Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

While sitting at my kitchen counter I was eating a bologna sandwich and a cup of coffee. The bleakness of the meal matched my mood and the day. Hours before I was dressed in a suit and attended a funeral. Of course it has been raining all day much like the tears of us in attendance. The gentleman in my care passed away Sunday evening surrounded by family. I hope to never see a once very strong man so emaciated by cancer and in constant pain. One of his cancers was bone cancer and when he needed to be turned we would ask ourselves are we breaking his bones?

He was the type of man that when his parents divorced and his father remarried he left home for room and board on a farm. Since he did not like her at 14 years of age he knew what he needed to do. When he was of age and with WWII raging he joined the Navy. He came home from the war and met his wife at a dance hall. He was considered the best dancer and his wife had a coin toss with her friend to see who got to dance with him. They danced for the better part of 64 years.

I have a lot of respect for him. He was everything my father was not. Just a hard working man that took care of his family and protected them. I said my goodbyes to him when last I worked and today we had the big send off. Sir I am glad I got to know you.

[tugon (imported)]

I hope the black suit can remain in the closet for a little while now. Saturday was another funeral I needed to attend. My sisters spousal equivalent of 20+ years mother passed. She was 91 and had been failing for several months.

Funerals are so strange to me. I believe in the continuation of the spirit after death but then they bring religion into it. I have always wondered what is next and so am mildly amused at those who speak with such assurance. You will be in the arms of god. Whose arms if there is not a god?

One of the readings from the Old Tetament spoke of a woman who worked all day and evening tending to the household and all related duties. The husband went down to the village gate to sit with the elders. I thought bullshit they needed to divide the chores. What a patriarchal book. Once you see much of the bible for what it is it becomes difficult to sit and listen to it. So I took a nap.

Of course having social anxiety I tend to become humorous. Yes I tell jokes at funerals. I am not nearly as out of control as Mary was when Chuckles the Clown died. Someone commented on my dog, who wisely stayed home, and I had to mention "yeah if I wanted something young to sit in my lap and lick my face I needed a dog". That one is always a crowd pleaser. A few more jokes and a few more laughs. The only way to get more attention at a funeral is to be the one in the box.

Oh and in case anyone is curious no she did not look like she was sleeping. She looked like death with a lot of makeup. My ass, well all of me actually, is going into the oven. I have given orders not to display me and no pictures unless the ones from the time where I had lost weight and was working out. Or the picture when I jumped in the shorter security line at the airport. I am sure a full body scan would look nice life size. People will either realize I am a eunuch or think I travel in winter and it was damn cold.

Wishing for a month free of funerals or a younger crowd to hang around.

[tugon (imported)]

I saw a preview for a Super Hero movie and I suddenly remembered my love of comics when I was young. Batman and Robin, Superman, Green Lantern, Flash were some of my favorites. TV shows such as Superman, Batman and Robin, and the Green Hornet kept me glued to the set. Yes I wanted to be a Super Hero with an alternate personality. Even as a kid I did not want people to know of the good things I might do. Sadly I never developed any of those powers.

My dreams as a Super Hero was to protect women and children. Of course I know the motivation of that today. I of course would fight crime but I would not let children or women be harmed. Having a Bat Cave under the house would have been awesome. Of course today I would fly out of the cave in my 2001 Toyota Echo, overweight and short of breath when I confronted the criminal.

I guess I have always liked taking care of people. Maybe that is why I am in healthcare. I cannot protect anyone but I can make their final days comfortable. Remembering back to the days of comics my dreams never came true. Which is just as well I do not think they make tights in my size.

[frisbee queen (imported)]

You are truly an inspiration to anyone who reads your messages. Do not despair, you give many of us hope. Godspeed, my friend.

[tugon (imported)]

Thank you Frisbee Queen for the kind words.

I have to admit to fully bonding with my dog. Unlike most people I am so anxious to get home and spend time with him. I enjoy our walks and seeing the world through his eyes. We also enjoy chasing rabbits. So it was very tough last Wednesday when I dropped him off for surgery.

Nothing serious but he had a cyst that had been drained twice. I noticed while walking with him that the skin looked red over the cyst. I moved some fur out of the way and noticed the skin over the cyst was getting ugly. Off to the vet he went. Surgery went well and they glued the incision closed. He is doing well.

