcohol. You want to use needles that were autoclaved and sealed in sterile packaging. Don't be afraid to spend some money here -- infection is a very serious risk, and you don't want to mess around with it.

should i start in less sensitive areas and work my way closer or start in the most sensitive areas?

You've got to figure that out with her. As in any kind of S&M game, she's got to be in control of what happens, and assertive about how she wants and how she wants it. So should you for that matter. That's how you transform it from a psychologically unhealthy fetish to good clean fun between consenting adults.

But nevertheless, she should try to get some counseling. She can enjoy her masochism while still dealing with the psychological trauma that underlies it. Ideally, she can become happier and more stable, while still enjoying these games. Once a fetish exists, it will typically persist independently of whatever caused it in the first place.

The most important thing to understand about cutting is this: the cutting itself is NOT the problem. If anything, it's an invaluable form of release. People need to externalize their negative emotions. It's the trauma that underlies the cutting that needs to be dealt with. Only truly stupid, intolerant people (and there are a lot of them out there) demonize the actual act of cutting. You should accept it as her form of emotional release, and try to deal with the emotions themselves.

[XtheUndead (imported)]

You may think that she "cannot afford" counselling, but people with mental problems quite often have financial problems too, and psychologists expect that. Many will be quite accommodating: I had a psychologist who carried me for years through some very dark times, for which I was and am grateful, and I hope you can find a similar good guy (or gal) in the profession.

[markdf (imported)]

You may think that she "cannot afford" counselling, but people with mental problems quite often have financial problems too, and psychologists expect that. Many will be quite accommodating: I had a psychologist who carried me for years through some very dark times, for which I was and am grateful, and I hope you can find a similar good guy (or gal) in the profession.

"Accommodating" is a very relative term. Most doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists are in fairly close agreement about how much therapy is required to deal with serious issues: one hour sessions, three each week, for six months.

I've never even heard of a psychologist whose rates dipped any lower than $30 a session (and that rate was for a graduate student, not an actual psychologist). After all, these people need to earn a living.

Think about that: 3 sessions * 4 weeks/month * 6 months * $30 a session = about $2100. That's an awful lot of money for someone living close to the poverty line; and people with mental illnesses tend to live very close to the poverty line.

Psychology is one of those strange services that primarily benefits people who don't need it. Not unlike plastic surgery -- ugly people earn about half as much on average as people who would be considered attractive, and can rarely afford plastic surgery. So the sane get saner while the broken people just become more and more hopeless and helpless.

I'm not trying to discourage kantfeelStuff from running the idea past his girlfriend. But it's almost cruel to pretend that it's money isn't that big of an issue, when it very clearly is an unavoidable barrier for many people.

A lot of the people posting here are 30 or 40, well-established in their careers, and in a position where they can no longer even comprehend the notion of not having $2000 in disposable income. Nevertheless, to people who struggle with depression and other mental illnesses, $2000 can be an impossible amount.

[DonFL (imported)]

i have to agree with markdf, but in many cities catholic charities provides non-religous psyc services at a sliding scale. most people dont know about that. Im in weekly sessions due to PTSD and its expensive, my psychologist is retired, specializes in sexual issues & PTSD caused by sexual trauma, and only takes a few "important" cases on her workload, lately she has been seeing me on what my insurance alone pays - 20$... more or less a charity case, but i cant say no because I've started down the road and cant stop now... She charges me a copay of 20$ when i can afford it, which is most of the time, if i dont have my wallet out though she dosnt even ask, she understands. Her normal fee is 120$ per hour, since she is a VERY experienced councilor. There are lots of people like her, i hope your GF can find one.

[XtheUndead (imported)]

"

A lot of the people posting here are 30 or 40, well-established in their careers, and in a position where they can no longer even comprehend the notion of not having $2000 in disposable income.

"

I was carried through a period when I didn't have $200 let alone $2000.