Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

I agree that Falling Water is a beautiful bit of art but I can't picture living there comfortably. --FLO--

I was surprised by the size of the rooms compared to our standards today. Of course it was the country/summer home. I knew before I went but much of the furniture is built-in which meant in the living space the seating was like benches with cushions along the walls. The beds were either twin or full sized with no choice of a queen bed. Lots of stone, steel, glass and cement.

[tugon (imported)]

I was responding in another thread and it brought out some emotions that are better shared in my own thread. One of the triggers for the past resentments was a phrase "flaunting your sexuality" which has been used against me numerous times. Then I was told to be more discrete and I made light about how out I am. I thought that response was better than more emotions from the truth. So what follows is to better explain the past and paint myself in a better light.

As I mentioned bullying started for me in the 7th grade and continued on until the 11th grade. I am not sure why but all of a sudden the physical and verbal abuse stopped. Of course everyone was still convinced I was gay. I am resentful that I did not have time to figure me out and then choose which friends to whom I would come out. I imagine that would have been an exciting but nervous time but that was taken from me. I was out there before I was even sure.

When I was working at the department store while attending college, in another city, I did come out to a few co-workers. I might as well have made a store wide announcement. Still a little shell shocked from the hometown I expected the worst. Most people were kind and management was pretty cool. Before long a new manager arrived and decided to get rid of me. He bragged the day after I was fired that he had gotten rid of the fag.

When I started at the hospital I was not going to be out. I went 1 1/2 years in the work closet. Again working back in the hometown I am surprised I was able to for so long. One woman who married a guy from my high school was the first to start spreading the news. Another gay guy I knew from the local bar confirmed for everyone and soon I was out. I was being discrete and not flaunting my sexuality but people in those days would not leave me alone. I was treated differently, ignored, had to deal with death threats and other pleasantries.

The advice of staying in the closet and not flaunting your sexuality is not always possible. People will not let you stay in the closet. If people do not like you because your gay they can easily twist what you say as an example of how you flaunt. As I mentioned the time I said a buddy and I went to a movie this idiot woman reported me for flaunting my sexuality.

I guess many firsts have been taken away from me. Even sexually since I was abused as a child my first consensual sex act did not feel right. Being gay has brought a lot of cruelty and pain to my life. I am glad it is getting easier and I know it gets better but we have a long way to go.

[tugon (imported)]

I was out walking my beautiful dog this morning as we do everyday. We were walking through a field when I lost my sense of direction. I know from reading that no T eunuchs have a poorer sense of direction. I think this may be more than a lack of sense of direction.

What was different this morning was I was walking through a field we walk frequently. All of a sudden I was not sure which direction to walk. My brain saw the field as larger than it was and the two sides lined with evergreens looked more similar than usual. I could not differentiate between apartment buildings and the cottages at the behavioral health hospital behind the other row of trees. I finally figured out which way to go.

I have never experienced disorientation like that even after concussions. I was lost in a familiar place. I do not want this to ever happen again.

[Paolo]

That's disturbing.

No other symptoms to go with it?

[tugon (imported)]

That's disturbing.

No other symptoms to go with it?

No and I was trying to figure out what happened. Since it was on my mind I forgot to take my blood sugar. I wish I knew what that had been.

Yesterday I turned my neck and suddenly felt a pain. I had a slight headache after that I still have. I do have complicated migraines which do cause confusion. I had not had one in so long a time that I had forgot about them. I did not have any visual disturbances before it happened that usually warn me they are coming. This morning was different since the disorientation came on quick and ended quickly.

Of course I could have had one more glass of wine than I needed.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Nice post about the whole being 'flamboyant' issue. Like you said, if people want to hate, they are going to regardless of your behaviour, which is total BS. Yep, humans still have a long way to go in regards to tolerance/acceptance of difference.

[JesusA (imported)]

I have never experienced disorientation like that even after concussions. I was lost in a familiar place. I do not want this to ever happen again.

If it doesn't happen again soon, I would just chalk it up as a "senior moment." While they're rare, my most recent was walking in downtown Montreal last month. It took a while for everything to clear, but it did. I worried a lot the first time. Now I just wait it out.

[tugon (imported)]

If it doesn't happen again soon, I would just chalk it up as a "senior moment." While they're rare, my most recent was walking in downtown Montreal last month. It took a while for everything to clear, but it did. I worried a lot the first time. Now I just wait it out.

I much prefer "upper middle age moment". If we did not walk that field practically everyday I would not have been so upset. All of a sudden I did not know up from down or my ass from a hole in the ground.

[Slammr (imported)]

If it doesn't happen again soon, I would just chalk it up as a "senior moment." While they're rare, my most recent was walking in downtown Montreal last month. It took a while for everything to clear, but it did. I worried a lot the first time. Now I just wait it out.

Actually, having a senior moment would freak me out. I can tolerate the physical aches and pains and physical limitations of growing older, but I hope the brain is the last organ to go.

I do take some supplements that seem to help, choline (prefer choline chloride, which is difficult to find, but can be ordered online), Focus Factor, which I get at Costco, and a new one, Vinpocetine, which I added a few months ago (Viagra for the brain I saw it called). Vinpocetine aids blood flow to the brain. I've been taking choline in one form or the other for the last 40 years.

It all seems to be helping, and although I have no hard evidence it is, I have an excellent memory, one I'll put next to a 25 year-old's any day. I always know where I put my glasses, my keys, and the remote control.

I glanced at the odds for Powerball this morning, and I can quote them now, many hours later, as 1 out of 175,223,510. I can name all the presidents and all the state capitols. I'm impressed at how much sharper I feel after taking the Vinpocetine. The effects aren't immediate, but after a couple of months I noticed a difference. I just reordered another supply.

A 22 year-old in a team meeting today remarked about how smart I was, and I'm the oldest person working for our company at our facility. My sister, a year younger than I am, has her senior moments. So does a cousin, also a year younger than I am. I'm not bragging; I'm just saying there are ways to protect one's brain. Of course, it helps that I've never smoked; nor do I drink or smoke pot. It also helps to keep one's weight under control, to get a little exercise, and to keep the brain engaged.

[transward (imported)]

No and I was trying to figure out what happened. Since it was on my mind I forgot to take my blood sugar. I wish I knew what that had been.

Yesterday I turned my neck and suddenly felt a pain. I had a slight headache after that I still have. I do have complicated migraines which do cause confusion. I had not had one in so long a time that I had forgot about them. I did not have any visual disturbances before it happened that usually warn me they are coming. This morning was different since the disorientation came on quick and ended quickly.

Of course I could have had one more glass of wine than I needed.

Years ago when I was working as an optician, I had a patient w/ migraine problems who described periods of disorientation similar to your experience. He said that though he could remember up to the moment, it was like waking up in a strange room and not knowing how you got there. He said he would wait and the details would fill in over a period of a few seconds or minutes.

Transward