Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

I posted a link to a song in Mac the Wolf's thread and so I thought I would post a link to another song by the same artist in mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg_PF8k2Nm4

[tugon (imported)]

16 years a eunuch for me. 16 years ago today I was cleaning the motel room of surgical waste and discarded supplies. I sure felt like cleaning less than 24 hours after surgery but since he would not do it I did. He thought we should leave the mess for the housekeepers

. The room was in my name and I

really did not want any questions. I was already thinking about heading home and acting like nothing happened.

Today I still remember the changes but not how long they took. I wondered if I would ever stop draining. Sitting in a Chinese restaurant eating lunch when all of a sudden I felt a gush of drainage. Eat fast, drive home, redress and then back to work. Trying to explain hot flashes by saying I need to reduce my coffee consumption. As my body was changing my nipples were erect most of the time and this did not go unnoticed by some. Make sure I button my shirt up so the fading chest hair will not be noticed. Oh and obvious to all was my heighted emotional state. Laughed harder, cried harder because everything was more intense.

Many years now since the last of the changes. Physically things have been very stable. Emotionally I have either become used to the greater feelings or they are not as intense as when T was first leaving my body. I rarely think of the old me but I still deal with events of the past. All in all a eunuch is all I know how to be.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

A very special congratulations to you, Tugon. You sure have been a Eunuch a long time. Wish you the best in everything.

[plix (imported)]

Congrats on 16 years! I know you have mentioned that being a eunuch is a good thing for you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the new you!

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

Amen to that. TG is truly a treasure to all he has helped here; compassion from experience. Let's hope for many more than another 16, and may they be happy.

[tugon (imported)]

Thanks friends for the kind words. Even though I was a eunuch almost 7 years before finding the EA many helped define me and my new life. So many shared and it was good to read I was not the only one who felt that way. Since so many before me had shared their story I decided to share mine. I am glad if it has helped others but it has also been my therapy. Write it down, read it and face my life and decide what needs to change. The EA family has always been a safe and nurturing place to open up and share.

[tugon (imported)]

We had a few mornings of single digits and I had a dog to walk. I layered to keep myself warm but nothing to protect my face. I needed to run to a store and buy a scarf since I had a hat that protected my ears. My sister suggested that I come to her house and pick out a scarf. One of the scarfs was one I purchased for my mother 35 years ago. I found it at a small boutique where everything they sold was of the quality that it would last for years. The scarf was from Scotland and was 75% Mohair and 25% wool. I always like the soft pastel colors of the scarf but it certainly was not masculine by the general publics standards. I thought what the hell I am not masculine by the general public standards either.

I wonder now if things I purchased for others are things I wish I could wear myself. Was I living vicariously through others. I also purchased a portfolio case for my mother from France. My sister has that now but I may ask for it. I do not desire to be a woman but I do like some feminine touches. I do like wearing the scarf. I like that the scarf is still as beautiful as the day I bought it and it is now mine. The scarf is easier to wear than a boa might be in my home town.

Speaking of things that are beautiful and come from France like the portfolio I remember a time that I wanted anything with a French origin. I wear eau de parfum from House Guerlain who made parfums and colognes for Napoleons. As an Irishman I am more comfortable drinking champagne than in a pub drinking beer.

I have some time off work and it seems Paris is calling. Somehow I think winter in Paris is better than winter in Ohio. I will take my scarf.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

One of the nicest things about being a eunuch is this freedom to choose something that pleases one, rather than fits with perceived expectation, -unless you go out and are troubled about what "they" might say. Either way, that's way more choice than otherwise. Yes, eunuch is good!

[tugon (imported)]

Oh, wait this is not political I am having a tea party. Actually a friend is stopping over for some of my homemade cheesecake and some coffee. I have set the table with my antique china and silver. I have some lovely table linens but I am unable to find my fucking cloth napkins. My cheesecake won an award at a dessert contest once. I will be making coffee in my French press which is a wonderful way to make best tasting coffee. Should be a nice little midday snack.

As a child I would watch the girls have their tea parties but with my father I never dared show any interest. It was never an overwhelming desire but they seemed to be having fun and all I had were those damned army men. How many bags of army men does one boy need. Well none as far as I was concerned. As an adult I have occasionally played with an army man or a marine but that is another story.

I believe it is never too late to have a happy childhood. A friend who had a less than optimal childhood and I one day went to Build A Bear to make bears. I was asked if I was making a bear for a child and I proudly said it was for me. I even made sure it had a heart. I did not buy it any clothes since I like my bears naked. My apartment is brightly painted with colorful art and not the reserved dark atmosphere some people like. I am always talking with my dog while we walk and I chuckle when someone says "pardon me" and I tell them I was talking to my dog.

So today I fancied things up for a snack. I have inherited many beautiful things and I like the chance to use them. I hope my friend appreciates the effort. Sometimes when I get carried away it makes folks nervous. Oh dad I am having a tea party.

[tugon (imported)]

The Lake Isle of Innisfree

by W. B. Yeats

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,

And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:

Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee;

And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,

And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day

I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;

While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,

I hear it in the deep heart's core.