A little editing help, please

[Charis (imported)]

This is supposed to be the description of a man who has been coerced into performing oral sex on another man. It should be the a key part in a story of domination of a doctor over his patient. I have no experience in performing the act described and little writing skill. Would someone, please take the time to read and tell me if I captured the act correctly and make any suggestions on ways to improve the story. Thanks in advance for your help.

This scene is in the doctor’s office exam room, the characters have already had the argument as to why Mike must do this and the Dominate Doctor has won:

Mike slumps to his knees knowing Doc. has won again. Doc. opens his trousers and lets them fall to the floor and then slides his shorts down into the pile of fabric pooled at his hairy ankles.

”Just start off by kissing it.” Doc. instructs with a smirk on his face.

As Mike pressed his face into Doc.’s crotch his nose is struck by the smell of a days perspiration, smells like a dirty gym sock. He tentatively kisses the limp finger of flesh laying in its nest of tangled hair. At first it recoils like a turtle pulling its head to safety. With each additional gentle peck it begins to swell and spill out in search of more contact.

“Your doing fine. Just make the kisses wet, like you were sucking the juice off a barbequed rib.”Doc recommends.

Mike allowed his lips to part and his tongue to dart out on to the hot flesh. He work slowly pressing the wet kisses and sucking the skin moving up and down the side of the blind snake as it arches it back, raising its head in search of pleasure.

“Ooh that’s it bitch. Now suck it, like it was your favorite popsicle.” Doc. orders.

Mike permitted the head of the now rock hard member to enter through his rounded mouth and then pulled back to the tip resting on his lips. He could taste the salt from the flesh in his mouth. Again he encircled the head and allow more of Doc. to enter his mouth. Slowly with each bob of his head Mike took in more of the swollen gland wetting it with his saliva and sucking back the salty juices. Doc. pressed forward into Mikes face with thrust from his hips urging his defeated opponent to take it all. As the shaft pressed to the back of Mike’s mouth his body rejected the feeling and Mike jerked his head away as he gagged and fought back the urge to vomit.

“You’ll get past that, your body will adjust, its just requires practice and persistence. Get back to work!” Doc. growled.

Again Mike plunged the heavy, hard stick of flesh deep into his mouth and resumed pumping it in and out. His mouth was full of saliva and it foamed at the corner of his lip and dripped down his chin as his head bobbed up and down now engulfing all that Doc. had to offer. Doc’s hand was on the back of Mikes urging him to a faster pace. Then Doc. placed both hands on the back of Mikes head and pressed him into his groin . Mike could feel the pulses as they passed through his lips and the bucking of the purple head deep in his mouth as it spued the sticky fluid down his throat.

Doc. released his grip and his hands fell away, allowing exhausted Mike to slump to the floor. Mike crawled to a plastic lined waste basket and stuck his head in to wretch, as if spitting the vile goo out would change the history of what he had just done.

[Gil (imported)]

Charis,

I think technically you present the scene well. You have good writing skills. I might consider losing the "blind snake" simile though. For me, it didn't flow well at all with the rest of the prose. A term I've heard editors use for that is "making the reader aware of the page". You want the reader to see in his mind the scene you're painting, not the verbiage you're using to paint the scene. That simile jolted me from the scene to the words.

At a higher level, what I got from the scene was a sense that the Mike character wanted to do what he was doing, but feel like he was being coerced. And Doc was just going along to get a free blowjob out of the deal. If that was your intent, OK. But if you intend that Mike really be coerced, I'd suggest experimenting with making Doc more focused on dominating Mike; forcing him to do something really repugnant. And the something must be repugnant to Mike. That you must demonstrate to the reader.

A technique I've used successfully when trying to convey something like that is to go to the extreme. Something like a scene where some chubby, soft bookkeeper, Phil, is experiencing his first night in prison for some white collar crime. And his hairy cell mate, Bubba the sadist serial killer, is introducing Phil to the pleasantries of prison life. These characters are complete opposites, so it is easier to see their actions and reactions starkly. Once you get the essence of what interplay you're going for in that polarized setting, rewrite and refine to make the actions more in line with your characters. It can be a fun exercise. And sometimes your characters show you something unexpected.

[Charis (imported)]

Gil

Thank you. Good constructive critique. You correctly identified Mike as reluctant but not unwilling. The question is how far will Doc. be able to push him before Mike finds the will to resist or will he continue to spiral down to his death?