Eunuch i am, i am...

[thefraj (imported)]

Z,

Sorry to hear these last few days havn't been quite so bright ))HUGS((. You are going through a lot going right now, and - I have to say it - talking about your experiences to the media (as you are having them!) must be a lot to bear. And you're not alone in that! I guess it was catching up with me too for a brief moment a few days ago! I don't know if it's worth anything, but I would never have been able to do the things you are so soon after I was cut! You are a stronger person than I ever was.

You mention some things at work? It sounds important to you and would be worth talking about, if you don't mind that is . You can always PM/email me if it's not something you want to disclose in public. Oh - I agree with you about the rage! Overall, I know I'm a much calmer person. But when I get angry, I actually seem to get more irrational and more filled with blind hatred that makes me want to say/do things I wouldn't have before I was cut. It's hard to explain. It's like the old addage "Hell hath no fury like that of a woman (or eunuch?) scorned". And I always found it was the same with fear and happiness. All the emotions - it's as though someone turned up the volume. But it can be a blessing too. When I'm happy I feel even more happy, crying at movies can make me feel good (in a strange way!) and I get overwhelmed a lot more easily too. Emotions can help you understand others and sympathize with them.

There have been a few times when I've exploded in the faces of some people at work. When my supervisor and I have arguments, BOY do we argue. It can get really bad. But tomorrow is another day and saying sorry can fix a lot of things. But before that, it's good to take a step back and ask yourself where the root of the problem lies. I can get wound up by little things too. Just because you're emotional and angry doesn't mean you shouldn't be. It's worth waiting until you're removed from the situation and thinking back for a cause, and then deciding if you are overreacting or have legitimate concerns/irritations?

But I have to disagree you are not worthless, and it would be good to talk about the 'shame' factor and what makes you feel like that. Everyone is created equally and has a right to life. We are different, though. We are rare. Water is common ... almost 3/4 of our Earth is covered in it! Yet diamonds are valuable because they are so hard to come by! How common are heterosexual males? How common are voulentary eunuchs? Which would a person rather have, a glass of water or bag of diamonds? God, I wish someone had a tape recorder so I can replay me saying this when I feel like I did a few days ago!

__________

Life changed a lot for me after the cut, and I wonder if being so young makes it seem even bigger? My family have never really been able to accept this part of my life. And I suppose to some extent I've given up on the dream of them ever coming to any kind of understanding in their lives. We just don't talk about it. But, the other side is that I was lucky enough to gain a family here. People who read your posts, care about you and want to read as much as you can type . God, listen to me preach! But I think it's true.

If you can elaborate on some of the fears/events in your life here, (or in a PM?) it might help to talk? I'm always here.

[mrt (imported)]

I had the worst day at work. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I feel so angry at places, and things. My job is on the line and im not sure if it’s going to be there when I go back in the morning.

People and things take a different toll on me these days. I feel so tire, yet can’t sleep. Im not hungry but I can’t stop eating. Im irritable towards lives responsibilities. Im unsure how much longer I will last in this situation. Rage is overpowering me.

I don’t like being on the edge. Yet I am teetering on the brink of self-destruction. Im so fearful of what around the next 90 degree angle. Living a worthless life of shame.

If I blow off taking my daily rub of Androgel I turn into an unbearable ass. I also can't accomplish things and I get frustraited much easier. Speaking to a female friend who lost her ovaries due to health issues she has this problem all the time and this (for her) is going on for months at a time. I know that suggesting HRT is not a universal (positive) in this forum but I honestly can't see how I would do without some balance be it Testosterone or Estrogen or whatever.

It may not help to know this is "normal" but I think what your feeling is.

[SethRose (imported)]

As Terri points out, your options for treating side-effects are many and varied and can be easily adjusted, making self-prescribed solutions easy and relatively safe. I have thus far successfully gone without posting on this forum a diatribe against HRT and will be trying very hard not to in this post.

