Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

Thank you Nullorchis for your post. What I find bothersome is that I am still in the hometown. My fear is that during the years I did not value myself others learned they did not have to value me. Of course I feel much differently today but people who knew me then are unaware of the change. I have no problem letting them know I am not the same person.

I travel in different circles so I rarely see any of the men I want to avoid. My rapist/abuser is still in town. I used to spend a lot of my time indoors avoiding people.

Of course all the dog walking is getting me out and all over town. Not in the negative way I used to be all over town.

Your stories about visiting the dog adoption center and the park made me think about the old saying; You can never go back.

Yes, you can go back physically, but if where you go to has not changed, you have.

And if where you go back to has changed, so have you.

So, you can go back to a place, but not to the past, at least not physically.

Only in memories.

And what I find so frustrating is that memories I do not want to remember, I DO remember, and things I want to remember I can't remember.

Not fair.

We are shaped by each and every one of our experiences.

So, by taking control of today and exposing ourselves to developmental and positive experiences is perhaps our best chance of doing what is called "Moving On". Sometimes I do try and focus ONLY on the good things that have happened to me in my life. Such thoughts don't come natural; seems like the bad things that have happened take front row in my thoughts. But when the ME, MYSELF, and I of my existence, the Who I Want To Be takes charge, I actually do have success at pushing asunder those bad and negative thoughts, and think of my happy past, and plunder forward to make today, one day at a time, a good day. Not that this happens every day, but the more it happens it encourages me to do it more often.

In fact, most days of our lives are neutral. Few days are really horrible, or really good. The good doesn't seem to naturally mold us as much as the bad.

It takes a concerted effort to let the good experiences influence us more than the bad experiences.

[tugon (imported)]

Well I had two tests of my bones today. The first was when I was walking my dog this morning and tripped and fell on my right hip on a cement sidewalk. Jumped right up and continued the walk. Took some ibuprofen and carried on with my day.

Tonight we were returning from our 10:00 PM before bed walk when Corky decided he wanted to go back out. He turned and went back down the steps to the security door. I was in midstep and found myself following him backwards down the stairs. I landed at the entryway with a thud. I let out a moan and saw that I was bleeding. No one opened their door to see what had happened. I made it up the stairs and I am now in my apartment.

I can tell ibuprofen will be my friend. I have always been a faller since my youth. I am tired of it. My oldest friend attributes me to his great first aid skills. Whenever we would go on bike rides guess who would be the one to fall. Well I am sure tomorrow will be painful since tonight is not pleasant.

[tugon (imported)]

I was scheduled to work today but at the last minute due to "Father's Day" I had the day off. Had I known ahead of time I would have planned to march in the Pride Parade. I have not participated in several years. My older sister even said she would enjoy going with me.

While talking about Pride and walking in the parade I felt more of a supporter than of a gay person. Never feeling male or comfortable in my male body I never felt I fit in as a gay male. Sure I enjoyed pleasing men but gay men were not interested because I did not need reciprocal sex which so often found me pleasing straight men. All the talk today left me with the feeling that I really am floating free from gays, straights, men and women.

Since I present as male and I am attracted to men I simplify life by saying I am gay. An easy label that most can wrap their heads around. One that for me is partially true.

I am wondering how this free floating will continue in my life. My mind is in the best space it can be. I am truly an observer of men and women and equally amazed by them. I pass among them undetected.

[tugon (imported)]

Well my new relationship is going well. We are in synch with one another. He is very affectionate and glad to see me when I come home. Yes adopting a dog is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Corky and I make many new friends both human and non humans on our walks. Everyone comments on how handsome Corky is. I try to think of something nice to say about their dog. When Corky and I walk past an office building with reflective windows he likes to stop and look at himself. I need to find him one of the standing floor mirror they use in shoe stores.

Seriously he brings much joy to my life. I wish I had adopted a dog years ago. He takes me out of my head and out of the apartment. Even though he would lick any attacker I do not think about things that might happen while walking. I am so entertained that I am focused on him and keeping him out of trouble. Oh and my butt is firming up from all the walking.

I hope Corky thinks he is a lucky dog because I am very lucky to have him. Since I had little dog training experience I am glad he learned quickly on his own to pee and poop outside. I think we trained each other.

[tugon (imported)]

Oh what fun I am having. While grocery shopping today I became very foggy and nauseous. Similar to the feelings I had after my fall so I finally looked up information about concussions. I have the symptoms so I do think I concussed when I fell down the steps.

From what I have read the fatigue I have been feeling and my irritability are symptoms of head trauma. Ask the above average number of people I flipped off today about my irritability. The treatment is more sleep and acetaminophen instead of ibuprofen. Whoops I have been eating ibuprofen like candy for the body pains but it is not good for the brain while symptomatic. Oh and I should not drink. Tonight I will be enjoying a bottle of Beaujolais-Villages.

