Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

Janekane I appreciate your response. We are certainly on different paths to our happiness. I do hope you are able to learn from your subconcious all you need to know to heal. I occasionally post on another site where we share our abuse and if it is severe we post warnings that it may trigger. I find that only when the trauma is similar to mine does it trigger flashbacks. I hope you post freely as I always have. This site is more supportive than other sites I post.

I made the mistake one time of trying to open up all the memories and find my inner child. I will never try that again without professional help. I fell into a deep depression that I was not sure I could recover. I think I know the key points of the cause for my struggles through life. When a memory is recovered I cannot say it made me feel better but made sense. "Oh that is why I felt or acted the way I did" but it did not make anything better just understood. I have learned enough to understand why I am who I am today. New knowledge will not benefit my life.

If I had to say there is any benefit for the knowledge I already have is why I have such negative relationships with people. Or I should say why negative people can latch on to me so easily. I should mention my truly good friends that have supported me through my life and struggles and wondered for years why I got myself in some messes. Now we all know and understand. I am pleased to say I have bonded well with my dog.

[janekane (imported)]

Tugon,

The path that works for you is right for you; similarly, the way that works for me is right for me.

There can be terrible outcomes from probing where it is best to let things quietly be.

I had professional help in learning how to safely get to the most shatteringly terrifying abuses of my childhood. For a time, several years, I had double (80 percent times two - which totaled 100 percent) or triple (80 percent times two plus 100 percent - which also totaled 100 percent) psychiatric insurance coverage which never, never quit, no matter what. Total dollar cost somewhere between half a million and a million...

My life seems to have given me the ability to plunge to the bottom of the pit of perdition, and perhaps below it, find what is there, and clamber back up to into daylight. I had dreams about this as a child, having been camping with my family before kindergarten, and I was familiar with campground pit toilets. In some of those dreams, it was as though I was at the bottom of the pit, where I could see a point of light almost infinitely above me. From time to time, the point of light would go dark for a short time, in those dreams, and much later, "stuff" (is excrement a more useful word?) would finally fall all the way down to me.

I Learned to be grateful for the excrement, in those dreams, as I came to understand that, if enough of it fell down on me, and I were able to keep climbing on top of it, eventually, I might get to the top of the pit and be able to get out, and into the originally impossibly distant light. That dream, much changed, still sometimes happens. Recently, however, it is very bright except when the "stuff" is about to fall, and I can almost reach the rim of the hole. Only a little more "stuff" it seems, and I expect to be able to climb out and into the light, in that dream (and perhaps in my actual life?).

There have been times in my life when I was astonished to realize that my body had managed to take another breath.

My wife and I have two cats. One, a shelter cat, was and remains named Lucy. Her nickname is Lucy Fur. Lucy is a light-bearer. Neither of our cats ever deceive me, neither ever tells me that I am not a valid person.

Pets can be truthful in ways many people cannot be, not yet.

[tugon (imported)]

Bonding

This morning was so peaceful. Corky and I were out walking and the air was cool and a gentle rain was falling. Corky loves being out of doors and together we have explored much of the woods around the apartment complex. He is also good at introducing me to others. He loves to meet people and since I am just a leash away I participate. I find myself comfortable with other dog walkers/owners. I am sure I am with cat owners also but I rarely see any walking their cats. I do like the woman who takes her rabbit out on a leash.

Since adopting Corky in February we have formed a bond. I was nervous at first since I do not always do well with males. At first when we were out of synch with one another I was concerned but shortly we were both doing what we should. This time I did not make a bad choice. He is very loving and affectionate with me as I am with him. You might go so far as to say Corky is spoiled. In the past when I have tried to spoil people they ended up turning rotten. Corky keeps me active, laughing and is good company.

What amazes me is my comfort walking down city streets with him. Walking used to be fearful for me since I know that I am somewhat vulnerable. I have to admit that since my rapist still lives I did not like being far from my car or the apartment. Now I proudly walk him on main streets without worry. Since we walk three times a day I have learned most of the fear and anxiety was in my head. Oh and Corky is so loving he might lick an attacker.

Corky has been better than any therapist who has ever treated me. He even has me attending public events that support the Humane Society where I adopted him. I am so happy I am working to support them in any way I can and he loves visiting with the staff. I made the mistake of taking him to the shelter to let them see how well he is doing. He froze at the beginning of the sidewalk and would not go any further. I realized he might have thought I was taking him back. Corky even walked me in a 5K fun walk which is the closest to an athletic event I have ever participated. Wow I no longer hide inside behind locked doors.