From your posts you seemed to be inclined towards experimenting with Estrogen, and asked about Suzanne Summers’ Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy (BHRT). The information and medical community surrounding BHRT is mixed and vitriolic. BHRT is often referring to a Bioidentical Progesterone. BHRT advocates have an uphill battle when it comes to demonstrating effectiveness especially for some of the claims like Suzanne Summers’ that it should be taken indefinitely as a fountain of youth; and they honestly aren’t doing a very good job. The Pharmaceutical companies are pulling out all of their big guns to squash this because they can’t patent BHRT. So the whole argument breaks down very quickly to “You’re selling snake oil!” and “You’re just a greedy megacorp that doesn’t want this out there because it will cut into your profits!”

The real question to consider here is what are the people on the sidelines saying? Universally everyone agrees that taking hormones of any type when not treating symptoms is asking for trouble. This puts Ms. Summers on a lot of people’s hit list for selling a book that encourages everyone do so. This all falls under “holistic medicine” which is a very messy realm, but at the end of the day there probably isn’t a lot of harm for most people to try a bottle, the price of which is often low enough to at least avoid the pitfall of feeling scammed. As Jesus points out, you can always switch it if you don’t like it. If you smoke, I would advise against any hormone experimentation. Also, your diet can have dramatic impact on your hormone intake, so find a healthy one that meets your lifestyle.

One observation that Terri shared and your own recent feelings of rage lend themselves to my own research on the subject.

2. DHEA (available over-the-counter): Was helpful for countering side effects. Think of it as "Testosterone-lite." Actually gave me some libido and made erections more likely. However, I don't like libido and erections, so another solution was sought.

Terri, like you, is more interested in exploring the feminine side of things so DHEA is inappropriate for her case. However, being a young eunuch dealing with feelings of aggression I would like to recommend my own holistic alternative: videogames. This will do the same thing DHEA does in that some testosterone will be introduced via the adrenal gland, but the levels will be substantially lower since DHEA pills will try to make you pump out T all day long, where as with videogames you would only have small bursts while playing. Specifically I recommend online competitive games such as Halo, Counter-Strike, and Star Craft in which you are directly competing against other human players. This might also provide a healthy outlet for your rage!

To read more on my thoughts on this subject you’ll find them here: http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=9887 as well as important disclaimers.

[homptydumpty (imported)]

http://groups.myspace.com/Eunuch

A new group I created for all myspace users. Come join me on educating others questioning our existence. This group is out there for the mass myspace audience to view. I hope this group will help family members and friends of eunuchs, as well as eunuchs themselves come to an understanding of our nature.

If your not already on myspace its never to late to set up a page and add me as a friend.

I feel like I have gotten so much support from this archive in many different forms. Now I would like to spread the love to myspace as well! Yes this has been a great escape.

az alwayz

z

[farharbour (imported)]

Thanks.. We shall see how many people stop by

[DonnyMac (imported)]

Great idea. I just joined your group.

Don

[homptydumpty (imported)]

Ok, so I was naive to think that any group could replace yawl, this place is a nice one. Always open for the sharing of thoughts and ideas.

Pushing myself harder, I stumble, into the truth of the matter.

I think i might already be loosing it, today i forgot my groceries at the store, got all the way home and realized it. by the time i got back there i was in tears, and no one knew what to say, other that "we tried to catch up with you, but you took off without your stuff". I was crying so hard by the time I walked to my car a co worker saw me, came running up to me and attempted to force some conversation out of me at the worst of all times. She was worried about me, and wanted to make sure i could drive ok and wasn’t on drugz. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes my system dose feel high, on drugz, and it easily crashes.

i hadn’t cried for a few weeks, and felt horrible, but satisfied. It was very strange. So many things happen so quickly around me, and now i feel like im a tree amongst ants.

i got bills in the mail this week, and flipped out, cursing, and throwing a fit. i was pissed of because i have 3 $ 20 co-payments a therapist had suddenly decided to bill me for 3 months latter. Stuff eats away inside me.