Symptoms may last up to three weeks. They better not. According to the sites I checked out I should not have worked a full day the next day after the fall or a 13 hour day yesterday. They compared the forgetfulness and confusion about the event as similar to someone with PTSD. Does that mean it is doubly worse for me.

I have not been diagnosed by a doctor but I checked too many of the symptom boxes to not think my brain was a little extra scrambled. I will check with him 7/13 at my next appointment. Since there is no real treatment other than time I did not see the reason to pay for any medical attention.

My advice to others is do not fall down a flight of stairs backwards and head first.

[tugon (imported)]

Yesterday evening I was walking Corky around the apartment complex. Normally he chooses to head to a field East of the property but last night we walked the sidewalks. Of course as we stroll I have to point out the window mistreatments we see. Then we walked around a corner and this young man was sitting on a motorcycle talking to two young women. I was wearing black plaid shorts witha blue (yes vertical) striped shirt and my black driving moccasins. I had Corky's canteen with detachable bowl slung over my shoulder. Corky had his blue collar along with his blue harness and blue leash. The young man just stared with a look of disgust and as I was looking at him I began to laugh. I found he and his attitude so absurd that I laughed out loud.

I realized I like me and I could not give a shit what he thought. The realization that he and others like him could not influence how I think or feel was powerful. There is a certain comfort in not being fearful. After all it had all been done before and I will not let it happen again. I have wasted too much time being fearful and worrying about others opinions. Oh shit is tugon going to become even more assertive.

I am also thinking about quitting my job. I have never left a client before they left me. As a caregiver I am usually with them to the end or until the family places them in Hospice care or a nursing home. My current situation is caring for a couple. The husband needs care and the wife needs a boy to jump for her every wish. Again with my improving sense of self I have a lower threshold of crap I will put up with at work or in my life. I realized I cannot surround myself with negative people. I will help someone who is having a rough time but not dwell or enjoy the negative. I help a gentleman on Sundays and it is a joy to be around he and his wife. I now realize I do not have to suffer a negative situation out of some sense of guilt of penance.

Another thought is where I might want to live in the future. As I heal I am thinking about cities I might enjoy. An add for an apartment finder service keeps popping up and I look at the apartments, floorplans and rental costs. I could afford to live in a big city. Of course there was an article recently that Columbus only 32 miles away is an up and coming gay city. Of course I am more interested in a vibrant art and music city. I love Philidelphia and Chicago. I am beginning to dream again. Of course when I dream really big I dream of Paris. A nice flat in Paris with a balcony facing the Seine.

[tugon (imported)]

Another Friday night and I am in front of the keyboard with a glass of wine in my hand. I am on emotional shutdown. Oh shit where did my feelings go again. I tried to watch Brokeback Mountain but I had trouble getting the dvd to play through the satelite system. Brokeback Mountain can get me in touch with my feelings quicker than anything else. Maybe Maggie Bell's Queen of the Night will do it for me. Maggie's record contains songs that can take me back to a time when I had hope and it was lost.

Much of my life is very positive and optomistic and all of a sudden I am empty with no feelings. As I have mentioned before I would rather feel sad then feel nothing. I still have not found the trigger to my emptiness. I wonder if this will always happen in life for me. Who pulled the drain plug that let me empty out.

One thing new I noticed this time is a sense of being incredibly bored. The boredom was building when all of a sudden feelings were gone. Too much of the same shit but different day.

Maybe this is me letting me know I cannot settle for this life anymore. Small town Ohio is not where I fit. Even the elderly I care for ridicule my interests. No I do not like sports but I love art. Yes interior design is important and your home is devoid of taste. Oh and please do not say anything ugly about another state that legalizes gay marriage because you have enough in your family to have your own march. Oh and the next time I find Faux Views on your tv I am cutting the cables.

Yes when I am lacking feelings I am a real bitch. Bore me with your redundancies and I will lash out. Oh well until my mood improves I will enjoy the company of my dog. At the end of my work day I am anxious to get home to see him. I wish I was feeling that way about people these days.

Souvenirs

All the snow has turned to water

Christmas days have come and gone

Broken toys and faded colors

Are all that's left to linger on

I hate graveyards and old pawn shops

For they always bring me tears

I can't forgive the way they rob me

Of my childhood souvenirs

Chorus:

Memories they can't be boughten

They can't be won at carnivals for free

Well it took me years

To get those souvenirs

And I don't know how they slipped away from me

Broken hearts and dirty windows

Make life difficult to see

That's why last night and this mornin'

Always look the same to me

I hate reading old love letters

For they always bring me tears

I can't forgive the way they rob me

Of my sweetheart's souvenirs

[tugon (imported)]

Last night was a night of dreams and bringing back old memories. The dream was about living in Columbus where I went to Catholic school for the first, second and part of the third grade. I dreamt of the house, neighborhood and a few friends from those days. The dream has made me want to return to the area and drive around to see what it is like now. I do not think it is a very good area these days unlike the safe area where we walked to school. I am not sure if seeing the old neighborhood would be a help.

