Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

I concur. Wasn't even looking but a bit more than two years ago I found the person for me. The feeling was mutual, and we have planned and are executing a merging of our two lives. Things are really going wonderfully -- for both of us. So much goodness and happiness. It can happen to anyone at anytime.

Bud I am so happy for you. Cheers to many years of happiness!

[tugon (imported)]

Tomorrow was supposed to be my bone marrow test. I decided to cancel it since the procedure had the chance of being quite expensive. I will wait until the Affordable Care Act is operating completely and I can afford insurance. Since radiology, anasthesia and surgery would be involved and a friends husband who had it done his bill was over $6,000 of course insurance picked up a large portion of his expense. My bill could potentially be higher since I am usually charged list price on procedures.

I have always had trouble taking care of my health. Life has always seemed so temporary to me with no sense of future. I am routinely surprised when it hits me I am 56 years old. I never saw that happening and certainly did not prepare to be older. I find it foolish to have these tests when I feel good and I am asymptomatic. On the other hand it would be nice not to have that worry. How old would I like to be? When I was dealing with all the abuse I thought 45 would be a good age for life to end. Then when mother died and I thought now I could end my life without upsetting her. Of course if there is an after life I could use a break so I need to stay alive longer. Maybe she would not find so many faults in me when I was in spirit form. Mom, what do you mean my spirit is a little heavier than it should be? Then I thought I needed to live to be 55 because I wanted to receive my retirement from that fucking hospital that fired me. So today I am living out of avoidance and spite. Now I want to live as long as my dog lives. One day walking through the woods our hearts could both give out and we would fall to the ground.

Of course I am doing some things for my health. I am taking folic acid along with a better grade of calcium for my bones and fish oil. I just heard yesterday about how two coma patients were helped with mega doses of fish oil and how it helped heal the brain. As I have mentioned before I have deficits from my last backward tumble down the steps and along with my bike riding concussion and breaking the windshield with my head I thought I could use a little fish oil. From the time my sister hit me hard enough in the head for the brick to break and all the blows to the head when I was being abused I did not think it could hurt. I have such a hard time finding words and I am not makin connections with new people like I did in the past. Things that are more abstract cause me problems. Reading a new members posts and in the past I would get a sense of them and what they are about. I am not able to do that today. I have even lost sight of the struggles of older members. Somedays it is worse than others but I want my brain back.

I now have to avoid people who ask for my advice and then discredit what I have to say. I am finding work tougher having to deal with a very manipulative person. My brain is not up to the games. My oldest friend I am avoiding because he is mostly depressed when he calls. I have a few new upbeat friends that we laugh and have a good time. Of course watching my dog run and jump in the snow and drag me along has been great fun. Oh well here is to brain health in 2013.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Tugon.. I share your thought and issues. My health costs have gone up so much and my only resolution is to raise the deductible to place where it scares me. I am afraid to go to a doctor, I feel like I have no insurance at all my deductible is so high. And then there is the issue of people here, picking apart the things we say and trying to twist them to make us look ignorant and bad.. I understand, tugon.. I understand. I am there with you.

[tugon (imported)]

Corky and I had a very enjoyable walk this morning. The middle of January and the temperature was 60 degrees. I would not say it was raining but very misty as we walked. My umbrella was more of a nuisance than the fine mist that was falling so I closed it and placed it in my pocket. We are quite well known around our neighborhood so there is a lot of greeting of others out this morning. Much waving to honking cars on their way to somewhere today. Corky is greeted by some fellow dog friends today and his attempt to befriend a cat is not successful. Obviously many new scents this morning with the snow now gone exposing grass and earth. Judging by increased levels of activity Corky had many pee-mails to catch up on and I think he responded in kind to them all.

Arriving home I placed my tea kettle on the stove for a cup of tea. While waiting for the whistle I feed Corky. We have this funny little ritual where I hand feed him the first few bites of his dry food. After a couple of samples he takes over. I am not sure why he likes me to hand feed him but when he bypasses his food bowl and runs to his room and jumps up on his bed I know what is needed. Other times he goes straight to his bowl and eats it all. What a small price to pay for the joy he brings.

Now it is my time for tea and a small breakfast. After I have eaten I take my tea to the living room where classical music is playing on the stereo. I relax in my chair and open a book to where I left off. The book is my oldest friend's book about his time in Paris. Many of our experiences in the city overlap but I saw things he would have liked and he went to sites that I missed. He writes about love making with his wife and my focus is not on romance in such a romantic city but on the arts and architecture. He writes of restaurants but little of the food. As a foodie hearing about the meals would have been a great joy. Almost as much as enjoying them first hand.

