Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

I remember when I realized being hit was more comfortable than being hugged. Being slapped by mom and punched by dad was the physical attention I received. I remember being attracted to straight men who would use me for oral sex. I never had to worry about them wanting to do anything for me. I could have a crush on them and not worry about it being mutual. I knew they would remain emotionally unavailable to me.

One man turned violent and abusive and I never had a clue how to end it. I guess in some ways it was familiar. The first time he raped me at gunpoint one of my thoughts were that it makes sense that this would happen. It almost seemed like a normal progression of the abuse I always suffered. One day a friend stood me up and I was hurt. I thought of my rapist and how if he said he was coming over he would show up. Of course who knew what condition I would be in when he left. But still I missed him for no other reason than for 17 1/2 years he never stood me up.

I am still attracted to the same type of men so castration has helped me not to get involved due to my sexual addiction. I am also happy with a small circle of friends who accept me for me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

I can relate to your post , i to have and never quite understood hugging and kissing, in fact any outward signs of affection, here in Europe people enjoy kissing when they greet you, a quick peck on the cheek, i do my best to avoid it and cringe if i cant it is so completely unnatural to me and I try to keep away from such situations, my close friends all know this and don't put me through it, when I was young i went with girls because i was told it was what you do, then I went with boys because I was told if you didn't enjoy girls you must be gay, I ended up going to the extreme S&M side of things where physical signs of affection weren't required, the more brutal and distant from each other the better, I deliberately tried to find violent distant men who would rather give you a punch than a kiss, not as easy as it sounds but eventually had a long term relationship with such a man, he was as incapable of giving affection as i was of receiving it, but still felt I was trying to fit in with something that wasn't quite me. Now I am older i no longer go with either sex and i realise I am the happiest I have been, the last two occasions I had sex was to please the man i was with, not for myself so decided i had enough, now i am on my own for the last two years leading a complete nonsexual life, i enjoy peoples company and i have a very small group of friends i have known since my late teens which is enough for me, but i don't want or need physical contact, and have come to the understanding its OK to be like this, its other people who don't get this not me, so why try to fit in when I so obviously don't, we don't all need physical contact to be happy, it is society which makes us think we do..

[tugon (imported)]

As a caregiver to the elderly I do not choose what is on the TV. So I would like to take a minute and tell Doctors Oz and Phil to just shut up. I am not saying they do not help some but when they make everything so easy to fix I get a little pissed.

Today Dr. Oz has an inspirational speaker that was telling us we can work through our problems in a few easy steps. Of course we can lose weight and look younger in a few easy steps. Damn if I knew it was that easy. Those who are unable to fix their lives in those easy steps must feel like failures. I still struggle with issues, I am fat and do not look 29. Sorry Oz

Of course according to Dr. Phil I just need to order his book "Life Code" oh and it is published by his son's publishing company. That one book will give me the skills I need to turn my life around. Who knew it was all so simple?

Tomorrow I have the day off so I will not know what is wrong with me or how easy a fix it is. I will just enjoy my dog and tell him he is perfect. He will give me kisses as if I was perfect.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

This is clearly a remarkably fine animal with commendable insight!

[tugon (imported)]

In the past I have had times where my emotions took a vacation. I have also been concerned about having an attachment disorder. Well it seems I have detached. I have lost all interest in people.

In the past few years I have been subjected to negativity and criticism from two people. There have been few people who ever brought me comfort. I have known some people who I would even consider to be evil. Even my oldest friend is of little interest. The longer I am away from people the less they matter. I can no longer maintain emotions for people. Out of sight out of mind.

My brother is in town and wants to see me. I do not know why and I do not share the interest. We have never been close and have nothing in common. I am going to my sister's for ribs but mainly so my dog can play with her dogs. I had dinner with a young couple in my building and that is hours of my life I will never get back. I do enjoy walking my dog in the woods

I have no problem visiting cities and being in a sea of people. I just do not want to interact longer than to order a meal or make a purchase. I love exploring a city alone lost in my thoughts or trying to capture the scenes that awe me.