I, on the other hand, have been a nut. I keep checking the incision many times a day and have been having so much anxiety. The only thing I can think of is the problems I had with healing after both the failed and successful attempts at castration. I remember checking out myself many times a day hoping I would heal soon. I was so glad when the drainage finally stopped. I had nightmares for several years that I would be some place important when all of a sudden drainage would gush from my scrotum in front of many people.

Corky has had no drainage or any other problems. Of course that does not keep me from keeping an eye on his surgery site. I check it out in different lights and even use my mag-lite to check the healing. Since it is on the back of his neck each move of the head makes it look a little different. I know he is well on his way to being fully healed but I am looking forward to the day he is and the fur grows back.

Well in less than 2 hours I will be home. As always there will be a lot of jumping around and kisses. Corky will also be happy to see me. Then my evening of checking and rechecking his incision will begin.

[tugon (imported)]

Let it be known that I do not like draining incisions. I learned early on that my dog does not like to be splashed or sprayed. Therefore we both were quite surprised Wednesday evening, one week after his surgery, when he came running out of his bedroom in a panic. He was trying to get away from himself. I first noticed drops of fluid on his ears. I thought did the roof give way? Did he stick his head in the toilet? I went into his room to see what had been going on.

Oh the carpet was wet and I would recognize that pink tinge anywhere. Called Corky and found his back was also wet. Sure enough all the serosanguineous fluid that had filled the void left by the removal of the cyst decided to volcanically erupt from his neck. I cleaned the dog, the carpet and poured a glass of wine to better enjoy my panic. I had to remind myself that ridding himself of the fluid is a step towards healing. I had dealt enough with my own drainage and knew it would stop. Yes I needed to be held.

Thursday morning I called the Vet's office at 8 AM sharp. I finally reached someone at 8:05 AM. In my rather excited state I was going to ask who overslept this morning? They could tell I was a little worried and enjoyed my bouncing from logical medical person to a dad having a panic attack. They would see us at noon so I hung up and called a co-worker to come in and finish my shift.

Once in the office a tech came over and said he is healing nicely. Then we were taken back into the exam. The Vet cleaned his incision site and he also felt it was healing well. He suggested some warm compresses to increase blood flow which will promote healing. He also recommended periodic cleaning with antibacterial soap. Today I need to wash a load of washcloths and hand towels.

Corky normally sees the other Vet in the office, Dr. Peggy, but she was not working that day. We had seen the male vet once before when Corky had a back strain. I had noticed that he is rather attractive but he was so kind, reassuring and comforting that in his blue scrubs he looked like a superhero. Oh and I was super crushing on him. From where did those feelings come? I so wanted to show my appreciation.

Today things are looking better and I decided to stop the washes and warm compresses. He has some good scabbing and I did not want to soften them with water. I was also concerned that if I did not rinse the soap well it might cause itching and I did not want him to scratch that area. Taking care of my dog makes me wonder how people survive raising children. At least I will not have to teach Corky to drive.

[tugon (imported)]

I would love to find a good doctor. Or should I say I wish I had less issues when going to the doctor. Is it him or is it me? Of course out of all the men he sees in his practice how would he ever think I am the way I am. Today started normally for me in that he noticed a slight weight gain when I had been losing. I explained I stress ate cookies while my client died a slow painful death from bone cancer. Old people seem to always have cookies. I was rewarded with that look of disdain. I was then reminded I needed to take care of myself.

Standard appointment so far as he checked my lungs, bowel sounds and palpated my abdomen. Next he did foot checks for neuropathy and signs of progressing diabetes as it affects circulation. Commented that I no longer had the ankles of a ballerina with the swelling I have occasionally. As I was sitting on the exam table he asked about previous surgeries other than my tonsilectomy and my orchiectomy. I did not know that made my chart. He asked me to stand up, grabbed the rubber glove and told me to drop my pants for a hernia check.

I was just getting over the surprise of the mention of my orchiectomy when I went into panic mode about dropping my pants. For someone who spent an inordinate amount of time with my pants around my ankles it sure is tough these days. There I was clutching my belt buckle, tears forming in my eyes and my voice cracking when I admitted I could not drop my pants. I was like a little kid and said I had been abused. I wish I could respond more adult like and say everything is fine down there and I would prefer not. Or if he had told me last time and I knew it was going to happen. Instead I am this small scared little kid.

