Not a Eunuch

[Serul (imported)]

I'm new here, so I guess I'll introduce myself. I'm male by any definition, but I've been considering castration, not to change that, but to change the way I experience it. I don't know how normal my libido is or anything, but what I do know is that I want to be rid of it. It's something I've wanted for years, but the idea of castration or similar just never seemed reasonable to me. I expected that in time I would get over it, or grow out of it, or something. I knew I wasn't really normal, that most people my age would want nothing more than an active sex life, but I had other things to think about, and sexuality just gets in the way. But things changed. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't straight. I find myself attracted in some way to both men and women, and any kind in between or otherwise, but it isn't really sexual. I finally realized recently that my sexual energy is not directed at any kind of person or thing in particular, but rather something that's just ... there, I guess. I can direct it at anything or nothing at all, but I prefer the latter. This leaves me in want of a label for myself, but I guess that's not really so important.

But realizing this has led me to realize how I've been misunderstanding my sexuality for so long. I had taken to frequent masturbation because it was an effective release, and it seemed like the thing to do, but it was just that. It wasn't something enjoyable. It was something I had to do. I've stopped as of two weeks ago, but I still feel the urges. I've taken control of my masturbation, something I feel had previously controlled me. I feel different now even though nothing has really changed, and now I don't know what to do with myself.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with sex or masturbation. It's just not what I want. Every time I pleasure myself, I feel like I'm simply giving in to a physical need that's not in line with my feelings. With no sex and no masturbation and no intent to act on these urges, I've begun thinking about removing the urges as well.

I've talked to others about this, but needless to say, the response is generally something along the lines of "DON'T CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!" I was told to get a girlfriend and try having sex just to see if I like it, but that's not really something I want. Everyone makes the point that I may change my mind later, which I suppose is a valid point to make. And after doing a bit of reading on the matter, I've been thinking I might want to do a trial run with anti-androgens or something, and if I like that, then I'll decide where to go from there. There may be no need for a mechanical castration at all--I just don't really know at this point.

But I have no idea where to begin. I haven't seen a doctor or anything, and I don't think I'll have a chance to do that any time soon. So I figured I'd take some time to think about things and figure out what I might want to do until my situation changes.

My mind now is really on the side-effects. Particularly bone loss and weight gain. The first is concerning, and as for the second, I'm already notably overweight. I haven't been able to exercise as much as I'd like because of an injury, but hopefully that should be resolved soon (my doctor hasn't been very cooperative so far). Shifting weight would be no problem at all, however. I've also got a history of depression, so I'm a little concerned about that.

So I guess what I want to ask is your advice on where to begin and what side-effects in particular I should worry about.

[mrt (imported)]

If I felt as you did I would consider a couple of things. #1. Is what your feeling or not feeling due to your current hormone levels? ie if there are already low you might experience some of what you discribed. So before trying to dial things down further and further reduce sex drive I would say do this in a logical and scientific way. What are your hormones doing now. Is that normal? If not consider trying to get that "right" and see how you feel then. Anything you do (my opinion) should be done with the help of a Doctor. Sure you can order weird drugs over the internet but this is (I think) pretty crazy stuff. You can damage yourself beyond repair and why?

I don't know how old you are but masturbation was supposed to be a sin when my parents were kids. I don't think a lot of people hold that this is a terrible thing that will grow hair on your palms and make you blind anymore!

Please think long and hard before self medicating or seeking possibly perminant solutions to temporary problems.

I'm new here, so I guess I'll introduce myself. I'm male by any definition, but I've been considering castration, not to change that, but to change the way I experience it. I don't know how normal my libido is or anything, but what I do know is that I want to be rid of it. It's something I've wanted for years, but the idea of castration or similar just never seemed reasonable to me. I expected that in time I would get over it, or grow out of it, or something. I knew I wasn't really normal, that most people my age would want nothing more than an active sex life, but I had other things to think about, and sexuality just gets in the way. But things changed. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't straight. I find myself attracted in some way to both men and women, and any kind in between or otherwise, but it isn't really sexual. I finally realized recently that my sexual energy is not directed at any kind of person or thing in particular, but rather something that's just ... there, I guess. I can direct it at anything or nothing at all, but I prefer the latter. This leaves me in want of a label for myself, but I guess that's not really so important.

But realizing this has led me to realize how I've been misunderstanding my sexuality for so long. I had taken to frequent masturbation because it was an effective release, and it seemed like the thing to do, but it was just that. It wasn't something enjoyable. It was something I had to do. I've stopped as of two weeks ago, but I still feel the urges. I've taken control of my masturbation, something I feel had previously controlled me. I feel different now even though nothing has really changed, and now I don't know what to do with myself.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with sex or masturbation. It's just not what I want. Every time I pleasure myself, I feel like I'm simply giving in to a physical need that's not in line with my feelings. With no sex and no masturbation and no intent to act on these urges, I've begun thinking about removing the urges as well.