I think the house is still there since I googled it several years ago. I am not sure if the school or church are there or have been renamed. When I attended the Church the name was St. Gabriel as was the school. I also do not know if the bars dad used to take me to before I started school are still there. The bars were the M&S and the Knotty Pine.

Speaking of the neighborhood and as I have posted before accross the street there were two young men sharing a house. I think one was planning to be married. We kids took great delight in being a bother to them. One of them threatened to pull our pants down if we did not leave. All the kids ran away screaming but I circled back. I was very excited by this threat. The next thing I remember is someone from the neighborhood explaining why one of the young men was rushed to the hospital. I was told something was wrong and they had to put a glass tube in him so he could pee.

Again as I have mentioned before it was in the second grade I had wetting accidents. I have never had bladder control issues before and pottie trained easily. I remember it being easier to piss myself than asking for permission to use the boy's room. It was like I was frozen in my seat.

Another memory involved one of my classmates who lived on the same street as the school. I had a crush on him. Now after the dream I can realize his family must have been fairly poor. The house was small and the kitchen cabinets had no doors but cloth panels like curtains to cover the food and dishes stored there. I remember us as being a little better off but I am not sure if that is correct. I loved going to his house with him and I cannot remeber if he left or we made our escape from dad. I am not sure if I should have had some of those feelings in the first three grades of elementary school.

I remembered I was never sent to Kindergarten like my siblings. I was second in order and my older sister and two younger siblings went but I did not attend. I was told it was optional back then but why was it an option for me. I was quite capable in those days and maybe more than my older sister. In the dream I also remebered being made to take naps with my mother when I would hear the other kids out playing. Maybe I was not the quiet child I thought I was.

If I dream tonight I hope I dream of travel and vacations.

[tugon (imported)]

I am having all these dreams of the past. Many times dreams have opened past memories for me. I feel that something is about to be revealed. Of course with any negative memories comes other remembrances.

I found some peace with knowing that I may never be aware of all my childhood. I know enough so please stay suppressed. Why bother me with old memories at this late date.

If I thought any new knowledge would help but it rarely does. I remember a time when new knowledge presented itself and I raged for two weeks after. I do not need to ever go through that again. I have made my peace and enjoy my peaceful life.

So dear subconscious please leave me alone. I know as much about me, my motivations and why I had acted out. I do not need anything else from the past. I am living in the present and facing tomorrow and my back is to the past.

[janekane (imported)]

Yesterday, I finally got a copy of a particular out-of-print book, Walter M. Elsasser, "The Chief Abstractions of Biology," North Holland/American Elsevier, 1975. Elsasser, a theoretical physicist, earlier wrote, "The Physical Foundation of Biology: An Analytical Study," Pergamon Press, 1958 and later wrote, "Reflections on a Theory of Organisms," Editions Oribis, 1987. (I have yet to acquire his "Atoms and Organism," Princeton U. Press, 1966.)

On pages 62-64 of The Chief Abstractions of Biology, chapter title "Empirical variability and individuality," section title, "Biochemical individuality," proposes the view that individual people are biochemically (and biologically) unique. He draws on prior work of Roger Williams. From pages 63-64:

It would clearly defeat the purposes of the present book if we allowed ourselves to be drawn into any of the endless arguments that may all too readily arise from the interpretation of such variegated data. To forestall such difficulties, I am drawing the following pages from the book by Roger Williams (1956). I have not found any indication that the contents of this book can in any significant sense be called 'obsolete'.

The Roger Williams book is "Biochemical Individuality," John Wiley, 1956. My life took me through three years as a physics major in college before I transferred to a different school to pursue bioengineering. It might (or might not?) be fair to think that my total education is of a strong background in biophysical engineering.

So what? There is a little "thing" in physics, the Pauli Exclusion Principle. While yet a physics major, I pondered the domain of definition of the Pauli Exclusion Principle (simply put, in a given "thing," no two quantum states can actually be identical), and came to the opinion that said domain of definition is the entirety of existence. That led me to explore the usefulness of the notion that, "if two things are actually the same, there is only one of them."

Tugon asks that his subconscious leave him in peace. He asks for that, I shall hope it is what he gets.

Alas, I am another person, one whose life is one of shattering childhood trauma (in public schools and not at home), and I am a person whose life journey seems to ask of me that I remember every significant detail of my life, the better that I may live what I find to be my vocation; doing all I can to unriddle what causes child abuse and what will plausibly prevent child abuse at some time in the indefinite future.

No less than it is right and proper (in my own view) for Tugon to ask his subconscious to leave him alone, I find it right and proper to ask my subconscious to become an aspect of my fully conscious awareness.

Thus, I meet with a puzzlement. If I work at bringing all things subconscious in my life into fully conscious awareness, and if I post words here, to what extent will my postings set off subconscious stirrings in other people, stirrings other people prefer to not experience?

If it does not have a solution, can it be a problem? Do not all problems, by definition, have solutions?