Desperate to be a Eunuch

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Perhaps you've been too nice, Tugone...I think, perhaps, manipulators have a built in radar detector for people that are kind and acceptant...I wouldn't be concerned about these people...Frankly, they suck....You don't smooches Jackie

[tugon (imported)]

Perhaps you've been too nice, Tugone...I think, perhaps, manipulators have a built in radar detector for people that are kind and acceptant...I wouldn't be concerned about these people...Frankly, they suck....You don't smooches Jackie

Thanks Jackie but I am not sure if I am too nice. I think what I have figured out is I am a people pleaser. Hi my name is tugon and I am a people pleaser. I have been thinking of late that it is not a very assertive role. I think it started in childhood and stuck for me. Much of it stems from being gay and fearing rejection by my family. I think my immature thinking at the time was if they need me enough they will not reject me. As unkind as they could be that might not have been all bad to have been rejected. When I started in the work world and did not want my secret to be discovered I would work twice as hard as anyone else. It did not always work since I was fired from one job for being gay. The manager bragged the next day that he got rid of the fag.

I guess all the people who told me I need to be more assertive were correct. I am not sure if I can find that fine line between providing care for someone and being assertive for myself when need be. Oh hell 56 years old and still so much work to do.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

I am not sure if I can find that fine line between providing care for someone and being assertive for myself when need be. Oh hell 56 years old and still so much work to do.

Just try and don't be afraid to make mistakes (that is pleasing!). There are no mistakes. As long as we live we all have to learn, not only you but also all the people we meet. Our only judge in this proces are we self. Be a nice judge to yourself.

[tugon (imported)]

I realized tonight that I need to move to a different city. I will never have true peace of mind here. I may have nothing to actually fear but my poor body sure goes into panic mode easily. The anxiety causes pain and fear. Last night late my cell phone rang and the caller blocked the number so I never answered.

Tonight at 9:50 PM my doorbell rang. I was not expecting anyone and few people know where I live. As usual the chest pains started with the anxiety. Living in a second floor apartment in the front of the building I opened the window and shouted hello. A man in black pants and black shirt stepped out into the light. He might have been mistaken for a police officer just by the darkness of the shirt and pants. My first thought was is someone serving a subpeona. He then told me he had the wrong building and got in his car and left.

Had he been wearing jeans and a t shirt I may not have thought anything about it. I did call security in case he is up to something they can be on the lookout. I have lived here for over three years so he is not looking for anyone who recently moved out.

I just hate hurting this way from the anxiety. The pain starts from my adrenal glans and tightens my back and I get short of breath. If I sleep tonight I will have ugly dreams. Sadly with my history a wrong number can create a night of fear.

[transward (imported)]

I realized tonight that I need to move to a different city. I will never have true peace of mind here. I may have nothing to actually fear but my poor body sure goes into panic mode easily. The anxiety causes pain and fear. Last night late my cell phone rang and the caller blocked the number so I never answered.

Tonight at 9:50 PM my doorbell rang. I was not expecting anyone and few people know where I live. As usual the chest pains started with the anxiety. Living in a second floor apartment in the front of the building I opened the window and shouted hello. A man in black pants and black shirt stepped out into the light. He might have been mistaken for a police officer just by the darkness of the shirt and pants. My first thought was is someone serving a subpeona. He then told me he had the wrong building and got in his car and left.

Had he been wearing jeans and a t shirt I may not have thought anything about it. I did call security in case he is up to something they can be on the lookout. I have lived here for over three years so he is not looking for anyone who recently moved out.

I just hate hurting this way from the anxiety. The pain starts from my adrenal glans and tightens my back and I get short of breath. If I sleep tonight I will have ugly dreams. Sadly with my history a wrong number can create a night of fear.

If you are looking for a beautiful, gay friendly city, you might consider Seattle or Portland.

Transward

[tugon (imported)]

If you are looking for a beautiful, gay friendly city, you might consider Seattle or Portland.

Transward

Thanks for your suggestions.

I am not sure if it is important to be in a gay friendly city more than just being out of this one. I have so much negative history here and it does not take much to cause me to run paranoid into the night. I need to live somewhere so that the ring of a doorbell does not trigger fear or start flashbacks for me. If I do move, of course, I take me and my issues along.

[tugon (imported)]

In my life there have been certain places that have been comforting to me. My home, Quebec City and Paris, France. Recently I visited Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water. I am not sure I would be comfortable in one of Frank's home.

I also wanted to try photobucket. So here are some of my pictures.

http://s1343.beta.photobucket.com/user/ ... 6134762125

[Paolo]

Very nice, thank you for sharing!

[tugon (imported)]

As my pictures might indicate my interests are interior design and travel photography. I wish I could travel more. I also wish I had a larger design budget.

As a eunuch I am at home more so I need a visually pleasing space. Time away is spent at work or out walking my dog. Oh and I need a new settee to replace my loveseat. My apartment is a work in progress.

My travel pictures are from Paris and Quebec City. Two of my favorite cities and I would revisit them more often if the funds allowed. I would also like to hit the road in a small motor home with my dog and cameras. I recently met a friend in Pittsburgh and we travelled to Falling Water. I had a great time but I missed my dog so much. Travel without my Corky is not much fun.

The other morning Corky and I were out walking when I wish I had my cameras. Two deer, a young buck and doe, were doing their mating dance. They ran together in a circle and then stopped and pranced for a few steps before running in a circle again. Corky and I watched them for about 20 minutes before we continued our walk. Sorry Mitt but two deers doing their mating dance is more interesting than dredge.

I will be adding more pictures if anyone is interested.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

I agree that Falling Water is a beautiful bit of art but I can't picture living there comfortably. --FLO--