I am very glad I have my dog.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

I had dinner with a young couple in my building and that is hours of my life ......

I am very glad I have my dog.

Tugon, OUCH!!!

Hours of life, yes, precious. So are you. I'll hazard a guess that a certain canine, notable for his insight and compassion, those young people who extended their hearts and home, and the rest of the motley crew here, value you and the time they spend with you.

Yes, you are fortunate to have this remarkable dog, and darn it, remarkable friends who value you and your time.

While we all advise due consideration before being a eunuch, the impact of being a hermit is that much more.

We do hope you don't disappear into your hermit's "cave".

Talk to the dog about it.

[tugon (imported)]

I think of myself more today as a eunuch than a gay man. I could better relate to a eunuch pride march than a gay pride march these days. Never feeling male I never fit comfortably in the gay world. As I have posted so many times before I never wanted sex to be mutual. I only enjoyed pleasing a man and being left alone for the most part.

So now all of a sudden at 57 years of age my sister wants to attend a Pride March with me. All the years I walked in the parade and no interest on her part. Now for some reason she wants to go to the festivities. One time I went and a gentleman was passing out safety pins to remind us to be safe. He was walking down my row and gave everyone a pin. He handed one to the gentleman on my right then looked at me and handed the next one to the guy on the left. I avoid bitchy judgmental queens.

I do support the community and cheer for each victory. I just do not feel the need to march since I was there and did that for years. My sister can call someone else to go observe the party. I am scheduled to work and will just have to watch it on TV. I can sit there with my 84 year old client and can hope we see her son and granddaughter.

[nullorchis (imported)]

I think occasionally of the message: The more people I know, The more I know people, The more I like my dog.

Being not judgemental of others, and not letting it affect you when others judge you helps to make one independent and free.

Some people seem to have no problem with one or both of the above.

For others, like me, it has taken a long time to not let the judgement of others affect me.

And, like losing weight, or not gaining weight, where I need to be always aware of what I am putting into my mouth,

To avoid judging others I always need to put myself in check and be careful what comes out of my mouth (or via pen, pencil, keyboard, etc.)

All any of us want is to be liked, perhaps loved, not ignored, and if attention is bestowed on us it is not judgemental.

And I find when you give all of that to others, many will respond in like kind.

Not everyone, but enough people to create a synergy that helps add some sweetness to life.

I don't do this as a sham. But when I actually meet someone who seems as if they are down, or who might help me get up, I figure it can't hurt to try and help, or be helped. This is not in a caregiver capacity. No matter how hard we try, no 'man' is an island. It almost becomes a hobby to see if / how other people will react when you show a genuine interest in them, their life, what they do for a living, their dreams, hopes, problems. Most of us center our focus on ourselves. And when someone else becomes interested in what most interests us (ourselves), they cease thinking about me. This is much more complex than words allow. At least I found when I start to interact with othes and show an interest in them, not for selfish interests, it becomes a travel trip of great exploration that has endless opportunities. However, it does seem to work best when I am carrying a camera and am a tourist somewhere, or appear to be a tourist. People seem to throw up barriers when someone they don't know starts a conversation. But as a tourist, with a camera, they at least open to "peep window' in the door to see if they want to let you in.

[considering (imported)]

I'm always interested to note how people self-identify. Never in my life have I referred to myself as a "gay male" or a "very tall male" or a "old male" or....you see my point. I am many characteristics some of which would be of interest to others, some are obvious, some are no one's business save my own. I "outed" myself when I was eleven and that's well over a half century ago so the curiosity of my sexual preference to others has vanished. Sure, there were years and people who chose to malign me but that's their concern. Professionally I've had it out with others who did not agree with my opinions and that was their right. But in my mind I am first a male full stop. That I am a castrated male and a homosexual male are secondary characteristics that are of concern only to those who have some reason to know. And, this is just me, I dislike the word "gay" as an adjective for a male if only because it deprives me of a perfectly good adverb. No longer can I say, "it was the gayest party" as that will lead to mis-interpretation. I cannot say that I saw so and so and they looked "so gaily turned out" as, well, the obvious. What bothers me is that many people ae obsessed with demanding that people know they are "gay" as they seem to feel that should be a reason for separate treatment. (And this gets me too close to a discussion of over sensitivity, a plague that seems to be upon us.) So I'm a male, a castrated, gay, very tall, very old, male but, first, a male.

