Funnier than the Darwin Awards

[Studlover (imported)]

Below are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Contest, aka the "Dark

and Stormy Night Contest" run by the English Department of San Jose State

University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in

the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9. "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,

unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue

eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for

competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied

description."

7. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept

along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6. "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was

about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become

the woman he loved."

5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from

eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins

often do."

3. "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the

corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of

the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the

eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the

greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,

revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in

frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,

disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You

lied!"

[n3rf (imported)]

IhopeIneverhavetoereadthosenovels. N3RF

[JesusA (imported)]

It's an annual contest, and they get better every year....

[twaddler (imported)]

Those remind of an article I read in the The Sun magazine last year. Actually it was a chapter from a book I think that was published in the magazine. It was funny as hell. Though it was written intentionally to sound like it was written by an idiot and really came off well. I'll have to look that up, that was really hilarious.

[nickbowman (imported)]

For those who care, past winners and runners-up are collected in books from time to time.

[Riverwind (imported)]

Those were great, I think the one I like the best goes without saying.

River

[A-1 (imported)]

..

. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

...BUT JUST THINK ABOUT IT... IF THIS HAPPENED TO YOU WOULDN'T IT JUST MAKE YOU WANT TO CROAK?

[BossTamsin (imported)]

2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of

the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the

eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

As much as I hate to say it, I'd actually be willing to read a novel with an opening like that. At least, so long as it was intended to be a parody. Give it to Piers Anthony, Robert Asprin, Spider Robinson, or Terry Pratchett.

Douglas Adams could have gotten 3 books out of a line like that (and almost did, with Dirk Gently), but sadly he is no longer with us.