Sexually, i feel a bit frustrated. i haven’t "made myself happy" as i want to. i can have fun with myself, but by the time im feeling it, im side tracked and stressed out about other ideas, like applications, and interviews.

i make goals for myself, and dread over the fact that i face them alone.

i write here because im just that.

Alone

[Marc8 (imported)]

Dear Z,

Not really (alone, I mean - we're here, and so are you ). Hormone crash is the culprit in this case - you don't have the same fundemental amount of "T" in your system now, and it has a way of making things rough on your emotions.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, this is a natural happenstance, and something which may work it's way out eventually. If it becomes too difficult to handle, I'd suggest you speak with your doctor, and have an hrt formula prepared - it will ease a lot of the strangeness you are feeling right now, and you don't have to take a whole lot of it either, just enough to get you feeling better.

Love ya!!

Marc

[Paolo]

Forgot the groceries and got some bills?

I'll trade you.

The phone rang the other day.

The 16 yo. got arrested.

Criminal mischief.

The 9 yo. came home from school with a broken nose.

I forgot to make my truck payment.

The 7th grader attacked a Senior at school who was beating up another 7th grader...and he won...and got suspended for a week. He then threatened to beat up the Principal.

The 18 yo. announced that he plans to propose to his long-time girlfriend. Forget the condom, I'd just as soon he wear a HEFTY BAG!

Or 2.

My boss asks me if I have those pictures for over 500 kids on the basketball team done yet.

Some crazy nun sent me a Christmas card order...

(Oh, wait, that was fun!!)

And to top it all off, I haven't even begun to Christmas shop for the little darlings yet.

I think some lumps of coal are in order!

Oh, yeah, and to top it off, I thought I used my credit card at the gas station the other day when Ms. J. calls me up and work and says, "Hon, I think you forgot something over here!" Was my face red?!

Seriously, though, Z., it's not that bad. Expect more of the emotional outbursts and such; it's part of it. You're very much in the position to be easily distracted right now.

You might want to avoid watching any gushy Christmas movies, though.

[thefraj (imported)]

Come here Z, ))GREAT BIG HUGS((

Marc is right, you are not alone. I went through very similar thoughts after castration. I did (wrongly!) feel very alone, or isolated. As I looked around me, I realize that everyone was either male or female and most of them happy with what they were. Nobody similar to me. But the truth is that everyone is different in one way or another. And they all have different ways of coping with their situation. You (we?) are particularly rare, which makes you special!

Hehe, well you are unlikely to be the first person to leave your groceries behind (and you definitely won't be the last!). When I used to work in a supermarket, I remember one customer getting into a state because she had forgotton where she had parked! When asked for her vehicles description (so the security team could search the parking lot), she couldn't even remember! She burst into tears, and after being comforted for more than an hour, given drinks of tea... she suddenly remembered she came by bus! Accidents happen, and I suspect your co-workers were just concerned for you.

Eunuch emotions are much more intense, and I remember bursting into tears quite regularly after castration. You probably have a larger emotional range of more intense emotions right now. I know I did, and if it's any consolation, I did find they became more managable over time. They can sometimes be a curse, and sometimes a blessing. Sometimes they help you know more about what someone else is feeling or thinking. Othertimes they cloud your own judgement or rational thought! But sometimes a good cry can help release some built-up emotional pressure. I like seeing a good weepy movie for exactly that reason! Men don't have such a great need for it (Sorry all males! LOL). Though even they cry sometimes! Unfortunately society expects that a 'manly man' will never cry! Which is rarely the case.

I'm always here, and I read your thread quite regularly! Oh and I do like your myspace group. You are quite right of course, nothing could replace EA, but that doesn't mean the MySpace Eunuchs group can't exist. It just means it has to be different from EA, or offer something on a slightly different angle, or discuss different aspects. I don't know! But it's worth some thought!

Hope you have a better day today Z, and I'm always here