I've talked to others about this, but needless to say, the response is generally something along the lines of "DON'T CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!" I was told to get a girlfriend and try having sex just to see if I like it, but that's not really something I want. Everyone makes the point that I may change my mind later, which I suppose is a valid point to make. And after doing a bit of reading on the matter, I've been thinking I might want to do a trial run with anti-androgens or something, and if I like that, then I'll decide where to go from there. There may be no need for a mechanical castration at all--I just don't really know at this point.

But I have no idea where to begin. I haven't seen a doctor or anything, and I don't think I'll have a chance to do that any time soon. So I figured I'd take some time to think about things and figure out what I might want to do until my situation changes.

My mind now is really on the side-effects. Particularly bone loss and weight gain. The first is concerning, and as for the second, I'm already notably overweight. I haven't been able to exercise as much as I'd like because of an injury, but hopefully that should be resolved soon (my doctor hasn't been very cooperative so far). Shifting weight would be no problem at all, however. I've also got a history of depression, so I'm a little concerned about that.

So I guess what I want to ask is your advice on where to begin and what side-effects in particular I should worry about.

[Slammr (imported)]

I don't know how old you are but masturbation was supposed to be a sin when my parents were kids. I don't think a lot of people hold that this is a terrible thing that will grow hair on your palms and make you blind anymore!

My mother told me it would make me nervous. Of course, she didn't actually mention what it was; and the first time she said it, I wasn't doing it and had no idea that one could, so I had no idea what she was talking about. The second time she said it -- a year later -- I was doing it and was headed into the bathroom to do it -- spent a lot of time in that bathroom. I pretended ignorance and continued into the bathroom where I jerked off.

[kristoff]

Serul -

In reading your post a few times through, my biggest inclination is to strongly recommend that you see a counselor of some stripe. Notably, see one who has experience with sexual and gender dysphoria. I suspect that you have much to explore. Issues of asexuality, androgeny, and so on are well explored here - please explore as much as you can, here and with a counselor. At this point, I would most definitely encourage that you not undergo surgical castration, until you have thoroughly explored, discussed, and thought through everything involved. Before a surgical solution you should definitely explore a chemical castration, such as with Androcur. That in itself will give you quite a few answers.

K

[Serul (imported)]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I'm not in a big hurry to make a change, just sort of thinking about things. I've pretty much ruled out surgical castration for the time being--maybe some time in the future I'll reevaluate this, but I won't do something irreversible just to see if I like it. I have no idea what my current hormone levels are, whether they're high or low or normal, but I'll definitely check that out before I do anything. My University has a counselor who deals with these kinds of things, so I think next time I'm around there (It'll probably be after the holidays), I'll try to make an appointment and maybe figure things out. It's just that it's a really hard thing to talk about. I don't know how to begin explaining myself to someone, and the thought makes me nervous. I'm sure they'll understand, though; it's just the usual anxiety.

I don't know how old you are but masturbation was supposed to be a sin when my parents were kids. I don't think a lot of people hold that this is a terrible thing that will grow hair on your palms and make you blind anymore!

This is true, but I'm always asked why I don't want to do it, and one of the reasons people always expect is religion. I guess I just wanted to make it clear that I don't

have anything against it myself. Oh, and I'm 21.

My mother told me it would make me nervous. Of course, she didn't actually mention what it was; and the first time she said it, I wasn't doing it and had no idea that one could, so I had no idea what she was talking about. The second time she said it -- a year later -- I was doing it and was headed into the bathroom to do it -- spent a lot of time in that bathroom. I pretended ignorance

and continued into the bathroom where I jerked off.

My parents never told me much about it. They take it for granted, and they certainly wouldn't believe me if I told them I stopped (not really something I'd share with them...), but at least they don't have a problem with it.

[Kangan (imported)]

Welcome to the board, Serul.

After reading your posts, I am wondering if you are an asexual rather than a true bisexual. I'd also agree that some sort of counseling is in order to resolve your conflicting feelings.

As for masturbation - I find that masturbation helps me to reduce my sexual urges.

