Feeling overrun with emotions that I can't control

[Danya (imported)]

My psychiatrist's initial evaluation on Wednesday, when I told him in detail about my extreme, long-lasting emotional highs, unwillingness to get to bed at a reasonable hour, difficulty in concentrating on my work, etc., was that I might have hypomania. Hypomania is part of a milder expression of bipolar disorder than manic-depression. It can still be really dangerous if not treated.

He recommended that we reduce the level of antidepressant I'm on for a week to see if that would help. Now it's been four days since I started the lower dose and, so far, it seems to have done the trick. I'm still feeling really happy much of the time. I no longer feel, though, that I'm about to lose my grasp on reality! I'm still exceptionally emotional relative to my old male self and I'm really glad I haven't lost that.

So, in the end it may not matter if what I was experiencing was hypomania or not. I'm doing very well. On the advice of a friend on the archive, though, who knows about these things, I'll keep the possibility in mind that I may be susceptible to hypomania.

[Tclosetgirl (imported)]

The anger I described was because I couldn't accept how a loving God, being, creator, whatever could allow this awful death to occur to the young college man.

Why would YOU be upset about this - lets try another point of view - because being angry at God, or universal energy, or whatever you would like to call it/him/her is not right.

You are a spiritual being, we all are - this place you are in a physical body - and EVERY near death experienced person will tell you the happiness they felt, the joy - and then look back on earth for a min ute, war, famine, disease, crooks, politicians (Oops I said that under cr ooks) and you'd have a chance to be FREE of all of that.

Now while I'm here I intend to make the best of it, but several people I know have passed and I'm sad for ME not for them, for my greed because I miss THEM, but yet they are in a better place, they have to be!!

Th ink of it like that and maybe you won't be mad at God....we all have to go, it's our destiny, nobody gets out of this alive...when it's our time it's our time

I hope that makes sense!

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Tclosetgirl,

As always, I appreciate your input. I'm not at all angry at God now. That was a short episode in my life. On the other hand, I don't see anything wrong with that feeling either. I guess I feel that way mostly due to my upbringing as a Christian, albeit an extremely liberal one. I'm not at all a literal interpreter of the Bible but do believe there's a lot of good stuff to learn there. There's also a lot of nasty stuff that we could do without, at least in the way many people interpret it. I'm learning a lot from other religions, too, BTW and I'm a big fan of Zen Buddhism. At any rate, the Bible is full of faithful people being angry with God.

The way I look at God, and being loved, is that I'm totally accepted as who I am, including the anger that existed for a while. Through my accepting the reality of my anger and dealing with it, I actually came to a far deeper faith than I ever had or would have been possible without the honest acceptance, expression and resolution of my anger. Besides, God can easily handle any anger I've ever had and love me just the same.

I essentially agree with your thought on when it's our time, it's our time. I'm not at all afraid of dying. I think the universe is perfect exactly the way it is. Death therefore isn't a bad thing, although humans certainly shouldn't be killing each other I also think the Creator expects us to use our intelligence to reduce suffering. Nonetheless, we all do die. That's not to be feared and in some ways I view it as a beautiful thing.

-todd

[Danya (imported)]

The extreme, unrelenting and ultimately unbearable happiness I reported on earlier hasn't returned since my psychiatrist reduced my dosage of antidepressant. I'm still feeling really pretty damn happy much of the time, though. Now, however, I no longer feel like I'm the lone passenger on a runaway train headed down a steep mountain slope toward a cliff. This is very good!

I was feeling kind of hyper when I was in my psychiatrist's waiting room this afternoon. Taking the time and effort for some biofeedback/relaxation exercises left me feeling super relaxed and calm. The doctor commented on the difference.

He totally got that it's quite understandable I'd be feeling really happy at the changes in my life. He simply emphasized that if symptoms of hypomania return, I should get in touch with him pronto.

We discussed the my gender therapist's conclusion that my depression is in complete remission. He considers me extremely lucky in this regard. It's very unusual for someone my age with a lifelong history of depression to experience a lengthy remission. Mine has continued for roughly the last 6 - 8 months. I think, and he agrees, that dealing with my transgender feelings can only help the remission to continue.

Of course, remission isn't a cure. A debilitating depression could return at any time. I don't see that happening and that attitude may itself aid in preventing a recurrence. If depression does return, I know from long experience what steps to take to help reduce its intensity and duration.

[Danya (imported)]

I need to get to bed but instead I've been spending a little time doing a bit more online research on hypomania and my Bipolar-II disorder.

One of the google matches was for this book on the Amazon web site. My reaction to the title is, this guy has got to be crazy. Seriously crazy. I may enjoy the intense happiness of hypomania for a short while but it's not something I can handle as a constant emotion. There's no way I want to 'enhance' my hypomanic feelings when they occur. Happy is good, and that's where I'm at. Hypomania = not good. Here's the book title:

Bipolar II: Enhance Your Highs, Boost Your Creativity, and Escape the Cycles of Recurrent Depression--The Essential Guide to Recognize and Treat the Mood Swings of This Increasingly Common Disorder (Hardcover)

by Ronald R. Fieve (Author)

BTW, I haven't experienced recurrent depression since I was switched to an MAOI anti-depressant first half of 2007.

Does Ronald actually think Bipolar II is 'increasingly common'. I'd say it's simply more commonly diagnosed, if anything.

-todd

[kristoff]

Just sent you some links on Bi Polar. They are places that have proved to have lots of information and value. What the heck, here they are here too

http://www.a-silver-lining.org/index.html

http://www.bipolar.com/

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageSer ... ename=home

http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.bipolar.html

[gpb3aol (imported)]

I don't know where to start. Well, first Todd, your beauitful man, I wish I could express myself a tenth as well as you. You've had to deal with emotions all your life, I on the other hand until having two cancers (kidney and lung cancer) back to back for the last two years had no emotions.

Yeah, that's right, no feeling, I never exprienced real emotions until after chemotherapy. It basically killed my testicles and so my testosterone dropped to around a 100. I became very emotional, I cried at TV programs. I also became empathic towards other people. A very new feeling for me. Now I'm not talking about being happy or sad, I'm talking about feeling so good that I'd cry, feeling so bad I though I'd die.

Having never experienced these "deep" feeling it was quite a shock to me. My wife and my oncologist assumed I was depressed because of all the crying and put me on Paxcil. Didn't help, then they found low testosterone and put me on that. It did work, I felt "normal" and got my energy back.

So end of story, NOT. I for the first time in my life felt real, it was the real me. I'd been there all the time. It was the T that kept me hinden.

I've alway loved dressing like a woman. I always loved men. I had these "gender" issues since I was 11 or 12 years old. I overcame them and played the roll of Mr. Asshole, did well in business, well enough to retire at age 54.

After getting on T I become Mr. Asshole again and I hate it. So I stopped taking it. I talked to my wife, who knows I'm gay, long story I'll tell you if your interested, and told her I wanted to permenatly return to that person with emotions. That while I was there I reconneted with my femine side and want to be that person. As I said before I don't want to be a woman, I'm not a woman but I don't want to me a "MAN" either. I want the something in the middle whatever that is. I just am looking for a way to get there.

Gary

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Gary,

Thank you very much for your very kind comments. I can also appreciate where you're coming from.

I'll respond more fully in a day or two. Tonight, I'm exhausted and need to relax and then get to bed early. I won't forget to write more.

Take care,

-todd