Thinking of his advice about dieting and tips to control my diabetes and remembering that feeling of panic I drove and bought myself the largest cone of vanilla soft serve and now I feel better.

[tugon (imported)]

I hate the phone calls where the person on the other end feels they need to yell at you. This past Tuesday I received one of these yelling assaults from the duaghter of the person to whom I provide care. When I was in management at a hospital my director and VP thought nothing of leaving me awful messages. Later when they find out they were wrong the apology never came. I am sure in this latest instance an apology will never come.

What started it all was her mother who was concerned about a raised egg shaped hematoma on her leg. The size remained much the same over a week. I was due to take her to the office for a repeat lab draw. My client mentioned that she would like the doctor to look at it again. The nurse came into look at it and was surprised to find nothing was charted. The doctor came in next and this time measured it and told us it would be weeks before it would be reabsorbed. My client felt better. I stopped and got her an ice cream cone and we picked up a new prescription.

Thinking I had a good day well at least until I answered my phone. The daughter wanted to know why her mother was at the doctor's so late and I explained her mom was concerned about her leg. She yelled I just had her at the doctor's and we knew it would be weeks or months for it to be reabsorbed. I mentioned I was not given report so I did not have that knowlege to help her mother feel better. She went on that I had wasted the nurse and doctor's time. I was told I created a greater expense since her insurance had changed after her husbands death. I reminded her I was never privy to that information. When I am angry on the phone I become precise in my speech and very cold.

The daughter called the next day to tell her mother she can make her own appointments and arrange her transportation. The daughter is an LPN and her medical power of attorney. I think we will do better with her letting us do what needs to be done.

My next bitch of the week is people who say they want to do something nice for you and it never happens. If you want to do something nice just do it. The surprise would be nice. As a small child we would often get ready for an exciting day because our father was going to take us somewhere. There we were four children all ready to go and guess who never showed up. We eventually stopped falling for it. It even became a source of humor inthe family and we called dad the heartbreak kid.

My neighbors, while on vacation, received a gift of Omaha Steaks. We were having a heat wave and the container was not shielded from the sun. I had the rental office call them to check when they would be home. I had the rental office staff tell them I could not fit the foam container in my freezer but I can open it and store the individual boxes. They would be fine with my storing them. "Oh we would like to do something nice for you for helping us out". "How about a bottle of wine"? and I said "oh you do not have to do anything" and they said "oh but we want to thank you". I mentioned I liked Chardonnay and I would be very thirsty if I was still waiting on their thank you. Maybe we are not supposed to follow through it is just the thought that counts. I thought about giving you a bottle of wine so that is enough.

I sent a member of an audio site a pair of cables that did not work in my sytem. He was quite pleased with them and insisted in sending me money even after I told him I had them too long to return for a refund. Several times he told me the check was in the mail. It happens in relationships and friendships. I just have to figure why I get excited that somene wants to do something for me when it rarely happens. Thanks to all those who ever did what they say they would.

I do not want to be yelled at or promised at anymore.

[transward (imported)]

You have to remember, if you let the assholes upset you,

You will spend your entire life upset

Because there will never be a shortage of assholes.

Transward

[tugon (imported)]

You have to remember, if you let the assholes upset you,

You will spend your entire life upset

Because there will never be a shortage of assholes.

Transward

Yes I know there are a high number of assholes. I was just surprised to find out that she was their queen. I have given a lot to the family in the care I provided to their father who has since passed. I am now helping with the mother who is the most manipulative person I have yet to meet. The mother makes her children crazy and they know what I deal with on a daly basis. So when daughter number one calls yelling I wonder how she thinks I deserve it.

I just find it interesting how people who would not normally yell at another person feels quite safe in doing it to me. What do I project that sends the message "oh do say whatever you want in any manner you want". I have seen very nice people not be nice to me. Even my own mother when she was alive would say terrible things to me when it was just she and I. Things my own siblings could not believe she would say. I want to break this life long pattern of whatever I do that gives people the permission to be ugly with me. I am not talking about unimportant people I pass by but friends, family and people with whom I have longterm working relationships. Do I have an invisible kick me sign?

Oh well maybe tonight I may get to enjoy that promised bottle of wine. LOL Or better yet I will buy a bottle on the way home from work.