I do not know, but I am hoping, if this healing and happiness will transfer to my interactions with people. I have well earned trust issues with people but I have been finding them more pleasant of late. Since my anxieties are fading I am more comfortable socially. Well until my latest texting annoyance sends another text. I can laugh at the frequency now instead of my day being ruined. I think the most important lesson I have learned is it is far better to rescue a dog than to try and improve a human's life. Be they in prison or an ugly situation I can help but I cannot fix. I was trying to do for others what I would have liked for someone to do for me when my life was so ugly. One day I realized there was no hero coming to rescue me so I had to become my own hero. Now I know each day I have to champion myself. Protect myself, my home and my doggie hero.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Tugon, this is wonderful! I'm so happy for you!

Peter

[Paolo]

The last time I took Snoop-Dogg out (the fat beagle), I ended up with yet ANOTHER herd of kids following us around. The time before that, a very old, very drunk old man. This is why we stay home.

[tugon (imported)]

The last time I took Snoop-Dogg out (the fat beagle), I ended up with yet ANOTHER herd of kids following us around. The time before that, a very old, very drunk old man. This is why we stay home.

Yes the kids love Corky. They run up and ask if they can pet him. I tell them he would be sad if they did not. One boy brought out his dog to show Corky and me. I always wear these rubber/plastic gardening shoes I call my poop proof/pee proof shoes. All of a sudden the little boy said "Mister my dog is peeing on your shoe" and I smiled and said that is why I wear them. I have not yet attracted any drunks but one young man that was both a minister and a Buddhist. He sounded like he had quite a troubled life. I finally told him Corky cannot poop with company so he went on his way. I did not doubt what he had told me but he was messing with my peaceful time.

[nullorchis (imported)]

In addition, walking is good for health, mind, and spirit. It physically increases endorphins which, without the assistance of chemically manufactured drugs that have side effects, help you feel better. I tend to remember the names of neighbor's dogs, but forget the people names. Good pets help us work through barriers, difficulties, which is why they are brought into senior living, nursing homes and hospitals.

[tugon (imported)]

Of dogs and doctors.

Yes nullorchis all the walking is paying off. Today I went to the doctors for the usual diabetic check up and the numbers had improved. Weight loss, good A1C, and no neuropathy made him happy. What I noticed today after he asked if I was married was that he might not read charts. I shared quite a lot with my last Doc. Maybe that is why he has not opened that can of worms. He seems to be a doctor by the numbers. If your numbers are good you must be good. I had told his nurse about my fall down the steps and the concussion. She either did not relay it to him or he was interested in getting in and out so quickly. I was going to ask him some questions about why I am now having frequent headaches when I rarely had a headache. I also wanted to ask about the increased level of irritability. I would love to have a good doctor.

Corky is still walking me three times a day. We are both enjoying the cooler temps so we are out longer for each walk. The peaceful early morning walks before the sun has risen are my favorite. I was working on the computer last night and he came over and licked my ear. I was surprised it gave me a shiver. My first thought is oh that is why people do it. I dated an ear licker once but I could not enjoy it due to my issues. Oddly from my dog I wass surprised by how it felt. No beastiality going on here just an odd glimpse at a pleasure I was never able to accept from a human.

I decided that for my health I needed to get more sleep. Sadly with more sleep are more dreams. Drinking and staying up as long as possible helped to minimize them. Hearing of all the benefits of 7 hours of sleep I thought I would try it. While I think the quality of my waking hours is better I hate replaying some events in my mind. My one favorite dream is of Corky and I walking together in Paris. Of course I would not put him through a long flight in the bottom of a plane. We would have to cross the ocean by ship. Oddly one of the things Corky will do is sit on my bed and stare at the five pictures of Paris I had taken. So each night I hope for dreams of travel and not past traumas.

One of my new intersts is decorating my home. I am no Nate Berkus but I would love for him to visit and give tips. I have some future furniture plans but will need to enjoy what I have for awhile. Since welcoming Corky I have put my better bed linens in storage so my beds are usually just sheets and unmade. Or if they are made he disturbs the covers during play or nesting for a nap. We both have queen sized beds and he enjoys them both. He brings much more joy than a pretty bed but as he ages I hope to return to my nice duvets and better sheets. Now home is filled with art, design and much fun. A lot more fun and a light covering of dog hair feels more like home.

[tugon (imported)]

Enjoying a day off today which is much needed. I am trying to keep the day peaceful while still accomplishing some chores. Listening to some jazz on vinyl and doing a little personal inventory. Too bad I have jeans in the dryer to interrupt the peace. My dog has crawled under the bed which is how he shows displeasure when I am at the computer.

Speaking of Corky he has developed the ability to play hide-n-seek. The first time he was under the bed and would not come when I called him. I looked around the apartment and kept calling his name. All of a sudden I saw the white tip of his tail wagging and when I god down on the floor he was so happy I found him. Another time he crawled under the sheet and bedspread and remained perfectly still. Of course what was funny is he was standing up on the bed. The last time he hid between the headboard and wall. He is certainly getting better at the game.