[tugon (imported)]

Now that I am in my late 50's I am secure enough in myself that my opinion of myself is not easily swayed by someone else's opinion. I did spend too many years being sensitive and vulnerable. Much of my susceptibility at being hurt came from my own personal discomfort. Now as a person comfortable in their own skin negative comments from strangers are either laughed at or responded to with a sarcastic reply. Opinions of emotionally stable family and friends are still valued.

Back in my twenties when someone would not give me a cheap little safety pin I took it as someone did not care if I was keeping myself safe. Or they thought why waste a safety pin on someone who would have no options to be unsafe. Today I would just tell him he missed me. I am much more assertive today.

I think occasionally of the message: The more people I know, The more I know people, The more I like my dog.

Being not judgemental of others, and not letting it affect you when others judge you helps to make one independent and free.

Some people seem to have no problem with one or both of the above.

For others, like me, it has taken a long time to not let the judgement of others affect me.

And, like losing weight, or not gaining weight, where I need to be always aware of what I am putting into my mouth,

To avoid judging others I always need to put myself in check and be careful what comes out of my mouth (or via pen, pencil, keyboard, etc.)

All any of us want is to be liked, perhaps loved, not ignored, and if attention is bestowed on us it is not judgemental.

And I find when you give all of that to others, many will respond in like kind.

Not everyone, but enough people to create a synergy that helps add some sweetness to life.

I don't do this as a sham. But when I actually meet someone who seems as if they are down, or who might help me get up, I figure it can't hurt to try and help, or be helped. This is not in a caregiver capacity. No matter how hard we try, no 'man' is an island. It almost becomes a hobby to see if / how other people will react when you show a genuine interest in them, their life, what they do for a living, their dreams, hopes, problems. Most of us center our focus on ourselves. And when someone else becomes interested in what most interests us (ourselves), they cease thinking about me. This is much more complex than words allow. At least I found when I start to interact with othes and show an interest in them, not for selfish interests, it becomes a travel trip of great exploration that has endless opportunities. However, it does seem to work best when I am carrying a camera and am a tourist somewhere, or appear to be a tourist. People seem to throw up barriers when someone they don't know starts a conversation. But as a tourist, with a camera, they at least open to "peep window' in the door to see if they want to let you in.

[tugon (imported)]

In the past I have never left a client. I have stayed with them until I was no longer needed. I have reached a point that for my own mental and physical health I need to be leaving. What is most amazing is I have reached this point with a freedom from guilt.

I think the years of demands, criticism and being laughed at have taken their toll. One of the caregivers changed her hair color and my client says I hope I do not laugh when I see it. I told her I did not understand her joy in laughing at others. She thinks she is so much more than she is.

Now we have a granddaughter as a caregiver. She has two children of her own. I would think between her training and life experience she would know how to dispose of a used tampon. Just when you think a job could not be more disgusting I begin to find improperly disposed of tampons. I must say they will never double as an air freshener. They are a bio hazard. As the English might say "What a bloody mess."

It may be my issue being disgusted by used personal hygiene products. I grew up in a home with 3 women who wrapped them up and I was never aware when they were being used. Having never been with a woman I am happily ignorant of those issues. As a matter of fact I have not had pussy since pussy had me.

I am paid through Saturday and that may be my last day. I have never quit a job without having another but I may have to rescue myself. I have enough in reserve to job hunt and maybe a little travel. With my health concerns I am unable to waste any more of my life.