As I reached the end of the chapter I suddenly had a lap full of Beagle. A wake up call that I will not be able to return to Paris due to my inability to be away from Corky for any length of time. He was reminding me of all the fun we have together and how much we need each other. Corky doe

s sit on my bed and stare at the

pictures of Paris on the wall. I wonder if he wants to go there with me.

[tugon (imported)]

As I was sitting in the barber chair while my hair was being cut I was listening to his endless stories. All of a sudden he began talking about living in Dallas in the late 70's until the mid 80's. I was surprised because I had moved to Dallas in the early 80's. He mentioned Lemon Ave. and I said I knew it well. This was the area known at the time as the gay ghetto. We talked about the bar scene and the beginning of the AIDS epidemic that was yet to be understood. We both agreed that was both an exciting time and a frightful time. Many of us were dying and we did not know why.

I came from a small Ohio city and he from a smaller Ohio town and they were not too far apart in travel and not too far apart in risk to a gay person. He did marry out of fear and trying to make himself "normal". We talked about bullies and compared the numbers murdered in our areas. Working in a salon he is more out but his voice still dips when he talks about his past. We are both cursed with that small town whisper. Anything too personal and our voice lowers automatically.

When I lived in Dallas I was aware of my desire to be a eunuch. I was still at the fantasy stage at that point. Here I was in this big city with about 22 gay bars at the time and I think I hit them all. Of course I never went home or took anyone home with me. I had not figured out what I was and how I fit in the world. I was a kid in a candy store and must have been allergic to sugar. I moved to the big city for job opportunities, a more open lifestyle and in small part to get away from the man who would become so abusive but sadly much like today I could not open. Now if my sex addiction had been raging I might have taken advantage of the city.

Funny/sad that we are both in much the same location. He is living with a man of 27 years that is incredibly closeted. A man I graduated high school with many years ago. A man who contributed to my bullying so he could keep his macho image. The four fags of 74. Four gay man out of a graduating class of 72 students and we are not friends today. Three of us still live local and one 32 miles away. Myself and the man in Columbus are the most out and as I mentioned one still closeted and the other is only gay when quite drunk. Small town fears does not do one much good.

After high school I moved to Dayton, Ohio to study photography. That was a great four years for finding and reinventing myself from what I was told I was in the home town. Sadly going to school and working in Dayton did not allow me to spend as much time visiting home as I would have liked. One of my weekends home sadly was when the young man I was in love with died. I had talked about him before and I mention him now because I lost interest in much of everything. I found it tough to be creative or care about classes. I stopped going and was mainly working and going to bars at night. After several years of my being lost I thought I might regain a part of me by going back home. That as I now know was one of my worst decisions. I still kept in touch with some Dayton friends and would visit them periodically.

One of my Dayton friends was named Donnie and he moved to Dallas and really liked it. He encouraged me to drive down and stay for a few weeks to see what I thought. There was not much going on for me and I thought what the hell. I drove for 19 hours and was a little road weary when I arrived. He told me he was moving and I could stay in the apartment if I paid half the month's rent and he would introduce me to my new roommate. I was too tired to sort it all out and did not feel like jumping back in the car and driving home. I started noticing money missing and my cameras were stolen. I was working at the time but I had been there long enough that I needed Texas plates and license. I had made enough money to cover any loss from the travel and the rent that I felt it was a good time to go back. Being ripped off made me fearful and I did not know if I could make it on my own.

I think that is why I stay where I am. The devil you know as they say. Wow I wonder what my next haircut might open up from my past.

[tugon (imported)]

I find it interesting or odd how I like to remember time spans since becoming a eunuch. I think about the 15 years since becoming a eunuch. I think about the 15 years that I have not been physically or sexually assaulted. I think about the 10 years since the continued abusive phone calls ended. I guess I think back to all those milestones in becoming myself, the time when healing began and when I began to assert and protect myself. Today is an anniversary that goes from happiness to happiness in two short years.

Two years ago today I brought my adopted dog home from the Humane Society. What a great two years it has been. I never thought I would enjoy walking around town as much as I do. I used to stay indoors as much as possible due to residual fear of bumping into my abuser/rapist. Now my beagle and I proudly walk all over the West end of town. People often comment they are surprised how far we go. Many times at the drive thru ATM between the cars is a eunuch and his dog waiting their turn for cash. There were times I would get in the car and drive to the rental office but since they love Corky we walk up there together. My dog has taught me what I used to know but had forgotten is that walking is an acceptable form of transportation.