I am becoming fascinated with Interior Design. I spend time thinking of ways to improve my living space. My mailbox is usually full of catalogs or design magazines. I am a fan of Nate Berkus for a number of reasons. Currently I am quite pleased with my space but who knows when the itch will come to change something. I love the very creative small space designs I see but I am not organized enough to live in a truly small space. Oh and the show International House Hunters whenever they are in Paris is either watched or recorded.

One thing I find strange is I think I have peaked eunuchly. I still have a sense of calm but that great need for affection and those early overwhelming emotions have faded. Tears no longer come easily. My dog did recently have a spinal strain and I did cry from worry about him but the tears are more infrequent. In some ways it is good to not be a faucet. It is strange to think I will be happy without human companionship but my dog will more than make up for any void.

I am not sure if this is possible but I think my last head trauma and concussion has changed me somewhat. I still am a little more irritable than before. I misspeak more often than I did before the fall down the steps. I have less concern for others. Thoughts seem to be more jumbled for me. I am troubled with less short term memory of course this happens mainly at work where the demands come fast and furious. I have become very concerned about protecting my head and avoiding falls.

Speaking of work the wife of the couple I care for has been calling me silly little boy and laughing a little too long when I do misspeak. One day I asked her to stop. She stated she needed to go to the bathroom and while in there she thought of another way to insult me. I was going to drive she and her husband to the health clinic where a nurse would come to the car and give them their flu shots. When she came out she announced that I could not take them to the appointment. She felt I was too large to fit in their car. Even a frail 82 year old woman feels she can abuse me.

Oh well it is time to go hiking with my best dog. Now that is a peaceful experience.

[tugon (imported)]

Mommie Dearest

I bumped into a grade/middle school teacher. In my Catholic schools it was grades 1 thru 8 and then off to high school for grades 9 thru 12. I, all of a sudden, remembered going to her house for dinner which I thought odd. Once there the questions began about my drop in grades. I being the most self unaware person there is had no clue. I never connected the being bullied and struggling with thoughts of other boys as something that might affect my grades. Of course at the time I was clueless to earlier traumas. I wondered what all I would tell her if she asked me today.

During this time I remembered mother asking if I thought I might be a pervert and did I want to see a psychologist. I knew what I thought a pervert was and I wondered about her definition. Could this have been her way to ask if I was gay? Did she know something from my past and thought I would surely become a pervert? She said many hurtful things so I did not ask to avoid any more hurt. I was so confused about sex that I had not even masturbated yet.

Like father I knew she was not pleased with me. She would take me to the sporting goods departments and point out the models on the weights and ask if I would not like to look that way. I had no interest and even worse no interest in sports. The games based on football and the subscription to Sports Illustrated did not help either. Being called a sissy was not the motivator she thought it might be. She was pleased when dad would pick me up to take me to a college football game. I was in fear during that time with him and the only thing I was concerned about scoring was the number of hot dogs.

As I may have mentioned before I was expected to be the man of the family. She would discuss financial problems with me and I would have nightmares of being evicted and living in a one room space above a garage. Of course I always felt I had failed. Being the man of the family when I received money for a birthday or Christmas it would be borrowed to help the family but never paid back. I think some of my early credit issues were based on I was never paid back so why should I pay a corporation back. It took me a long time to understand those obligations.

Mom and my two sisters loved to torment me. They would get me so upset that I would call them "bunches of bitches" and run to my room. My older sister was my worst abuser at home. When I left for college she only had my younger sister and brother to abuse. Mom would not allow her to abuse them so she threw my older sister out. When I was there to take the abuse that was fine but mother would not let the younger ones be abused. My older sister was the one who hit me on the head so hard with a brick that it broke.

Mother told me on many occasions that we never bonded. My lazy new born ass should have crawled over and given her a hug. Maybe dad was already cheating on her at the time. I am 13 months younger than my sister. Knowing what my father made me do I wonder if he did not force himself on mother before she was ready. I do not know what kept her from being able to bond with me as she did her other three children. We certainly had a different relationship. I never knew affection or compliments. Later years if she tried to touch me or stroke my hair my flesh would crawl.

She did not want to be alone so she kept me close. Mom would tell me I would never have anyone. If I was interested in finding an apartment she would say do not think you can come back if you screw up again. She had many excuses as to why she would not meet anyone I might be dating. I came home from work one day and she was looking at this portfolio. I asked what it was and she said she put the house up for sale and she is looking for a one bedroom condo. I reassured her I would not be following her. She needed me in a home built in the 1850's but not for a new condo. I found a one bedroom apartment and due to all her negative messages through all the years I stood in the middle and cried. I felt absolutely incapable of handling everything I would need to be on my own. She destroyed my sense of self to keep me close and I had to rebuild to survive.

She died several years ago and I feel better without all the negativity.