[mrt (imported)]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I'm not in a big hurry to make a change, just sort of thinking about things. I've pretty much ruled out surgical castration for the time being--maybe some time in the future I'll reevaluate this, but I won't do something irreversible just to see if I like it. I have no idea what my current hormone levels are, whether they're high or low or normal, but I'll definitely check that out before I do anything. My University has a counselor who deals with these kinds of things, so I think next time I'm around there (It'll probably be after the holidays), I'll try to make an appointment and maybe figure things out. It's just that it's a really hard thing to talk about. I don't know how to begin explaining myself to someone, and the thought makes me nervous. I'm sure they'll understand, though; it's just the usual anxiety.

This is true, but I'm always asked why I don't want to do it, and one of the reasons people always expect is religion. I guess I just wanted to make it clear that I don't

have anything against it myself. Oh, and I'm 21.

My parents never told me much about it. They take it for granted, and they certainly wouldn't believe me if I told them I stopped (not really something I'd share with them...), but at least they don't have a problem with it.

I've been 21! I remember my own life as being very filled with "drama" I don't know if you feel the same way. One thing I wish I could tell the 21 year old me is this "You don't know enough to make decisions that are unchangeable. Try to relax a bit. Don't go quite so crazy with sex and booze or at least don't take life quite so serious." The things that seemed SO important to me then really were not life and death.

I'm glad your not going to do any surgery. That said I've had low T and know that it "rewires" your thinking. It will seem quite normal. And for me this "normal" was pretty much pissed off. Anxiety and depression like symptoms. heart issues (Which I know think were part of this) mental focus (As in LACK of) and asexuality. Being uninterested in sex didn't make my life easier btw. But I am married. In short it sucked but I wasn't really tuned into it enough nor did I care. When I went on HRT I felt (and feel) 1000x better.

[Serul (imported)]

Welcome to the board, Serul.

After reading your posts, I am wondering if you are an asexual rather than a true bisexual. I'd also agree that some sort of counseling is in order to resolve your conflicting feelings.

I'm definitely attracted to both sexes--to be more specific, I'm attracted to people regardless of their sex. I have in the past been aroused by and masturbated to both. It's just the act of sex itself I don't really want. So if asexuality is an orientation (which is debatable), then I guess maybe I am. The fact that I have such difficulty deciding exactly what I really am makes me tend to think that.

As for masturbation - I find that masturbation helps me to reduce my sexual urges.

I guess you have a point here. Since I've stopped, I find myself having sudden unpredictable erections throughout the day, but they're different. They're usually weak enough to hide while I'm sitting and disappear as soon as I stand. But at the same time, the things I would normally expect to arouse me don't so much anymore. For example, I can browse pornography without becoming aroused at all. But I do have periods when my sex drive gets low for a while, and I'm in one such period now, so maybe it's just that.

I think this is an interesting potential for exploration. I can become aroused if I want, but since I'm not looking for it, it's not really happening much (not in the

usual way, at least). But I guess the important thing is that I feel more like I'm in control of myself now.

I've been 21! I remember my own life as being very filled with "drama" I don't know if you feel the same way. One thing I wish I could tell the 21 year old me is this "You don't know enough to make decisions that are unchangeable. Try to relax a bit. Don't go quite so crazy with sex and booze or at least don't t

ake life quite so serious." The things that seemed SO important to me then really were not life and death.

Life does feel so full of drama, but I feel disconnected from it all. It probably has to do with my having Asperger syndrome (http://en.

wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome). The world is noisy, and I prefer a quiet place to hide away by myself.

I'm glad your not going to do any surgery. That said I've had low T and know that it "rewires" your thinking. It will seem quite normal. And for me this "normal" was pretty much pissed off. Anxiety and depression like symptoms. heart issues (Which I know think were part of this) mental focus (As in LACK of) and asexuality. Being uninterested in sex didn't make my life easier btw. But I am married. In short it sucked

but I wasn't really tuned into it enough nor did I care. When I went on HRT I felt (and feel) 1000x better.

I already have anxiety and depression, so that should probably worry me. (What an ironic statement!) Being uninterested in sex isn't really a problem since that's really what I want. But what kind of heart issues, and are they usually to be expected?

[mrt (imported)]

I already have anxiety and depression, so that should probably worry me. (What an ironic statement!) Being uninterested in sex isn't really a problem since that's really what I want. But what kind of heart issues, and are they usually to be expected?

No, I probably should not have commented on that. My heart issues were part of stress. Low T can cause symptoms that look like depression and in my case I "think" it was part of my problem. But I'm NOT a doctor. I did a mental health test post HRT and it went really well. I thank HRT for a lot of that.

[truly committed (imported)]

hey

when you quit d.i.y it is supposedly a wonderful and amazing experience..hard at first, but you get used to it..its like giving up anything..

I know lots of people are really positive about it, but i wonder what would happen if everyone saved there sexual thoughts for only one person....