It's really about society's perception of us and how this, in turn, makes us takes steps (or not) to change ourselves. Partly it's a question and partly a conundrum...
I'm not going to go into all the minutiae of my own situation (I hear you breathe a sigh of relief!) but suffice it to say that I have a situation which puts me into the 'muddled gender' category. To define that a bit, biologically parts of me are quite definitely female whilst other parts are not. I'm not fully intersexed (but then again, I'm not totally sure how that is defined) but I was born the way I was. What you can see on the outside is not necessarily representative of what goes on internally (physically) or of what organs you have or do not have (internally). People make assumptions mostly based upon what they can see.
In order to fit into society and, presumably, to make me more acceptable, I have been offered over the years various different medical and/or surgical procedures. I have declined all of them. The most obvious procedure was the SRS but there have been other suggestions, mostly relating to hormones. I haven't declined for any moral reason or because I have any objection to anyone else taking any of these measures but purely because I have never felt they were the right option for me.
And yet ...
I find it necessary to alter things about myself in order to make my colleagues etc. feel more comfortable in my presence. The most obvious problem I have here has to do with the fact that I have a very male hair distribution. This causes discomfort and disquiet for people. They either shun you or they whisper, very discreetly, 'you could get something done about that you know' and so I take the option of getting rid of it before they see it. Just easier that way.
But then, I suppose that makes me something of a hypocrite, doesn't it? All my life I feel that I've fought for acceptance, I've been very open and honest about who (and what) I am which has often been a mistake but there you go. I've taken part in various discussions, formal ones involving things such as the Gender Recognition Bill and informal ones, just amongst friends. All the time trying to make the point that we have a right to be as we are.
I'm not at all sure if this is making sense, is it?
I suppose the actual physical side of it is different for those of you who identify as male. In particular, those of you who opt/choose/decide upon surgical castration. But I can't help wondering whether the emotional side of things are actually very similar, whether you are in my situation or yours?
Hmm, perhaps it's harder to explain this in text than I thought. I guess what I'm saying is, is it unacceptable that I've chosen to refuse surgical/medical options to 'correct' something which I don't feel needs correcting? My gender identity is more than just biology, it's also to do with what exists within my head. If I were to have taken any of the medical/surgical options, I would not feel any more comfortable. On the other hand, society doesn't feel comfortable if I enter into it without making certain changes to myself.
It's a conundrum in a way, isn't it?
Is it possible to just know you are agendered and to feel that this is right despite the fact that doctors just long to correct it and turn you into something one way or the other?
Personally, I don't feel like it's a decision I've made, I just feel it's the way I am. Others might feel differently. But should we ALWAYS be who we are or is it better to make ourselves societally acceptable (whatever that acceptability may be)?
In a way, I suppose those of you who have been castrated would say that the surgical intervention brought you into line with the person that you felt you were in the first place (I know people choose castration for all sorts of reasons and I apologise for generalising), for me it's almost the other way around.
I wonder what the answer is and how people feel about the whole subject (if anyone understands what I mean!!)
