When a parent dies

[tugon (imported)]

I was brought up to believe that when you die you are gifted with greater wisdom and understanding. In my mother's hospital room after her death I imagined her looking at her loved ones surrounding her. When she looked at me I could imagine her thinking "What the hell did he do to himself?". Of course with this new knowledge I hoped she could understand the motivation and importance of my becoming a eunuch.

She accepted me as a gay man but I always tried to shelter her from the more controversial and negative aspects of my life. I never wanted her to know about the abuses I suffered. Now I am thinking she may know it all. I guess one day I will know if this is true.

[JesusA (imported)]

I know that your mother was a good and devout Catholic.

Christian iconography has always depicted angels as sexless beings. (See, especially, the paintings of archangels in any Orthodox church, where they are modeled after adult eunuchs.)

I’m sure your mother, at least sometimes, thought of you as her little angel. (Well, maybe not “little.”)

She’ll just discover that she was even more right than she had ever thought.

[StefanIsMe (imported)]

Jesus....

....that was just beautifull.

Resolving my own issues on this subject, having lost my mom three years ago. Having always been really very close to her, I resented (still do) my lack of persistence in visiting her in the final months. She, too, was strong in her christianity (canadian united church). Always a supremely upbeat woman, at the end, the cancer and the drugs dragged her down so far that things she loved (for instance, those christmas plants, green and red) were lost to her ("I hate them", was her comment when one was placed by her window, in December, a month before her death... such a comment was so foreign to the mom I knew, I still can't get past that comment some times. However even at that point, when she noticed I came to visit, the smile she'd show... ouch. How could I not visit more often, knowing that kind of reaction was there?). My own present difficulty with anything religious doesn't reduce my hope and wish that she is in such a state as both Tugon and Jesus are talking about.

Thanks....

[IbPervert (imported)]

My father died six years ago of cancer...just after Xmas and before New Year. He passed away at home and in my arms. I was an emotional wreck for almost a month. One moment I would be laughing my head off and the next crying and on the floor. The doctor told us after he died that he should have passed seven years earlier, but my father never considered loosing the battle. During the last year i had two dreams on the same the night in which my father visited me. The first time we just said, "I love you." The 2nd time we also said, "I love you," but hugged each other, and when I woke up both times I felt that our souls had touched.

On Nov 9th my little girl named Pixel (dog) passed away in my arms. We were very close and had a deep emotional bound. We were together for six years and over that time I watched her transform from a scarred freighted little girl into a bossy little bitch. She was the house slut (i say it fondly) and flirted and turned on all the boys and even a few girl dogs. For me her passing is almost harder then my father's. And yes, i did get Pixel just over two months before my father died...i think her need for emotional support and my emotional needs bonded us together even tighter then normal. The morning after she passed I was in that half awake half asleep state and I smelled her scent right next to my face then I turned my head a bit and the smell was gone...and no she never slept in my bed she always wanted the floor.

I know that I will be with them both again in heaven, but not having them both in my life will be something I will have to suffer through and deal with the rest of my life.

[SunLord (imported)]

I just loved this thread and will post again later. Having both parents now passed on, I can so relate to the sediments shared.

A wise person once said to me after the second passing, that it is only when we are able to step away from our emotional attachments that we truly find peace in the life. I guess that is easier for some than others and perhaps it is the crucible that all of us must face and master. I certainly have enjoyed a greater measure of peacefulness since taking this on board.

BUT just to throw in the curve ball, and to test my learning, a mate died, just one year ago, and that "rattled my cage” more than the parents dying.

And there probably won't be a time in the rest of my life when I won't miss him and his companionship and his conversation, even though I am now at peace with it.

[Blaise (imported)]

I was with my father when he died. Sharing that with him enriched my life. One of my brothers and his wife were with us. I hope that that brother can be with me when I die.

I find myself thinking of conversation about opera or other topic that my father and I shared. I will think of some addendum and remember that I cannot share it, but that is okay!

I talk to my mother almost every day by telephone. I immensely enjoy her.

Good thread.

[Daughter (imported)]

I was with my biological father the morning of his death. I had been staying with him for the past week, since he'd been released from the hospital following a quintuple bypass surgery. He insisted I go home, claiming he felt much better. So I did, and by the time I got there he had already been rushed by ambulance to the hospital and they were calling to inform me that he had passed on. Tears fall from my eyes as I type this, as I can still vividly remember that moment. Confusion, denial... I still sometimes feel like maybe it was all just a bad dream.

He was my rock. My sanity. My everything. I was 22 years old when he so quickly slipped out of my life. So young! And so had he been...! A mere 47 years young with three heart attacks and an epic battle with pulmonary emboli under his belt.

I hit rock bottom. Drugs, alcohol, sex... Anything I could do to make it hurt less.

The pain never dies, it just seems to get easier to handle.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

You envelop the pain, you make it part of your being, it becomes yours, then when it is not alien, you make yourself better by its presence. I know about this. I have too much experience with the darkness left by seemingly unbearable loss. --FLO--

[crankshaft (imported)]

sigh, a hard topic, having lost my dad when I was in my 20s(cancer)its was hard to handle, then go through it again with my father inlaw this last yr, (cancer)again, it still hurts just as bad in your 50s as it did in your 20s,

[Riverwind (imported)]

How true, I was in my 20's when my mother died, (cancer). 10 years later dad died, (old age). I was thinking about this and if mom were still alive she would be 98, dad 110. The only thing I can tell you is that as time goes by the pain also goes away, for the most part. I know your pain but it really will get better.

River