Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

A familial "divorce" costs nothing but the loss of anguish and heartbreak from a bad situation. That was the case with mine, until they made a concerted effort at rapprochement. It was a peaceful time.

This Thanksgiving drove this need home even more. One of my sister's friends continued to interrupt me and I laughingly mentioned Parliamentary Procedure and I thought I had the floor. My sister who was doing the final prep of the meal grabbed a knife and turned and glared at me. After several humiliating comments and the fear of communicating I hung my head and ate. That morning I began showing symptoms of a GI bleed and prior to dinner it was a fear which after dinner became a way out. What a nasty person.

[tugon (imported)]

Sometimes the trash takes itself out. This past Saturday my sister sent me a PM via Facebook to list all the things I did wrong during Thanksgiving dinner. A number of you have had experienced my company in the past so you know how trying and troublesome I can be. The list might be too long to post here. I of course will not be joining her and family for Christmas. I think I need to keep my lack of social skills between me and my dog.

I am actually feeling better knowing there is no point trying to fit in to the group. They give me nothing I need to grow as a human being. I do not want to feel bad about myself due to family. There are a few friends who enjoy my time and company. A co-worker pulled me aside and mentioned how long it took me to recover from the wedding I attended with family. I knew I felt bad with thoughts of self harm but I did not realize others watched me suffer.

I will be 60 in March and it is time to become who I am without any negative influences. Maybe it will be my Thoreau years in a one room cabin with my dog and my thoughts.

Not Thoreau but Yeats

The Lake Isle of Innisfree

By William Butler Yeats

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,

And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;

Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee,

And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

There midnight’s all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,

And evening full of the linnet’s wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day

I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;

While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,

I hear it in the deep heart

’s core.

[Losethem (imported)]

Sometimes the trash takes itself out. This past Saturday my sister sent me a PM via Facebook to list all the things I did wrong during Thanksgiving dinner. A number of you have had experienced my company in the past so you know how trying and troublesome I can be. The list might be too long to post here. I of course will not be joining her and family for Christmas. I think I need to keep my lack of social skills between me and my dog.

I am actually feeling better knowing there is no point trying to fit in to the group. They give me nothing I need to grow as a human being. I do not want to feel bad about myself due to family. There are a few friends who enjoy my time and company. A co-worker pulled me aside and mentioned how long it took me to recover from the wedding I attended with family. I knew I felt bad with thoughts of self harm but I did not realize others watched me suffer.

I will be 60 in March and it is time to become who I am without any negative influences. Maybe it will be my Thoreau years in a one room cabin with my dog and my thoughts.

Gee, you too? I came to the conclusion after being away from my family for 3 months when I moved east again, then visiting for Thanksgiving, that I'm much better without them. I wish my brothers would have moved east and left me with my mother (I still care for her), but I had to get away from them and their insane, negative attitudes and dragging me into their drama.

Though I'm in a new town, with no friends at present, I'm still much better off than I was around them. I smile more, I chat with more people, and I have nobody telling me what to do or when to do it, or that I'll be doing, "What they say" when the time comes.

Frankly, I'd prefer moving to Europe (I have dual EU-US citizenship), but moving across an ocean is logistically difficult.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Tugon, you are not a bad person at all. Family can be so hard and mean. They just do not understand at all. I have been there. The majority of my family has dis owned me. I live with Bob and it hasn't been a picnic. Holiday's are always lonely. Hang in there buddy. You are a great person. You have great people skills. You deserve so much better.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Merry Christmas tugon.. I hope you have a great holiday season.

[tugon (imported)]

Merry Christmas tugon.. I hope you have a great holiday season.

OBB of course I wish the same for you. This will be my first family free Christmas. Of course no one can understand my dislike of being treated poorly. They gave it to me and for years I took it but no more.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

This will be my first family free Christmas. Of course no one can understand my dislike of being treated poorly. They gave it to me and for years I took it but no more.

Congratulations! Very well done. It is your life. The only way to stop this treating, is to ignore it. Ignoring them will hurt you maybe for a while, but it will hurt them much more. It is the only way to make them think about what they did to you. I wish you a very happy New Year!!!

[Losethem (imported)]

I hope you had a relaxing holiday. I know mine was better sans family. It's amazing how much people think they are in control of your life, isn't it?

--LT

[Paolo]

Same here, Tugon. I hope it was a good one for you.

I've found that I have much nicer time with those who aren't my biological family.

[tugon (imported)]

Thanks all, I was not sure I would not cave. Putting myself first is always the hardest thing for me to do. My brother called to let me know my sister would apologize and bury the hatchet. I was about to mention she would only dig it back up and use it again. I also received a PM via Facebook from my youngest nephew full of emotional manipulation. I did find it interesting that my brother thought it was just my sister with whom I was upset. He must have forgotten how he sat me down at the wedding to scold me like a petulant child about my taking a picture.

I think my people pleasing days are over. I still want to be kind and helpful to others but not at the expense of who I am. From the time at age eight when we escaped from my father and I was told by mother and an aunt that I was now the man of the family I took that role seriously. Much of my birthday or Christmas money went to the family to help. The others kept their money. At 16 when I had my first job I took pride in taking everyone out to Ponderosa Steak house for dinner. After all it was what a provider does. Now almost 60 I am becoming my own caregiver.