Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

I have been enjoying my new job but not for the mediocre wages. Soon one of my favorite musicians and composers will be performing locally and staying at my hotel. I am debating having his cd's available for autographs.

What has been really fun lately has been a guest who is a transwoman. She used to hurry past the desk until she had to ask a question. My supervisor and I were so welcoming and friendly that she now stops and chats. I am glad she feels comfortable now and is opening up. I directed her to one of our local spas for a mani/pedi. I call her by her first name and my accepting of her seems to make her happy. I wonder if she has ever posted here and if she has I would love to say I am tugon.

I am glad to see some acceptance than I ever expected in this part of the country. From the tour of murdered gays to a transsexual woman out and about I see progress. Maybe being out and proud and not murdered is why I stay.

[tugon (imported)]

Hearts starve as well as bodies

Give us bread but give us roses

In my case I am missing art, music and good conversation. I am missing someone with whom to share those things. I am lucky to have a nice collection of art from travels and artist friends. I have music stored many places throughout the apartment. I miss someone who enjoys a turn of a phrase without saying "I do not understand you". I miss creativity of thought and talent. Please help me but I find many people in my day to day existence dull.

I did have some fun sharing music with my cousin's son who mentioned he liked piano music. I made him a cd of Mussorgky's "Pictures At An Exhibition" which Mussorgsky never orchestrated so the piano only version by Evgeny Kissin I thought might be of interest. I also made him a cd of Erik Satie's solo piano pieces. The Russian and French composers are so different but I love them both.

The Columbus Museum of Art is a bit of disappointment. It does not take long to see the art and except for the occasional special events there is not much reason to visit. We do have the Pro Musica but again the lack of someone to share it with is the problem. Museums I go to alone but concerts I like company. Thankfully we have several nice theaters to host Broadway Across America. Yes I need a periodic musical to keep my heart beating.

This is my third day off from work so I am bored. I checked all the stored numbers in my phone and all the people I would like to see and share time with have moved away. Plans

with my sister and her spousal equivalent

to go to a mediocre chain restaurant in an hour. No point ordering a glass of champagne and escargot as a starter. At least no one will order the fried cheese sticks or whatever they are called. Speaking of good cheeses no need to speak of them here.

I am not saying I want something elegant or expensive but creative. Finding something delicious from a food truck and discovering a street artist would be great. Or a group of people creating music on the street for tips. I loved the street performers in Quebec City. If you are ever diagnosed with a terminal illness move here. You may not live longer but it sure seems longer.

[tugon (imported)]

I wish I could find a good therapist in this area. I am tired of repressed memories coming to the surface of my awareness and causing great upset. As I am dealing with the emotions my subconscious swallows the memory up again. All of a sudden it is like what the hell upset me so much. Then of course I wonder if I had remembered it before only to be repressed again. Oh well one day it will come out and join the other memories.

[kristoff]

I wish I could find a good therapist in this area. I am tired of repressed memories coming to the surface of my awareness and causing great upset. As I am dealing with the emotions my subconscious swallows the memory up again. All of a sudden it is like what the hell upset me so much. Then of course I wonder if I had remembered it before only to be repressed again. Oh well one day it will come out and join the other memories.

I've found that a tape recorder (of whatever form) and a notepad works wonders. Then find the most far out therapist you can; a link is often in the works.

[Riverwind (imported)]

I remember my therapist telling me to write everything down and those things I worry about put them on a small piece of paper and put them in my worry bowl. I think this is what Kristoff is saying and it does work.

There is something about writing it down that allows your brain to give it up. You still have it but no longer need to keep it in your brain.

River

[tugon (imported)]

I remember my therapist telling me to write everything down and those things I worry about put them on a small piece of paper and put them in my worry bowl. I think this is what Kristoff is saying and it does work.

There is something about writing it down that allows your brain to give it up. You still have it but no longer need to keep it in your brain.

River

Thank you both and I will try your suggestions.

[tugon (imported)]

I find lyrics in a song can express what I am feeling. This chorus from a Lucinda Williams song is hitting home for me.

From the cradle to the grave

You will always be a slave

To the quiet darkness of your memories

And that's the truth, my friend

The ugly truth, my friend

I've got proof, my friend

And that's the truth

Peace to all who are plagued with memories that cause them pain.

[tugon (imported)]

A co-worker at the hotel wants to fix me up with a blind date. I asked her how long he had been blind and apparently he is sighted. Now I have less in my favor. He works in healthcare and loves dogs. She said he likes wine and mature men. How about an immature man that is old. Hell I am seeing the beginnings of a turkey neck. She thinks we would be perfect for each other. Oh hell he is only 32 years old. I could date him and reminisce with his father. Hell I might be older than his father.

The last time someone tried to fix me up with someone I so enjoyed the disappointment in his expression. He was not very attractive but must of thought I would look like a porn star.

To further indicate my age I must admit due to having worked the night shift I fell asleep in front of the computer. I woke up and remembered I had a dog to walk so an hour and a half later I have returned.

Oh well someone was thinking of me. I guess I should be pleased someone sees me as a viable date for someone. I can imagine the different music we like and explaining to him about the Beatles and Janis Joplin. Oh well I can always share how exciting it was to watch men walk on the moon. Oh I better go and sort my meds for the day.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

My wishes are for the best for you with this blind date. Always take life one day at a time.

[tugon (imported)]

Introvert(89%) Sensing(12%) Thinking(25%) Judging(33%)

I took an online test and these are my results. I have known for a long while that I was an introvert but had no idea I was only 89%. I thought I would score higher.

I recently photographed a wedding and I was physically exhausted when it was over. I was in the apartment most of the next day with the exceptions of dog walks. I took multiple naps and listened to music. The holidays are painful for me. When mother was alive and had the house I could slip up to my room for a break. Now I take my dog and he stays close when I am being overwhelmed.

Oddly I am perfectly capable of visiting large cities and passing large numbers of people. There is a peace in being anonymous among a sea of faces. A crowded museum is no problem because it is the art and not the people. Same with music or plays since I am aware of the stage and not who is next to me. I certainly have no problem in a small bistro when I am seated shoulder to shoulder with someone when that is the culture. In my town at a restaurant when someone throws their arm over the top of the seat and invades my space I react.

My job is not good for a person who is 89% introverted. I learned it, I can do it but back to healthcare for me. I also think I have the personality of a greeter at a funeral home. Oh and black is thinning but more so for the deceased than me.

Time to prepare myself for a walk with my dog. He does attract people but he gets the attention and I just smile proudly at him. They will sometimes speak with me and even say kind things. They have watched us for several years walking in all kinds of weather and admire my dedication to my dog. Two individuals have said my dog and I are alike in that we seem to be intelligent and are peaceful beings. I am reminded of how bad I am at small talk.