If you are an introvert and do not meet people easily get a dog. A cat will not do unless you walk the cat. Corky is a much better judge of people than I am. I had a wonderful diiner last night at a friend's apartment thanks to Corky. Corky instantly took to this woman and she has enjoyed seeing him around. We in turn got to know one another and have become friends. In the two years with Corky I find I like a higher percentage of pet owners more than I do the general population. Corky is very friendly and once you show him affection he does not forget you or let you pass without his displaying how glad he is to see you.

Yes I am now one of those dog parents who think of their pet as more than just a dog. I was so nervous when I first brought him home because I had not had a pet since high school. This was also the first time I was totally responsible for another living thing. I could not understand how parents dealt with infants. Corky would find something in the grass and eat it and I would about worry myself over his chance of getting sick. Being a beagle/hound mix he is susceptible to back strains and when he did have problems I was off to the vets in an instant. Seeing him struggle to move at such a young age brought me to tears. He has recovered and he takes glucosamine to prevent future problems. I am becoming less neurotic about his health.

When I was first thinking about getting a dog I imagined myself holding him and crying when I was sad. Well that has never happened. I still have dark times but I do not become sad like before. He is just so much fun and I think all the walking helps my mood. The positive interactions with people certainly helps. I find that I am very proud of my dog due to his friendliness with all. I enjoy all the kids that run up to him to pet and play with him.

Today is a very happy day.

[tugon (imported)]

My sister was going on that she wished I could meet a man. I reminded her of some of the great choices I had made. I told her that me alone with my dog is what I want and need right now. She of course does not know I am a eunuch. She does not know I have no desire to be with anyone.

After the converstaion I was thinking about how seldom anyone has tried to introduce me to someone. I wondered if this related to the area where I live and if two gay men meet on their own no one can be blamed for fixing them up. Often I hear of a single woman that people want to hook her up with one of their male friends. I just do not hear about the nice single guy at work hoping to be introduced to someone.

When I lived in Dayton the assistant manager where I worked did try to fix me up with someone. That did not go well and I was told I was too feminine. The guy was a troll and I was glad he was not interested in me so I did not have to tell the guy who tried to fix me up his friend was ugly and rude. The only other time I was introduced to someone was when a female friend wanted to introduce me to her husband's brother. She knew I was in a relationship but she obviously did not approve. I sat down at the table and read the disapproval on his face. Why is it gay men expect the blind date to be an adonis and porn star model. This guy spent his time making me feel like I was not gay enough. He was recenly out of the closet and wanted to be as gay as he could be.

There are times I would like to meet someone who could share mutual interests.

[Milkman (imported)]

Interesting post. I am in a good stable relationship at this point. We share lots of mutual interests and enjoy each others company. This is the main reason I have decided against castration. On the other hand we have a dull, routine sex life. I think back to all of the awesome sex partner's I have had, but there seems to be a correlation between sexual intensity and a troubled life. One of my favorite sex partners ended up in jail and several others have gone from one problem to the next. Apparently a really big dick is a marker for a looser...

[tugon (imported)]

. Apparently a really big dick is a marker for a looser...

I have often heard that god gives man only one big organ. At this stage of my life a big brain and mentally healthy brain is the most important. Of course they also say like water seeks it's own level people of equal mental health find each other. Oh shit!

Thoughts of relationships come up after someone spends time telling me how much better life would be if shared with someone. This morning after all that talk I thought of the things I wanted to do today and how easy it would be to do the things together or divide the tasks and have them done quickly. My morning was spent walking the dog for a stool specimen for the vet. It is Corky's 6 month checkup. Now I need to fix breakfast but it would have been nice to come home to breakfast. Hot coffee and something good to eat after being out is the cold for two hours. Yes I needed that specimen. Oh well made my own coffee and now I am going to make an omlette and some toast. Maybe in my next life.

[tugon (imported)]

As a eunuch I am constantly reminded that most men have no concept of my being a eunuch. A friend called to boast about a sexual conquest. He was interested enough in his story that he did not realize how little I was responding to his tales. Luckily over the phone he could not see my facial expressions and my yawns. On one hand his conversation had no effect on me one way or another. In the past such frank conversation would have troubled me due to my history. Pre castration such conversation would have sent me on the hunt. Today the boasting was just noise in my ears.

There are things in life that you can only share with folks who have similar life experiences. On the EA I can relate to others and be understood as a no T eunuch. As a victim of abuse I find more comfort in talking with other abuse survivors. I have one wonderful friend who has had no trauma in his life and we have so much fun when we are together that I can feel as if I had no trauma. I have good people in my life who can understand different aspects of my life and those who have no clue and they are just fun. I am glad that I have healed to a point where someones sexual discussion is no longer bothersome.